Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Sausage Pants Are Loosening Their Death Grip

For months my pants have all fit me like a brutal cloth vise of some kind, squeezing me in all the wrong and somewhat unmentionable places. Finally, I am breathing a littl easier. I can actually wear underwear under my jeans instead of having to eliminate any layer of fabric that may add to my crotch bondage.

The scale, of course, is being incredibly obstinate. Today it said 168.8 or some nonsense like that. I have been downright angelic about my food intake and my exercise. I busted my ass pushing that stroller and squawking kid up those mountains last night and all the thanks I get is 4 lousy tenths of a pound? Hmph. Thank goodness I can feel my pants fitting better or I might throw myself into the comforting embrace of lots of pepperoni pizza (are you sensing a pattern here?) or my newest addiction, cinnamon bears.

Justin is being very supportive and nice, as is everyone else in my life. I appreciate the support but of course I can't help but wonder if they have all been secretly thinking what a fat cow I am and oh thank GOD she has decided to lose some weight, we didn't know if it would ever happen, she has such a pretty face and a great personality, etc. Actually many of my girlfriends and my sister-in-law Em are joining me in the quest for a flatter stomach so - I guess I am not the focal point of all attention as I may like to think that I am. Even Justin is working out every night lately although he still consumes massive mounds of pasta, much to my chagrin (and envy).

So here are my pics for this week. Same outfit, same flabby middle. We figured out a more flattering lighting, though, don't you think? Hopefully by next week we will perhaps see a hint of change!
Today's Weight: 168.8 (Bah!)
Today's Exercise: Walk/Jog in Lakeside
Song of the Day: Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

A Barrier Broken - Hurrah for the 160's!!

Well, I finally broke through into a new weight decade - I'm into the 160's now. Yep, today I was 169.2. Now that is something to be happy about. So long 170's! I never want to see you again until I am knocked up and about to give birth.

Yesterday, all I ate was protein and fat. I ate no real carbs except for some lettuce in my salad. Drank crystal light and coffee and water. My body just seems to respond better to less carbohydrates. I am not advocating an extreme no carb type of lifestyle at all. I need bread and pasta sometimes, man. But for my day to day, I just feel better when I eliminate sugar and many of the "white" carbs in my diet and focus on proteins and healthy fats.

I exercised last night by taking Wyatt for a walk in the neighborhood. We have a lot of long roads that are conducive to walking and running but I never knew that so much of it was uphill. Maybe I just didn't notice it until I was trying to push 40-50 pounds of baby and stroller up it. Jeez. I have no idea how much that stroller weights by itself - probably close to 15 or 20 pounds and the kid is around 30. Anyway, it was quite a workout. I don't know what I will do tonight. I didn't get up this morning to work out - I am so tired lately and I suspect that I have developed a sinus infection. Ick. I have kept doing workouts, of course, but I just have a hard time dragging my ass out of bed to work out at 6AM. Perhaps I will use my ski machine tonight. The Nordic Track is an old-fashioned piece of equipment but I tell you - it is an amazing workout in only 30 minutes, arms and legs. Once you master the movement (it is pretty tricky at first) you can really get going and just sort of veg out while you're doing it. Or watch TV or listen to music - whatever. I am so glad that we have room for our little at home gym - it really allows for more workout options.

Hurrah, hurrah! Seven jeans, I am coming for you.

Today's weight: 169.2
Today's exercise: Nordic track after 8PM...
Song of the Day: Click Click Boom by Saliva (a lovely band name, wouldn't you agree?)

Monday, March 26, 2007

My Weekend Theory Was Wrong

Well, I guess I only thought that weekends were not so hard. I was not feeling well this weekend and so I used that as an excuse to eat a little more than I should have. Hmmm. At least I admit that it was an excuse - a no good one, for sure. So I did not weigh myself this morning. I call that therapeutic avoidance - I just avoid looking at or even really thinking about the evidence of my misdeeds until I have gone a day or two in the right direction so that I won't feel so bad when I finally do look. By using this tactic, I can remain in denial about reality - a skill that I (and various members of my family) are extremely good at. It's the ostrich thing.

