Monday, August 27, 2007

Feeling Blah and Not Much Like Writing

The title pretty much says it all. I have been just exhausted the past couple of days. My husband and I began doing some intense workouts last week and I must have overdone it, though it didn't feel like it at the time, because I am just dog tired. Today I feel somewhat better but my butt was dragging all weekend long.

I feel fat and gross. I had to shop for a new bra yesterday (my old ones are disintegrating more and more each day) and I was in tears TWICE. I almost wished I had never gotten these stupid breast implants. I have no idea what size bra I wear but I was not about to have some anonymous saleswoman measure my melons, tut-tutting the entire time about the fact that I have implants, oh my God. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that YES, they ARE double D's, though they don't appear to be on visual inspection. They are amazingly full - let's just say I can fill a cup with no puckers. I'm really not sorry I got the implants because it made my breasts look much better but being heavier AND having implants (and having a baby) makes them quite large and unwieldy and definitely hard to fit into anything - a bra, a bathing suit, even shirts. I can't wear anything that buttons - I am a prisoner to knits at this time. Anyway, I finally made it out of the store with a single bra - and I can tell from wearing it for a few hours that it is too big around and the little wires that come up under my arm are sticking into me. That's nice - being jabbed in the armpit all day is so pleasant.

Back to fat and gross - I am trying to remedy that. I started a modified fast this morning and will end it Friday night. Liquids only - I decided I cannot do the no caffeine thing right now. I've added back a cup or so a day and frankly, I don't think that is too bad. I just need to get back to how I felt when I finished my last fast - my thinking around food was much improved and I didn't feel like I needed to eat outrageous things or sneak cookies or anything like that. Vacation right after my last fast didn't help matters. And I meant to start a fast yesterday but was overcome by the drama of the day and the sight of iced ginger cookies in the bakery department at the grocery. When stressed, I am a food sucker for sure.

Well, alright, I wrote quite a bit. I am just feeling sad and blah - not totally sure why. Fatness may have something to do with it but I know that's not all there is to it. My husband is going to want to work out tonight. I guess I will have to since I skipped on Saturday and last night. I need to want to but I am STILL sore from my workout last Thursday. Me and pull-ups are just not right for each other. At least right now.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The Countdown Begins...

So we are back from vacation and I think my weight is still okay but I am sure I must have gained a pound or two. Oh well - I am now on my quest to look as fabulous as possible by September 15 - my 20 year class reunion. Oh shit - that is only about 3.5 weeks. Since I can't possibly lose 20 pounds, I guess my goal will just be to look and feel as great as I can. BTW - a comment asked how much weight I lost on my juice fast - I lost about 8 pounds in 10 days. The nice thing was - I felt great most of the time. I am going to do another one here shortly but probably only a 7 day. The 10 days was a stretch for me, at least right now.

Vacation was good - stressful, but good. My husband is such a stress case - honestly, we had some difficult times while we were away and much of it was due to his timetables and "plans" on how things were going to go. I was nearly driven to the brink of insanity a few times - we had "words" several times as well. Despite all of his nervous nellie tendencies, we were able to show Wyatt an amazing time - the ocean, a discovery musuem, Sonoma's Train Town, the Oakland Zoo - it was a very full vacation. And hey - he won't remember any of it! We had a lot of fun, though, just watching him have fun.

I will have to post some new photos soon. My fans have been asking for them. :-) Tonight Justin and I are starting the whole "P-90X" workout series again. Perhaps I will allow him to take some new pics of me for the website. I will try to wear something flattering and hope that my gut is not puffing out due to my womanly times. I am sure I will look lovely. We got a video camera and I have had the great pleasure of seeing my fat ass on tape. Here I think I am looking okay and then I see myself and OMG - yuck. I've got work to do. If you want motivation to lose weight, watch yourself (in an outfit that you think you look great in) on video. You will be inspired, I promise.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Feeling and Feeding - Finally!

