Tuesday, December 16, 2008

HYC Check In - Plugging Along

It's been a long while since I've done an entry. I get so caught up in my life stuff. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing of any use. Just vegging out, feeling sorry for myself, unfocused. Gaining weight. Bleh.

One good thing I've done for myself in the past week - I joined Curves, and I really enjoy it. I also recently signed up for Weight Watchers again - this time I just did the online thing. I am trying to get my head back on straight. Things are just really stressful right now and I am not making very good choices about taking care of myself.

I hope everyone is doing good out there - I guess the HYC Challenge is almost over, isn't it? Hmmm. I am heavier now than I was when I started. Not so healthy me. Oh well - the new year is coming! I really hope to have another baby this next year. 2009 is going to be a big one, I can tell - lots of challenges and dramas but hopefully, lots of good stuff, too.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

HYC Check In - Hanging In There

Hey all - It's been a crazy week. I've dealt with a puking toddler, a husband with what appears to be a freaking flesh-eating mange of some kind, my own puking sickness - what a mess. And to top it all off, my son woke me at 2AM this morning "mama, mama" and I discovered that he had thrown up all over in his crib. He has been barfing like this on and off for a week now, but has no fever and no other malaise at all. The kid is FINE, except when his "baby" hurts. (My sister-in-law's pregnancy got Wyatt started calling his tummy his "baby" so now he tells me that his baby has an owie).

I just have to say, though, that last night, in the midst of my bleary-eyed vomit-scraping and wiping duties, I fell in love with my son again, like I do over and over. You know, motherhood can be such a struggle - you love them so much, but then they swat you in the face or throw food across the room or just act like a crazy banshee at Costco while waiting in the line at the pharamacy and you want to THROTTLE them. You actually feel pissed off at them, as if they are intentionally being bratty to ruin your day (how mature we are...sigh). When you put them down to bed at night, you sometimes breath a gigantic sigh of relief because whew! what a relief to be done with all drama. But then, so quickly it seems, those feelings of anger or frustration are replaced by love - such an intense love, I can hardly stand it and just want to eat him up, he is so cute.

Last night I had taken all of his clothes off and had him laying on the little couch in his room, naked and tucked under a towel and I sat down next to him. I stroked his face and hair and he just looked up at me with the sweetest, most adorable look in his eyes and I could really see his neediness, his dependence, on me, his mother. He looked at me as if I was a superhero, a superhero that he thought the world of. It was only for a few seconds, that moment, but it just burned that image into my mind.

Later, after I cleaned up all the barf and yuck, I set up camp on the floor next to his crib (yes, we are almost to converting the crib to a bed, any day now as he is almost 3) and he reached through the bars for my hand and said, "I wuh you, Mama." Could you just melt? I didn't care that I had just spent the last hour picking up partially-digested green beans and gummi bears. I didn't care that I was laying on our itchy carpet with an old comforter partially over me and totally uncomfortable. Nothing mattered except making sure that my son was comfortable and that he knew that I loved him more than anything else in the world. And this morning, when he woke up and saw me sleeping there, he said, "Mama? Mama?" I said "Yes" and he said, "I wuh you, Mama." It reassured me and made me believe that the actions I take when he is upset or sick or having a hard time are making an impact and that he feels the love. Sometimes, being a mom is just GRAND.

As for my weight, well - I'm hanging in. Not really dieting, per se, but at least not on full tilt feeding frenzy. Have compiled a list of all of my favorite foods and am currently calculating calories and points for all of them so that when I do begin in earnest, I can eat what I LIKE. Strangely, I had never really taken the time to actually document what I like to eat. You'll be amazed how a lot of healthy things end up on that list! Hope everyone has a great week.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Not So Healthy You - Oh Well...

I've been not so great this past week. I think I gained, like - at least 5 pounds. Haven't weighed. My husband has been away and of course that means I can EAT whatever I want so uh, I HAVE. I am crazy. Oh well - not beating myself up about it. Forget it. Just get back on the horse, damn it.

I am considering re-joining WW. Am going to look for a meeting that is in the same town I work in. Hope everyone is doing great. I am very excited that my sister-in-law just had a baby - did an entry on my other blog, Breck Family Circus, with pictures. We are so happy for her.

Also, I JUST got a new writing gig for a website called http://www.undercoverlawyer.com. I have an "undercover" name, too. All you have to do to figure out my secret name is determine what name you would call someone if you couldn't remember that their actual name was Stephanie. Seriously, people have called me by this name for AGES. It never fails when they can't remember my real name. Anyway, I am excited to have this writing opportunity. My first article is entitled "Avoiding the Axe, Part 1." All of my articles will be aimed at employees and different workplace situations. If it is helpful for anyone, FABULOUS.

Have a good week. My husband comes home tomorrow, thank God. Must stop the eating frenzy.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Stop the Insanity!! (Isn't that a Diet, too?)

I've hit a wall of sorts, it seems. In my quest to lose this last bit of weight, I have allowed myself to become, shall we say, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OVERWHELMED by the absolute glut of diet and exercise information floating around the Internet and elsewhere. I am so confused at this point that I have reached the critical and dangerous state of analysis paralysis. Bottom line, I don't have a clue what to do anymore.

How to eat, how to EAT, for GOD's SAKE?? Do I go low carb? Low fat? Restrict calories? Count points? Combine certain foods? Do a liquid diet? Eat only grapefruits and tabasco sauce? Or was it oranges and maple syrup? Sugar Busters? Low Glycemic? Protein Power? South Beach? Atkins? Jenny? Nutrisystem? Medifast? And then, do I take supplements? Vitamins? Diet pills? Fat melters? Carb blockers? Hoodia? (That word always seems a little dirty to me, as in "keep your hands off my hoodia, bro" or something to that effect). Do I go vegetarian? How about the caveman diet? What about a lacto-ovo vegetarian? Or a vegan? Or (this was a new one for me) a "flexitarian"? (I guess this is someone who eats fish and chicken but still considers themselves to be a member of the vegetarian group - yeah, I don't get it, either). I mean, how does one decide how to eat amidst so many competing theories and lifestyles and, let's face it, DIETS? I can't do it - I am at a loss.

