Monday, December 17, 2007

Home Pressure Cooker is ON

I just can't seem to get myself fully back on the diet and exercise bandwagon. Blah! I've been remiss but instead of just lamenting about it here I will just say that I am going to focus over the next two weeks on exercising every day, making healthy food choices and drinking all of my water. COULD I get crazy disciplined and try to lose a few while I am in California visiting family? Yes, I know I could. Do I want that pressure on top of the insanity of dealing with my husband while traveling (a condition, really - HWT is not pretty), my mom and dad, and my screaming, kicking toddler who shouts "NO MAMA" 5o times a day? Not really, but thanks.

My guiding principles for the next two weeks are just going to be encouraging and healthy. No stress, no pressure, at least from myself. It is hard, because my husband has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. See, I am holding around 150 and have been for around 4 weeks now and so he is preoccupied with my body, my diet and those last 15 pounds that I haven't lost yet. Never mind that I used to weight 200 pounds - no, the important thing is that I lose the last 15 on his timetable. I get so annoyed. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband and most of the time he is just very supportive and helpful and doesn't give me overt pressure about losing weight but recently, he has stepped it up. I know why - he is afraid that I am going to stop here and not lose the rest of the weight. He is afraid that he is always going to have a fat wife. I can't believe I just typed that - I am NOT fat. I wear a size 10 right now. But I am just not where HE wants me to be right this moment.

The bottom line is that I am not even going to contemplate getting pregnant again until I do lose the last 15 so really, he could just rest easy. And I plan start trying to get pregnant in March so - do the math, dude. I can lose 15 pounds pretty quickly when I set my mind to it but having someone pressure me doesn't help AT ALL. It just makes me angry and rebellious and not like I am doing something good for myself. When he pressures me, I just want to cram handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever into my mouth and glare at him with defiance - "Just you TRY to keep the fat from growing now, jerk!!" As if that would really solve anything - but you know, sometimes it DOES make me feel better to eat something when I feel pressured and THAT is the danger of the pressure, unfortunately.

If I were to tell him all of this, he would think that I was just looking for an excuse to pig out or not work toward my goals. Sometimes I think that my husband thinks I am just a lazy cow. That I have no discipline and that I can't control myself. Maybe it is my fault that he has that perception - after all, I have not been a beacon of self-control in the past. But it hurts my feelings when he exerts the pressure - I feel like he doesn't believe me when I say that I am committed but that I just need a bit of a break. We are winding up for this trip to California, getting ready to leave on Wednesday and I am excited but at the same time I am dreading the trip - all of it. The travel, the food, the people, the interaction with my husband and child. I feel overwhelmed and like I can't handle it. God I wish I had a giant bottle of Xanax, but it would probably just make me hungry.

Will post again before we go and will definitely post while I am in Cali - try to keep the sanity, even if just a little shred.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Importance of Liking What You Do

I have been giving a lot of thought to my profession lately. I spent all of last week either preparing for or conducting depositions in a case I am handling for two clients who were fired from a hospital. By Friday afternoon, I was so DONE. And I had a lot of time this weekend to think about what the hell I am doing with my life. I am just not very sure that I LIKE being a lawyer - still, after all of these years. Of course, I spent several years doing HR but the past two and a half years have been pretty much lawyer-focused and I just don't know if I want to continue down this path for the next 20 years. Call me crazy, but I think it is very important for a person to take pleasure or at least pride in what they do. I think it is important to LIKE what you do. And lately, I just don't like the lawyer thing.

I would prefer to have more free time - free time to spend with my son, free time to spend cleaning my house or doing laundry or whatever it is I want to focus on. More free time to write, be it on this blog or in my journals or wherever. I would also like to make more money - don't laugh. Despite the belief that all lawyers make loads of money, I am here to tell you that they don't - especially lawyers who live in Montana and have gigantic student loan payments. I make a dismal salary in comparison to the salaries I used to pull in Oregon or California. Am I happier here? Yes. Is my time more flexible? Yes. But do I experience any more satisfaction from my work? No - not really. Some might say that I am being unrealistic in my expectations - I should be happy to have the education I have, I have the potential to make the big bucks, blah blah blah. The bottom line is that I don't WANT to spend the rest of my life slaving away to make money by solving other people's problems. I desire something creative, fulfilling and inspirational. And if I could make enough money to earn a living doing it, that would be great, too.

So I am assessing my options, but discreetly. I don't want anyone thinking that I am ready to jump ship immediately. I am willing to continue practicing law for several years but just don't want to do it forever. I need to have another option, another dream, if you will, out there on the horizon. As I explore these options, I will share about them here. Sometimes just writing stuff down helps me to realize my own wants and needs - it makes things more concrete and REAL. I just need to start focusing on this issue now - I can't wait any more. I'm OLD, for God's sake - and not getting any younger! I will be 40 in 2 years (well, really, 1.5 years, but I like to think of that as 2 years) and can't keep stalling and just hanging in, hoping for something to change. I need to change, is the bottom line. Hmph - food for thought, in any event.

In weight loss news, I am extremely close to dropping into the 140's - a whole new weight decade. YAY!!! I was reading backwards through my older posts and happened upon this one (http://starkravingflab.blogspot.com/2007/04/flabbster-at-law-flabby-esquire.html) discussing my Trying On of the Pants Ritual, also known as my "fashion show." Wow - reading through that helped me really see how far I have come - I have moved through most of the pants listed in the first wave and have moved into (and almost out of) a number of the pants listed in second wave, such as the hot Nordstrom khakis - almost too big now! Not quite to the black Ann Kleins but hey - I've got 15 to go still.

And last but not least, I weighed in this morning at 150.4. I hope tomorrow will show me 149 point something - anything!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Surfacing

I have been gone for too long - really. Caught up in life, work, and personal drama. It is like coming up from the depths of some really deep water - I feel like I am just under the surface, pushing toward the daylight, moving up slowly, slowly. Well, without going into a long and sordid account of the past, what, TEN or TWELVE days, let me just say that I am back, returning to feeling somewhat normal, and ready to continue my weight loss.

I weighed in this morning at 150.8. I am amazed that with all of the crap I pulled in the past two weeks or so that my weight is anywhere near 150 pounds but alas, it IS. I'm telling you - it's the exercise. I also found that despite some poor choices around food, I still made some very good choices (sandwich without cheese or mayo, 80+ oz of water a day, only eating when hungry) and I am sure that had something to do with the minimized damage. It gives me hope that once I lose the rest of the weight (only 15 to go, I can't believe it), I will actually be able to STAY there and continue to maintain a mostly healthy lifestyle.

Thanks to the folks who have been dropping by and leaving comments. Isn't it funny how seeing that someone else is reading your shit actually makes you want to do good? It is like having a little rah-rah injection when I see that someone actually took a moment to give me a comment. So thanks - I drop by a lot of other blogs and try to comment on them (perhaps comment too much on some of them!!). I find that it really helps me stay connected, although I have been BAD BAD the past few weeks about doing anything on the internet, other than blazing through my inbox when I got five minutes. So the gist of this highly random paragraph was just to say thank you and I appreciate your kind words, all of ya.

We are leaving for vacation next week - or should I say, we are leaving to stay with my parents next week for the Christmas holiday. It is rare that I feel I am on "vacation" when at my parents house because the stress quotient is so high. And it isn't always my parents causing the problem - my husband becomes the main source of stress for me. I just need to chill - see, I am already worried about it and it is still over a week away. My goal will be to try and be calm and not eat everything that is not nailed down. No - my goal will be to just relax and maintain. I am trying to drop 1 or 2 pounds before we go and then want to make sure I exercise each day that I am home. At least I can bring the Hip Hop Abs along - yay! I am sure my 72 year old Dad is going to love listening to Shaun T tell us all to "smack dat." Better yet, I am sure my Dad will try to DO the smack dat. He is such an overachiever, he is.

I hope we all have a great week - viva la weight loss!!

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Feeling Grabby

I've been neglectful of my blogging duties the past several days. Well, actually, I think it's been a whole week. Wow - It started with Thanksgiving Day and just sort of unrolled from there. I ate a TON on Thanksgiving Day and then struggled to get back on plan for several days afterward. I went from 152.0 on Thanksgiving morning to 156.4 the next morning and then slowly dipped back down to 150.8 by this Tuesday morning. How's that for some water weight? It just goes to show that when you indulge, your weight will soar temporarily but ultimately, if you keep exercising and get back to healthy eating, it will return to its original place or, as in my case, continue to go down. I still struggled mightily, though, to get myself back on track food-wise.

And today, I am still struggling. Last night I had a bit of a food freak-out. I have discovered that the absolutely WORST time for me, stress-eating wise, is the time between 5PM and 7PM. I am rushing home from work, picking up my son, arriving home and trying to feed myself and the kid, waiting on my husband to get home, worrying about when I will get to work out - the list goes on. By the time Wyatt is put down to bed at around 7:30PM, I am just starting to feel some relief. I know it is a tough time for me and it doesn't help that we have a bunch of crap food left over from the weekend - chips, pretzels, and these really nasty pink sugar cookies that I kept thinking would be marvelous with chocolate ice cream stuffed between two of them... (Note to self - rid house of all ice cream NOW).

So this morning I weighed 151.6. Big deal - I will take care of it in a few days time and will be in the 140's - a weight decade that I have not seen in at least 3 years. But I am still worried for myself - I don't like my frame of mind. I am letting stress get to me - making me feel the need to reach out and stuff myself with food. Last night, I obsessively looked through one of my favorite books called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp because there was a sentence or paragraph in there that explained exactly how I am feeling right now. After about an hour, I found it - Knapp called this feeling "grabbiness" - A desperate feeling of needing mixed with the fear of not getting enough. Seeking something external to fix something internal. Well, she says it much more eloquently, of course, but that word "grabbiness" had come into my head and I could not stop thinking about it. I feel WANT.

