Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Frustrated Again But Hopeful

I STILL weigh the same I did yesterday. I have basically weighed the same since Saturday. I have no idea what is going on. I mean, I am happy, of course, that I am still the same and not gaining but hell, there is no way I could be gaining considering how well I've been eating and exercising.

Trying not to be too discouraged. My blood pressure was incredible this morning - 107/78. AMAZING, I tell you - a definite improvement. And I've lost an inch off my boobs and waist since 10 days ago. These measures tell me that I am doing well, even though the scale seems to hate me. I imagine that by tomorrow or Friday, I will notice a significant drop in weight and then it will stay the same again for days and days. This is becoming a pattern, beloved body.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

A Decision ABOUT Monumental Proportions

I've been reading a lot of other weight loss blogs - their links are at the bottom of my page. I read those and others that I find through clicking on links on other folks' pages. I really enjoy reading the main blogs and I also take the time (mostly) to read many of the comments. The last couple of days I read a lot of comments about how people tend to eat out of control, do good all day and then blow it at night, struggling with binges, etc. I've been there - all of those things happen to me repeatedly for sure. But in the last two and half-weeks, I've been stoically marching toward my weight loss goals with nary an interruption yet - other than my own bowels, who seem to be intent on clinging to every calorie or fat molecule that I attempt to expel. Damned intestines.

ANYWAY, I started wondering why things were different for me THIS time - like, why am I not falling off the diet wagon and inhaling animal crackers? Why am I not sabotaging myself as usual? I am the first to admit that I struggle mightily with food as comfort, food as drug and coping mechanism, etc., and that I fail all the time at dieting or health-improvement initiatives I kick off now and again. But for some reason, I am doing well this time and I think I know why.

I made a decision this time. I didn't just say "I'll try" or "I'll do my best." I said, "I'm going to do this, damn it, if it kills me," and "I'm not giving up - this is it." I stopped making excuses - "I'm too tired," "I have a toddler," "I work so hard all day," "I deserve a treat," and all that bullshit that we tell ourselves to get out of working out or eating well. Exercise is something that is happening 6 days a week now - and even when I start distracting myself with chores or T.V. or whatever, I still make myself go downstairs and sweat for at least 30 minutes every night (except one, which I allow myself and don't feel guilty about). I've relieved myself of making a choice - the decision has already been made. Now all I have to do is follow the rules.

The comments of all of the women that I read every day are filled with the same excuses I've always made (and will probably make again, who knows). It starts to make me sad because I know we all want to look good and feel good about ourselves but we don't make the choice to just do what it takes. Why? Do we think we don't deserve it? Do we think it won't be worth it? Do we have fears about being attractive, healthy women? Do we avoid it because we assume we will just gain it back anyway? Or are we just lazy?

Sometimes, I have to say that the last reason is the main reason - for me, anyway. And selfishness. I just don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be hungry. I don't want to be deprived. I don't want to have to miss any good T.V. Whatever. We can focus all we want on these deep, inner-soul reasons for why but in the end, I think most of my resistance is due to laziness and self-centered, childish feelings. And that sucks - because it is hard to get motivated when your inner child is screaming for cookies and a blankie so that it can cozy up on the couch to watch T.V. It is so much easier to give in to the child (my own selfish/lazy tendencies) than to say "enough of this bullshit - I am sick of being fat and unhealthy!" However, once I made the decision that I was going to do this, the child was easier to ignore.

The child is not gone, however - just in a time-out, really. I don't think our self-centered and lazy ways ever really disappear but we get better control of them when we are resolute about how we are going to deal with life. I am so glad that I've been able to be so resolute as of late. Now that I've written this, I will probably struggle mightly with my lazy inner child but that is the risk I take, I guess, for acknowledging that this can, in fact, be done - by making a simple decision. And note what I just said - simple decision. The decision is simple - the execution of your plan or resolution, well - that takes hard work and discipline.

Today I was 158.4. It's working, I tell you. And I am wearing my goal jeans from my last weight loss (when I went from 185 to 165) and they are loosening every day. Today is a good day.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Up and Down - Like My Moods...