And then what about exercise? Do I do an hour of cardio at medium intensity? Do I do bursts of high intensity work with little bouts of rest in between? Do I jog? Power walk or just regular walk? Lift weights? Do pushups? Do sit ups? Crunches? Taebo? The Firm? Turbo Jam? Hip Hop Abs? P-90 X? Jillian Michaels? Reebok Step? (Who remembers THAT bad ass video with the high stepping aerobic goddesses wearing feathers and puka shells?) Walk Away the Pounds? Richard Simmons? Debbie Siebers? The Ab Blaster? Treadmill or stairmaster? Elliptical or ski machine? Get a trainer or do it myself? Go to the gym or do it at home? ARGH!

My brain has simply reached bursting point - I am SICK of all the f-ing options. Everytime I think, "okay, I think I've found something that will work for me," I get started for a bit, then I read something about how THIS is the way to do it, THIS is the way to eat and I change things up, only to get derailed again in a few weeks by MORE information.

So with all of this complaining, you probably think I don't have a solution. Well, I have some idea of a possible solution. I am going to start at square one, I think, and ask myself - What do I LIKE to eat? What do I LIKE to do for exercise? (Sitting on couch and lifting chips to mouth does not count here). My intentions for this week include making a list of the foods that I really enjoy - and it will include "good" and "bad" foods, but without those labels. I will also make a list of the exercise stuff I enjoy doing. You know, I've found that there actually ARE exercise things I like doing - that's pretty amazing for a lazy chick like me who got F's in P.E. One of my favorite things lately is jumping rope - who knew?

In any event, this is where I am this week. I don't know what I weigh and frankly, I am not worried about it right now. I am going to try to simply make good food choices this week based on the things I like and follow suit with the exercise. It's an experiment for me, and requires that I let go of the outcome. I will report on my findings.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

A New Method? Not Really...

I reached an unacceptable weight this past week (and the pants were just, uh, a little too tight) and decided, "whoa, enough is enough." I decided to try and go back to what worked for me many years ago - a modified low carb. Basically, no sugar, no bread, and no pasta or rice. For a long while. So far, I've lost 3 pounds and feel pretty good. Am exercising (trying to do more interval training instead of long-winded aerobic marathons) and drinking my water. So it's all good right now. I am pretty pressed for time today and so I just wanted to be sure and update this damned blog so nobody is worried or sending me "what's wrong?" emails...(although I love the idea that people out there in cyberworld really care about me!) The other day I wrote a comment so long on someone else's blog I wished I had written it here as an entry. Perhaps another day...Today, I've got to jam. Have a good week, all!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Pressured to Produce...And it Worked

Well, I am sitting here and it is damned late and I was just screwing off on the Internet and HAPPENED to look at my blog and I saw that someone added a comment on my last entry and I see it is MIZFIT who is all, like - "SO?" As in, where is that entry you promised to do...ahem? Thanks, chick...I really was planning to just pack it in and call it a night. My kid is in bed (FINALLY), my husband went out to drink beer with his brother (THANK GOD) and I am sitting here on the couch with the main menu of SpongeBob Squarepants' "Bikini Bottom Adventures" playing over and over and over as I peruse the Internet for some form of entertainment. All's I gotta say is...You Tube is completely overrated, although I am fond of the Ghetto Gumby clip that I have watched repetitively and memorized lines from.

I had a long day. I had a settlement conference with a client - it settled, but it sucked, as far as I'm concerned. And it's not about money, it's about assholes. But I digress...I had an okay week, not so great on the exercise front and I probably ate more than my fair share of everything. My husband and I are driving to Butte, MT tomorrow night to go to the State Bar Convention (yes, it sounds incredibly boring) so I won't really be able to exercise much and I am sure he will be trying to do that special form of "exercise" that all husbands seem to want to do whenever they get near a hotel room, sans child. Mmm hmmm - can't wait for that. I am just feeling a bit blah this week..,. sorry. Good thing I will see the headshrinker tomorrow morning, though I guess I will just be faking my way through that shit, just like I do most things. Eeeew, get off the pity pot, NOW. I command me.

So yesterday on Mizfit's website she talked about the abundance diet concept - you know, if you fill your cupboards with all of your forbidden foods, you will eventually tire of them and relax about it and stop obsessing - I am sure I'm not explaining it nearly as good as her so maybe you should just go to her site. I have no f-ing idea how to do a little "click here" link thing so, uh - good luck finding her. Go into my comments on my last entry and click on her name - how's that for guidance? I never said I was an Internet genius, okay? ANYWAY - it got me to thinkin' about that concept and how if I stocked my cabinets with, say, pop tarts and chocolate chip cookies and whole milk and frozen pizzas and Coke Classic and God only knows what else I would come up with, would I REALLY just eat that for weeks on end or would I eventually return to eating more healthful things? And THAT got me to thinkin' about why I overeat, how I overeat and why I feel there are forbidden foods in the first place.

I'm an emotional eater. When I am pissed off, I will eat AT something - usually my husband, who is generally always "concerned" for me and my extra 20 pounds. (Never mind the f-ing fact that I've LOST over 50). If I am upset or angry about something, stressed out, tired - whatEVER - I will eat in response. Another bad habit - if there is something "bad" in the house and I have the opportunity (read - he is not there or not watching) I will eat it just...because I have that opportunity. How stupid is that?

But if I actually filled the pantry with stuff I love, would I just blow up like a giant, used-car lot balloon? I don't know, really. It is scary to even contemplate. The thing is, though, even if there is fairly healthy stuff, like decent cereal and skim milk, for example - I will still intentionally overeat that stuff when I am upset. So - I don't know that it really matters WHAT is in the cupboards. It is more like what is in my HEAD. Although I must say that there are currently two Hershey Bars in my pantry and there used to be four - things like that tend to call my name louder than oatmeal or hummus, you know?

I don't know if that was much use to anyone but I wanted to muse about it a bit and so...there you go. Okay, everyone have a good week and I will try to be nicer to myself. And not eat too much crap at the Bar Convention, though I doubt there will be much good shit there. I will try not to die of boredom, surrounded by my endlessly fascinating colleagues. Wish me luck. I may be so bored I do another blog entry. How novel.

Monday, September 8, 2008

HYC Check In - Am Fine...Still Flabby

Hello, fellow blogsters - let's give a big warm welcome back to ME!!!! And thanks to those of you who have expressed concern as to my brief hiatus from blogging - well, I guess it was more like two months. That's not so brief, now, is it? Well, shit, I've just been BUSY. Busy overeating, busy not working out, busy wasting time - you know, THAT kind of busy. The kind of busy when one just doesn't really feel like doing a lot of self-examination and reflection - the DENIAL kind of busy. The busy that you just keep buzzing away at until one day you pull on your jeans and you realize that your ass has expanded so much that you can't walk comfortably, seeings as the seam of your jeans is digging into your unmentionables.