I have a lot of fear right now about money and security. I have MOUNTAINS of student debt (both my husband and I, actually) and a gigantic payment is coming due in December that we have never had to deal with before. I am fretting, worrying and stressing about this thing and it makes me crazy. What it really makes me want to do is eat pizza or the absolute worst thing in the world that I could do - drink. I know neither of these options is going to help matters but man, sometimes it just helps to be numb, if only for a little while. I have to just keep in mind that numbing myself (not to mention sabotaging and abusing myself) is not the answer. I just have to keep moving forward, praying for God's guidance and asking that the desperate, grabby feeling of fear be removed from me. I have to trust that God will take care of us.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Shedding

As I have been shedding weight over this past month or so, I've noticed that I am also "shedding" in other areas of my life. It is as if by losing the pounds from my body, a weight has been lifted from my heart as well and I feel ready to begin delving into other projects that involve getting rid of things - things that are weighing me down, emotionally, spiritually and even physically.

There is my nightstand drawer, for example. I have ignored my nightstand drawer for, say, at least a year. Probably more, actually, because when we moved, we just wrapped plastic wrap around it and I left everything intact - "everything" being a bunch of CRAP. My top drawer is filled with old receipts, random pills and keys, pens, scraps of useless paper, magazine articles I am "saving," pieces of used dental floss - the list goes on and on. (Recently, my husband had to go into the drawer to find a nail clipper and wanted to know why I had a ramekin of peanut butter in there - well, I was just too lazy to take it downstairs, of course). Among all of this crap, there are a few meaningful things, too - my son's dried up little belly button (yes, it is in a wee baggie, not floating around collecting lint), pictures to go in his baby album (he is turning two tomorrow and I still haven't finished the damned album), cards from my husband, and other mementos I want to keep around but just haven't done anything with - in YEARS. The only thing that is kept in that drawer that I use on a daily basis is a Burt's Bees lip balm. Other than that, I would probably never open the drawer, unless it was to just add more CRAP.

A couple of weeks ago, after one of my weekly "fashion shows," (this is when I take out several pair of pants that are too small for me and try them all on to gauge my progress) I was especially thrilled because a pair of jeans I've been trying to get over my hips finally went over my hips and I was able to button them. After peeling them off and vowing to wear them by Thanksgiving (WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST FOR AN IMPORTANT BULLETIN - TODAY IS THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING AND I AM WEARING THE JEANS) , I was sitting on my bed and was suddenly gripped by a need to clear out that nightstand drawer. I threw it open and of course, was immediately overwhelmed by the prospect of "going through" everything. And then it hit me - save for the few mementos I mentioned above, I didn't need to "go through" anything. I was just going to let go of all that crap I'd been storing like a greedy squirrel and just throw it out - clearly, I wasn't in need of any of these things, as I had not looked at any of it in ages. I resolutely trashed a vast majority of the CRAP without even examining it. I stuffed a gallon baggie FULL of stuff before dropping it with a satisfying 'plop' into the garbage can. And you know what? I haven't missed a damned thing.

Now the drawer is not perfect just yet, but the liberating feeling I derived from clearing the crap out was extremely exhilarating. I felt freed, like my life was actually changing, and that I wasn't just this stagnant, middle-aged person waiting to get old and die. I know it sounds weird that I should have such deep and meaningful feelings from throwing away old receipts but I really did. After thinking about it, I believe that it was because the act of cleansing was change in my life and an affirmation to myself that I was ready to move on from this complacent resting point I have been at in my life for the past year or so. I was, in fact, changing.

And it didn't stop there - I have begun cleaning out other drawers, like my clothing drawers that are filled with shirts with stains and holes, pants that are too big, and bras that haven't fit these melons in decades. As my pants grow too big, I chuck them - I've never felt better than the day that I took an awful pair of Levi's that made me look like a beachball from the waist down and tossed them into the garbage - I further relished putting more stinky kitchen garbage on top of them, as if doing so made the hideous mom jeans even more gone. Again, the feeling of letting go of clothes that remind me of my past (parts of which were truly heinous) is so freeing - I am letting go of my past and am ready to move forward creating the life I want, instead of the one I used to feel I was stuck in.

I don' t know if that makes sense to anyone but me but I am still enjoying the feeling of "shedding" on a daily basis. I don't have to hang on to the old anymore - I feel free to move ahead into uncharted waters, pushing myself toward true satisfaction by tossing more little bits of crap each day. Try it - you'll be amazed.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Quickie Update and a Weekend Cheer

I lost another pound, putting me at 153 today - that rocks. More bloat water releasing? Perhaps, but I like to think it is due to my amazing mastery of eating well. The weekend is upon me yet again (man, time goes fast!) and I promise that my next post will be about something other than my personal weight loss of the day - a diatribe of annoyances, maybe? I am thinking more along the lines of the motivations that I am currently having for cleaning up other areas of my life, now that I am taking care of myself better. Please come back Monday (or maybe Sunday) for that little nugget of insight. Otherwise, have a fabulous and well-managed weekend. That is, try to keep your shit together diet and exercise-wise, but if you should falter a little and eat something not on plan, don't stress, do your exercise and do not say, "well, I already screwed up so I might as well blow it all weekend." Stay the course! We can do it! Rah Rah Rah! (Shake pom poms, perform high kick in skirt so short I show my cash and prizes to the world). I'm sorry - was I fantasizing again about being a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? Forgive me. It's that show on CMT.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

There May Be Something to That Period Excuse

So I got my period this morning (this shouldn't be a TMI moment for anyone who read yesterday's entry, okay?) and what do you know - I lost 1.4 this morning and weighed 154.0. Yesterday was a lower calorie day, of course, but still - I think maybe I was retaining a little bit of water. Certainly not 5 or 6 pounds worth, though. My theory on that weight gain excuse still pretty much stands, give or take one or two pounds that should disappear as soon as you begin to flow, ladies. And on a completely unrelated note, I discovered today that I am the only member of my all-female office that still has a period. Not an important fact at all, but I felt special. And young, even at 38.

Tonight I am exhausted. I have get up early to give a friend a ride to work and then on to my own work, but at least it is Friday and hey, next week is a short week, only three days! My husband is going to start pouting in a minute for sure because I am going to tell him that I am going to bed. No exercise tonight - I work out 6 days a week but I leave that "off" day kind of up in the air and take it when I actually feel like I need to. Tonight is that night.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Let's Just STOP With the Excuses

I am stalled out at 155.4, it seems. Now, I s'pose I could use the old "my period is due" excuse, but I hate it when I hear women using that as an excuse for weight gain or even weight stall, as if just because your period is imminent, you've suddenly blown up into one of those giant balloon creatures (usually an ape or a loaf of bread, in these parts) you see flying from the roofs of used car lots. I hate it when I read comments on other weight loss blogs that say things like, "I gained five pounds this week...it must be because my period is coming," or "I weighed six pounds more than I did yesterday - it must be that my period is coming." Whatever, ladies.

I get so frustrated by reading other people's excuses for their inability to lose weight, depsite the fact that I've probably used every one of those excuses myself at some point or another. One of my favorites is "I just don't have time to exercise." Really? Do you have time to DIE? Because that is what is going to happen to you if you don't lose some damned weight and get healthy. You know, I don't really "have time," either, if I am not willing to haul my lazy ass out of bed in the morning before the kid wakes up or pry myself from the television in the evening when the babe has gone to bed. Or wait - "Obesity just runs in my family." Yeah, why not break the cycle? What are they saying really? Fat people create little fat people that become adult fat people? Okay, so - stop being fat! DO something about it - stop talking about it, for God's sake and change it.

I'm not saying it is EASY to change or that it is a simple process to go from fat to healthy. It takes hard work, planning ahead, and above all, discipline. I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" lately and man, I just love that show. Those people work their asses off to lose that weight and yes, they are in a special situation and have special food and doctors and all that but you know what? They are still the ones doing the work amazingly, when someone gets kicked off and they show them several months later, they have all kept up their quest to lose weight and become healthy. They realized how UNhappy they were and how it was affecting their lives and they decided to change their lives, not just their weight. It's incredible, really.

On a final note, I hate it when I hear an obese person say, "I am happy this way," or "I accept that this is who I am." I do not believe they are happy and that if they were truly introspective and examined their lives and relationships, they would realize that they are not happy at all. It is one thing to accept your current state and learn to be patient as you make healthy changes but it is another thing entirely to say that you accept that the fat you is "who you are." Your body is not who you are - what is inside is who you are. But your body is an extension of you and a billboard to the world that says, "this is what I think of myself - I am not worth anything more."

I just wish more people thought better of themselves and knew that they deserve so much more than living in a fat, unhealthy body that makes them hate themselves even more. It is such a nasty cycle. However, once you decide that you deserve better and that you're not going to do this to yourself anymore, it is amazingly liberating. Through my decision to change, I realized that I don't have to hate myself anymore and that I don't have to do hateful things to myself anymore (like intentionally overeat garbage foods to make myself fat, abuse drugs and alcohol, and other self-abusive behaviors). I have a choice - it is not just "something I do." And that knowledge is helping me reach my goals, little by little.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

A New Look...

Not that anybody actually reads my blog other than me and my mom, but I thought I might change it up a bit, spread out the words so nobody is having to read these long, skinny entries that go on for miles. Now, my entries will be much fatter, spreading across the page. And they will be backed up by a hot red and pink theme. I love red and pink.

After all of my glowing statements in my last entry, it turns out that I gained a bit yesterday but truly - only a bit. From 155.2 to 155.4. I might just have to gain a little to get my metabolism back into the flow of things but oh well - my pants are still loose, so there. And frankly, if I gain a half pound because I am eating more vegetables and protein, I am not too worried about it. Eventually, by abstaining from pizza, pasta and cinnamon bears and by working my ass off while working out, my body will be FORCED to drop pounds. It will just have to happen, no question.

I don't have much else to share about today. I've been thinking of some cool topics to write about here so that every entry is not just about what I ate yesterday and how much I weigh. That might be a nice change and would get me actually doing some real writing, instead of wasting all of my amazing insight and words of wisdom commenting on other people's blogs. So I am working on my list of topics - that is the extent of my writing for now. Check back later for further details - I'm sure you are just breathless with anticipation.

Monday, November 12, 2007

These Mysteries...