I am eating again - the fast has ended. I actually ended up breaking the fast on Friday evening. It is difficult to explain, well, I guess it really isn't - I got angry and stressed about something and that caused me to shove a handful of cheerios into my mouth and instead of spitting them out (see Day 8 entry - how gross) I just swallowed those suckers. And then a few more.

I felt momentarily guilty but I KNEW in my heart that it was time to end the fast. I was and thinking a little crazy. In fact, I probably should have ended it when I was chewing and spitting the food, days earlier, but I pushed it another few days. In any event, I am damned proud to say that I made it 10 days and feel no worse for the wear. I am, however, glad to be back in the world of the eating. Oh and by the way for all you who may be concerned that I might have offended God by breaking the fast like that - I checked in with Him about 2 seconds after the last cheerio went in and guess what - He forgave me. I had a sense of well-being, even after the cheerio (and okay, a couple of animal crackers) frenzy that I had accomplished some of what I'd set out to do. I plan to do another fast in the near future - probably in about 2 or 3 weeks but I am only going to do it for a week this time.

It is amazing how taking your mind OFF of food can make you so much more aware of your hang ups and habits surrounding food. Or how much mindless eating we do. I am a total SNEAK eater - I try to hide what I eat from my husband and family (well, his family - my family all we do is eat and quite openly, at that).

So the other day, you know, that woman who looked at me and said "I wish I looked like that!" well, her mom, Glenda (who is my childcare provider) relayed that Stephanie (the "I wish" speaker) wanted me to help her with a diet. Stephanie just had a baby - about 8 weeks ago, I believe. She is ready to start taking the weight off - she is not planning on having any more kids. She is in her twenties and just had her third - I have great hope for Stephanie - she is so young, there is no reason she cannot get her body back. Anyway, I am working on a list of tips to get her started while I am on vacation and then I really do want to sit down with her and work out an eating and exercise plan for her (and myself, for that matter).

I don't know that I will be posting while away in California but who knows, I may have some internet access and some amazing story to tell so - stay tuned.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Day 10: The End Is In Sight...Thank God!

Today I am very hungry. The juice isn't doing much to calm the roar. Neither is the water. I am still able to focus and work but jeez, I am ready to eat something soon. I am going to hold out until Sunday evening, as planned. I know I can do it - every day I think I can't go on another day and then I do. It is amazing how that works. Thanks, God!!

Last night I was feeling pretty hungry and so I juiced a bunch of tomatoes and heated it up. I added a little spice (and some garlic salt - sorry, militant hippie juicers) and man, that was excellent. I love tomato soup in general (Campbell's with milk, of course) but this was pretty different. Anyway - I did that a week or so ago and added two little cucumbers - that was good, too. I think tonight I will drink some miso broth that I bought at the health food store last weekend. I strain it, of course, so as not to actually ingest one of those crusty little dried onion things. It is a fast from solid food, after all. Whatever. I am almost done with all this craziness.

No brilliant observations today - I am too busy at work. I am going to motor through the weekend and will post upon the breaking of the fast on Sunday night. Until then - juice on.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Day 9: Getting Pretty Hungry

The hunger is coming more consistently now. It had pretty much gone away for about a week but then decided to start coming around again. I know I can make it a few more days, though. With God's help and all. And a steel will not to indulge in the lasagna that I have to bring to church tomorrow night. Thing is, if I ate something like that right now, I would be in some serious pain. The hippies say that your digestive system is "sleeping" and has to be woken up gently.

I've decided to wake my system up a little earlier than intended. Now, it is not because I am a wimp or because God isn't helping, or that I am just starving my ass off. No - I'm trying to have some common sense. We are leaving for California on Wednesday, Aug 15. If I go off the fast on Monday night, I don't leave myself much time to "awaken" the beast and could end up having lots of issues on vacation. I am going to begin the awakening process on Sunday night - most likely with a smoothie of some sort.