Yeah, so - anyway, that's where I am at. And not very happy about it but hey - I'm back and at least thinking about taking better care of myself again so... that's progress in my book. Last night I even washed my face. So there - total self-improvement is just inches beyond my grasp, I can tell.

As described above, my pants are tight, which means I've definitely put a few pounds on the old keester. I've not been wanting to wear my fancy jeans (translation: jeans I would have never paid that much money for but since they were a gift from my parents I am fine wearing them) because I get that dreaded sausage-like overhang at the hip (also known as "muffin top" or "bra sausage" when found on the upper body) and feel like I have to wear extremely long shirts to keep those fleshy ledges under wraps. I used to complain about the long length of tee shirts lately but this past weekend I found myself admiring the long tops at Target and appreciating their fat-covering qualities. I knew it then - I was expanding and compensating for it, rather than saying "WTF! Drop the fork!"

I probably weigh about 153, I would venture to guess. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and confirm the awful truth. Actually, you know, it's not awful - it just is what it is. At least it's not 200 - that is a number I NEVER want to see again, and I am nowhere near it so - phew! Sometimes I think about all of the weight I've lost and I think, "Jeez, it used to be 70 to lose - now I have only 20 to lose - I know I can do it, as I've already done it twice plus 10 so - what's the damned problem?" Commitment. Dedication. Not being a lazy ass or making excuses to eat crap I shouldn't. I am under no illusions. This is my deal - nobody else's. I just need to decide and do it.

Okay, so - Hope everyone has a great week and I promise to be back here next week. I will drink my water and eat my protein and uh, NOT eat crap. Oh - and I will exercise at least 3 times. Sometimes making those mini-goals are all I can manage. Like I said, it's all progress in the right direction - self-care. I'm not very good at that, but I am glad that I can see it now, and acknowledge it, and try to do better.

Alright - I am going to wash my face now. Two days in a row...it's almost a habit.

Monday, June 30, 2008

HYC Check-In / The WHY of Emotional Eating - Do We Really HAVE to Know?

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and the comments of other readers often, usually on a daily basis. There is a recurrent issue that I see pop up and it has recently begun to bug me - like, make me want to write long comments and risk the wrath of other commenters who think I am being mean and awful and uncaring. Well, damn it, this is MY blog and I am just going to say this stuff because it helps ME - if you don't like what I say, well - it's been nice having you visit.

So here's the issue... Why, if we are here to help each other, do I read so many comments that actually ENABLE destructive eating and inaction toward reaching goals? For example - One blogger that I read often is really having a struggle with "getting back on track." She is intentionally overeating and is gaining back her weight - slowly, but it's happening. She continues to spiral, though she claims to remain positive in the face of her own ruthless self-sabotage. The comments are positive, of course - supportive and loving, to some degree. But nobody says what needs to be said. Instead, people suggest that she should take time to find out WHY she is doing this to herself. Strip your soul bare, figure out what makes you want to overeat, analyze your feelings and somehow, that is going to make this woman completely change her life patterns and stop trashing herself. My question is, does it really matter WHY she is doing it? To me, the answer is to STOP doing it, not become stagnant as you wallow around in the mire of feelings and emotions. Those nasty things will adhere to your ankles and keep pulling you under until you just give up the fight. Taking a stand against yourself is a lot harder than simply giving in and letting the waves of self-pity and doubt drown you.

Now before you start calling me a big ol' bitch, just consider this - Sometimes we really NEED someone to say "Snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself." And sometimes, that someone HAS to be us - because nobody else is going to give us the cold, hard truth - at least not in your blog comments. A really good friend MIGHT do it but even then... usually not. I believe that we don't give that cold truth to people because we don't want to hear it ourselves. We want life to be nice and simple and wow, if only I find out WHY I make such screwed up decisions by reading the right book or getting the right therapist or joining the right group or finding the right religious belief THEN I will have the answer and all will suddenly be RIGHT. I will be FIXED. And then life will be PERFECT. It's just another pipe dream, though - just because you find out WHY you act a certain way is not going to stop you from acting that way.

I know this from experience because I am an alcoholic and have been living with this internal fight for a very long time. WHY I drink or WHY I am an alcoholic, while important, is not what keeps me from drinking. I've known why I am an alcoholic for many, many years but that did not stop me from nearly destroying my entire life and the lives of others around me. I have to actively make choices to take care of myself every single day and that requires work - it requires accountability, responsibility, and discipline. Because I tell you, if I just sat around wondering why I was a lush all the time (and I did, for YEARS) I would just keep getting drunk. Thinking too much is what keeps alcoholics drinking - at least this alcoholic. I KNOW that I drink because of things that happened to me in the past but I can't dwell on those things if I am going to live a good life. I acknowledge those things but I don't waste time hanging out with them. Action (and a lot of prayer) is how I get out of myself and my feelings. Feelings are not facts - that has been a hard lesson for me and one that I have to keep re-digesting.

For me, the weight loss process is very similar to my alcoholism because I am an emotional eater. I eat to escape my feelings, just like I drink to escape feelings. I don't see the two being very different, at least for me. So when I see people advising others to sit and ponder their weight problem or why they are sabotaging themselves or whatever, I just get the urge to scream "Stop now, before your life passes you by!" Don't think about it too long or before you know it, you will be 40, 50, 60, 70, whatever and the best years of your life will have been spent on examining the WHY, without taking action toward the WHY NOT. Don't stagnate - don't be caught in analysis paralysis. Take ACTION. And you just might find, as I have, that a lot of the WHY is actually discovered during action.

Have a great week, everyone.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

HYC Check In: Can't Complain!

Well, I'm sure I could come up with something to complain about but my title has to do with the fact that I am just not feeling very disgruntled or unhappy right now - what a shocker! I saw my headshrinker this morning and he said that I appeared to be doing very good. Well hey - thanks! I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I am being good to myself, eating all kinds of fruits and vegetables and working out to Turbo Jam into the wee hours of the night. Last night it was 9:30PM and all I wanted to do was drag my ass into bed but NO - instead, I dragged my ass downstairs and did 43 minutes of high-intensity cardio. THEN I had a WW ice cream and went to bed. Now that is the way to end a day.