I had another weird thing happen with this whole weight loss gig. Okay, remember when I ate all the candy on Halloween and then the next morning I had LOST a half pound? Well, on Saturday I had another experience like that. I went to dinner with girlfriends, ate a filet mignon, a spinach salad with bacon dressing and half of a chocolate decadence dessert, plus cream in coffee, etc. Now granted, I had eaten extremely well all day and had exercised earlier in the day, too, but when I weighed the next morning, I lost almost an entire pound. .8! Totally bizarre, in my book, but more confirmation for me that my theory of "not eating enough calories" is more than likely right.

So I did a bunch of research today about metabolism, basal metabolic rate and caloric needs. I've determined (after putting my stats into several calculators) that my BMR is about 1450 calories, meaning that just for my body to live and breath, in a resting state, it needs 1450 calories. I burn about 300 calories when I exercise (discovered by working with several other calculators) for 35 minutes and I expend about 350-ish just moving about during the day (found by other calculations I performed). SO - what all this means is that if I wanted to just maintain where I am, I would need about 2100 calories coming in. If I want to lose weight, I need to reduce that amount.

It is up to me to determine how much to reduce it. A pound of fat equals 3500 calories. If I reduce my caloric intake for the week by 3500, I will lose one pound. 7000, 2 pounds, etc. The other side of this is, though, that if I drop below my BMR of 1450, my body will slow the metabolism because it senses impending deprivation and begins to hold on to the fat its got stored. So - the diet I've been following has easily been keeping me below my BMR but I've had some weight loss success, clearly (I was at 155.0 today). But I think that I am going to step away from the strictness of the diet and begin to supplement with significantly more protein, fruit and vegetables to increase my calories to 1400 some days, 1200 other days to keep the body guessing. This will mean that the loss may slow even more at first and it will also mean that I will come out of ketosis, the fat burning state that arises when a person eats very few carbohydrates. But I think I am okay with this - this past week or so I've added quite a few more protein snacks and veggies and have still lost weight.

I learned a lot today and will continue to research these things. I think it is important to educate yourself about health and diet and I have to admit, I've never taken the time to actually learn the formulas related to metabolism that could help me determine the proper amounts of food to eat for maintenance or weight loss. And you know what else? I am really enjoying eating all of these damned vegetables and finding interesting ways to add them to my diet. Really. I never in a million years thought I would say something like that!!

Friday, November 9, 2007

Ten Pounds of Blubber GONE

Today I weighed in at 155.8. So, since my most recent spurt of weight loss (or my decision about monumental proportions - see Oct 30 post) I have lost 10.2 pounds - Yay! It has been about a month - that is a pretty good loss for a month, though I think the few pounds were water weight! Oh well - I am feeling good and still losing and that is what is important, right?

Going into another weekend - will try not to lose mind with stress. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping and out to dinner with a group of women - all lawyers. It will be a blast - my friend Santana is coming and she is such a fun person. I stopped by her office this week to visit with her and we were like two school girls acting silly and giggling. Even though I am 38, I still enjoy acting like a child A LOT. So I should have a good time with the chicks tomorrow night, though I will have to be careful when they bring the dessert tray at dinner, lest I spring at it and shovel all of the sweet bits into my gaping maw.

Last night we went to a social event in the town where my husband works, Columbia Falls. It was really fun and I enjoyed socializing with a bunch of people I don't know at all. I particularly enjoyed visiting with my husband's boss, Eric and his wife, Mary. They are very nice people and Eric is a real character. The food was somewhat lackluster, but I did managed to snag a bunch of ham and turkey pieces - and (gasp!) I ate a piece of cheese. Also had a bite of a lemon bar and a bite of an awful eggroll that I suspect was filled with long shoots of dry grass. Oh - it was so NOT worth the calories. Anyway - we met a lot of cool people - a few really weird ones.

There were a number of drunks wandering around, clutching their free wine and beer, sweating and slurring, and just being downright LOUD. Justin said he didn't notice but it's just because he is not a drunk. Whenever we meet a drunk or I scope one out I tell Justin - "He/she is one of my people." Drunks always recognize other drunks - I recognize them wherever I go. Like gay people can always pick each other out. We drunks just seem to send out a signal to all other drunks - actually, I think we just easily recognize and relate to the silent desperation emanating from an active drunk. It is highly depressing for me to see that and just reminds me of what is sleeping inside of me and how it can still wake up on occasion and make me feel (and look) like a complete idiot loser. Wow - did I just say all of that? Hmmm - reflections.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Succeeding in my weight loss and feeling good about myself has brought a lot of other issues and feelings to the surface that I was not expecting. But that is going to have to be for another day, another post. I must go eat my chicken and spinach now. Spinach is wonderful, you know - Popeye had it right, although my forearms have not expanded into gigantic pillow-like balloons just yet.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

What a Slacker - But Getting Results!

It has been several days since my last entry. Work has been a little crazy and I've just not taken the time to do my thing (waste time by creating blog posts) for the last couple of days. As a result, though, I've gotten a little off and have been having a lot of cravings and urges to stuff my face with nasty foods that will not help my weight loss goals.

The good news is that I have been at 156.4 for the past two days and so I lost about a pound over the weekend. I've been working out like mad and shaking it to the HHA. But I feel weird and like I just want to EAT, overeat, and eat more. Today I tried eating several small doses of protein (more than the usual) trying to keep my metabolism up and my hunger and cravings in check. It didn't really help but we'll see how my loss is tomorrow.

I am not going to work out tonight and I am not going to feel guilty about it. I had some crazy asthma-type attack thing as I was leaving my friend's house tonight. I called Justin as I driving home to tell him to get my inhaler and have it ready - I wheezed all the way home. That is a bizarre and scary feeling, when your breathing is just not right and it feels labored. I started having this problem about a year ago and a doctor prescribed an inhaler to use prior to exercise, which is generally when it happens. However, when I am in the presence of certain irritants (it was fertilizer at Home Depot once, tonight it was a vanilla-scented candle, I think), I just get all restricted and my chest gets tight and I get scared. So - I shall not labor my lungs anymore tonight...and besides, I am tired as hell.

Hopefully tomorrow I will see another drop... especially if I avoid eating that stupid mini-Hershey bar that is hidden in my bathroom drawer and calling my name every hour on the hour.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Another Drop, Another Weekend Upon Me

It's Friday and damn, I am happy about that. Not that work has been a drama lately - it hasn't been too bad. Busy, but not AWFUL. Busy is actually good - it makes the time go by much faster, getting me home and into my bed faster, which is really where I would like to just stay most of the time. That sounds depressing, but really, I am not depressed. Just lazy.

So I am now at 157.6. Yay - got beyond that dreaded 158.4 - for days and days it was 158.4. I'm not sure why the bod is being so resistant to dropping but I read a few things last night that made me think that perhaps I am not eating enough food, which is causing my body to resist losing. On Lindora, you eat less than 1,000 calories per day - and some days, I would say I end up around 750 or 800, which I know is not especially healthy but man, the diet usually works. However, with such resistance to loss, I am thinking I need more. For instance - was it totally bizarre that I finally broke that plateau of 158.4 when I ate a bunch of candy the night before? Or that I lost again by adding more protein snacks yesterday? I am going to try adding a bit more protein to my meals, trying to get myself to at least 1,000. We'll see how that works this weekend and if it is no good, I can always go back. Something tells me this will work, though. I am doing a lot of working out and that increases the caloric need so - even at 1200 - 1400, I should still be losing weight. It's an experiment...results TBA.

Tomorrow is Justin's b. day (36th) and we are all going out to dinner, which should be fun but somehow, all family "fun" events have a certain amount of stress involved. I am going to try and be relaxed, despite the fact that I will have to watch everyone else indulge in pizza and other outrageously fattening pub food. We are going to Tamarack Brewery in Lakeside, which is a new joint. I've been there for lunch and it is fabulous - even the chicken breast and side salad were delightful so - it is totally do-able, diet-wise. Now if only I can manage my stress around handling the toddler at a restaurant, I will survive easily. Nobody ever told me that when you have kids, you will probably not want to eat at restaurants anymore. Oh, the calamity.

A fabulous weekend to all.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Chocolate Detour and An Unexpected Result

Last night we took Wyatt trick-or-treating. He was so damned cute as a little fireman. He can't say "trick or treat" but he was too adorable as he would take candy from people's hands and then say "byyye." It was a joy to watch him be such a big boy. I can't believe he will be two years old this month. My baby is a little boy, it seems!

So I was downright militant about my eating all day and made sure I brought a healthy dinner with me to my sister-in-law's place where I had heard a rumor that pizza would be available. But once we got there, the call of the m & m's became deafening and so I had a mini pack of them. Over the course of the evening, I also had a few other mini-bars and a half a twizzler (which really wasn't worth the calories, I might add).

When we got home, I had that dumb thought "Well, since I've already had some crap I might as well have..." WHOA, NELLIE! Wait - I haven't worked this hard for the past several weeks to blow it now. So you know what I did? I put on my workout clothes and went downstairs and shook my ass to a little HHA. I completed my workout and drank a bunch of water and guess what?

This morning, the scale finally moved. DOWN - only a half pound, but still... that was highly unexpected. I thought for sure it would go UP. So I feel good - I am not beating myself up about last night's little detour and I am not lost in a binge mindset, thank goodness. So I had a treat - big deal. Now it's back on the weight loss train, which apparently is moving right along. Happy Thursday and November 1 to me - it's a new day!

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Frustrated Again But Hopeful

I STILL weigh the same I did yesterday. I have basically weighed the same since Saturday. I have no idea what is going on. I mean, I am happy, of course, that I am still the same and not gaining but hell, there is no way I could be gaining considering how well I've been eating and exercising.

