I've been reading a lot of other weight loss blogs - their links are at the bottom of my page. I read those and others that I find through clicking on links on other folks' pages. I really enjoy reading the main blogs and I also take the time (mostly) to read many of the comments. The last couple of days I read a lot of comments about how people tend to eat out of control, do good all day and then blow it at night, struggling with binges, etc. I've been there - all of those things happen to me repeatedly for sure. But in the last two and half-weeks, I've been stoically marching toward my weight loss goals with nary an interruption yet - other than my own bowels, who seem to be intent on clinging to every calorie or fat molecule that I attempt to expel. Damned intestines.
ANYWAY, I started wondering why things were different for me THIS time - like, why am I not falling off the diet wagon and inhaling animal crackers? Why am I not sabotaging myself as usual? I am the first to admit that I struggle mightily with food as comfort, food as drug and coping mechanism, etc., and that I fail all the time at dieting or health-improvement initiatives I kick off now and again. But for some reason, I am doing well this time and I think I know why.
I made a decision this time. I didn't just say "I'll try" or "I'll do my best." I said, "I'm going to do this, damn it, if it kills me," and "I'm not giving up - this is it." I stopped making excuses - "I'm too tired," "I have a toddler," "I work so hard all day," "I deserve a treat," and all that bullshit that we tell ourselves to get out of working out or eating well. Exercise is something that is happening 6 days a week now - and even when I start distracting myself with chores or T.V. or whatever, I still make myself go downstairs and sweat for at least 30 minutes every night (except one, which I allow myself and don't feel guilty about). I've relieved myself of making a choice - the decision has already been made. Now all I have to do is follow the rules.
The comments of all of the women that I read every day are filled with the same excuses I've always made (and will probably make again, who knows). It starts to make me sad because I know we all want to look good and feel good about ourselves but we don't make the choice to just do what it takes. Why? Do we think we don't deserve it? Do we think it won't be worth it? Do we have fears about being attractive, healthy women? Do we avoid it because we assume we will just gain it back anyway? Or are we just lazy?
Sometimes, I have to say that the last reason is the main reason - for me, anyway. And selfishness. I just don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be hungry. I don't want to be deprived. I don't want to have to miss any good T.V. Whatever. We can focus all we want on these deep, inner-soul reasons for why but in the end, I think most of my resistance is due to laziness and self-centered, childish feelings. And that sucks - because it is hard to get motivated when your inner child is screaming for cookies and a blankie so that it can cozy up on the couch to watch T.V. It is so much easier to give in to the child (my own selfish/lazy tendencies) than to say "enough of this bullshit - I am sick of being fat and unhealthy!" However, once I made the decision that I was going to do this, the child was easier to ignore.
The child is not gone, however - just in a time-out, really. I don't think our self-centered and lazy ways ever really disappear but we get better control of them when we are resolute about how we are going to deal with life. I am so glad that I've been able to be so resolute as of late. Now that I've written this, I will probably struggle mightly with my lazy inner child but that is the risk I take, I guess, for acknowledging that this can, in fact, be done - by making a simple decision. And note what I just said - simple decision. The decision is simple - the execution of your plan or resolution, well - that takes hard work and discipline.
Today I was 158.4. It's working, I tell you. And I am wearing my goal jeans from my last weight loss (when I went from 185 to 165) and they are loosening every day. Today is a good day.