All was great on Saturday when I woke up to find I'd lost another pound and was at 158.4. It was even fine on Sunday morning when I woke up at 158.4 (because really, how could I expect to lose weight when I ate CHEESE the night before?) But after a long and extremely stressful day yesterday during which I ate very well and even ignored a stack of potato chips, I got up this morning and weighed 159.0. WTF? Again, I am convinced it is a poop that is causing this unsettling movement in the wrong direction. SO - once I got over my childish anger, I drank down my liquid fiber and hopefully by tomorrow, I will be free of this thing that is blocking my way to a svelte and fabulous body.

Yesterday was not too fun - My husband decided we were going on a "drive" with his family. That usually entails me and his mom crammed in the backseat of our truck with my son's carseat in the middle while Justin and his Dad get to ride in the front, oblivious to our plight and randomly rolling their eyes or clucking their tongues at our occasional comments about slowing down or asking if we are "almost there." That's pretty much how it was yesterday, except my husband also had the bright idea of putting the portable DVD player on the back of the passenger seat so my son could watch the Wiggles to his heart's content. Now, it did make my son happier, but imagine having the Wiggles all up in your grill for well over 5 hours in the car. Yeah, I was not feeling to happy about that. I love his parents and do not have one of those testy relationships with my MIL, but these road trip things are going to be left to the boys in the future. I STILL have a headache. My MIL agrees that we are letting them all go next time and we will stay home. I told her I would have rather been home cleaning for God's sake. You know I am unhappy when I say something like that.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will have some better news on my weight but hey, I did wear some pants I haven't worn in eons to church yesterday. They were tight but dammit, if I can get them on, I am wearing them. Be gone, ugly Target mom jeans!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Whoo Hoo!

Well, my body finally gave in and lost a pound. I am now, officially, at 159.4. It is about damned time. I am happy - I feel much better about my progress. Isn't that kind of stupid, how big a difference one dumb pound makes? But it does - and I am like a little kid who finally got the ice cream he has been screaming for - satisified for the moment!

The weekend is upon me - I seem to struggle more on the weekends, I guess because there is more free time and more family-type stress, the kind of stress that makes me want to eat large quantities of salty foods. Hmmm - must avoid that at all costs. We are going to a Halloween party on Saturday night so I must be sure to eat a good meal before we go - and exercise.

I have been very good about the exercise. Even though I totally don't want to do it, I am doing it. And I generally have fun while dancing around, shaking my butt and giving some diva attitude (Sean T, the instructor of HHA, encourages such behavior) and before I know it, the DVD is over and I am free to go do what I want, which is usually to reward myself with some diet pudding. I am still on the food reward system but this particular treat is helping me, not hindering me! I hope to see more weight loss by Monday - I know I can do it.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Body, Get OVER It...NOW

I am officially pissed off at my body. It has been days, I tell you, DAYS - and my body still refused to drop below 160. It's 160.5, then it's 160.6 and today it was 160.4. This is getting ridiculous - I am working out every night, dieting (and actually being GOOD and not cheating) and drinking a fantastic amount of water. My reward? Nada. Okay, a little bit looser pants. BFD - I want more.

The frustration gets tough, but I have been very good about saying to myself, "just keep going - it can't hang on forever, it will eventually drop" but the childish baby part of me screams, "Damn it, I am so deprived and I get NO payoff at all - I want to eat animal crackers in massive quantities!" But I don't. It's diet pudding or diet hot chocolate - that's my treat nowadays. I have to admit - it is not that bad. I look forward to it, really.

Anyway - I continue the quest. Tomorrow is Friday - another work week completed. By next Monday it will be two weeks. I've lost approximately 6 pounds. That's not bad, I suppose. But I want to be a size 6 tomorrow, damn it.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Edging Closer

Today the scale said 160.4 - yay! I am getting so close to being in the 150's, I can almost taste it. I hope it tastes really good - and salty, because God knows I am craving the SALT. Last night I ate two green olives stuffed with jalapenos just to appease the salt urge. I actually wanted to just drink the olive juice/brine in the jar but I abstained lest I blow up into a sodium-filled blimp.

Last night's HHA was great - I am an official booty shaker. I am a little sore lately - mostly my hamstrings and abs. It feels good, though - I swear I can feel myself getting more in shape. I am not getting out of breath anymore when I climb the stairs to my office, anyway.