Trying not to be too discouraged. My blood pressure was incredible this morning - 107/78. AMAZING, I tell you - a definite improvement. And I've lost an inch off my boobs and waist since 10 days ago. These measures tell me that I am doing well, even though the scale seems to hate me. I imagine that by tomorrow or Friday, I will notice a significant drop in weight and then it will stay the same again for days and days. This is becoming a pattern, beloved body.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A Decision ABOUT Monumental Proportions

I've been reading a lot of other weight loss blogs - their links are at the bottom of my page. I read those and others that I find through clicking on links on other folks' pages. I really enjoy reading the main blogs and I also take the time (mostly) to read many of the comments. The last couple of days I read a lot of comments about how people tend to eat out of control, do good all day and then blow it at night, struggling with binges, etc. I've been there - all of those things happen to me repeatedly for sure. But in the last two and half-weeks, I've been stoically marching toward my weight loss goals with nary an interruption yet - other than my own bowels, who seem to be intent on clinging to every calorie or fat molecule that I attempt to expel. Damned intestines.

ANYWAY, I started wondering why things were different for me THIS time - like, why am I not falling off the diet wagon and inhaling animal crackers? Why am I not sabotaging myself as usual? I am the first to admit that I struggle mightily with food as comfort, food as drug and coping mechanism, etc., and that I fail all the time at dieting or health-improvement initiatives I kick off now and again. But for some reason, I am doing well this time and I think I know why.

I made a decision this time. I didn't just say "I'll try" or "I'll do my best." I said, "I'm going to do this, damn it, if it kills me," and "I'm not giving up - this is it." I stopped making excuses - "I'm too tired," "I have a toddler," "I work so hard all day," "I deserve a treat," and all that bullshit that we tell ourselves to get out of working out or eating well. Exercise is something that is happening 6 days a week now - and even when I start distracting myself with chores or T.V. or whatever, I still make myself go downstairs and sweat for at least 30 minutes every night (except one, which I allow myself and don't feel guilty about). I've relieved myself of making a choice - the decision has already been made. Now all I have to do is follow the rules.

The comments of all of the women that I read every day are filled with the same excuses I've always made (and will probably make again, who knows). It starts to make me sad because I know we all want to look good and feel good about ourselves but we don't make the choice to just do what it takes. Why? Do we think we don't deserve it? Do we think it won't be worth it? Do we have fears about being attractive, healthy women? Do we avoid it because we assume we will just gain it back anyway? Or are we just lazy?

Sometimes, I have to say that the last reason is the main reason - for me, anyway. And selfishness. I just don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be hungry. I don't want to be deprived. I don't want to have to miss any good T.V. Whatever. We can focus all we want on these deep, inner-soul reasons for why but in the end, I think most of my resistance is due to laziness and self-centered, childish feelings. And that sucks - because it is hard to get motivated when your inner child is screaming for cookies and a blankie so that it can cozy up on the couch to watch T.V. It is so much easier to give in to the child (my own selfish/lazy tendencies) than to say "enough of this bullshit - I am sick of being fat and unhealthy!" However, once I made the decision that I was going to do this, the child was easier to ignore.

The child is not gone, however - just in a time-out, really. I don't think our self-centered and lazy ways ever really disappear but we get better control of them when we are resolute about how we are going to deal with life. I am so glad that I've been able to be so resolute as of late. Now that I've written this, I will probably struggle mightly with my lazy inner child but that is the risk I take, I guess, for acknowledging that this can, in fact, be done - by making a simple decision. And note what I just said - simple decision. The decision is simple - the execution of your plan or resolution, well - that takes hard work and discipline.

Today I was 158.4. It's working, I tell you. And I am wearing my goal jeans from my last weight loss (when I went from 185 to 165) and they are loosening every day. Today is a good day.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Up and Down - Like My Moods...

All was great on Saturday when I woke up to find I'd lost another pound and was at 158.4. It was even fine on Sunday morning when I woke up at 158.4 (because really, how could I expect to lose weight when I ate CHEESE the night before?) But after a long and extremely stressful day yesterday during which I ate very well and even ignored a stack of potato chips, I got up this morning and weighed 159.0. WTF? Again, I am convinced it is a poop that is causing this unsettling movement in the wrong direction. SO - once I got over my childish anger, I drank down my liquid fiber and hopefully by tomorrow, I will be free of this thing that is blocking my way to a svelte and fabulous body.

Yesterday was not too fun - My husband decided we were going on a "drive" with his family. That usually entails me and his mom crammed in the backseat of our truck with my son's carseat in the middle while Justin and his Dad get to ride in the front, oblivious to our plight and randomly rolling their eyes or clucking their tongues at our occasional comments about slowing down or asking if we are "almost there." That's pretty much how it was yesterday, except my husband also had the bright idea of putting the portable DVD player on the back of the passenger seat so my son could watch the Wiggles to his heart's content. Now, it did make my son happier, but imagine having the Wiggles all up in your grill for well over 5 hours in the car. Yeah, I was not feeling to happy about that. I love his parents and do not have one of those testy relationships with my MIL, but these road trip things are going to be left to the boys in the future. I STILL have a headache. My MIL agrees that we are letting them all go next time and we will stay home. I told her I would have rather been home cleaning for God's sake. You know I am unhappy when I say something like that.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will have some better news on my weight but hey, I did wear some pants I haven't worn in eons to church yesterday. They were tight but dammit, if I can get them on, I am wearing them. Be gone, ugly Target mom jeans!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Whoo Hoo!

Well, my body finally gave in and lost a pound. I am now, officially, at 159.4. It is about damned time. I am happy - I feel much better about my progress. Isn't that kind of stupid, how big a difference one dumb pound makes? But it does - and I am like a little kid who finally got the ice cream he has been screaming for - satisified for the moment!

The weekend is upon me - I seem to struggle more on the weekends, I guess because there is more free time and more family-type stress, the kind of stress that makes me want to eat large quantities of salty foods. Hmmm - must avoid that at all costs. We are going to a Halloween party on Saturday night so I must be sure to eat a good meal before we go - and exercise.

I have been very good about the exercise. Even though I totally don't want to do it, I am doing it. And I generally have fun while dancing around, shaking my butt and giving some diva attitude (Sean T, the instructor of HHA, encourages such behavior) and before I know it, the DVD is over and I am free to go do what I want, which is usually to reward myself with some diet pudding. I am still on the food reward system but this particular treat is helping me, not hindering me! I hope to see more weight loss by Monday - I know I can do it.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Body, Get OVER It...NOW

I am officially pissed off at my body. It has been days, I tell you, DAYS - and my body still refused to drop below 160. It's 160.5, then it's 160.6 and today it was 160.4. This is getting ridiculous - I am working out every night, dieting (and actually being GOOD and not cheating) and drinking a fantastic amount of water. My reward? Nada. Okay, a little bit looser pants. BFD - I want more.

The frustration gets tough, but I have been very good about saying to myself, "just keep going - it can't hang on forever, it will eventually drop" but the childish baby part of me screams, "Damn it, I am so deprived and I get NO payoff at all - I want to eat animal crackers in massive quantities!" But I don't. It's diet pudding or diet hot chocolate - that's my treat nowadays. I have to admit - it is not that bad. I look forward to it, really.

Anyway - I continue the quest. Tomorrow is Friday - another work week completed. By next Monday it will be two weeks. I've lost approximately 6 pounds. That's not bad, I suppose. But I want to be a size 6 tomorrow, damn it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Edging Closer

Today the scale said 160.4 - yay! I am getting so close to being in the 150's, I can almost taste it. I hope it tastes really good - and salty, because God knows I am craving the SALT. Last night I ate two green olives stuffed with jalapenos just to appease the salt urge. I actually wanted to just drink the olive juice/brine in the jar but I abstained lest I blow up into a sodium-filled blimp.

Last night's HHA was great - I am an official booty shaker. I am a little sore lately - mostly my hamstrings and abs. It feels good, though - I swear I can feel myself getting more in shape. I am not getting out of breath anymore when I climb the stairs to my office, anyway.

So not too much to report today. And isn't that a cutie picture of me and my baby? I love my boy - I have to remember that I am doing this for him, too - and the child I hope to have by late next year. I want to be an active and fit mama. And hot, too, of course.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Weekend Food Crazies

I'm back. I just can't seem to find the time to do a blog entry on the weekends. I can barely find time to even make my Lindora food plan each day on the weekend! I had a fairly uneventful weekend as far as major outings or experiences go. Costco, grocery store, Target, church, home - the usual rounds. I find, though, that it is much harder for me to stay "on plan" (as they say at Lindora) on the weekends. I just can't stop hearing those f-ing goldfish crackers calling my name from the top of the refrigerator.

I am really being shown that food is my emotional salve for the majority of feelings I have. Happy? Eat something...you deserve it. Sad? EAT...you'll feel better. STRESSED? (That's the big one for me). Eat to calm your nerves. It's unbelievable how often the thought of "food as band-aid" comes charging into my head. I have to literally make myself walk out of the kitchen. Before Justin was finished cooking dinner last night, I went upstairs and just sat in the bathroom reading a magazine. It was warm and cozy in there, plus there is no food available for me to salivate over. (It didn't really help that Justin was snacking on chips and salsa while he cooked dinner). Once I had dinner I was okay but man, that is stressful just having to figure out a way to deal with my feelings.

Also, I have seen that I am an opportunistic eater. Whenever I have the chance to shove something in my mouth without someone seeing, I pretty much take it (well, not right now - that is what I am learning NOT to do). Usually, if I am alone, I will use that opportunity to eat something, anything, without having others see me. Am I crazy? Even if I am not hungry, my mind tells me "you'd better eat that while you have the chance," as if somehow I might lose the ability to eat it later when my husband is home. It is HIDING eating. SNEAKING eating. I didn't realize how much I did that until I stopped doing it. But the urge still hits me often.

I am up and down with my enthusiasm about losing weight - I get discouraged so easily and then have to build myself back up. One thing that totally helps a shitty mood is my Hip Hop Abs. I did "Booty Shakin'" the other night and OMG, what a blast. I am so glad I ordered this collection. It makes exercise fun and makes me feel like I am a great dancer, which I am not, but it is fun to pretend to be J-Lo or Janet Jackson every once in awhile.

I was 161.0 today. My body is just not very happy to leave the 160's and is holding on for dear life. Sorry, Chubs, you're going DOWN.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

WTF?