I just get so damned frustrated. I was stuck at around 171 for several days and I was eating well (read: not much) and working out. I am a person of instant gratification - I want to weigh 120 right now, not in 6 months. I absolutely hate the idea of losing 1 pound a week - doesn't that sound just awful? Anyway - things are going well today and at least I can say that I did two kick ass workouts this weekend and my butt and calves hurt from it all. Yay! Pain is gain, pain is gain!

It is very confusing trying to figure out exactly how much I am supposed to eat. If I try to restrict my intake too much, I stop losing. If I eat a little bit several times a day, I usually lose weight at a good clip. But determining the right balance is not easy, especially with my age increasing and metabolism likely slowing on a daily basis. I just don't know how those damned anorexics do it. They starve themselves and lose tons of weight. I starve myself and all I get is nausea and a stuck scale. And I just can't keep it up, man! Not that I am condoning such weight loss methods but you know, we all have that image of ourselves getting skinny and telling all of our friends how we suffered. I, and I suspect most women, love suffering contests - we all want the crown. And frankly, there is a certain undeniable glamour that comes with a stick thin figure - I don't care what anyone tells me to the contrary. And don't even get me started on the skinny people who bitch about not being able to find any clothes to fit them. Please - just shut up and eat a sandwich.

All I really want is to be able to fit into my Seven jeans again. I spent $130 dollars on those stupid jeans years ago and therefore, I need to get further wear out of them. Those jeans will fit me well before I reach my goal (unrealistic) weight - they should fit me just fine in about 15 pounds. There will certainly be a picture to mark that hallowed day.

Today's Weight: Ostrich Therapy in force - not looking until I feel able to handle the drama
Today's Exercise: Walk/Jog after work with Wyatt
Today's Song: Oceans Will Part

Friday, March 23, 2007

Flabtastic Friday

Well, it's finally Friday. I am looking forward to the weekend. We don't really have any great plans but I still like the thought of not having to get up and go to work. I find dieting a little easier on the weekends, too. I think I am not with the norm on that - I've read that people find the weekend more challenging but for some reason I feel more in control on the weekends, despite the exposure to far more temptations. And I will certainly have a temptation or two this weekend. Tomorrow night is my in-laws' 40th wedding anniversary party. There will be lots of snacks floating around but I am going to make sure that I eat a good meal before I go so that I am not too tempted. I will, however, indulge in at least one coconut shrimp.

Yesterday I went for my walk as planned. It really did lift my spirits and make me feel a little better about everything. This morning I did not get up early and exercise because I was going to make today my "day off" from exercise but I may just crank something out tonight after the kid goes to bed. I like to try and do something substantial on both weekend days so that if I don't get to work out on a week day or two, I'm not a total failure. But I should still try to get a little something in tonight, even if it is just a stretch video. We shall see how I am feeling - I seem to be developing yet another cold of some kind. Itchy throat, coughing, congestion, sneezing - the works. I've never been sick so often until I had a baby. Now we are constantly ill it seems. Wyatt, however, is healthy as a horse and very, very active!

My goal for this week was to hit 170 by Sunday. I am fairly close but probably need to step up the exercise this weekend to get there. I think I will take Wyatt for a long walk/run on at least one of the days. Pushing the jogger adds some significant resistance - at least 40 pounds worth as the kid now weighs around 30. My arms are surely nice and strong, though - once some of this flab is gone I might actually be able to see a muscle or two. Happy Friday to all!

Today's Weight: 171.2
Today' Exercise: Not sure about that just yet - but something!!
Song of the Day: Shout to the Lord

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Pizza and Money and Work, Oh My!

This morning I still weighed the same as I did yesterday. I guess that is good - I didn't gain anything AND it makes the loss from the prior day seem more real. Yes, Stephanie, you really do weigh less. Today I am stressing, though, and thoughts of stopping off at the market for some donuts or mini pizzas are bombarding me like crazy.