I have had a few more observations. Like the fact that I can do this and feel good but if I try and just drink coffees and barely eat all day, I normally feel like crap. I haven't had a single blood sugar or hypoglycemic issue - nothing. I haven't had an ounce of protein and I don't feel like I am dying. I am still surprised by how good I actually feel. I am TIRED lately but you know - I expected to feel some fatigue. More than I am feeling, really. I will continue to juice, I think, even when I am off the fast. Why the hell not - it tastes so good. I don't know if I will go right back to caffeine, though. That is a tough addiction to break - physically - it hurt. I don't have a problem, really, with decaf. We'll see about this later when I am standing in line at Starbucks and contemplating a decaf. Hmmm.

A woman today asked me if I had lost weight and I said yes, a little. Her daughter said, "I sure wished I looked like that" - um, are you talking to ME? Wow - that made my day.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Day 8: First Bump In the Road

Well, last night I had a problem. I was thinking, oh well, I won't say anything about it, it wasn't that big a deal, etc. (total denial), I'm fine, life is great, and down down down the rabbit trail of FINE I go. I am a total ostrich about how I am really doing and always say and think that I am just FINE. Told some friends recently (other people who are also FINE) that I am going to get myself a hat that says FINE on it so I can try to fool myself even more.

Okay so this is what happened. I got home and was alone with Wyatt. First of all, I was having a big hunger attack going on. It comes and goes, according to the juicing hippies. So there I am, just walked in the door, and I realize that the owner of my house (I rent) has been in my house without my permission (he left a little note - "Thanks, Will.") I felt completely invaded and violated. Plus I have a cat and am not supposed to have a cat and now the owner knows. So I am upset about that and thinking of all the ensuing drama that will inevitably unfold.

Wyatt is being good but of course, he only wants to eat animal crackers for dinner. I decide to make him a little cheese sandwich with some hummus. I take it down to him (we were watching the Wiggles - I have no idea why my son loves them but he does) and, suprise, he doesn't want what I have made for him. Just the cookies, please. I start crying for some bizarre reason and all of a sudden, I am just gripped by the smell of the sandwich and the hummus. And I thought "F-it" and I shoved a piece of the sandwich right in my mouth.

I immediately regretted it and spit it out. But here is the gross part. After I spit it out, I was even more childishly mad that I "couldn't have" it and was feeling deprived and so I chewed and spit out about 4 more bites. How gross is that? Chew and Spit? Like the bulimics and anorectics do? WTF? I stopped myself at that point and drank a huge cup of apple/grape juice but that wild, kind of out of control feeling stayed with me for awhile. I prayed up a storm but I just had to sit in it for a few hours. I hate that.

I felt better after Justin got home and I had put Wyatt down to bed. The routine of normal things soothed my frayed nerve endings. I read about not giving up from my Christian-based fasting book and that helped. Going to sleep was probably the very best thing I did. And I feel better this morning but I have to look at that behavior and think about why I did it, if only for a moment.

I forgot that I was doing this fast for the glory of God - listening for God's will. I was more focused on my own deprivation and hunger - I was focused on the things of this world that get in the way of my relationship with God. If anything, this fast has made me realize that I don't just suffer from alcoholism - I have some crazy food issues, too. Basically, I USE food at times just like when I drink - to escape. This isn't exactly a new revelation for me but it has certainly become more clear. When I consider my behavior from last night, I also think that I could easily work myself into an eating disorder. So I need to be careful with all of this fasting business.

I refuse to beat myself up over the glitch, and that is all I am calling that little event from last night. I am not going to blow it out of proportion - yeah, so I screwed up, big deal. Move forward. It is over and I am on Day 8 of my fast and praying for further guidance from God.

Oh - and I am wearing my thin jeans today. Yay! Praise Jesus. :-)

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Day Seven: Still Feeling Pretty Damned Good

I finally did some exercise last night. Twenty-five minutes on the treadmill - not bad for a chick who is basically burning negative calories. I have more energy than I would have ever suspected that one might have on a fast. Granted, I am drinking fresh fruit and veggie juices but come on - that is not much in the way of calories, no matter how you slice it. See, I can't even keep food-isms out of my language.

