Monday, April 23, 2007

A "Devil Wears Prada" Moment

Remember in the movie "The Devil Wears Prada" when the snooty assistant, Emily, tells Andi that she is "just one stomach flu away from her goal weight"? I know it is sick but I loved that line and this weekend, I actually got to live it. Turns out that there are some positive effects from the stomach flu - I am down to 162.5. Not that I am anywhere near my goal weight but I am certainly closer. Frankly, it was worth the barfing and other unmentionables.

I will post new photos - really, I am not lying, just lazy. Other updates - my blood pressure was 117 / 75 this morning so I am apparently on the BP mend. Diet and exercise always seems to do that - who knew? (Yes, I am being very sarcastic). And I still have my sinus infection so I have made arrangements to see yet another doctor in hopes that he will figure out what is wrong and help a girl out. I can't stand it.

That is all I have for today - work has been insane and I must return to it, pronto.

Today's weight: 162.5
Today's exercise: Nordic track, most likely
Song of the Day: Too tired for music today

Friday, April 20, 2007

Flabbster at Law - Flabby, Esquire - Flabbister

The Good News arrived on Wednesday - we have been in a daze since then. No, I still haven't done my pictures but damn, we are very excited to be lawyers! I am so glad that stupid exam is behind me - never again! Just so you know, Mom and Dad - I am NOT moving again and if I do, I will not be a lawyer because I am never subjecting myself to that sort of torture again.

Now that we are through with the Long Wait, I just don't know what to do with myself! One thing I am not doing is eating mindlessly. Oh and another thing - not gaining weight. In fact - I am down to 165.2 today. I love Lindora - I generally have a loss every day, even if just a bit, and that is extremely motivating for an instant gratification type like me (like most people).

I keep an eye on the scale but I also have a sacred weekly ritual to keep myself motivated - it is the weekly Trying On of the Pants Ritual - I do so love it. I generally always start with my Docker Khakis, then move into the Citizen Jeans (the ultimate goal post). Last night I ventured into some uncharted territory - the Black Old Navy Slacks, the Grey Pinstriped Nortstrom Slacks, the Herberger Dark Wash Jeans, and the Absolutely Favorite Gap Khakis... Now, most were still a little too (gasp!) tight to actually wear but many of them I could get on and button which is a far cry from a few weeks ago. I will be staying with this group for awhile - once I am able to actually wear most of these, I will move into the next Ritual grouping - Killer Nordstrom Sexy Khakis, Darling Tan Levis, etc., until I reach the Final Nirvana Group - Black Ann Taylor Slacks, Linen Ann Taylor Slacks, and some unknown size 6 pant that I have yet to even purchase. I know - I shouldn't get ahead of myself - but I feel really good right now and very set on what I am doing. The positive outlook feels good so - I'll take it! Stay tuned for future updates of the Trying On of the Pants Ritual. I imagine that this next week I am actually going to wear the Docker Khakis and perhaps, if feeling adventurous and sexy, the Herberger Dark Wash Jeans.

The blood pressure is doing better - getting lower with each passing day of a better diet and a bit of exercise. This morning I think it was 139 / 87, which is not perfect, of course, but surely an improvement over last week's most unfortunate and highly alarming 165/104.

When people ask me what I am doing to lose weight, I make sure not to simply say "Lindora." I think that is misleading because although the online stuff with Lindora is helpful and I like their protein bars and shakes better than those I buy in the store, I still think that all I am doing is eating less and moving more. There is no "gimmick" angle to Lindora. It is simply eating small portions of healthy foods that you buy at the grocery (basics - turkey, broccoli, lettuce, tomato, chicken, shrimp, asparagus, etc), doing moderate exercise (walking, jogging, ski machine - 30 to 45 minutes 5 days a week) and keeping track of it all either on paper or in my online Lindora journal. Oh - and drinking 80 oz of water. There is really no magic to it - it's really about discipline and learning other positive ways to help yourself without resorting to overeating. Lindora gives you the stuff to learn, but ultimately, it comes down to YOU - what do you want, a donut right now or a smaller ass in a couple of months? Sometimes it is tough but when I put all those pants on and find them buttoning and zipping, there is something that keeps me from choosing the donut (or potatoes, or pizza or cinnamon bears).

