Tuesday, March 20, 2007

My Fat Pants Tore So It Must Be Time

So the other day as I was cramming myself into my last wearable pair of jeans (all the others restrict breathing far too much), I tore the belt loop off. See, those belt loops are just not made for such aggressive wrestling and this one had finally decided to give up the fight. After it snapped and I heard the fabric tear, I stopped to ponder what had just happened and the myriad ramifications stemming from the sudden death of a single belt-holding device.

There are so many things flying through my mind - I can't wear these jeans anymore unless I have a long shirt on, I may have to buy some bigger jeans so I can be comfortable, what am I going to do I only have 2 pair of jeans that even fit me anymore, and I wonder if my boss will let me wear sweatpants to work... Enough, already! The bottom line is that I have a ton of clothes and cute jeans but my ass is simply TOO LARGE for them at this moment. Instead of plotting how to change all of the "things" I finally realized I must change my body. Yes, the time has come to reduce this jelly donut body of mine to an appropriate and pleasing size (a donut hole would be good, but I will settle for a nice, firm plain cake donut).

I am so sick of being fat. I have been fat for years. There was a brief moment in time where I lost about 40 pounds but then quickly ate and drank it all right back on so that doesn't really count. It was a miserable time in my life, frankly, but I was thin, damn it, at least for a minute.

I am 37, almost 38. I have a sixteen month old son, a husband of almost seven years and a great job with a great boss. Over all, I am satisfied with my life circumstances but dissatisfied with myself and my outlook for my future self. I live in a place where how you look is not the most important thing but it sure helps if you feel good about yourself and I really don't feel good about myself at all right now. It has become exceedingly clear to me that I have absolutely no self-discipline. I don't want to deny myself anything and that is costing me A LOT these days. With 40 looming so close in the future I dread to think that I will have lived so much of my life not really having the life I want but being too lazy to put down the fork, get off the couch and at least try to make things better. I've got to do something - quick - before I completely give up and settle for mediocrity and further self-loathing.

THE GOAL: Lose as much weight as possible in the next 13 weeks. Day of Judgment is June 18, 2007, my 38th birthday and the beginning of a summer without shame! I shall not lurk behind my velour cozy pants all summer and will wear a bathing suit with pride (or at least some semblance of comfort). I shall post photos weekly to chronicle my weight loss. I shall use no gimmicky diets or other costly crap. I will eat less and move more, period. People spend way too much time and money on specific diets or foods or pills or useless machinery - the bottom line is that we don't want to deny ourselves SHIT - we want to give ourselves everything, feel no discomfort and weigh 120 pounds. Well that is just not reality - losing weight is not easy, takes work and sometimes, it is damned uncomfortable. I'm committing to this, right here, right now. I will do what it takes to acheive a lighter, healthier and happier me.

And just so I don't seem to0 vain or obsessed with my looks (even though I am, just like everyone else on earth) one should also know that a huge part of doing this is because I want to have another baby. My last pregnancy I was fatter than I am right now when I got pregnant. I gained another 40 pounds during the pregnancy, leaving me at 218 when I delivered. I am only 5 foot 4, for God's sake. I have already lost approximately 45 pounds but have been stuck for a year now at around 165. Oh, and while I was studying for the bar exam this past month, I managed to gain another 10 pounds in just 2.5 weeks. How do you do that, you ask? Eat too much and don't move at all - it was very easy. So here I sit, 175 pounds of unhappy, uncomfortable flesh, squeezed into jeans that hurt and a bra that is about to explode with my bountiful heaving bosom. I am tired of feeling like a sausage in a too-tight casing. I must save myself now so that I can live a long life, enjoy my children and hopefully my grandchildren, and still look cute in jeans when I am 80.

So here it begins - I have decided to capture my trials and tribulations over the next 13 weeks on this blog. That's right - my quest for weight loss and internal change will be captured here in living color for all to see (well, probably just me and maybe a friend or two, if anyone really gives a rip). I appreciate all good wishes and prayers being sent my way. Anyone who wants to help support my efforts can leave me comments on this site or send me an email. It's all uphill from here!

Today's weight: About 175 (didn't weigh this morning - too grossed out)
Exercise: Did it already - Slim in 6 25 minute work out
Song of the Day: Mamma Said Knock You Out, LL Cool J (for inspiration, you know?)

1 comment:

Lori said...

Hi Honey,
This is my third try to leave you comments (so you know how much I want to respond to this blog)
First, I love the name of this blog. I love your style of writting and I love you, love you, love you.
I know what you are going through. I can really relate to your delemia. I am 60 and still battleing the same thing. Although I seem to think your cute at any weight I think you are smart to make this change at this time in your life.
Dad's advice (JAG)is drink lots of water. My advice keep looking up. Find all the things you are thankful for and try on those fat pants weekly. I will pray for your success daily. And I will be joining you on this quest. I'm throwing out the junk, including the potatoes, bagles, Ice Cream and butter. I will also ride my bike 30 minutes 3 days a week.
Well, thanks for setting an example for me and posting your results on-line. I love you baby,
Love Your Mommie