My weight went up overnight. It is a mystery. Well, maybe not. I didn't eat very "on program" last night, I didn't drink all of my water and my workout was more abdominal exercise than aerobic. I was still incredibly bummed out when the scale said 162.2. I sat there on the toilet (not going, just pondering) bashing myself over the head and of course having these ridiculous "I should just give up" and "this is never going to work" thoughts.

WHY am I so black and white? WHY do I get so distressed by a truly minor increase in my weight? Maybe I am just retaining a little water - Maybe I am constipated (which could be true because, um, like I said, I was not going and never did, come to think of it) or MAYBE I just need to forget it and be very disciplined today about my food and water intake and just KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Eventually, the weight is coming off. And I am not stopping until it is GONE. YEAH!

There were good news things this morning, too - My brown pants fit loosely, I am still in ketosis (trace, but still it's THERE) and my skin is looking clearer. So I just need to loosen up and realize that I may not see loss every day, although sometimes I feel as if I deserve to see loss every day because I am so deprived. Whatever - God, I look at my thoughts as I write them down and I am often blown away by the shallowness of them! Oh well - there is much work to be done in this crazy-making place that is my mind.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Another Pound Down

Today started well - I lost another pound. I am at 161.8 today and feeling good. I fit comfortably into a pair of pants that I was not so comfortable in a few weeks ago so that was nice. I can't wait to lose more because I have a ton of clothes that are all too small for me. It will be like getting a whole new wardrobe, almost!! Justin and I have barely bought any clothes for ourselves over the past two years, other than my maternity clothes. We need new everything, especially socks and underwear. All of my outerwear, though, especially pants, will be totally taken care of.

That all I really have for today. Work is a bit stressful but I am getting through it all okay. I did HHA again last night - I still love it. It goes by so fast because you're actually doing dance routines as opposed to feeling like you are just exercising. It 's fun, even if the ditzy asian chick on the right annoys the living shit out of me. I try to focus on Sean T. and the tall black girl, Justis, who I adore. These are my new best friends, you know.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Hurrah For Water Weight!

I was so totally stoked (I am so 80's - who says 'stoked' anymore?) this morning when I got on the scale and it said 162.8. I mean, I'm sure it helps that I started my period yesterday morning (read: felt and weighed in like a bloated corpse) so now that I am, ahem, flowing freely, I believe that my water is disappearing. Of course, I am drinking enough water to supply a small African village and peeing it out on a constant 20 minute cycle but hey - I never really understood the whole "drink more water, lose more water" thing, anyway. Perhaps I should move my office into the bathroom for the next ten weeks and just use the toilet as my chair. I can just see my clients coming in - Jill will tell them, "Yes, Ms. Breck will see you - if you'll just step across the hall into the loo, that would be great."

So I did my "Hip Hop Abs" last night - Total Cardio something or other. I got like 6 or 7 workouts in my package deal - maybe more, I'm not even sure. Anyway, I loved it. I've never done a DVD workout (or any workout, for that matter) where I was smiling and laughing the whole time. Now, I was smiling and laughing because it was fun but it was also funny trying to do all of these crazy hip hop street dancer moves. I thoroughly enjoyed it though and as Sean T told me, I am going to be very cute in no time. Sean T. is the instructor of HHA and he is pretty charming - much more appealing to me than Billy Blanks, who always scared me with that lazy eye and his U.S. Male-style man-o-tards. Even if Sean T. were a freak, I am still actually looking forward to doing my workout tonight - that is unbelievable in and of itself.

Must work now. Must concentrate - do not eat the carmels in the candy dish. Do not eat the carmels in the candy dish. Do not think about pop-tarts or cinnamon bears or animal cookies. Enjoy peach mango powder protein drink. Mmm, mmm, good.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Back From the Almost Two Month Eating Party

Well, I had to come back eventually. I mean, what can a girl do when she runs out of pants to wear? It hasn't been that bad, really - I have just been obsessed with a multitude of different things as of late (food and excessive snacking included) and have been absolutely horrible about my blogging obligations. So sue me.

Without any further adieu (or bullshit), I am here to say that I have gone back on my diet of diets, my fail safe, Lindora. You can read all about it at lindora.com. I am not going into long-winded explanation except to say that I know this diet WORKS if I follow it and don't allow myself to be influenced the the evil pull of emotional eating. It is very simple diet and I know exactly how to do it so - I have no real excuses this time. The first time I did Lindora I lost about 40 pounds, but gained it back very quickly. Stress eating is no way to follow up a rapid weight loss, okay? The next time I did it, I had just had Wyatt and I lost about 20 pounds, which I have since kept off. I am now bouncing back and forth between 160 and 165, a place that my body seems immensely comfortable. I just can't stay here anymore.

I look around and I see so many moms who have just let themselves go. But I also see some moms who look fabulous, and it is not because they have trainers and cooks or incredibly high metabolisms or just happen to have gotten that "skinny" gene we all wish we had (well, maybe ONE of my girlfriends qualifies there). They look good because they work at it. They don't sit on the couch stuffing animal crackers in their mouths. They don't eat mountains of pasta and then complain that they are too tired to work out. They don't try to find every excuse in the book to avoid sweating. They eat well and they exercise. No matter what. I don't harbor ill feelings toward moms who look good - they deserve it because they DO it. It doesn't just happen to them.

So clearly my goal is to be one of these moms. I want to be a hot mama. Actually, what I really want is to be comfortable in my skin, which I am currently not and have not been for a long time. Thirty pounds is all that stands between me and hot mom status. Then, I am going to get pregnant and have to lose it all again but starting 45 pounds lighter than I did last time will definitely help me get back in shape faster. Yay - of course I feel cheerful today - I just started. There will be bummer days I am sure but I am committing to do this. What is ten weeks, anyway? If I am not happy at the end I can always go back to being a slovenly fat ass.

Oooh and BTW - I got Hip Hop Abs - it's a DVD workout series, for those who are not in the know. I can't wait to try it. Of course I am trying it tonight for the first time. It looks fun and like the time will go by quickly. I will post tomorrow and give a full report.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Feeling Blah and Not Much Like Writing

The title pretty much says it all. I have been just exhausted the past couple of days. My husband and I began doing some intense workouts last week and I must have overdone it, though it didn't feel like it at the time, because I am just dog tired. Today I feel somewhat better but my butt was dragging all weekend long.

I feel fat and gross. I had to shop for a new bra yesterday (my old ones are disintegrating more and more each day) and I was in tears TWICE. I almost wished I had never gotten these stupid breast implants. I have no idea what size bra I wear but I was not about to have some anonymous saleswoman measure my melons, tut-tutting the entire time about the fact that I have implants, oh my God. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that YES, they ARE double D's, though they don't appear to be on visual inspection. They are amazingly full - let's just say I can fill a cup with no puckers. I'm really not sorry I got the implants because it made my breasts look much better but being heavier AND having implants (and having a baby) makes them quite large and unwieldy and definitely hard to fit into anything - a bra, a bathing suit, even shirts. I can't wear anything that buttons - I am a prisoner to knits at this time. Anyway, I finally made it out of the store with a single bra - and I can tell from wearing it for a few hours that it is too big around and the little wires that come up under my arm are sticking into me. That's nice - being jabbed in the armpit all day is so pleasant.

Back to fat and gross - I am trying to remedy that. I started a modified fast this morning and will end it Friday night. Liquids only - I decided I cannot do the no caffeine thing right now. I've added back a cup or so a day and frankly, I don't think that is too bad. I just need to get back to how I felt when I finished my last fast - my thinking around food was much improved and I didn't feel like I needed to eat outrageous things or sneak cookies or anything like that. Vacation right after my last fast didn't help matters. And I meant to start a fast yesterday but was overcome by the drama of the day and the sight of iced ginger cookies in the bakery department at the grocery. When stressed, I am a food sucker for sure.

Well, alright, I wrote quite a bit. I am just feeling sad and blah - not totally sure why. Fatness may have something to do with it but I know that's not all there is to it. My husband is going to want to work out tonight. I guess I will have to since I skipped on Saturday and last night. I need to want to but I am STILL sore from my workout last Thursday. Me and pull-ups are just not right for each other. At least right now.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Countdown Begins...

So we are back from vacation and I think my weight is still okay but I am sure I must have gained a pound or two. Oh well - I am now on my quest to look as fabulous as possible by September 15 - my 20 year class reunion. Oh shit - that is only about 3.5 weeks. Since I can't possibly lose 20 pounds, I guess my goal will just be to look and feel as great as I can. BTW - a comment asked how much weight I lost on my juice fast - I lost about 8 pounds in 10 days. The nice thing was - I felt great most of the time. I am going to do another one here shortly but probably only a 7 day. The 10 days was a stretch for me, at least right now.

Vacation was good - stressful, but good. My husband is such a stress case - honestly, we had some difficult times while we were away and much of it was due to his timetables and "plans" on how things were going to go. I was nearly driven to the brink of insanity a few times - we had "words" several times as well. Despite all of his nervous nellie tendencies, we were able to show Wyatt an amazing time - the ocean, a discovery musuem, Sonoma's Train Town, the Oakland Zoo - it was a very full vacation. And hey - he won't remember any of it! We had a lot of fun, though, just watching him have fun.

I will have to post some new photos soon. My fans have been asking for them. :-) Tonight Justin and I are starting the whole "P-90X" workout series again. Perhaps I will allow him to take some new pics of me for the website. I will try to wear something flattering and hope that my gut is not puffing out due to my womanly times. I am sure I will look lovely. We got a video camera and I have had the great pleasure of seeing my fat ass on tape. Here I think I am looking okay and then I see myself and OMG - yuck. I've got work to do. If you want motivation to lose weight, watch yourself (in an outfit that you think you look great in) on video. You will be inspired, I promise.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Feeling and Feeding - Finally!

I am eating again - the fast has ended. I actually ended up breaking the fast on Friday evening. It is difficult to explain, well, I guess it really isn't - I got angry and stressed about something and that caused me to shove a handful of cheerios into my mouth and instead of spitting them out (see Day 8 entry - how gross) I just swallowed those suckers. And then a few more.