Some people are put off by the whole water intake thing - "Eighty ounces - Oh my God, I can't possibly do that - I'd have to put my office in the bathroom because I would always be in there, blah blah blah..." I can understand some of that because I seem to have a bladder the size of a peanut. When I am doing the water thing, I pee a lot. However, there are some creative ways to deal with all the peeing, one of which I will share with you right now, because I know you are DYING to have my amazing and endlessly interesting insight.

Upon waking up in the morning, I almost always feel fuzzy-headed and my eyelids are so heavy sometimes I need to physically lift them with my fingers to see my way to the bathroom. I stagger down the hall (even my balance is impaired by my semi-comatose state) and feel my way into the bathroom, turning on the shower, my only hope for true consciousness. Before getting in, however, I fill a 34 ounce water bottle with tepid, not cold, water. I bring that bottle into the shower with me and take a long drink - several big gulps. Set it down, wash my hair, rinse. Another big long drink. Set it down, wash my face. Another big long drink. Set it down, wash the body, rinse. Another big long drink. Done with shower, done with almost half of my water intake for the day. I only need drink one more of those over the course of the day and a twelve ounce diet soda and I am SO done.

The benefits of this Water In the Shower Ritual (I am all about rituals today, aren't I?): First of all, I am having a major accomplishment only moments after waking - does it get more positive than that? Second, I will have at least an hour or more in my house to begin the pee release but for some reason, the peeing isn't too terribly bad - perhaps because of the all night drought. (I kind of imagine the water entering my body and my body seeping it up like a big sponge). In any event, peeing in the comfort of my home is always nice and I generally get to work having to pee but then I am not running back and forth to the bathroom as much as I would if I drank all that water that quickly AT work later in the day. Finally, the very best benefit of Water In the Shower - it totally wakes you up. It's better than coffee in that way. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Mmm hmm. My eyelids are fully lifted by the time I exit my bathroom and begin my day.

Today's weight: 165.2
Today's exercise: Nordic track most likely - it's too cold to take the baby in the jogger!
Song of the Day: Would Not Come - Alanis Morrisette (Where is she now?)

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Good News and the Bad News

Which do you prefer to hear first? I prefer to hear bad news first because then you have a chance to be slightly uplifted after hearing something hideous. But I suppose hearing the good news first can also be a plus because you'll be so happy you don't give a shit about the bad news. Oh, who cares - here is my news today:

Item 1: I HAVE NOT received word as to whether we passed the bar exam. I am PISSED that we have not received such notice yet. It appears that notice was sent by pony express and should be here before fall.

Item 2: I HAVE NOT taken new photos yet but that is only because I've been a bit busy and not because I am hiding. In fact, I can't wait to take new photos because......

Item 3: I am losing weight!! Today I weighed 166. Well it is about time, man. So, I am down 9 pounds and only one pound away from my pre-bar-exam-study-period weight gain. This is good. Nothing is as motivating as seeing that scale move downward. I have been SO dedicated.

Back on the Lindora wagon - Lindora is a great weight loss program if you can get through the first three days. They are the hardest but once you've gotten through it, your body is generally in ketosis and is burning fat for energy. The benefit is, of course, less hunger and faster weight loss. The diet includes protein, fat and carbs and frankly, I don't feel too deprived when I get to eat one of their peanut butter crunch bars. I only buy the bars and the powdered drinks, like hot chocolate and cream of chicken soup. Otherwise I am all on my own eating Lindora "approved" foods in miniscule amounts that, for the moment, satisfy me.

Talk to me in a few weeks - I doubt I will be so cheery after eating turkey breast and broccoli for 40 meals. Its not that the diet doesn't offer variety - I am just a terrible creature of habit and tend to make the same choices over and over. Somehow that makes it all easier for me - takes the choice right out of it. I like predictability and routine, just like an old trail horse. Sleep, oat bag, poop, sleep, oat bag, poop, sleep. My kind of world.