Whenever I worry excessively or have a serious deadline (both of which are upon me now) I really want to eat. It soothes the beast within, at least for a few minutes. I am freaking out about money lately - it just seems like we can never truly get ahead. We were doing better there for awhile and now we owe taxes and one of our creditors has decided that the payments we were making just weren't good enough and turned us over to collectors. These are the kinds of things that drive me to eat mindlessly or worse. I just don't see how to get out of the mess so what better thing to do than to just try and forget it for a little while. There are so many things to worry about already and then we get hit with this crap. I am just going to try to make it through this day without doing anything stupid or self-defeating.

I brought my walking clothes and shoes with me to work so I can go for a walk later. It is so beautiful here in Lakeside and there are great roads for long walks. Exercise will likely help my frame of mind although I would rather just find solace in chicken strips with sweet and sour sauce, thank you very much.

Another cup of coffee will help right now, I think. And focusing on my work. Sometimes I am not even sure if I want to be a lawyer, but that is another discussion for another day, I suppose.

Today's weight: 171.6
Today's exercise: Walk/Jog
Today's thought: I need to win the lottery as soon as possible

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Work In Progress - In Other Words, Don't Laugh

I thought I might be really hesitant about putting a picture of my flabby little body on the world wide web but you know what? I don't really care - seriously. I'm so tired of hiding behind big clothes or hoping that people are not noticing my bulges. With these photos, I can just say, "Yeah, this is me. You don't like it, don't look at me." Besides, I am not putting my photo up to say how fine I am - This is a brutal exercise in facing reality and then doing something to change it. So here I Week 1 photos. Big deal.

I was quite happy to learn this morning that I already weigh less than I thought I did. Only by a few little pounds but still - it made me happy to think that I am that much closer to leaving the 170's behind. Note the jaunty tilt of my hip - that's happiness right there. And a little sass.
When you begin to diet, you really start to notice how often you think about food or even reach for it automatically. For those of you who are moms out there and have tried to lose weight after baby, I'm sure you can relate to the unconscious process of putting goldfish crackers in your mouth. I mean, I have had to stop myself from doing that a number of times today! Right now, my count is about 5 goldfish crackers but those little suckers just slip right in there. And I've decided that my husband needs to take all of the Girlscout cookies to work with him. I don't want them here, calling my name all day and night. "Stephanie... Stephanie...."

I am home today because my daycare provider had to close due to illness and injury, so all I've really done so far is chase my son Wyatt around, try to appease him and remove all dangerous objects from his hands. I told my mom that when I am home with the baby all day I feel like my only task is to keep him from death or serious injury. It is an all day chase - thank goodness that little guy finally fell asleep upstairs after fussing for about 20 minutes. For all my tough talk, I must say that I love him more than anything in the entire world. Look how cute he is.

This morning I did another workout. Today I did Billy Blanks' Basic Taebo. It is only the short, beginning one but I still find it a little challenging. Better than doing nothing, I suppose. I love to see Billy in his shiny blue unitard that for some reason has a cutout in the front so that his teeny tiny black nipples show. I'm just not sure what the point of that is but in any event, we get too see his sweaty chest all up close and personal. Eeew. He's certainly very encouraging, telling me that I can do it and to just keep going and "don't give up." Don't worry, Billy - I've got to keep this up now that I've got an audience (well, my mom and dad, anyway). Wish me luck today as I try to ignore the call of the cookies or the other dreaded temptation that lurks on the kitchen counter - Hot Tamales. I just need to throw all of this crap out, honestly.

Today's Weight: 171.6

Today's Exercise: Taebo (27 minutes)

Today's Discovery: Turkey and hummus on a low carb tortilla (de-lish!)

Song of the Day: Fighter - Christina Aguilera

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

My Fat Pants Tore So It Must Be Time

So the other day as I was cramming myself into my last wearable pair of jeans (all the others restrict breathing far too much), I tore the belt loop off. See, those belt loops are just not made for such aggressive wrestling and this one had finally decided to give up the fight. After it snapped and I heard the fabric tear, I stopped to ponder what had just happened and the myriad ramifications stemming from the sudden death of a single belt-holding device.