I had lost 2 pounds when I weighed in on Saturday, so I am at 148, officially. I'm trying not to weigh in at all on my own scale and just stick to what I see at WW. I find that I am incredibly disciplined during the week with food and exercise but then, well - Saturday and Sunday get a little hairy and I have not TRACKED during those days for the last two weeks. Still, I've lost 3.2 since getting back to business at WW so - just think of what I could do if I actually kept track of stuff on the weekends! Perhaps that will be a goal this weekend - or perhaps not. Today I am not feeling especially pressured to lose it fast - tomorrow I could feel totally different!

I think we have finally found a new house to rent, as the one that we are currently living in is being sold. We were going to buy but I tell you those lenders are tight as HELL right now and we couldn't get approved for what we want so - we are just going to rent again. Nice thing is, we found a gorgeous, brand new house for rent so - that's fine with me! I really don't mind renting, despite all of the hype about home ownership being the shit and all. I've owned two homes and neither one of them really did me any good! We will buy eventually but for now... it's rent city. And in keeping with my current laid back attitude, that's cool... But this all means I will be having to pack up all my crap within the next month. Ugh.

Hope everyone is doing great at HYC!

Monday, June 9, 2008

HYC Check In - It's All Good

My test results came back okay - well, I mean, okay as in - I'm not dying of cancer! Apparently it was a good thing that they did this particular type of biopsy because there was some moderate to severe dysplasia that was traveling up my cervix toward the uterus but the biopsy was significant enough to remove it all. There are a few other bits I could share but eew, gross - let's just say I am good for now. I will have another pap in 4 months and see what's up. If the dysplasia cells are not back, I will be in the clear to begin trying to conceive again. Yay! Now I can just concentrate on shrinking my butt instead.

Went to WW on Saturday - lost 1.2 so not too bad but I think it should have been more. That's just my personal thought and all - I don't care what my body thinks, that is what I, my BRAIN, thinks. I have been working my buns off to the Turbo Jam DVDs. Man, that Punch, Kick and Jam one is a KILLER - I mean, I am absolutely dripping the sweat - and I am in pretty good shape! Anyone who says Turbo Jam "didn't work" wasn't doing something right!

I have been perusing the WW chat boards lately and I am always amazed to see some of the comments. Recently someone asked for some DVD recommendations and of course, I recommended Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam because both have given me great results. I checked back later to see what other folks had said and at least two people said that Hip Hop Abs "didn't work" for them. One of the women actually said that she'd done it "twice" and it didn't help her abs so she wasn't using it and wouldn't recommend it. OMG, people - it is not an INSTANT life change these videos offer - you actually have to use them consistently for WEEKS and MONTHS to see positive, long term results. It just cracks me up how we are often seeking such instant gratification or satisfaction from things - myself included much of the time! I want to take a pill or read a book and be instantly changed forever for the good - I am looking for the SECRET, you know? But hey - I found out that there is no secret, at least to losing weight. Eat less, move more - that's how it works. Simple, but very difficult at the same time.

Anyway - enough from me. My HYC Check in is EARLY. I can't believe it. Hope everyone is doing great.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

HYC Check In - Doing Okay Today

Well, the surgery went fine. And frankly, it was no big deal. I really have not had any significant pain (tylenol and/or ibuprofen took care of it) and I was out shopping for clothes with my mom the very next day.

I am still waiting to hear if the pathology people Found Anything. It has been 5 business days, guys - Hell-O! Part of me is absolutely certain they are going to tell me everything is fine, come back for another lovely pap smear in 3 months, blah blah blah. Another part of me is certain that I will hear I have cancer and have to have an immediate hysterectomy and chemo. There is no middle ground in my mind! However, I will try to contain my morbid thoughts until I hear the official word which should be any time now. I have a follow up appointment scheduled for next Wednesday so perhaps they are waiting to spread the joy until next week? Hmmm...

In other news, I am "back in the saddle" on the weight loss front. I am back to 148, after a brief visit to 152. Am working out like a mad woman and tracking my WW points religiously. My goal (yes, I have actually set a goal this time - like ON PAPER, even) is to be at goal by July 12. That is six weeks - I know I can do it. I am tired of messing around. PLUS - now that I've had this surgery, I can't get pregnant for at least 4 months, possibly more, so why not use that time to get in the best shape of my life? My husband is talking about going on an amazing vacation to the British Virgin Islands in October so I would like to look amazing for that little event. I've got the time here to do it so - I just need to get off my ass and do it.

Will keep all posted on the cervical drama and my weekly WW weigh in on Saturday. I go at the ungodly hour of 7:30AM on Saturdays - not because it fits my schedule best or is convenient or any of that - I want to be able to weigh right as I get out of bed and before I take in a drop of liquid. I don't know how people can STAND to weigh in in the evening! It would drive me nuts. Anyway - that's what's going on for me today. Living one day at a time....

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

HYC Check In / Trying to Be SANE Today

Turns out I am having my little womanly surgery next Wednesday, May 28. Eeeew! I am not looking forward to it at all but a part of me is relieved to be having it done sooner rather than later. I am wavering between sadness and fear - back and forth, back and forth. Of course I am scared that they might find something awful in there but even more, I am afraid that having the surgery itself may make having another baby a problem.

I've done a lot of reading about these cone biopsies and have certainly read plenty of positive outcomes for people so - I am just focusing on living one day at a time instead of catastrophizing everything and in my mind. If I let myself, I can work myself up into a full-fledged scenario of me, in a hospital bed, fading off into death at a mere 39 years old...I know, I can't keep being so negative but hey, you know what? That shit happens. Until I receive the news after the surgery, however, I will do my best to maintain a postive attitude. Screw you, you nasty little abnormal dysplasia cell a-holes. Go away - we don't need you here!

On the health front... I've gained a few pounds. The jeans are feeling a mite bit tight today... It's only about 3 or 4 pounds but still - I'm disappointed. Of course, I knew I would gain weight because HELLO - I'm doing plenty of emotional eating - but it still sucks to see those numbers on the scale. What I NEED to do is to just make sure I am exercising - I've had a bad attitude about that lately, too. If only I could take care of myself the way that I try to take care of others. I would be so healthy and in fantastic shape!

Signing off now - my husband has some special thing planned for us tonight and will be here any time now. We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are doing it tonight, instead. Of course, I am hoping it is an amazing meal of some kind!! Some things never change.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The News...Not So Great

I talked to my GYN this morning - I have to have the cone biopsy AND and D & C. SHIT! I am not happy about this at all, naturally. And it's not really the surgery or even the possibility of having cancer that bugs me - it's more the fact that this might just interfere with my ability to have another child. All this lollygagging around, "waiting" to lose weight - I surely hope I have not lost my chance to have another child.