In other news, my sinus infection seems to be improving. Of course I had to pay for another round of antibiotics ($77 dollars, I might add) but I was willing to pay just about anything to be able to breathe again. Oh, and the tooth I thought I might have to have pulled is safe for now. It is the tooth in front of that one that is giving me problems. What do I need? OH, just another root canal and two more crowns. I told the dentist he was insane and we would have to wait until January when my dental insurance coverage for that kind of stuff kicks in. Like he cares - he just moves on to the next mouth full of dollars. Dentists make $$$, but I would expect to make good money, too, if I had to stare into the stinking abyss of a stranger's maw all day.

My blood pressure is apparently off the charts recently - I wonder if it has anything to do with being FAT and under a lot of stress? Ya think? I have been taking it twice a day and it seems to be coming down with each passing day but - eek, it is scary. My mom is all freaked out and warning me about it which is kind of funny considering that I have been badgering her for about, um, 20 years, to worry about / do something about hers. :-) She just loves me, I know - and hey, I don't want to live my life on blood pressure medication worrying about when the big stroke is going to hit, so I am definitely focused on making the proper changes. Don't worry, Mommie.

I will get Justin to take my photos tonight and will post tomorrow. Hopefully we will get the GOOD NEWS tomorrow evening. Maybe I will weigh even less tomorrow.

Friday, April 13, 2007

A Long and Nervous Weekend is Upon Us

This is the last Friday before we find out our bar exam results. They should be arriving by mail early next week. It is going to be a tense weekend in the Breck household! Thankfully we have lots of stuff to do around the house (cleaning, laundry, yard clean up) and a very cranky and physically able toddler to keep our minds distracted.

I have lowered my food intake - actually, I've gone back to the weight loss program that has worked for me in the past - Lindora. I did Lindora when I lived in Southern California and I lost around 40 pounds in 3 months. It was quick - and then I got a new boss I hated (actually I think she hated me more) and I promptly let the stress of my life allow me to gain it all back plus a few extra. Then I got pregnant at my max weight. Yes, my pregnancy was just a blast. I don't know how obese people get through life - it was really uncomfortable.

Once I had the kid, I took a few weeks to enjoy my son and indulge in holiday foods and then I did Lindora online for 10 weeks. I lost 20-25 pounds. Then I applied the same principles and lost another 15 on my own. I could have done that again this time but for some reason my motivation level has just not been very strong. So - I decided to sign up for another Lindora session. I know, I know I said no "gimmicks" when I started this blog but I really don't consider Lindora to be a gimmick at all. The diet is low calorie, low fat and low carb (basically, low food) but it works like a charm. Once I reach my goal weight, I will go back to the whole touchy feely getting in touch with my inner child crap but for now I just want to get the weight off so that I can enjoy summer and then promptly get knocked up.

I plan to weigh on Sunday morning so I will do a post then and put up more photos. Perhaps I will have managed to obtain a new sports bra by then... perhaps not. Check back to see my amazing progress.

As a side note - but it is actually very important for me to document - today I overcame a serious urge to self-sabotage. Without getting into all of the dramatic details of my life long history of addiction and self-abusive behaviors, I am proud to say that I was hit with a heavy duty urge today and thought about it for hours but through prayer, some distracting and inspirational reading, and by reaching out to another and admitting what what going on, I managed to move past it. Thanks for giving me the strength, God. It has been a long time since I've struggled and actually come out on top.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

More Pictures of the Same Bod

My body is not looking too different but hey, I am wearing the new pants and I threw in a side shot this time so that you can see the reality that is my chest - in all its bodacious splendor. Seriously, you can now better understand my sports bra dilemma.

I don't have much to report today at all. I am committing to not weighing myself again until Sunday (and I will really do it this time) so there will be no news in that department for awhile.