Uh, I am starting to think more about food. Probably because my one of my girlfriends told me that she, too, shares a Taco Bell obsession, and that got me thinking about Nachos Bell Grande and Double-Decker Tacos with Sour Cream and Tomatoes. I don't know, though - I have become a very big Taco John's fan since moving here and seeing how absolutely gross the Taco Bell is. I mean, they don't clean anything in there. Whoa - okay, stop talking about the FOOD, already. I still have 6 days to go.

Yeah, I have decided to break the fast on the evening of Monday, August 13th. My reasoning is this - my stomach is likely going to freak when it receives some solid food. I don't want to break the fast on Tuesday and then end up with a bad stomach problem (nice way of saying diarrhea) while traveling by plane with a toddler for the first time on Wednesday morning. Let's just say I am giving myself some adjustment time before we leave for our trip. And I certainly don't plan on running out and getting Taco John's or anything - I plan to keep to a fairly natural diet for a few weeks after and then hey - I might do another fast. We'll see.

Okay, so although this is about God and all, I have to say a little bit about the weight loss. I've lost 6 pounds so far. Frankly, I thought I would lose more than that - at least a little faster in the beginning. But, 6 pounds is 6 pounds. I am thrilled to finally be in the 150's, even though it is only 159. I realize that I may gain some of the weight back when I start eating but I hope to keep the majority of it off with dietary changes and lots of exercise. It can be done. The hippies say so!!

I plan to exercise a bit tonight. I am still drinking the watermelon juice - there is so damned much of it. My husband said, "Hence the name WATER melon." Yes, thank you, dear. Now kindly shove one of those watermelon popsicles I made into your special place.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Day Six: FINE, Haven't Written DAILY

Well, man, if you'd had the weekend I'd had you wouldn't have written either. Now that I see that sentence written out, however, I am thinking, "What was so bad or busy about my weekend?" Not too much, really. I think the stress of the fast just makes everything SEEM worse.

Despite my use of the word "stress," I would have to say that not eating any solid food is NOT particularly stressful or even awful. Mostly, I just MISS it. And the weekend was especially difficult. First, I have to watch my son and husband eat and that isn't very fun, but was bearable. They both eat fairly healthy and I could just sort of look at the food and think, "hmmph."

THEN, however, came our visit to the swim park. Here, I had to watch skads of people shoveling in pizza, nachos (the kind with that awful plastic-like cheese from a can that I LOVE), giant pretzels, candy, soda, sandwiches - it was a nightmare. The only thing that kept me from reaching across the towels to strangle a nearby eleven-year-old boy who was inhaling a bag of salt & vinegar chips was the fact that the majority of the people eating the food (minus the kids - well, minus the un-fat kids) were LARGE and not looking too great in their swim apparel. I reminded myself that part of the reason for my fast was to break the stronghold that certain foods have over me (like all of that crap listed above). Yes, the fast is about growing closer to God but I am also asking for release from my self-destructive eating habits. I want to have a baby, dammit, and I want to get knocked up soon! So the overweight eaters really just inspired me to keep at it, despite my wanting to eat whatever item they happened to be indulging in.

Whoo - I digress. My mind is still pretty clear (for someone who hasn't eaten in six days) but I have these strange moments where I will be talking and all of the sudden I am conscious of the fact that a) I have been talking a LONG time; b) the person I am speaking with is beginning to look comatose and c) my breath smells like an old molding can of refried beans left in the fridge too long. (If you have smelled this particular smell before, you know what I am sayin). I have had a few "senior moments" where I've completely lost what I was saying but I don't know that that is the effect of the fast - probably more that I was distracted by the sight of Sonic's new spicy breakfast burrito on TV.