Okay, so WHOA - we aren't really there yet, are we? I haven't been told I have cancer or that I have to have a hysterectomy or anything. They just want a piece of my cervix and the chance to scrape it out a little. Gross - glad I will be asleep for all of this cutting and scraping business. Anyway - just thought I should write about it instead of just sitting here crying intermittently about it. Bottom line is that I would gladly have all of the womanly parts removed if it meant being alive for my son in the future. So there. The surgery will be in about 4 to 6 weeks. I'm sure I will have plenty to say about it over the next several weeks.

HYC Check-In / Stress Central

I am feeling quite stressed out this week. Tons of work to do, a hearing next week, finding out about financing on our "almost" new house, finding out if I have to have another nasty GYN procedure - so much fun stuff, I can just hardly stand it. Oh, and my son fell and smashed his nose on our deck so I am also stressing about his potential broken nose and how he is going to look like some crooked-faced boxer for the rest of his life. Right now the skin around his eyes is turning a lovely shade of purply-red-black and he has a gigantic scab on the bridge of his nose. He is so brave, though - he just points to his nose and says stoically - "Owie, Mama, owie." I, on the other hand, am filled with a general sense of fear and dread most hours of the day lately.

I am trying to stay positive and trying to make a few positive choices for myself - for example, today I am making a conscious effort to drink all of my water. And I plan to take a walk/run later this afternoon, provided that the weather holds. It has been raining quite a bit lately but at least it has stopped snowing, for crying out loud! I don't think the weather here realizes that it is ALMOST SUMMER - hello?!! Shorts? Tank tops? Flip-flops? I tried to buck the system the other day and defiantly wore my flip flops - a real mistake when it is 32 degrees outside. I found out quickly that socks and close-toed shoes are a much better choice for spring in Siberia (I mean, Montana).

My health is, according to the recent stats taken at the GYN, pretty damned good, other than my apparently abnormal cervix cells. My BP is fantastic still and my weight is, well - one hell of a lot better than it was two years ago!! It is amazing to think that I weighed 200 pounds when I started this whole weight loss journey. Do I still have some to lose - yeah, but it still feels really good when a nurse or doctor looks at my chart and says "Wow, you've really lost a lot of weight!"

I have a weight loss pattern. I tend to lose some and then stagnate for awhile. My mental state is usually this - I am happy that I've lost (say, for example, 20 pounds) and then stay at that weight for awhile, feeling good about the accomplishment. I am thinking - damn, I look good. Then, inevitably, I start to feel unhappy with where I am - not satisfied, not finished with the journey. So I lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then - the stagnation kicks in again - I feel good, look better, etc., and then the cycle begins again. So right now, I am at my last point of stagnation - I can really only lose about 10 or 15 more - that would put me right in the healthy and fabulous zone. I am just waiting for Motivation to get here - I wish she would hurry up - I am getting sick of waiting for her ass.

I am not feeling especially bad right now about my weight, though. I am just taking some time to simply exist and get through the next couple of months, which are bound to be stressful. I can just hang out here at this weight for another summer (which wouldn't be the end of the world) or I can take some immediate action and drop the last 10 or so - having such a focus right now might actually help the stress and obsessing about things I cannot control. So I will just consider these options and report back later. Also, when I hear from the GYN (which should be today) I will update with my prognosis. I am hopeful that my cervix will turn out to be perfectly average and normal. For once, I prefer to just be an average chick.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Still Alive, Still Flabby!

Well, I thought it might be time to do a blog entry since I haven't done one in about SIX WEEKS. What a bum - Actually, I have just been pretty overwhelmed with work and other drama - trying to buy a house, a lovely colposcopy and biopsy at the GYN, eating too many chocolate covered graham crackers, trying to console my seemingly constant-tantruming son - that kind of shit. And well, I just haven't been very good about taking care of ME lately.

It started with slacking off my daily water intake. Then I started letting in a few extra points here and there. Then I stopped tracking my food on WW.com. Then I stopped exercising consistently. Then I started getting depressed and nasty. Funny how that downward spiral can really gain momentum if you let it. In any event, I am on the upswing, although I did not drink my bottle of water this morning. Must do that right away.

So I had to go for this awful procedure with the GYN and should be finding out the results here fairly soon. I am hopeful that it is good news - cuz if it is not, I am going to be freaking OUT. I do not want to proceed to the next most awful-sounding procedure - the dreaded CONE biopsy, where they take a big old chunk from your cervix while you are blissfully under anesthesia. Can you say GROSS, PAINFUL and SCARY, all at once? Man, I would really be pissed off it it ultimately turned out that I had cancer. Chances are very slim but you just never know.

In baby-making news, we did not "get pregnant" last month and now I am thinking that is a good thing since I am having these cervical issues. Once I find out I am okay (see, I am being positive) we will proceed! My periods have been irregular lately, though, complicating a seemingly simple procedure! In fact, I am suffering a nasty period today - being a woman is just so much FUN! Oh well - enough about my vagina, already.

My weight today was 146. I have maintained pretty well through my LAPSE of commitment but I need to get my ass motivated and drop this last 10. And I want to give a shout out to all my girls at HYC who came by and left me comments over the past few weeks - thanks for the support!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

HYC Check in / More Baby Talk

Still talking about the baby issue but now I've got some happy news. Talked with the husband again about it - we have decided to go ahead and start trying. So I've been waiting patiently for my period since last Tuesday but alas - there is no period.

This is very weird because my period has been like clockwork for the last few years. I have already taken a pregnancy test (okay, two) and I am not pregnant so what gives? Of course, I automatically begin thinking that I must have cancer or something - that, or I am beginning the "change" and now I won't be able to have anymore babies. Whatever - maybe I am just incredibly STRESSED OUT. It wouldn't be the first time that my period has stayed away on account of life drama.

So while I wait for the flow, I am going to keep busy losing this last 10. That was part of the deal with the husband - must stay on task while "trying" so that when I find out I am knocked up, I will be fabulously svelte and ready to gain it all back. Not really - I hope not to gain more than 40, which is about what I gained last time (but I STARTED at 180 - that was no good). Also, in other news that doesn't revolve around the size of my ass, my blood pressure is consistently excellent again. That is a big deal, because the BP is what caused me to have to have my son 4 weeks early so I hope to also keep the BP reasonable during any further pregnancies.