In other news, I have been suffering from a sinus infection - went to the doctor yesterday and finally got some antibiotics so perhaps I will be able to breathe through my nose again someday soon. I didn't see my regular doctor but saw his new young protege, who I have only seen one other time. Unfortunately, the last time I saw him I was being seen for an intense gastrointestinal drama I was having and um - I had to have an exam. So you can imagine how delighted I was to get to see him again, the guy who had to put his finger in a place that I can't even mention. As soon as he walked in he said, "I saw you one other time - you were in for a gastrointestinal..." and I just cut him off right there, saying "we really don't need to revisit that moment, okay?" Yuck. Anyway, he confirmed what I thought was the problem for about the last month - sinus infection. I am getting a referral from him to an ear/nose/throat guy because I am seriously considering getting nose surgery for my deviated septum so that this hideous cycle of sinus infections might come to an end.

I am also considering having a molar pulled in the very near future. Dental work is so expensive and I just cannot DO a dental implant right now. The tooth is starting to give me a lot of trouble and it just cannot be filled anymore. So I say screw it, it's coming out. I plan to get an implant at a later date but for now I will just have to gum things. I sure hope my children inherit their father's teeth.

That's enough babbling. Oh and my song of the day is definitely "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. I listened to that a couple of times today. That song still rocks! Oops - and here are my pictures before I forget to post them. Maaaahvelous!!!

Monday, April 9, 2007

New Pants and Supporting the Girls

I am so bad - all this talk about being so committed to my entries on the blog and here I go and miss several days AND failed to post my photos for last week. Shame on me. Oh well - I have a happy attitude today despite my failings as a weight-losing member of society.

I went and weighed myself last Thursday despite my um, promise, not to. Lo and behold, I had still not lost any weight and was still stuck at 169 ish (leaning very close to 170, let's say). I was SO pissed off. I promptly ate something forbidden, just as any reasonable woman would - I mean really, I might as well have been eating pizza all week. Maybe that is going a little far but you know what I mean.

So I am just going to forget all that and just put my nose to the grindstone yet again. Move more, eat less, move more, eat less. I did happen to buy myself a new pair of workout pants so that I don't have to feel like some skanky schlub out jogging the streets of my beautiful neighborhood in my nasty old velour cozy pants. One pair I have is too big (baggy butt), one pair has a hole on the right cheek (air vent butt) and the last pair is so damned old and thin that when I had my baby and was wearing them in the hospital, my parents felt so sorry for me that they went out and bought me a giant velour jogging suit (preggers-style), jammies and a robe. SO - the new workout pants are not velour, thank God, and they are quite sassy with a white stripe down the leg. Now I just need to put them on and do something.

What I really need is a new sports bra. I was looking at these poor excuses for sports bras at Target. Are they serious? The term "sports BRA" clearly indicates that the person wearing it will have BREASTS they want to keep from flopping around when jogging, jumping, etc. These wee wisps of fabric that are masquerading as "sports bras" are certainly not capable of strapping down these cantaloupes - no way. The tags say that the sports bras have a "shelf bra" in them to offer extra support. Baby, I don't need a shelf, I need a damned iron-reinforced overpass, complete with earthquake retrofitting to accommodate even the most severe techtonic forces. I mean, I've got RACK. So I've been checking out the internet - a website called Title 9 has some awesome contraptions that are guaranteed to hold the girls in place but they want some serious cash. I guess I can understand, considering the amount of reinforcement, advanced top secret government-issue fabric and extra sewing that is sure to be involved. Anyway - I'm sure I will have to bend to the pressure and buy one soon as I cannot continue to jog along holding my boobs in hopes that I will notice any on-coming cars or neighbors in their yards before they seem me gripping myself. Really - I do it.

