Thursday, November 29, 2007

Feeling Grabby

I've been neglectful of my blogging duties the past several days. Well, actually, I think it's been a whole week. Wow - It started with Thanksgiving Day and just sort of unrolled from there. I ate a TON on Thanksgiving Day and then struggled to get back on plan for several days afterward. I went from 152.0 on Thanksgiving morning to 156.4 the next morning and then slowly dipped back down to 150.8 by this Tuesday morning. How's that for some water weight? It just goes to show that when you indulge, your weight will soar temporarily but ultimately, if you keep exercising and get back to healthy eating, it will return to its original place or, as in my case, continue to go down. I still struggled mightily, though, to get myself back on track food-wise.

And today, I am still struggling. Last night I had a bit of a food freak-out. I have discovered that the absolutely WORST time for me, stress-eating wise, is the time between 5PM and 7PM. I am rushing home from work, picking up my son, arriving home and trying to feed myself and the kid, waiting on my husband to get home, worrying about when I will get to work out - the list goes on. By the time Wyatt is put down to bed at around 7:30PM, I am just starting to feel some relief. I know it is a tough time for me and it doesn't help that we have a bunch of crap food left over from the weekend - chips, pretzels, and these really nasty pink sugar cookies that I kept thinking would be marvelous with chocolate ice cream stuffed between two of them... (Note to self - rid house of all ice cream NOW).

So this morning I weighed 151.6. Big deal - I will take care of it in a few days time and will be in the 140's - a weight decade that I have not seen in at least 3 years. But I am still worried for myself - I don't like my frame of mind. I am letting stress get to me - making me feel the need to reach out and stuff myself with food. Last night, I obsessively looked through one of my favorite books called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp because there was a sentence or paragraph in there that explained exactly how I am feeling right now. After about an hour, I found it - Knapp called this feeling "grabbiness" - A desperate feeling of needing mixed with the fear of not getting enough. Seeking something external to fix something internal. Well, she says it much more eloquently, of course, but that word "grabbiness" had come into my head and I could not stop thinking about it. I feel WANT.

I have a lot of fear right now about money and security. I have MOUNTAINS of student debt (both my husband and I, actually) and a gigantic payment is coming due in December that we have never had to deal with before. I am fretting, worrying and stressing about this thing and it makes me crazy. What it really makes me want to do is eat pizza or the absolute worst thing in the world that I could do - drink. I know neither of these options is going to help matters but man, sometimes it just helps to be numb, if only for a little while. I have to just keep in mind that numbing myself (not to mention sabotaging and abusing myself) is not the answer. I just have to keep moving forward, praying for God's guidance and asking that the desperate, grabby feeling of fear be removed from me. I have to trust that God will take care of us.

1 comment:

amma15 said...

I must say I'm totally loving your blog!

You KNOW that the pizza and the alcohol are just going to numb and you're going to feel WORSE afterwards, you know that!

Don't let your "issues" intimidate you, there's always a solution!