I have been giving a lot of thought to my profession lately. I spent all of last week either preparing for or conducting depositions in a case I am handling for two clients who were fired from a hospital. By Friday afternoon, I was so DONE. And I had a lot of time this weekend to think about what the hell I am doing with my life. I am just not very sure that I LIKE being a lawyer - still, after all of these years. Of course, I spent several years doing HR but the past two and a half years have been pretty much lawyer-focused and I just don't know if I want to continue down this path for the next 20 years. Call me crazy, but I think it is very important for a person to take pleasure or at least pride in what they do. I think it is important to LIKE what you do. And lately, I just don't like the lawyer thing.
I would prefer to have more free time - free time to spend with my son, free time to spend cleaning my house or doing laundry or whatever it is I want to focus on. More free time to write, be it on this blog or in my journals or wherever. I would also like to make more money - don't laugh. Despite the belief that all lawyers make loads of money, I am here to tell you that they don't - especially lawyers who live in Montana and have gigantic student loan payments. I make a dismal salary in comparison to the salaries I used to pull in Oregon or California. Am I happier here? Yes. Is my time more flexible? Yes. But do I experience any more satisfaction from my work? No - not really. Some might say that I am being unrealistic in my expectations - I should be happy to have the education I have, I have the potential to make the big bucks, blah blah blah. The bottom line is that I don't WANT to spend the rest of my life slaving away to make money by solving other people's problems. I desire something creative, fulfilling and inspirational. And if I could make enough money to earn a living doing it, that would be great, too.
So I am assessing my options, but discreetly. I don't want anyone thinking that I am ready to jump ship immediately. I am willing to continue practicing law for several years but just don't want to do it forever. I need to have another option, another dream, if you will, out there on the horizon. As I explore these options, I will share about them here. Sometimes just writing stuff down helps me to realize my own wants and needs - it makes things more concrete and REAL. I just need to start focusing on this issue now - I can't wait any more. I'm OLD, for God's sake - and not getting any younger! I will be 40 in 2 years (well, really, 1.5 years, but I like to think of that as 2 years) and can't keep stalling and just hanging in, hoping for something to change. I need to change, is the bottom line. Hmph - food for thought, in any event.
In weight loss news, I am extremely close to dropping into the 140's - a whole new weight decade. YAY!!! I was reading backwards through my older posts and happened upon this one (http://starkravingflab.blogspot.com/2007/04/flabbster-at-law-flabby-esquire.html) discussing my Trying On of the Pants Ritual, also known as my "fashion show." Wow - reading through that helped me really see how far I have come - I have moved through most of the pants listed in the first wave and have moved into (and almost out of) a number of the pants listed in second wave, such as the hot Nordstrom khakis - almost too big now! Not quite to the black Ann Kleins but hey - I've got 15 to go still.
And last but not least, I weighed in this morning at 150.4. I hope tomorrow will show me 149 point something - anything!