I will post new photos tomorrow, though they are not going to be any different, really. Well, you might notice something different. How about this - I will wear my new workout pants. Unfortunately, I will still be wearing the old sports bra. Here's the tip that it is OLD - It is a size small but so stretched out by years and years of use that even as a 38DD I can still wear it. That's probably why I am able to still use it for support - it is stretched to full capacity and about to explode.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Smooth Sailing So Far This Week

This week has gone fairly well on the food front, meaning that I haven't had too many awful cravings or temptations. I have no idea if any of it is doing any good since I haven't weighed myself but last night I tried on the infamous Seven Jeans (I discovered that they are actually NOT Seven jeans but are Citizens of Humanity or some stupid hyped up name like that) and I could just barely get them buttoned but I got them over my hips and closed and that's definitely progress. I think my big ol' gut is looking a little smaller, too.

I am really not just totally obsessed with my body - there are other things going on in my life besides my weight loss goals but I focus on that because that is what this whole blog is supposed to be about. For example - Right now Justin and I are sweating it out and waiting for our bar exam results. We should get them around April 16 or 17. Waiting sucks!! For me, it is especially crucial that I pass, not only because I failed half of the exam last time but because my boss and I have a pretty full case load right now and it would be great to actually be able to a) sign documents that I have worked so hard on and b) charge more $ for my time. However, I would give up passing if it meant that Justin would absolutely pass. We both feel pretty good about the exam, though, so I am hopeful that we will both be getting the small envelopes (you only get the big one if you fail and last time, I got the big one - shiiiiiit). I will not be happy if only one of us gets the small one, no matter who it is. Okay, I can't think about this anymore because there is nothing I can do at this point to influence the outcome. I just don't ever want to take another bar exam again. One in 1999 (Oregon), one in 2006, one in 2007 (both Montana) - that is enough!

Justin is sitting next to me and eyeing the computer as if he has some big pressing thing he needs to do and I am keeping him from it. He didn't make a move toward it or say he needed to work on it UNTIL I picked it up and then suddenly he has a critical assignment to complete for his Aunt that has an immediate deadline. Hmmm - men.

Today's Weight: Still not looking but my pee stick is purple (burning fat for energy!)
Today's Exercise: 30 minutes on the Nordic Track (rainy and coooold outside)
Song of the Day: U Can't Touch This - I love MC Hammer and his puffy pants - remember the video?

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

I'm Still Here!

Well, my weekend was a little hectic and then yesterday I just didn't get to my blog. SO SORRY. Over the weekend I had another pant ripping crisis. There we were, shopping in Costco - I was wearing an older pair of jeans that were finally starting to loosen up a little. I squatted down to put a flat of water bottles under the cart and yep, sure enough, the fabric covering my left butt cheek gave way with a bizarre ripping tickle-y feeling. That was just great. I didn't have a sweatshirt to tie around my waist or anything. So I just went with it but promptly made a beeline for the Levi table where I picked out a replacement pair.

Okay so they didn't rip because I am so fat - they just gave up the fight. C'mon, they were $20 jeans from Target, all soft and super thin from constant wearing because no other pants really have been fitting. I am actually glad they are in the trash. I never really liked them that much, anyway.

I decided that I am not going to weigh myself at all this week and hold out until Sunday. The last time I weighed myself I was disappointed. I've been pretty disappointed all along this journey so far because my weight has not really changed that much and I have made a lot of changes in my eating and exercise habits. So instead of being crushed every morning, I 've decided to only check once a week and thereby be happy for whatever loss actually occurs.

I have really been enjoying my walk/jogs lately. I am almost to the point of being able to say I am "running" again - I'm almost there. It has been very pleasant. I have found that I really enjoy listening to my praise music while working out. I never thought that would be the case because I usually listen to some crazy techno dance or heavy metal music when I am exercising but lately the God music has truly been fabulous and inspirational. Who knew?

Well, it's down into the gym I go to do 30 minutes on the ski machine - I did the same last night. I seem to have developed an ingrown toenail irritation so I have not been out "running" in the last couple of days. That's okay - I think I burn just as many calories on the Nordic Track, actually.

Today's Weight - not gonna do it
Today's Exercise - ski machine and watch "Sideways" while doing it
Song of the Day - Love listening to "Agnus Dei" of which there are about a million different versions on ITunes. I like Michael's Smith's.