As for the weight loss, well - I've been hanging out here at 145. Didn't gain, didn't lose - just hanging. I do a lot exercise so I guess I make up for some of my eating indiscretions but it totally sucks to do that much hard exercise and not really see any result - other than a static number. OH well - I guess it aint going up, and that is good news. So that is all I really have to say today - going to make good choices for the remainder of this week and I am committing to GOING to Weight Watchers because I have skipped the meeting for the last two weeks. How high school - I didn't want to go and see a gain. Okay, so - Go Stephanie! You can do it! I am usually rooting for others so I thought perhaps today I would root for myself. Rah rah!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

HYC Check-In / Weight-ing For Baby

This week has been, uhhhh, okay, I guess. Last week was a bust for weight loss. On Thursday morning I weighed 143.2 - I was amazed - but then Friday morning and Saturday morning weighed 144.8 - WTF? I ate within my points and exercised my ASS off and for what? So on Saturday I totally did not want to go to WW because I knew I would record a slight gain - which I did, only .2, but STILL. And I just kept obsessing about it all day on Saturday, pissed off and glum that I did not lose anything.

Which brings me to today - I went to see my headshrinker and spilled some stuff to him that I had been keeping back, which felt good. He asked about my goals for pregnancy (because we had been discussing that a few months back) and I told him that I was waiting until I lost some more weight before we started trying. He, like most people, said that I didn't need to lose any weight and that I looked fine. Of course, the guy doesn't see me naked, but at the same time, something clicked in my head. I DO look fine - I am HEALTHY. So why AM I feeling so compelled to get to this particular goal of 135? I'm about 145 - what's wrong with that? Whenever I try to explain it, I feel like an idiot.

It is just the goal I set for myself - it is not an unrealistic goal, at least, I don't think it is. I am 5' 5 inches tall and 38 years old. 135 is a healthy weight for my build, which is "medium" (though I am convinced that my wrists are quite delicate and indicate my body's yearning to be in the "small" frame category). I have weighed 135 in the past - well, it's been quite awhile, really. I weighed 135 for a MINUTE back in 2004 and then promptly ate the 40 pounds I had just lost (in 9 weeks) back onto my body. Then I got pregnant at 180 - then I gave birth at 220 and now, two years later, I am at 145. And wondering two things....

1) Why the goal of 135? and
2) Why, if I want another baby so badly, haven't I done what it takes to lose the rest?

The shrink pointed out that perhaps I am not mentally ready to have another child and I have to agree that this is a high possibility - I've been dragging my feet on the weight loss for a long time, despite my professed desire to have a second child. The goal weight is very close now yet I am in no rush to get there and in fact, have been sabotaging myself for months. I get a little progress, then I back-pedal. Get closer, stop. Get closer, stop again. And I am not really frustrated with myself - I know I can lose it when I decide to finish the job but I still like to think about the WHY part - what is going on in my subconcious? I have no answer today - just musing here - but it is food for thought.

As for the goal itself, well - I am forced to admit that my husband is a big part of what is pushing me toward it. Not in a mean way but in a way that says, "Stephanie, you won't be satisfied if you don't finish the job. I know you - you will be happier if you meet your goal of 135." But I can't help feel sometimes like he is holding some carrot in the air (or maybe a piece of pizza, which is much more desireable to me) saying "I won't give you the pizza until you fit this mold!" and the pizza, is, of course, a BABY. He is withholding my "prize," in essence, until I hit this magic number. Then, of course, I will have permission to gain weight but until then, the game if off. It bothers me, despite the fact that it is all for a good cause (a healthy pregnancy). There is no guarantee that I will immediately become pregnant upon hitting 135. I am filled with "what if's" and hopeful that I will not be saying "if only" at some later date.

Whoa - that's a lot of babble but it's important for me to talk about, write out, whatever. When you put words down in some written form, it gives life and a sense of reality to whatever it is you're feeling and writing about. This struggle is very real for me and for some reason the visit with the shrink made me really think about the WHY of the goal. It doesn't mean that I am going to change everything or anything, for that matter, but at least I am getting closer to knowing just a little bit more about myself and the things that drive me.

As a final note, I must confess that I ate two donuts today and I am not even mad at myself about it. Sometimes a maple bar is just called for. Thank God for Turbo Jam.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

E. E. E. E. - Early Evening Eating Episode

I'm going through my day, making good choices about food, drinking my water, planning a workout, etc. I get off work, go pick up the kid, drive home and unload from the vehicle. I walk inside, see that the dog has ripped into a bunch of diet powder packets that I stupidly left in a large baggie that he could access and I begin to stress. I'm hollering, shoving the bad, bad beast out the door, ripping the vacuum cleaner from the closet and sighing dramatically as my son stands near the powder explosion on the carpet, pointing and repeating "Ba Ha! Ba Ha!" (That's "Bad Hoss! Bad Hoss!" for those not familiar with two-year-old speak).

So I get it all hoovered up and turn to tending to my Wyatt, who then starts clamoring for "ju eye" and "coo coos." I get his juice with ice and his cookies (which is really Oatmeal Squares Cereal, goldfish crackers - anything that I stick in his snacking container, really) and turn on Sponge Bob Squarepants, because I know that the next words out of his wee maw will be "Ba Bob, Mama." I take a deep breath and throw myself onto the couch, trying to plan what it is I am going to eat for dinner. And suddenly, I am looking at that container of coo coos and thinking, "damn, that cereal looks good."

I start with a few squares - "Oh, what is a point or two, really?" Then I move on to more squares, which I measure out in a 1/2 cup dose, minus the few I ate so that I know for sure I've eaten 2 points worth. Still trying to plot my dinner, I figure out that I will make an english muffin pizza and go downstairs to hang with Wyatt until Justin gets home. And for whatever reason, I just start eating more and more cereal. Then a few chips with hummus. Then some more cereal, then a few goldfish until suddenly I am in full-on snacking mode and just going for it. Ultimately, I ended up just eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, enough to fill me up so that I did not want anything else to eat. But I was so mad at myself for the transgression of the snack attack and for going over my points that I did not do the exercise I had planned to do. I was too "depressed." Whatever, Stephanie!