I felt momentarily guilty but I KNEW in my heart that it was time to end the fast. I was and thinking a little crazy. In fact, I probably should have ended it when I was chewing and spitting the food, days earlier, but I pushed it another few days. In any event, I am damned proud to say that I made it 10 days and feel no worse for the wear. I am, however, glad to be back in the world of the eating. Oh and by the way for all you who may be concerned that I might have offended God by breaking the fast like that - I checked in with Him about 2 seconds after the last cheerio went in and guess what - He forgave me. I had a sense of well-being, even after the cheerio (and okay, a couple of animal crackers) frenzy that I had accomplished some of what I'd set out to do. I plan to do another fast in the near future - probably in about 2 or 3 weeks but I am only going to do it for a week this time.

It is amazing how taking your mind OFF of food can make you so much more aware of your hang ups and habits surrounding food. Or how much mindless eating we do. I am a total SNEAK eater - I try to hide what I eat from my husband and family (well, his family - my family all we do is eat and quite openly, at that).

So the other day, you know, that woman who looked at me and said "I wish I looked like that!" well, her mom, Glenda (who is my childcare provider) relayed that Stephanie (the "I wish" speaker) wanted me to help her with a diet. Stephanie just had a baby - about 8 weeks ago, I believe. She is ready to start taking the weight off - she is not planning on having any more kids. She is in her twenties and just had her third - I have great hope for Stephanie - she is so young, there is no reason she cannot get her body back. Anyway, I am working on a list of tips to get her started while I am on vacation and then I really do want to sit down with her and work out an eating and exercise plan for her (and myself, for that matter).

I don't know that I will be posting while away in California but who knows, I may have some internet access and some amazing story to tell so - stay tuned.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Day 10: The End Is In Sight...Thank God!

Today I am very hungry. The juice isn't doing much to calm the roar. Neither is the water. I am still able to focus and work but jeez, I am ready to eat something soon. I am going to hold out until Sunday evening, as planned. I know I can do it - every day I think I can't go on another day and then I do. It is amazing how that works. Thanks, God!!

Last night I was feeling pretty hungry and so I juiced a bunch of tomatoes and heated it up. I added a little spice (and some garlic salt - sorry, militant hippie juicers) and man, that was excellent. I love tomato soup in general (Campbell's with milk, of course) but this was pretty different. Anyway - I did that a week or so ago and added two little cucumbers - that was good, too. I think tonight I will drink some miso broth that I bought at the health food store last weekend. I strain it, of course, so as not to actually ingest one of those crusty little dried onion things. It is a fast from solid food, after all. Whatever. I am almost done with all this craziness.

No brilliant observations today - I am too busy at work. I am going to motor through the weekend and will post upon the breaking of the fast on Sunday night. Until then - juice on.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Day 9: Getting Pretty Hungry

The hunger is coming more consistently now. It had pretty much gone away for about a week but then decided to start coming around again. I know I can make it a few more days, though. With God's help and all. And a steel will not to indulge in the lasagna that I have to bring to church tomorrow night. Thing is, if I ate something like that right now, I would be in some serious pain. The hippies say that your digestive system is "sleeping" and has to be woken up gently.

I've decided to wake my system up a little earlier than intended. Now, it is not because I am a wimp or because God isn't helping, or that I am just starving my ass off. No - I'm trying to have some common sense. We are leaving for California on Wednesday, Aug 15. If I go off the fast on Monday night, I don't leave myself much time to "awaken" the beast and could end up having lots of issues on vacation. I am going to begin the awakening process on Sunday night - most likely with a smoothie of some sort.

I have had a few more observations. Like the fact that I can do this and feel good but if I try and just drink coffees and barely eat all day, I normally feel like crap. I haven't had a single blood sugar or hypoglycemic issue - nothing. I haven't had an ounce of protein and I don't feel like I am dying. I am still surprised by how good I actually feel. I am TIRED lately but you know - I expected to feel some fatigue. More than I am feeling, really. I will continue to juice, I think, even when I am off the fast. Why the hell not - it tastes so good. I don't know if I will go right back to caffeine, though. That is a tough addiction to break - physically - it hurt. I don't have a problem, really, with decaf. We'll see about this later when I am standing in line at Starbucks and contemplating a decaf. Hmmm.

A woman today asked me if I had lost weight and I said yes, a little. Her daughter said, "I sure wished I looked like that" - um, are you talking to ME? Wow - that made my day.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Day 8: First Bump In the Road

Well, last night I had a problem. I was thinking, oh well, I won't say anything about it, it wasn't that big a deal, etc. (total denial), I'm fine, life is great, and down down down the rabbit trail of FINE I go. I am a total ostrich about how I am really doing and always say and think that I am just FINE. Told some friends recently (other people who are also FINE) that I am going to get myself a hat that says FINE on it so I can try to fool myself even more.

Okay so this is what happened. I got home and was alone with Wyatt. First of all, I was having a big hunger attack going on. It comes and goes, according to the juicing hippies. So there I am, just walked in the door, and I realize that the owner of my house (I rent) has been in my house without my permission (he left a little note - "Thanks, Will.") I felt completely invaded and violated. Plus I have a cat and am not supposed to have a cat and now the owner knows. So I am upset about that and thinking of all the ensuing drama that will inevitably unfold.

Wyatt is being good but of course, he only wants to eat animal crackers for dinner. I decide to make him a little cheese sandwich with some hummus. I take it down to him (we were watching the Wiggles - I have no idea why my son loves them but he does) and, suprise, he doesn't want what I have made for him. Just the cookies, please. I start crying for some bizarre reason and all of a sudden, I am just gripped by the smell of the sandwich and the hummus. And I thought "F-it" and I shoved a piece of the sandwich right in my mouth.

I immediately regretted it and spit it out. But here is the gross part. After I spit it out, I was even more childishly mad that I "couldn't have" it and was feeling deprived and so I chewed and spit out about 4 more bites. How gross is that? Chew and Spit? Like the bulimics and anorectics do? WTF? I stopped myself at that point and drank a huge cup of apple/grape juice but that wild, kind of out of control feeling stayed with me for awhile. I prayed up a storm but I just had to sit in it for a few hours. I hate that.

I felt better after Justin got home and I had put Wyatt down to bed. The routine of normal things soothed my frayed nerve endings. I read about not giving up from my Christian-based fasting book and that helped. Going to sleep was probably the very best thing I did. And I feel better this morning but I have to look at that behavior and think about why I did it, if only for a moment.

I forgot that I was doing this fast for the glory of God - listening for God's will. I was more focused on my own deprivation and hunger - I was focused on the things of this world that get in the way of my relationship with God. If anything, this fast has made me realize that I don't just suffer from alcoholism - I have some crazy food issues, too. Basically, I USE food at times just like when I drink - to escape. This isn't exactly a new revelation for me but it has certainly become more clear. When I consider my behavior from last night, I also think that I could easily work myself into an eating disorder. So I need to be careful with all of this fasting business.

I refuse to beat myself up over the glitch, and that is all I am calling that little event from last night. I am not going to blow it out of proportion - yeah, so I screwed up, big deal. Move forward. It is over and I am on Day 8 of my fast and praying for further guidance from God.

Oh - and I am wearing my thin jeans today. Yay! Praise Jesus. :-)

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Day Seven: Still Feeling Pretty Damned Good

I finally did some exercise last night. Twenty-five minutes on the treadmill - not bad for a chick who is basically burning negative calories. I have more energy than I would have ever suspected that one might have on a fast. Granted, I am drinking fresh fruit and veggie juices but come on - that is not much in the way of calories, no matter how you slice it. See, I can't even keep food-isms out of my language.

Uh, I am starting to think more about food. Probably because my one of my girlfriends told me that she, too, shares a Taco Bell obsession, and that got me thinking about Nachos Bell Grande and Double-Decker Tacos with Sour Cream and Tomatoes. I don't know, though - I have become a very big Taco John's fan since moving here and seeing how absolutely gross the Taco Bell is. I mean, they don't clean anything in there. Whoa - okay, stop talking about the FOOD, already. I still have 6 days to go.

Yeah, I have decided to break the fast on the evening of Monday, August 13th. My reasoning is this - my stomach is likely going to freak when it receives some solid food. I don't want to break the fast on Tuesday and then end up with a bad stomach problem (nice way of saying diarrhea) while traveling by plane with a toddler for the first time on Wednesday morning. Let's just say I am giving myself some adjustment time before we leave for our trip. And I certainly don't plan on running out and getting Taco John's or anything - I plan to keep to a fairly natural diet for a few weeks after and then hey - I might do another fast. We'll see.

Okay, so although this is about God and all, I have to say a little bit about the weight loss. I've lost 6 pounds so far. Frankly, I thought I would lose more than that - at least a little faster in the beginning. But, 6 pounds is 6 pounds. I am thrilled to finally be in the 150's, even though it is only 159. I realize that I may gain some of the weight back when I start eating but I hope to keep the majority of it off with dietary changes and lots of exercise. It can be done. The hippies say so!!

I plan to exercise a bit tonight. I am still drinking the watermelon juice - there is so damned much of it. My husband said, "Hence the name WATER melon." Yes, thank you, dear. Now kindly shove one of those watermelon popsicles I made into your special place.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Day Six: FINE, Haven't Written DAILY

Well, man, if you'd had the weekend I'd had you wouldn't have written either. Now that I see that sentence written out, however, I am thinking, "What was so bad or busy about my weekend?" Not too much, really. I think the stress of the fast just makes everything SEEM worse.

Despite my use of the word "stress," I would have to say that not eating any solid food is NOT particularly stressful or even awful. Mostly, I just MISS it. And the weekend was especially difficult. First, I have to watch my son and husband eat and that isn't very fun, but was bearable. They both eat fairly healthy and I could just sort of look at the food and think, "hmmph."

