Saturday, July 28, 2007

Preparations Are Underway for the FAST...

Well, I've definitely decided to do a fast - a juice fast, which I have now learned is actually referred to as a liquetarian diet or "modified" fast but you know, not the REAL, hard core you will most likely die kind of fast that Ghandi embarked on. I think I'll start a little lighter than that. I'm going with the fresh juice fast that will detox my bod. That whole detoxification thing scares me a bit. Dude, am I just going to have massive diarrhea for two weeks for what? Ugh.

So - I've got two great books I've been reading AND I finally broke down and bought a juicer off of Amazon that should be here by Tuesday or Wednesday. I bought a Breville, which I hear is a pretty good one. I am currently winding myself down into a sort of pre-fast thing. Over the next few days I am eliminating coffee, sugar, and as we get closer to Tuesday/Wednesday - the beloved bread. I am only slightly bummed about missing some of these things but a part of me would love to be free of my total dependence on them. And I have really been enjoying the fruit lately - good thing, since that is about all I will be ingesting here shortly - in its most fiberless form, no less.

I don't know exactly how long I will be on my juice fast. Certainly longer than 3 days but probably not more than 10 to 15 days. We are leaving for vacation on August 15 and though I think I can stick to a post-fast diet of smoothies and veggies and broths, I don't think I will be dragging my juicer along with me. Nice thing is, I can do another one later if I want to.

I haven't told anyone about this (other than my husband and my mom) because I don't want a bunch of negative pressure and bullshit from people. My motivation - to get closer to God and hear His plan for me - is very pure and simple. I don't need people trying to throw me off course with all their fears and worries and naysaying.

I will keep a log here of each day of my fast - I know I will need somewhere to write what I am going through. Parts of this are going to be hard but I truly believe that God will speak to me if I can just get quiet enough. Away from the distractions of this world! I won't be watching TV during this time, either! Must quiet the mind!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Returning to the Land of the Living...Finally

Well, it has been a little over two weeks now since the surgery and I am finally feeling better. I mean, I am not actually enjoying squirting salty water up my nose four or five times a day, but at least I am no longer in constant aching pain and no longer on the pain meds that make me a little confused and cranky.

I am actually looking forward to being a healthy individual again - I did some P90X workout with my husband last night - Kenpo, which is really just Taebo or cardio kickboxing, whatever you want to call it.

Now don't call me crazy, but I have seriously been considering doing a religious fast - a Christian Fast, if you will. I've been doing a lot of research on it and just seem to have it on my heart that I need to get closer to God - to really hear what it is that He is trying to say to me. I can hear these brief whispers but so many earthly distractions get in the way that I cannot understand what I am supposed to be doing. Truthfully, I feel a little lost lately and far from God. I hate that feeling and it is very easy to get comfortable with it, like - "Oh, I'll work on that later." Yeah, not a good attitude. That's when Mr. Evil starts creeping around saying things like "you could just have a couple of beers" or "you should eat that entire pizza" or "you should just ignore the issues and/or pain in your life." And he has been creeping around, for sure. For awhile. However, amazingly enough, the only real compulsion I've had is to eat but that can be just as damaging as some of my other obsessions.

I feel open and ready to do this but I also need to pray and take the time to know that I am doing it all for the right reasons. It is not about losing weight - although that is a side effect that I won't, uh, mind AT ALL. The true focus is getting closer to God and determining through prayer and mediation His will for my life. And I can't do that when my thoughts are constantly focused on what I am going to eat next. Honestly - I wake up thinking about what I get to eat next - I am giggling right now - that is so pathetic, but so human - so ME.

Anyway - I will continue my research this weekend and will hopefully be obtaining a juicer by Monday so that I begin to prep for this event. I will do a juice fast, not a water fast, because I have some blood sugar issues that I don't care to struggle with while I am trying to fast. My choice is to abstain from solid food, not all calories!! For me, that would not be a wise choice. Besides, you can go a lot longer on a juice fast. I haven't decided how long I will do the fast but will read more about it and plan accordingly.

Okay - back to work now. It is Friday and I am glad for that. I feel happy today for the first time in several weeks.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

What the F*CK Was I Thinking?

OMG - WHY did I have this stupid ass surgery? It has been about 9 days and all I can say is - this SUCKS and I wish I had not done it.

The actually surgery was fine - hell, that little shot of valium and then wheee! I woke up just fine from the anesthesia and was fairly happy and comfortable until the Demerol drip was turned off and I was switched over to Norco pills. Then the pain began and kept on and on for days. The first Awful Incident was the day after the surgery when the doctor (bless his heart, he really is a nice guy) removed the "packing" from my nose. Basically he reached in there and ripped out these giant, blood-filled tampon-ish things that had crusted up and dried to my sinuse cavities. Yeah, that was awesome. I was crying and beginning to hyperventilate and was just a total mess. However, I made it, and also made it through the next follow up appt a couple of days later when the other tampon was removed. It was so bad but still - having all that crap up your nose while it is all raw and bloody is just... digusting and vomit-making.

I made my way through the first few days, though, and really thought that I would be just fine when they removed the giant splint they left in there to support my devastated septum. I was so wrong - WAY wrong. Removal of the splint and then the follow up suctioning of the sinuses was some of the worst pain I've ever had to deal with. And the doctor tried to be gentle but he actually had to stop the procedure because I was moving too much and you know, it is not good to be moving around while someone has a 7 or 8 inch scope up your nose, along with a giant suctioning device meant to suck out the "crusty stuff" (that is a medical term,apparently) left from the surgery. And can I just let off a little bit of steam about the nurse? I mean, she was okay, I guess, but talk about cold and clinical. Here I am crying and writhing around in pain and actually APOLOGIZING to them for crying and she just stands there - no "it's okay," no "you're going to be fine, just relax," just a cold silence, as if I was being the biggest wimp ever and she couldn't believe my lack of pain tolerance. I could feel a weird hostility, really.

Anyway - we are giving it another week to see if my pain subsides but if not, they will likely have to put me under again to do the cleaning, which would really suck. I have already lost a lot of time from work - I don't need to feel anymore inadequate or useless, really - thanks, anyway.

I will write more later - My battery is about to go and I still have loads to bitch about. And by the way, I am in no way concerned about my waistline right now!!!! I'll get back to that when I am feeling better, which will hopefully happen this year. NO SINUS SURGERY FOR ANYONE EVER!!

Monday, July 2, 2007

Oh Goody, Surgery!

Tomorrow is my big deviated septum surgery. Thank GOD I will be asleep while various people shove long and torturous instruments up my schnozz, breaking it and moving the middle part around into perfect alignment. THEN comes the real fun - I am also having a "Maxillary Antrostomy" and an "Anterior Ethmoidectomy." Yeah, basically that means scraping a bunch of crusty crap from my sinus passages. I am not looking forward to this AT ALL. However, there is one bright light of hope shining through the terror and misery... I won't have to do those dreadful P90X workout DVD's for a few days.

Last night we did the Legs & Back DVD, as well as "Ab Ripper." Again, I almost fainted dead away. I felt totally barfy. BUT - get this - I was able to do a few of the abdominal exercises that I was not able to do last week. I must be doing something right. Anyway - I am taking a brief break from exercise until my doctor says I can do it. Then - I have really got to get serious about this shit. My reunion is in two months for God's sake. I cannot show up looking like a bloated water buffalo. And that is about what I feel like these days.

Wish me luck as I endeavor to have my proboscis probed. I will write later this week - maybe with a photo of my nose, which will be stuffed with "packing" that one person described to me as having two giant tampons up your nose. OMG - I am feeling faint again.