I am WELL AWARE that this time period, say, from 5:45 to 7:00-ish, is by far the hardest time for me to avoid overeating. I am usually hungry, tired and tense from working all day and then wrangling with my son while we wait for Daddy to get home. It is a STRESS eating event, for sure. Even if I am not hungry, I WANT to eat. And its not like I want to eat garbage foods, necessarily - I just want to eat whatever is available, which is usually cereal, whole-grain chips, hummus, dried apricots, etc. But no matter the quality of the food, it can still cause weight problems when eaten in excess. It occurred to me last night and again, this morning, that I really need to make some sort of plan for myself so that I don't continue to sabotage my weight loss efforts.

Today, I made a point of eating less points for breakfast and my morning snack. I am going to try and move some of my points down into the day so that I CAN eat a snack when I get home and not go over points. It's that deprivation mindset that washes over me like a tidal wave at times... Being on WW has really helped with that but still - it comes back now and again. The baby in me screams "WHY can't I eat 3 cups of cereal? WHY?" And then I have to remind myself - "Oh yeah - I have 9 more pounds to lose... plus, if I eat like that often, I will gain back the weight I've already lost..." It is a battle - not so constant anymore, but still I am forced to fight at least a few times per week.

I have to keep my goal in mind and I have to keep my core reason for getting to that goal crystal clear in my mind - I want to have another baby - SOON. And I want to have a healthy pregnancy this time - I don't want to feel like an over-inflated zepplin who can barely reach her ass when she has to wipe it. I want to feel healthy and happy - because it is likely going to be my last pregnancy and I really want to enjoy it.

So - I am committing to sticking to my points today and also, to do my workout tonight. I get so tired sometimes and that is such an easy excuse for not wanting to workout - for example, tonight I won't even get a chance to workout until at least 9PM. But - I've got to do it and I will do it because it is a decision I've made to be healthy. A DECISION, not an attempt. There is a huge difference between the two.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Healthy You Challenge

See that big old "50" button on the right? Yep, that means I've lost 50 FRICKIN' POUNDS. Count 'em up, sucka! Dat's right! Okay - enough of that, already. So, I joined on with this group of chicks (click on 50 pound thing and you'll go there, it's true) over at scalejunkie.com or healthyyou.scalejunkie.com (or whatever it says on that damned button) so that I can be a healthier me in 2008. And judging by the entry below that I wrote earlier today, it sounds like I could use some HEALTH, already. Yes, I'm happy to be losing weight and getting a healthier body but what really needs some health is my MIND, my THOUGHTS. Anyway - this is my special introductory blog post - sorry I am not saying much but am feeling a bit spent after my efforts in the earlier post. Also, I need to stop screwing off here and get some work done.

Glad to be a part of the challenge! Thanks, scale junkie!!

Taming the Inner...ahem...Slut

I left a post on another blog at http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/the_elf_diet/ (Sorry I have no idea how to do that cute thing where you just say "here" and it takes you to the site) about "Can you be too afraid to lose weight?" I was pretty honest when I said this:

There are reasons for keeping the weight on, definitely. For me (and I speak for myself only), it shields me in some ways from my own dangerous addictions, like sex and men. When I am fat, I don't tend to have the wandering eye and the lustful thoughts - I KNOW nobody is looking. But when I am thin, I still turn heads and that attention, as good as it might feel, can be a powerful pull for me to engage in behaviors or thoughts that are ultimately destructive to me (and my family).

I am ten pounds from my goal now - the attention has officially begun. I just try to keep my mind on my relationship with God, the reasons for my weight loss (health, a new pregnancy) and realize that being fat is no protection - I have to face my sin addictions (alcohol is also one of my demons!) head on without the barriers of fat, denial and self-sabotage.

I got encouragement from others to expand on this line of thought.... as uncouth as it may be to some folks - so I shall delve just a bit deeper here. Maybe you can't relate but I know there are some out there that absolutely can.

I am an alcoholic - a label that tends to say "I can't handle the drink!" But really, the alcoholism is a mere symptom of the actual problem. When I really take a look at the vast array of "addictions" I've struggled with (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, cutting, anorexia, binge-eating... it goes on and on...) it is clear to me that the substance or behavior is not what I am addicted to - it is the self-abuse or self-destruction - the action of hurting myself, over and over.

In relation to the post above about being afraid of losing weight, I have to say that I have had many, many thoughts throughout my weight loss about how "dangerous" it is for me to be thin and attractive - that my evil-side, twin, whatever (my husband and I, in the past, have called this alter-ego "She" - you know, "She" comes out to play, wreak havoc, etc.) is more apt to be active when there are others showing interest in me on a purely physical level. I've never felt "safer" than when I was pregnant - I knew then, without a doubt, that I was safe from having to deal with any of that crap. But the baby comes out, life goes on and the weight is almost gone now. I get very scared to think that in the past two and a half years, I've put together a good life with my husband and son here in Montana - and that all of that could be affected terribly if SHE comes sniffing around again. And I can't deny that She has been knocking on the door lately, with every pound that drops. Male attention is like someone handing me a beer. I say "no thank you" but that doesn't stop me from thinking on it for awhile. And I think the thoughts are just as dangerous as the action - I know so.

And about that She girl knocking on the door - that's SATAN knocking, not some abberant piece of me - Satan, sin, temptation - choose a label. In the past several years I've come to recognize and accept that my sinful actions don't make me an evil person. I make a choice influenced by evil. The bottom line is that I know I'm a sinner and that I make bad choices when I don't rely on God for His strength. I also know that I am a good person with a good heart but when I allow sin (and I consider all of these self-abusive behavior to be a sin) to overtake me, I am without hope and my outlook on life can become very bleak, indeed.

Clearly, I have a lot to work on in my life - and I hope I don't make it sound like my life is awful. It surely is NOT - I am blessed (see post and darling photo below) and things are moving in a positive direction on a variety of fronts. But Carmen's question over at the ELFF site (you can hit the link above or over in my blog roll) really got me thinking about how my weight loss and my addictive nature are joined - and that I really DO have some reservations about being thin. However, as I said above - I've got to face this stuff head on, with God by my side.


And BTW - my weight is 145. Officially in last ten.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Moving Closer to the "Last Ten"

Today I weighed 146.4. Damn, I'm getting closer to that goal of 135! I can't believe I am almost to the "last 10 pounds." Weight Watchers is working famously - and I really like being able to eat whatever the hell I want, as long as I stay within the points. I had no idea I could eat three pieces of bread in one day (or, uh, all in one meal...) and still lose weight. Who knew?

I've also been working out a lot - consistently, which I think is the real key to continued weight loss at this point. I am breathlessly awaiting the arrival of "Turbo Jam: Maximum Results." I love Shaun T. and Hip Hop Abs but I need a slight break from all that booty shaking.