So not too much to report today. And isn't that a cutie picture of me and my baby? I love my boy - I have to remember that I am doing this for him, too - and the child I hope to have by late next year. I want to be an active and fit mama. And hot, too, of course.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Weekend Food Crazies

I'm back. I just can't seem to find the time to do a blog entry on the weekends. I can barely find time to even make my Lindora food plan each day on the weekend! I had a fairly uneventful weekend as far as major outings or experiences go. Costco, grocery store, Target, church, home - the usual rounds. I find, though, that it is much harder for me to stay "on plan" (as they say at Lindora) on the weekends. I just can't stop hearing those f-ing goldfish crackers calling my name from the top of the refrigerator.

I am really being shown that food is my emotional salve for the majority of feelings I have. Happy? Eat something...you deserve it. Sad? EAT...you'll feel better. STRESSED? (That's the big one for me). Eat to calm your nerves. It's unbelievable how often the thought of "food as band-aid" comes charging into my head. I have to literally make myself walk out of the kitchen. Before Justin was finished cooking dinner last night, I went upstairs and just sat in the bathroom reading a magazine. It was warm and cozy in there, plus there is no food available for me to salivate over. (It didn't really help that Justin was snacking on chips and salsa while he cooked dinner). Once I had dinner I was okay but man, that is stressful just having to figure out a way to deal with my feelings.

Also, I have seen that I am an opportunistic eater. Whenever I have the chance to shove something in my mouth without someone seeing, I pretty much take it (well, not right now - that is what I am learning NOT to do). Usually, if I am alone, I will use that opportunity to eat something, anything, without having others see me. Am I crazy? Even if I am not hungry, my mind tells me "you'd better eat that while you have the chance," as if somehow I might lose the ability to eat it later when my husband is home. It is HIDING eating. SNEAKING eating. I didn't realize how much I did that until I stopped doing it. But the urge still hits me often.

I am up and down with my enthusiasm about losing weight - I get discouraged so easily and then have to build myself back up. One thing that totally helps a shitty mood is my Hip Hop Abs. I did "Booty Shakin'" the other night and OMG, what a blast. I am so glad I ordered this collection. It makes exercise fun and makes me feel like I am a great dancer, which I am not, but it is fun to pretend to be J-Lo or Janet Jackson every once in awhile.

I was 161.0 today. My body is just not very happy to leave the 160's and is holding on for dear life. Sorry, Chubs, you're going DOWN.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

WTF?

My weight went up overnight. It is a mystery. Well, maybe not. I didn't eat very "on program" last night, I didn't drink all of my water and my workout was more abdominal exercise than aerobic. I was still incredibly bummed out when the scale said 162.2. I sat there on the toilet (not going, just pondering) bashing myself over the head and of course having these ridiculous "I should just give up" and "this is never going to work" thoughts.

WHY am I so black and white? WHY do I get so distressed by a truly minor increase in my weight? Maybe I am just retaining a little water - Maybe I am constipated (which could be true because, um, like I said, I was not going and never did, come to think of it) or MAYBE I just need to forget it and be very disciplined today about my food and water intake and just KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Eventually, the weight is coming off. And I am not stopping until it is GONE. YEAH!

There were good news things this morning, too - My brown pants fit loosely, I am still in ketosis (trace, but still it's THERE) and my skin is looking clearer. So I just need to loosen up and realize that I may not see loss every day, although sometimes I feel as if I deserve to see loss every day because I am so deprived. Whatever - God, I look at my thoughts as I write them down and I am often blown away by the shallowness of them! Oh well - there is much work to be done in this crazy-making place that is my mind.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Another Pound Down

Today started well - I lost another pound. I am at 161.8 today and feeling good. I fit comfortably into a pair of pants that I was not so comfortable in a few weeks ago so that was nice. I can't wait to lose more because I have a ton of clothes that are all too small for me. It will be like getting a whole new wardrobe, almost!! Justin and I have barely bought any clothes for ourselves over the past two years, other than my maternity clothes. We need new everything, especially socks and underwear. All of my outerwear, though, especially pants, will be totally taken care of.

That all I really have for today. Work is a bit stressful but I am getting through it all okay. I did HHA again last night - I still love it. It goes by so fast because you're actually doing dance routines as opposed to feeling like you are just exercising. It 's fun, even if the ditzy asian chick on the right annoys the living shit out of me. I try to focus on Sean T. and the tall black girl, Justis, who I adore. These are my new best friends, you know.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Hurrah For Water Weight!

