Monday, December 17, 2007

Home Pressure Cooker is ON

I just can't seem to get myself fully back on the diet and exercise bandwagon. Blah! I've been remiss but instead of just lamenting about it here I will just say that I am going to focus over the next two weeks on exercising every day, making healthy food choices and drinking all of my water. COULD I get crazy disciplined and try to lose a few while I am in California visiting family? Yes, I know I could. Do I want that pressure on top of the insanity of dealing with my husband while traveling (a condition, really - HWT is not pretty), my mom and dad, and my screaming, kicking toddler who shouts "NO MAMA" 5o times a day? Not really, but thanks.

My guiding principles for the next two weeks are just going to be encouraging and healthy. No stress, no pressure, at least from myself. It is hard, because my husband has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. See, I am holding around 150 and have been for around 4 weeks now and so he is preoccupied with my body, my diet and those last 15 pounds that I haven't lost yet. Never mind that I used to weight 200 pounds - no, the important thing is that I lose the last 15 on his timetable. I get so annoyed. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband and most of the time he is just very supportive and helpful and doesn't give me overt pressure about losing weight but recently, he has stepped it up. I know why - he is afraid that I am going to stop here and not lose the rest of the weight. He is afraid that he is always going to have a fat wife. I can't believe I just typed that - I am NOT fat. I wear a size 10 right now. But I am just not where HE wants me to be right this moment.

The bottom line is that I am not even going to contemplate getting pregnant again until I do lose the last 15 so really, he could just rest easy. And I plan start trying to get pregnant in March so - do the math, dude. I can lose 15 pounds pretty quickly when I set my mind to it but having someone pressure me doesn't help AT ALL. It just makes me angry and rebellious and not like I am doing something good for myself. When he pressures me, I just want to cram handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever into my mouth and glare at him with defiance - "Just you TRY to keep the fat from growing now, jerk!!" As if that would really solve anything - but you know, sometimes it DOES make me feel better to eat something when I feel pressured and THAT is the danger of the pressure, unfortunately.

If I were to tell him all of this, he would think that I was just looking for an excuse to pig out or not work toward my goals. Sometimes I think that my husband thinks I am just a lazy cow. That I have no discipline and that I can't control myself. Maybe it is my fault that he has that perception - after all, I have not been a beacon of self-control in the past. But it hurts my feelings when he exerts the pressure - I feel like he doesn't believe me when I say that I am committed but that I just need a bit of a break. We are winding up for this trip to California, getting ready to leave on Wednesday and I am excited but at the same time I am dreading the trip - all of it. The travel, the food, the people, the interaction with my husband and child. I feel overwhelmed and like I can't handle it. God I wish I had a giant bottle of Xanax, but it would probably just make me hungry.

Will post again before we go and will definitely post while I am in Cali - try to keep the sanity, even if just a little shred.

16 comments:

parker said...

Hi Stephanie - I love you. From Parker

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