Monday, December 17, 2007

Home Pressure Cooker is ON

I just can't seem to get myself fully back on the diet and exercise bandwagon. Blah! I've been remiss but instead of just lamenting about it here I will just say that I am going to focus over the next two weeks on exercising every day, making healthy food choices and drinking all of my water. COULD I get crazy disciplined and try to lose a few while I am in California visiting family? Yes, I know I could. Do I want that pressure on top of the insanity of dealing with my husband while traveling (a condition, really - HWT is not pretty), my mom and dad, and my screaming, kicking toddler who shouts "NO MAMA" 5o times a day? Not really, but thanks.

My guiding principles for the next two weeks are just going to be encouraging and healthy. No stress, no pressure, at least from myself. It is hard, because my husband has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. See, I am holding around 150 and have been for around 4 weeks now and so he is preoccupied with my body, my diet and those last 15 pounds that I haven't lost yet. Never mind that I used to weight 200 pounds - no, the important thing is that I lose the last 15 on his timetable. I get so annoyed. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband and most of the time he is just very supportive and helpful and doesn't give me overt pressure about losing weight but recently, he has stepped it up. I know why - he is afraid that I am going to stop here and not lose the rest of the weight. He is afraid that he is always going to have a fat wife. I can't believe I just typed that - I am NOT fat. I wear a size 10 right now. But I am just not where HE wants me to be right this moment.

The bottom line is that I am not even going to contemplate getting pregnant again until I do lose the last 15 so really, he could just rest easy. And I plan start trying to get pregnant in March so - do the math, dude. I can lose 15 pounds pretty quickly when I set my mind to it but having someone pressure me doesn't help AT ALL. It just makes me angry and rebellious and not like I am doing something good for myself. When he pressures me, I just want to cram handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever into my mouth and glare at him with defiance - "Just you TRY to keep the fat from growing now, jerk!!" As if that would really solve anything - but you know, sometimes it DOES make me feel better to eat something when I feel pressured and THAT is the danger of the pressure, unfortunately.

If I were to tell him all of this, he would think that I was just looking for an excuse to pig out or not work toward my goals. Sometimes I think that my husband thinks I am just a lazy cow. That I have no discipline and that I can't control myself. Maybe it is my fault that he has that perception - after all, I have not been a beacon of self-control in the past. But it hurts my feelings when he exerts the pressure - I feel like he doesn't believe me when I say that I am committed but that I just need a bit of a break. We are winding up for this trip to California, getting ready to leave on Wednesday and I am excited but at the same time I am dreading the trip - all of it. The travel, the food, the people, the interaction with my husband and child. I feel overwhelmed and like I can't handle it. God I wish I had a giant bottle of Xanax, but it would probably just make me hungry.

Will post again before we go and will definitely post while I am in Cali - try to keep the sanity, even if just a little shred.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Importance of Liking What You Do

I have been giving a lot of thought to my profession lately. I spent all of last week either preparing for or conducting depositions in a case I am handling for two clients who were fired from a hospital. By Friday afternoon, I was so DONE. And I had a lot of time this weekend to think about what the hell I am doing with my life. I am just not very sure that I LIKE being a lawyer - still, after all of these years. Of course, I spent several years doing HR but the past two and a half years have been pretty much lawyer-focused and I just don't know if I want to continue down this path for the next 20 years. Call me crazy, but I think it is very important for a person to take pleasure or at least pride in what they do. I think it is important to LIKE what you do. And lately, I just don't like the lawyer thing.

I would prefer to have more free time - free time to spend with my son, free time to spend cleaning my house or doing laundry or whatever it is I want to focus on. More free time to write, be it on this blog or in my journals or wherever. I would also like to make more money - don't laugh. Despite the belief that all lawyers make loads of money, I am here to tell you that they don't - especially lawyers who live in Montana and have gigantic student loan payments. I make a dismal salary in comparison to the salaries I used to pull in Oregon or California. Am I happier here? Yes. Is my time more flexible? Yes. But do I experience any more satisfaction from my work? No - not really. Some might say that I am being unrealistic in my expectations - I should be happy to have the education I have, I have the potential to make the big bucks, blah blah blah. The bottom line is that I don't WANT to spend the rest of my life slaving away to make money by solving other people's problems. I desire something creative, fulfilling and inspirational. And if I could make enough money to earn a living doing it, that would be great, too.