I was so totally stoked (I am so 80's - who says 'stoked' anymore?) this morning when I got on the scale and it said 162.8. I mean, I'm sure it helps that I started my period yesterday morning (read: felt and weighed in like a bloated corpse) so now that I am, ahem, flowing freely, I believe that my water is disappearing. Of course, I am drinking enough water to supply a small African village and peeing it out on a constant 20 minute cycle but hey - I never really understood the whole "drink more water, lose more water" thing, anyway. Perhaps I should move my office into the bathroom for the next ten weeks and just use the toilet as my chair. I can just see my clients coming in - Jill will tell them, "Yes, Ms. Breck will see you - if you'll just step across the hall into the loo, that would be great."

So I did my "Hip Hop Abs" last night - Total Cardio something or other. I got like 6 or 7 workouts in my package deal - maybe more, I'm not even sure. Anyway, I loved it. I've never done a DVD workout (or any workout, for that matter) where I was smiling and laughing the whole time. Now, I was smiling and laughing because it was fun but it was also funny trying to do all of these crazy hip hop street dancer moves. I thoroughly enjoyed it though and as Sean T told me, I am going to be very cute in no time. Sean T. is the instructor of HHA and he is pretty charming - much more appealing to me than Billy Blanks, who always scared me with that lazy eye and his U.S. Male-style man-o-tards. Even if Sean T. were a freak, I am still actually looking forward to doing my workout tonight - that is unbelievable in and of itself.

Must work now. Must concentrate - do not eat the carmels in the candy dish. Do not eat the carmels in the candy dish. Do not think about pop-tarts or cinnamon bears or animal cookies. Enjoy peach mango powder protein drink. Mmm, mmm, good.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Back From the Almost Two Month Eating Party

Well, I had to come back eventually. I mean, what can a girl do when she runs out of pants to wear? It hasn't been that bad, really - I have just been obsessed with a multitude of different things as of late (food and excessive snacking included) and have been absolutely horrible about my blogging obligations. So sue me.

Without any further adieu (or bullshit), I am here to say that I have gone back on my diet of diets, my fail safe, Lindora. You can read all about it at lindora.com. I am not going into long-winded explanation except to say that I know this diet WORKS if I follow it and don't allow myself to be influenced the the evil pull of emotional eating. It is very simple diet and I know exactly how to do it so - I have no real excuses this time. The first time I did Lindora I lost about 40 pounds, but gained it back very quickly. Stress eating is no way to follow up a rapid weight loss, okay? The next time I did it, I had just had Wyatt and I lost about 20 pounds, which I have since kept off. I am now bouncing back and forth between 160 and 165, a place that my body seems immensely comfortable. I just can't stay here anymore.

I look around and I see so many moms who have just let themselves go. But I also see some moms who look fabulous, and it is not because they have trainers and cooks or incredibly high metabolisms or just happen to have gotten that "skinny" gene we all wish we had (well, maybe ONE of my girlfriends qualifies there). They look good because they work at it. They don't sit on the couch stuffing animal crackers in their mouths. They don't eat mountains of pasta and then complain that they are too tired to work out. They don't try to find every excuse in the book to avoid sweating. They eat well and they exercise. No matter what. I don't harbor ill feelings toward moms who look good - they deserve it because they DO it. It doesn't just happen to them.

So clearly my goal is to be one of these moms. I want to be a hot mama. Actually, what I really want is to be comfortable in my skin, which I am currently not and have not been for a long time. Thirty pounds is all that stands between me and hot mom status. Then, I am going to get pregnant and have to lose it all again but starting 45 pounds lighter than I did last time will definitely help me get back in shape faster. Yay - of course I feel cheerful today - I just started. There will be bummer days I am sure but I am committing to do this. What is ten weeks, anyway? If I am not happy at the end I can always go back to being a slovenly fat ass.

Oooh and BTW - I got Hip Hop Abs - it's a DVD workout series, for those who are not in the know. I can't wait to try it. Of course I am trying it tonight for the first time. It looks fun and like the time will go by quickly. I will post tomorrow and give a full report.