THEN, however, came our visit to the swim park. Here, I had to watch skads of people shoveling in pizza, nachos (the kind with that awful plastic-like cheese from a can that I LOVE), giant pretzels, candy, soda, sandwiches - it was a nightmare. The only thing that kept me from reaching across the towels to strangle a nearby eleven-year-old boy who was inhaling a bag of salt & vinegar chips was the fact that the majority of the people eating the food (minus the kids - well, minus the un-fat kids) were LARGE and not looking too great in their swim apparel. I reminded myself that part of the reason for my fast was to break the stronghold that certain foods have over me (like all of that crap listed above). Yes, the fast is about growing closer to God but I am also asking for release from my self-destructive eating habits. I want to have a baby, dammit, and I want to get knocked up soon! So the overweight eaters really just inspired me to keep at it, despite my wanting to eat whatever item they happened to be indulging in.

Whoo - I digress. My mind is still pretty clear (for someone who hasn't eaten in six days) but I have these strange moments where I will be talking and all of the sudden I am conscious of the fact that a) I have been talking a LONG time; b) the person I am speaking with is beginning to look comatose and c) my breath smells like an old molding can of refried beans left in the fridge too long. (If you have smelled this particular smell before, you know what I am sayin). I have had a few "senior moments" where I've completely lost what I was saying but I don't know that that is the effect of the fast - probably more that I was distracted by the sight of Sonic's new spicy breakfast burrito on TV.

And really, I don't sit around thinking about food very much at all. I DO really enjoy coming up with new juice concoctions. Why, just today I juiced almost an entire watermelon. I just cut off the green skin (you leave the rind, which is where all of the vitamins are, according to the long-armpit-haired hippies that write these juicing books). Hippies be damned - they are so right about watermelon juice. It rocks. And you get SO much from one watermelon. My other new faves - tomato (who knew?), cantaloupe and grapes. All of it is amazing. I was not so hot on the sweet potato/apple combo. You could just taste that weird, chalky thing that you can taste when you bite a raw potato. I drank it but uh, I won't be juicing any more sweet potatoes.

I am praying and doing some reading in the evenings. When I feel insane like I can't keep doing this, I just tell myself that I can, with the strength of Jesus - and I get through another day. Truth be told, it is not that bad. I look forward to eating, of course, but I am not feeling crazy desperate or anything - YET. Just don't get near me with any sort of snack food. You might lose it, along with your arm.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Day Two of Juice Fast: Still Feeling Good

I went to bed last night pretty hungry (and mad at my husband who was being nasty for no good reason at all). I decided not to drink a bunch of juice before I went to bed as I knew that would cause me to have to get up and pee several times in the night or even worse, do that thing where you wake up, know you have to pee really bad, but try to ignore it and end up awake half the night when really, you should have just gotten your lazy ass out of bed and peed so you could sleep peacefully. I do it all the time and don't recommend it.

This morning I juiced 4 apples and two carrots - drank it down and also had a small water bottle (you know, the 16.9 oz basic). Again, a lot of pee. Then, I juiced two grapefruit and an apple for my sustenance throughout the day. I brought two travel mugs filled with my concoction. They are currently stowed away in the fridge and hopefully not "oxidizing" which is apparently a bad thing in the world of juicing. Me, I don't care so much if the juice turns brown. It still tastes good - I guess it is just not "alive" as the die hard wacko hippie juicers say. Whatever, man.

Otherwise, I feel alright. I DO have a terrible headache but I still think that is due to my caffeine withdrawals - I am on day 3 of no caffeine. Frankly, I am pretty proud of that.

I have noticed how hard it is to keep my fingers out of my mouth when I am preparing food for my son. Last night was a true exercise in watching myself and I STILL ended up sticking a refried-bean covered finger in my mouth - whoops! Habit, but wow - I never realized how much I do that. Also, the smell of food is hard on me but I just try to get away from it and think about something else. And pray. Been doing a lot of that.

Tomorrow I may have some awful news as my body enters "detoxification." The hippies say this is a bad time where you might feel awful, have headaches, nausea, backaches, etc. Sounds thrilling, doesn't it? I 'll keep everyone posted.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

In the Beginning...There was Juice

It is Day One of my juice fast. It is noon - I feel fine. I've had two glasses of juice - made with my fabulous new Breville juicer. OMG - I love that thing. So easy to use and clean.

So this morning I just threw a pear, a nectarine, a few random pieces of apple and nectarine that I had sitting around, and maybe a carrot? I can't even remember - I was so enthralled by the Breville. Brought some of my juice in a dark, chilled thermos to work. Word to the un-wise here - don't fill the thermos to the top because the juice separates and gets all thick and weird at the top so I couldn't even shake the thermos to mix it up. Had to pour a little of bottom liquid out, shake it, then put the liquid back in. Weird. I'm sure I'll be learning a lot about juicing here over the next weeks.

I plan to break the fast on the evening of Tuesday, August 14. We are leaving for a vacation that next morning so it would be hard to fast but I am going to make all efforts to maintain a healthy diet for the majority of my vacation. BALANCE. BALANCE. BALANCE.

I drove to work without the radio or a CD this morning. I am trying to make solitude part of my fast. I mean, if I am trying to hear God, I guess I'd better turn all the noise in my life off. That probably includes keeping my own mouth shut as much as possible. And no TV - that will be hard but I almost feel relieved at not having to watch.

I have to go see the nose doctor again today for my final nose sucking. Ugh. When I write tomorrow, I will have made it through a whole day of my fast. Yay!

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Preparations Are Underway for the FAST...

Well, I've definitely decided to do a fast - a juice fast, which I have now learned is actually referred to as a liquetarian diet or "modified" fast but you know, not the REAL, hard core you will most likely die kind of fast that Ghandi embarked on. I think I'll start a little lighter than that. I'm going with the fresh juice fast that will detox my bod. That whole detoxification thing scares me a bit. Dude, am I just going to have massive diarrhea for two weeks for what? Ugh.

So - I've got two great books I've been reading AND I finally broke down and bought a juicer off of Amazon that should be here by Tuesday or Wednesday. I bought a Breville, which I hear is a pretty good one. I am currently winding myself down into a sort of pre-fast thing. Over the next few days I am eliminating coffee, sugar, and as we get closer to Tuesday/Wednesday - the beloved bread. I am only slightly bummed about missing some of these things but a part of me would love to be free of my total dependence on them. And I have really been enjoying the fruit lately - good thing, since that is about all I will be ingesting here shortly - in its most fiberless form, no less.

I don't know exactly how long I will be on my juice fast. Certainly longer than 3 days but probably not more than 10 to 15 days. We are leaving for vacation on August 15 and though I think I can stick to a post-fast diet of smoothies and veggies and broths, I don't think I will be dragging my juicer along with me. Nice thing is, I can do another one later if I want to.

I haven't told anyone about this (other than my husband and my mom) because I don't want a bunch of negative pressure and bullshit from people. My motivation - to get closer to God and hear His plan for me - is very pure and simple. I don't need people trying to throw me off course with all their fears and worries and naysaying.

I will keep a log here of each day of my fast - I know I will need somewhere to write what I am going through. Parts of this are going to be hard but I truly believe that God will speak to me if I can just get quiet enough. Away from the distractions of this world! I won't be watching TV during this time, either! Must quiet the mind!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Returning to the Land of the Living...Finally

Well, it has been a little over two weeks now since the surgery and I am finally feeling better. I mean, I am not actually enjoying squirting salty water up my nose four or five times a day, but at least I am no longer in constant aching pain and no longer on the pain meds that make me a little confused and cranky.

I am actually looking forward to being a healthy individual again - I did some P90X workout with my husband last night - Kenpo, which is really just Taebo or cardio kickboxing, whatever you want to call it.

Now don't call me crazy, but I have seriously been considering doing a religious fast - a Christian Fast, if you will. I've been doing a lot of research on it and just seem to have it on my heart that I need to get closer to God - to really hear what it is that He is trying to say to me. I can hear these brief whispers but so many earthly distractions get in the way that I cannot understand what I am supposed to be doing. Truthfully, I feel a little lost lately and far from God. I hate that feeling and it is very easy to get comfortable with it, like - "Oh, I'll work on that later." Yeah, not a good attitude. That's when Mr. Evil starts creeping around saying things like "you could just have a couple of beers" or "you should eat that entire pizza" or "you should just ignore the issues and/or pain in your life." And he has been creeping around, for sure. For awhile. However, amazingly enough, the only real compulsion I've had is to eat but that can be just as damaging as some of my other obsessions.

I feel open and ready to do this but I also need to pray and take the time to know that I am doing it all for the right reasons. It is not about losing weight - although that is a side effect that I won't, uh, mind AT ALL. The true focus is getting closer to God and determining through prayer and mediation His will for my life. And I can't do that when my thoughts are constantly focused on what I am going to eat next. Honestly - I wake up thinking about what I get to eat next - I am giggling right now - that is so pathetic, but so human - so ME.

Anyway - I will continue my research this weekend and will hopefully be obtaining a juicer by Monday so that I begin to prep for this event. I will do a juice fast, not a water fast, because I have some blood sugar issues that I don't care to struggle with while I am trying to fast. My choice is to abstain from solid food, not all calories!! For me, that would not be a wise choice. Besides, you can go a lot longer on a juice fast. I haven't decided how long I will do the fast but will read more about it and plan accordingly.

Okay - back to work now. It is Friday and I am glad for that. I feel happy today for the first time in several weeks.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

What the F*CK Was I Thinking?

OMG - WHY did I have this stupid ass surgery? It has been about 9 days and all I can say is - this SUCKS and I wish I had not done it.

The actually surgery was fine - hell, that little shot of valium and then wheee! I woke up just fine from the anesthesia and was fairly happy and comfortable until the Demerol drip was turned off and I was switched over to Norco pills. Then the pain began and kept on and on for days. The first Awful Incident was the day after the surgery when the doctor (bless his heart, he really is a nice guy) removed the "packing" from my nose. Basically he reached in there and ripped out these giant, blood-filled tampon-ish things that had crusted up and dried to my sinuse cavities. Yeah, that was awesome. I was crying and beginning to hyperventilate and was just a total mess. However, I made it, and also made it through the next follow up appt a couple of days later when the other tampon was removed. It was so bad but still - having all that crap up your nose while it is all raw and bloody is just... digusting and vomit-making.