There are so many things flying through my mind - I can't wear these jeans anymore unless I have a long shirt on, I may have to buy some bigger jeans so I can be comfortable, what am I going to do I only have 2 pair of jeans that even fit me anymore, and I wonder if my boss will let me wear sweatpants to work... Enough, already! The bottom line is that I have a ton of clothes and cute jeans but my ass is simply TOO LARGE for them at this moment. Instead of plotting how to change all of the "things" I finally realized I must change my body. Yes, the time has come to reduce this jelly donut body of mine to an appropriate and pleasing size (a donut hole would be good, but I will settle for a nice, firm plain cake donut).

I am so sick of being fat. I have been fat for years. There was a brief moment in time where I lost about 40 pounds but then quickly ate and drank it all right back on so that doesn't really count. It was a miserable time in my life, frankly, but I was thin, damn it, at least for a minute.

I am 37, almost 38. I have a sixteen month old son, a husband of almost seven years and a great job with a great boss. Over all, I am satisfied with my life circumstances but dissatisfied with myself and my outlook for my future self. I live in a place where how you look is not the most important thing but it sure helps if you feel good about yourself and I really don't feel good about myself at all right now. It has become exceedingly clear to me that I have absolutely no self-discipline. I don't want to deny myself anything and that is costing me A LOT these days. With 40 looming so close in the future I dread to think that I will have lived so much of my life not really having the life I want but being too lazy to put down the fork, get off the couch and at least try to make things better. I've got to do something - quick - before I completely give up and settle for mediocrity and further self-loathing.

THE GOAL: Lose as much weight as possible in the next 13 weeks. Day of Judgment is June 18, 2007, my 38th birthday and the beginning of a summer without shame! I shall not lurk behind my velour cozy pants all summer and will wear a bathing suit with pride (or at least some semblance of comfort). I shall post photos weekly to chronicle my weight loss. I shall use no gimmicky diets or other costly crap. I will eat less and move more, period. People spend way too much time and money on specific diets or foods or pills or useless machinery - the bottom line is that we don't want to deny ourselves SHIT - we want to give ourselves everything, feel no discomfort and weigh 120 pounds. Well that is just not reality - losing weight is not easy, takes work and sometimes, it is damned uncomfortable. I'm committing to this, right here, right now. I will do what it takes to acheive a lighter, healthier and happier me.

And just so I don't seem to0 vain or obsessed with my looks (even though I am, just like everyone else on earth) one should also know that a huge part of doing this is because I want to have another baby. My last pregnancy I was fatter than I am right now when I got pregnant. I gained another 40 pounds during the pregnancy, leaving me at 218 when I delivered. I am only 5 foot 4, for God's sake. I have already lost approximately 45 pounds but have been stuck for a year now at around 165. Oh, and while I was studying for the bar exam this past month, I managed to gain another 10 pounds in just 2.5 weeks. How do you do that, you ask? Eat too much and don't move at all - it was very easy. So here I sit, 175 pounds of unhappy, uncomfortable flesh, squeezed into jeans that hurt and a bra that is about to explode with my bountiful heaving bosom. I am tired of feeling like a sausage in a too-tight casing. I must save myself now so that I can live a long life, enjoy my children and hopefully my grandchildren, and still look cute in jeans when I am 80.

So here it begins - I have decided to capture my trials and tribulations over the next 13 weeks on this blog. That's right - my quest for weight loss and internal change will be captured here in living color for all to see (well, probably just me and maybe a friend or two, if anyone really gives a rip). I appreciate all good wishes and prayers being sent my way. Anyone who wants to help support my efforts can leave me comments on this site or send me an email. It's all uphill from here!

Today's weight: About 175 (didn't weigh this morning - too grossed out)
Exercise: Did it already - Slim in 6 25 minute work out
Song of the Day: Mamma Said Knock You Out, LL Cool J (for inspiration, you know?)