And really, I don't sit around thinking about food very much at all. I DO really enjoy coming up with new juice concoctions. Why, just today I juiced almost an entire watermelon. I just cut off the green skin (you leave the rind, which is where all of the vitamins are, according to the long-armpit-haired hippies that write these juicing books). Hippies be damned - they are so right about watermelon juice. It rocks. And you get SO much from one watermelon. My other new faves - tomato (who knew?), cantaloupe and grapes. All of it is amazing. I was not so hot on the sweet potato/apple combo. You could just taste that weird, chalky thing that you can taste when you bite a raw potato. I drank it but uh, I won't be juicing any more sweet potatoes.

I am praying and doing some reading in the evenings. When I feel insane like I can't keep doing this, I just tell myself that I can, with the strength of Jesus - and I get through another day. Truth be told, it is not that bad. I look forward to eating, of course, but I am not feeling crazy desperate or anything - YET. Just don't get near me with any sort of snack food. You might lose it, along with your arm.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Day Two of Juice Fast: Still Feeling Good

I went to bed last night pretty hungry (and mad at my husband who was being nasty for no good reason at all). I decided not to drink a bunch of juice before I went to bed as I knew that would cause me to have to get up and pee several times in the night or even worse, do that thing where you wake up, know you have to pee really bad, but try to ignore it and end up awake half the night when really, you should have just gotten your lazy ass out of bed and peed so you could sleep peacefully. I do it all the time and don't recommend it.

This morning I juiced 4 apples and two carrots - drank it down and also had a small water bottle (you know, the 16.9 oz basic). Again, a lot of pee. Then, I juiced two grapefruit and an apple for my sustenance throughout the day. I brought two travel mugs filled with my concoction. They are currently stowed away in the fridge and hopefully not "oxidizing" which is apparently a bad thing in the world of juicing. Me, I don't care so much if the juice turns brown. It still tastes good - I guess it is just not "alive" as the die hard wacko hippie juicers say. Whatever, man.

Otherwise, I feel alright. I DO have a terrible headache but I still think that is due to my caffeine withdrawals - I am on day 3 of no caffeine. Frankly, I am pretty proud of that.

I have noticed how hard it is to keep my fingers out of my mouth when I am preparing food for my son. Last night was a true exercise in watching myself and I STILL ended up sticking a refried-bean covered finger in my mouth - whoops! Habit, but wow - I never realized how much I do that. Also, the smell of food is hard on me but I just try to get away from it and think about something else. And pray. Been doing a lot of that.

Tomorrow I may have some awful news as my body enters "detoxification." The hippies say this is a bad time where you might feel awful, have headaches, nausea, backaches, etc. Sounds thrilling, doesn't it? I 'll keep everyone posted.

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

In the Beginning...There was Juice

It is Day One of my juice fast. It is noon - I feel fine. I've had two glasses of juice - made with my fabulous new Breville juicer. OMG - I love that thing. So easy to use and clean.

So this morning I just threw a pear, a nectarine, a few random pieces of apple and nectarine that I had sitting around, and maybe a carrot? I can't even remember - I was so enthralled by the Breville. Brought some of my juice in a dark, chilled thermos to work. Word to the un-wise here - don't fill the thermos to the top because the juice separates and gets all thick and weird at the top so I couldn't even shake the thermos to mix it up. Had to pour a little of bottom liquid out, shake it, then put the liquid back in. Weird. I'm sure I'll be learning a lot about juicing here over the next weeks.

I plan to break the fast on the evening of Tuesday, August 14. We are leaving for a vacation that next morning so it would be hard to fast but I am going to make all efforts to maintain a healthy diet for the majority of my vacation. BALANCE. BALANCE. BALANCE.

I drove to work without the radio or a CD this morning. I am trying to make solitude part of my fast. I mean, if I am trying to hear God, I guess I'd better turn all the noise in my life off. That probably includes keeping my own mouth shut as much as possible. And no TV - that will be hard but I almost feel relieved at not having to watch.

I have to go see the nose doctor again today for my final nose sucking. Ugh. When I write tomorrow, I will have made it through a whole day of my fast. Yay!