I made my way through the first few days, though, and really thought that I would be just fine when they removed the giant splint they left in there to support my devastated septum. I was so wrong - WAY wrong. Removal of the splint and then the follow up suctioning of the sinuses was some of the worst pain I've ever had to deal with. And the doctor tried to be gentle but he actually had to stop the procedure because I was moving too much and you know, it is not good to be moving around while someone has a 7 or 8 inch scope up your nose, along with a giant suctioning device meant to suck out the "crusty stuff" (that is a medical term,apparently) left from the surgery. And can I just let off a little bit of steam about the nurse? I mean, she was okay, I guess, but talk about cold and clinical. Here I am crying and writhing around in pain and actually APOLOGIZING to them for crying and she just stands there - no "it's okay," no "you're going to be fine, just relax," just a cold silence, as if I was being the biggest wimp ever and she couldn't believe my lack of pain tolerance. I could feel a weird hostility, really.

Anyway - we are giving it another week to see if my pain subsides but if not, they will likely have to put me under again to do the cleaning, which would really suck. I have already lost a lot of time from work - I don't need to feel anymore inadequate or useless, really - thanks, anyway.

I will write more later - My battery is about to go and I still have loads to bitch about. And by the way, I am in no way concerned about my waistline right now!!!! I'll get back to that when I am feeling better, which will hopefully happen this year. NO SINUS SURGERY FOR ANYONE EVER!!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Oh Goody, Surgery!

Tomorrow is my big deviated septum surgery. Thank GOD I will be asleep while various people shove long and torturous instruments up my schnozz, breaking it and moving the middle part around into perfect alignment. THEN comes the real fun - I am also having a "Maxillary Antrostomy" and an "Anterior Ethmoidectomy." Yeah, basically that means scraping a bunch of crusty crap from my sinus passages. I am not looking forward to this AT ALL. However, there is one bright light of hope shining through the terror and misery... I won't have to do those dreadful P90X workout DVD's for a few days.

Last night we did the Legs & Back DVD, as well as "Ab Ripper." Again, I almost fainted dead away. I felt totally barfy. BUT - get this - I was able to do a few of the abdominal exercises that I was not able to do last week. I must be doing something right. Anyway - I am taking a brief break from exercise until my doctor says I can do it. Then - I have really got to get serious about this shit. My reunion is in two months for God's sake. I cannot show up looking like a bloated water buffalo. And that is about what I feel like these days.

Wish me luck as I endeavor to have my proboscis probed. I will write later this week - maybe with a photo of my nose, which will be stuffed with "packing" that one person described to me as having two giant tampons up your nose. OMG - I am feeling faint again.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

That Good Ol' Barfy Feeling

So last night Justin and I did the first DVD in our new workout series, P90X. Actually, we did 2 of them because the instructions said to do Chest & Back and also do the Ab Ripper X. We did. And we almost died.

Our asses were totally kicked and our arms and abs gave out several times. I almost threw up at one time, I felt so overwhelmed. I really tried not to overdo it but for me, that doesn't take much, ya know? So tonight we are supposed to do the Plyometrics DVD. I am very afraid. I am not good at jumping around for long periods of time and my boobs are really not up to the task because I still have not found a great sports bra. Edit - I have not LOOKED FOR or PURCHASED a new sports bra. I'm sure I've found plenty but was too cheap or too broke to purchase. So I will likely be jumping around tonight holding the rack in my hands.

Hopefully I will complete the week in one piece. I will probably be glad when I get to go have my nose operated on next week because it will mean a slight break in my workout schedule. Justin said "no way - I expect you to work out as soon as you get back from the hospital." He was kidding, of course. Gotta run now. Get home and eat so I can barf it out later when I do "plyometrics."

Monday, June 18, 2007

Happy Birthday To Me - Thirteen Pounds of Success

It's been eons since I posted last... Well, only about a month but it seems like eons. The deadline for my weight loss transformation has come and alas, I am only thirteen pounds lighter than when I started.

Some might say this is not a great deal of weight, I should have lost more in 3 months, etc. Others would say it is a great acheivement and root me on to continue losing more over the next few months. I think I will go with the latter - I'm feeling positive today. After all, it IS my birthday.

I am frustrated with my weight loss diet - I have discovered that I just don't want some big meal at night. What would truly make me happy and satisfy me totally is a bowl of cereal. That is all I want. But since I have been low-carbing it, I haven't really been able to freely have a bowl of cereal in the evening. And I am not talking about wanting a giant punch bowl of cereal covered with sugar - I just want a midsize ramekin with some Splenda, please. Justin wants to eat pasta, meats, vegetables, salads - he really goes for it at night. Me, I'd take the cereal over all of that stuff.

I think I am going to try doing that - eating low carby all day and then just HAVING that bowl of cereal at night. With milk I doubt I am going to go over 400 calories and probably 50 or 60 carbs. If I keep it under 100 carbs a day, that is pretty damned good. Plus - PLUS - we will be working out at night. Justin doesn't know it yet but I got him an awesome workout DVD series that is going to kick his butt and mine. And we are going to do it together. My progress is going to be interrupted in a couple of weeks, unfortunately, because I am having that dreadful surgery on my nose but we can go for it in the meantime and he can keep doing it when I am down with the surgery.

I must recommit now to this weight loss thing - yet again. Turns out I've got a class reunion in September so - I am truly inspired now. Gotta look good for all those people who don't give a rat's ass about me - that's important! You would think I would be movitated to lose by my own health or the urge to play with my son or wear a bikini - No, I just need to think of myself at my class reunion with chubby arms and a size 12 dress and hey - I am motivated! I will be posting new photos soon - Let me get started again after my birthday cake, cinnamon rolls, etc. and then I will post some gorgeous photos for comparison....

Incidentally, my sister-in-law Emily gave me some new jeans for my birthday. These jeans are very hot but incredibly small. Now I have something new to try and cram my ass into. Thank you, Emily!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Stable But Oh, the Stress Cravings!

Turns out I really didn't gain any weight at all. I weighed 162 this morning. Pretty good considering some of the things I ingested in the past two weeks but when I really look at what I was eating overall I was still eating a lot of protein because for some odd reason I am completely obsesssed with chicken lately. No boring ass boneless, skinless steamed breast - I want chicken strips, chicken sandwiches, chicken salads. I want chicken (even if it IS breaded and deep fried) pretty much all the time. I have also been munching some fine cuts of beef - mostly some beef tenderloin thingy I got at Costco that my husband cooked up perfect for me (pretty much not cooked and bleeding) and an occasional burger. Oh - and the shrimp! Shrimp quesadilla (on a tiny low carb tortilla, of course), grilled shrimp, etc. I guess the lack of weight gain can be attributed to mucho protein and minimal cinnamon bear and pizza intake.

Today, however - I am being chased around the office by thoughts of donuts and cookies and chicken strips. I realized recently (I don't know why it took so long to figure it out, duh) that I have an overwhelming urge to eat when I am under pressure at work and stressed out. If I am on a tight deadline trying to crank something out by 5PM, you can bet that I am working on a bag or two of the cinnamon bears. Today I came into the office ready to eat just about anything (even Kitty's hardboiled egg was momentarily appealing) after a hurricane-like morning of filing something with the court, dropping the kid off, dropping off a CD for a friend and meeting some guys from church for a meeting. Once I got here I realized that I had to run down to the market because I needed some milk for coffee and some feminine products. As I drove down to the store I was thinking about all the food possibilities. Once I got there, I went straight to the milk and the fem aisle but then moseyed over to "look" at the cookies and donuts. BUT - I left with my box of OB's and a pint of milk. I came back here, made a cup o' joe and ate one of my bars. Now I feel okay and not ready to inhale a pepperoni pizza or run to Buns By the Lake for a behemoth brownie. I wish I was not so food-focused. It really has become a salve of sorts for me.

I plan to work out tonight - I did so on Sunday night and discovered that I can jump rope in my home gym. Love to jump rope, even if I can only sustain it for about 34 seconds. I lifted weights and did the 'step' and kept it all up for around 35 minutes. Yay - of course I was so sore yesterday from the weights and the lunges, I had to gingerly lower myself into bed last night, cursing myself but also being secretly happy that I was sore. I bragged a little to Justin. He wasn't especially impressed.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Still Bad and Definitely NOT Thinner!

I am not as cheery as the last time I posted. I've had a rough couple of weeks and of course I used food to soothe myself through... I have no idea how much I weigh and I refuse to look until at least Monday (maybe I can starve a few off by then so the upset is not quite as great). I always seem to sabotage my own successes. However, I am committed to climbing "back on the horse" this weekend and at least start jogging again!

In other news, my father (not to be confused with my dad) bought Justin, Wyatt and I airline tickets to come to California in August for a whole week. We are very excited. Mostly I am excited because Wyatt has his own seat and neither Justin or I will be forced to try and wrestle with that kid on our laps for hours on end. Oh my goodness - cannot even imagine that battle. Our travel date is August 15... I HAVE to be in my skinny jeans by then, I MUST! I guess I shouldn't base my weight loss efforts on dates - that is kind of stupid but at least it gives me a goal. Although my "goal" of my birthday for losing "as much weight as possible" has not really motivated me too terribly much...

You know what I thought of today that was pretty motivating? SUMMER. HOT. WEARING SHORTS. BEING COMFORTABLE. BATHING SUIT. Eeeek! Last summer sucked and every picture I see of myself from that time you can tell that I am terribly uncomfortable with my body and my clothing. Oh, and I look really fat, too. Nice. I really don't want my summer to be like that again. Must grasp onto this wisp of inspiration and give an internal shout out to myself:

"Onward, my lazy, snack-loving lass! Stop feeling sorry for self - stop feeding face of self - start taking care of self!" Take showers, remove makeup and wash face at night, file nails, get waxed, pedicure yourself, wear clean socks, hang up clothes, eat well and exercise! TODAY!" It sounds so easy but oh, do I struggle with the easy stuff...

Will give a report Monday on how this whole self-love thing works out.