So I am assessing my options, but discreetly. I don't want anyone thinking that I am ready to jump ship immediately. I am willing to continue practicing law for several years but just don't want to do it forever. I need to have another option, another dream, if you will, out there on the horizon. As I explore these options, I will share about them here. Sometimes just writing stuff down helps me to realize my own wants and needs - it makes things more concrete and REAL. I just need to start focusing on this issue now - I can't wait any more. I'm OLD, for God's sake - and not getting any younger! I will be 40 in 2 years (well, really, 1.5 years, but I like to think of that as 2 years) and can't keep stalling and just hanging in, hoping for something to change. I need to change, is the bottom line. Hmph - food for thought, in any event.

In weight loss news, I am extremely close to dropping into the 140's - a whole new weight decade. YAY!!! I was reading backwards through my older posts and happened upon this one (http://starkravingflab.blogspot.com/2007/04/flabbster-at-law-flabby-esquire.html) discussing my Trying On of the Pants Ritual, also known as my "fashion show." Wow - reading through that helped me really see how far I have come - I have moved through most of the pants listed in the first wave and have moved into (and almost out of) a number of the pants listed in second wave, such as the hot Nordstrom khakis - almost too big now! Not quite to the black Ann Kleins but hey - I've got 15 to go still.

And last but not least, I weighed in this morning at 150.4. I hope tomorrow will show me 149 point something - anything!

Monday, December 10, 2007

Surfacing

I have been gone for too long - really. Caught up in life, work, and personal drama. It is like coming up from the depths of some really deep water - I feel like I am just under the surface, pushing toward the daylight, moving up slowly, slowly. Well, without going into a long and sordid account of the past, what, TEN or TWELVE days, let me just say that I am back, returning to feeling somewhat normal, and ready to continue my weight loss.

I weighed in this morning at 150.8. I am amazed that with all of the crap I pulled in the past two weeks or so that my weight is anywhere near 150 pounds but alas, it IS. I'm telling you - it's the exercise. I also found that despite some poor choices around food, I still made some very good choices (sandwich without cheese or mayo, 80+ oz of water a day, only eating when hungry) and I am sure that had something to do with the minimized damage. It gives me hope that once I lose the rest of the weight (only 15 to go, I can't believe it), I will actually be able to STAY there and continue to maintain a mostly healthy lifestyle.

Thanks to the folks who have been dropping by and leaving comments. Isn't it funny how seeing that someone else is reading your shit actually makes you want to do good? It is like having a little rah-rah injection when I see that someone actually took a moment to give me a comment. So thanks - I drop by a lot of other blogs and try to comment on them (perhaps comment too much on some of them!!). I find that it really helps me stay connected, although I have been BAD BAD the past few weeks about doing anything on the internet, other than blazing through my inbox when I got five minutes. So the gist of this highly random paragraph was just to say thank you and I appreciate your kind words, all of ya.

We are leaving for vacation next week - or should I say, we are leaving to stay with my parents next week for the Christmas holiday. It is rare that I feel I am on "vacation" when at my parents house because the stress quotient is so high. And it isn't always my parents causing the problem - my husband becomes the main source of stress for me. I just need to chill - see, I am already worried about it and it is still over a week away. My goal will be to try and be calm and not eat everything that is not nailed down. No - my goal will be to just relax and maintain. I am trying to drop 1 or 2 pounds before we go and then want to make sure I exercise each day that I am home. At least I can bring the Hip Hop Abs along - yay! I am sure my 72 year old Dad is going to love listening to Shaun T tell us all to "smack dat." Better yet, I am sure my Dad will try to DO the smack dat. He is such an overachiever, he is.

I hope we all have a great week - viva la weight loss!!