Work is crazy busy - I've had a real lesson in procrastination this past week. I need to just STOP with putting things off until the last minute. I am also about to start working one day per week for my husband's law firm, so I will be working 4 at my firm and 1 there. Things are going to get a bit stressful, I think. I just want to keep moving in a positive direction, which means taking care of myself - I think we can all agree that sometimes that is a very hard thing to do.

Well, off to the craziness of my weekend life. Wash car, cut hair, go to Costco - the usual. I love it and I love my family, even if they drive me insane half the time. I am BLESSED. Seeeee? (Don't ask about that white spot in the photo... I've just spent 20 minutes trying to fix it or erase the photo and I can't...

Monday, February 4, 2008

Back to A Bit Under...Again

I have officially arrived at 149 again - and it was 149.0, not 149.2 or 149.4, 149.0. I'm not even excited, really - just wishing it would go down further. I've been at the WW thing for a week now and it seems to be going well. Had a slight snafu when I made the WW vegetable soup and perhaps added a little too much salt - I held water like an economy-sized sponge, tipping the scale back up to 151.4 but thankfully, after two days of watching salt and sucking down massive amounts of water (including some lemon water), I'm back where I was before the soup fiasco.

The whole points concept is very thought-provoking for me - I see why it works for people. You learn to make better choices in the types of food you're eating because you realize that you can eat more of healthier foods than you can crap foods. Sure, you CAN eat pizza or cheeseburgers or whatever, if that is ALL you want to eat for the entire day. I get 22 points a day and then I can also earn extra points each day for my exercise - I love that feature.

Also, I get 35 "flex" points per week to be used any time I want - all at once on a splurge, or frittered out over the week, as I see fit. This past week, I saved them all up and then had some fun snacks at a party I went to last night. I know I didn't even eat the entire 35 but I felt in control and made choices that were less damaging, such as shrimp instead of heavily frosted chocolate cake, hummus and salsa instead of cream-based dips, etc. I did eat one small sugar cookie that was fantastic - I would have liked to have sat down and eaten, say, about 5 or 6, but I stopped at 1 and moved on. I just like the WW concept because I can eat what I want and I am in control of the choices, not the diet program.

We had a death in the family (my husband's granfather, Harry) and so tons of folks are coming into town this weekend to attend the funeral. "Bestafar" (grandpa in Norwegian?) was 97 and he is well-remembered by so many people in this town - it's amazing. I just got an email from opposing counsel in a case I am working on and he sent his condolences, telling me that he had bought his very first car from Harry when he was a young whip - so funny! Harry was a bigshot car dealer back in the day, apparently. So we wish Harry off to heaven with all of our love and are so happy that he can reconvene with his sweetheart and love of his life, Harriet, who passed away several years ago. Goodbye, Harry and enjoy the afterlife! We will be joining you soon enough.

Watching My Weight - A New Experience

So I gave into the blatant consumer-hazing message of Weight Watchers and decided to "stop dieting and start living." And you know what? I'm doin' all right with this points business.

I figured what the hell - it's the last 15 (or SO) and I've never tried it and my sister-in-law belongs and she likes it and damn, I was bored as hell with my other diet so why not? And it's cheap - and I don't have to buy any special foods. You can just shop at the regular store, buy regular food and just keep track of points. I did, however, purchase some of their little carrot cake things that are about the size of one of those pink erasers you used in grade school and must say - not bad for a two-bite, one point eraser. Next up - chocolate postage stamp cookies.

This is CRAZY, though - I weighed myself last Thursday morning - 154.4 - wow, girl. I go to WW that evening (who the hell weighs themselves in the EVENING?) and guess what, I weighed 156.4. I was feeling a little hysterical for a minute but now I am okay - after a few days I am now happily back at 149.2 and SO COOL - I can eat whatever I want. I can eat a piece of bread. I can eat a few goldfish crackers. I can have a latte. I just need to count the damned points. I love it. Deprivation, be gone with you.

Seriously - I am happy about this development. Even happier that I finally was able to wear my gorgeous new True Religion jeans and look totally fab. Will look even more fab in about 10 pounds but you know, they look good right now. And I am happy as hell about that! And finally, most happiest as hell thing I can think of to top off this happy list is that I have only consumed about 12 points today (deadline stress can kill an appetite, you know) so I have enough points to have a truly satisfying dinner. Maybe I will even have TWO erasers.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A Udder-ly Unpleasant Experience

So the other day I had my first mammogram - I doubt I even spelled that right and frankly, I don't give a rip. I was so freaked out at the prospect of having my boobs squished that I was actually tearing up on the way to the doctor's office. I had to call my MOMMIE to have her soothe my frazzled nerves and tell me that it was no big deal, especially for a girl with jugs like mine. Hmph, I thought. I am sure it will still be terribly painful and bizarre. The receptionist tried to reassure me but I didn't buy her act for a minute.

Well, the bizarre part is surely right but as for pain, well - it really was like Mom and the receptionist said, No Big Deal. The technician was a stoic, handsome woman - mostly business, little small talk. "Bend over, please" she would say and I would bend at the waist so that she could jiggle and bat my boobs around to get them into a (I guess) proper smashing position. Talk about feeling like a prized heifer! Then (this is the worst) she would have me stand up straight while still clutching my boob with two hands like she was holding a Big Mac, and lead me by the boob over to the Giant Mamo Machine for further humiliation and torture.

Once to the machine, she would deftly wrangle my unruly and uncooperative breast under a large clear plastic flattening device, lowering it until I felt like my nipples might pop off and then walking away, leaving me to the horrendously unflattering view of my flattened boob and totally, hopelessly attached to the Machine with no possible means of escape. "Don't breathe" she would say as the machine took its pictures, as if I could really be breathing while my boob is having the life squeezed out of it - Hell, I was holding my breath the whole time, hoping that my implants wouldn't explode!

Afterward, the stoic one showed me the pictures (well, I asked to see them) and I looked but of course, had no idea what I was looking at. My implants looked like two massive outdoor lightbulbs but the rest of the stuff, well - who knows - I could have been looking at rampant cancerous tumors for all I know. But of course, my natural superiority complex took over and I thought "Well, I sure don't see any cancer." In any event, my boobs looked like two ruby red grapefruits afterward as I stuffed them into my bra and headed out the door with my head down. And now I have to do this once a YEAR? Getting old sucks. What's next, hot flashes?

BTW - I went back up over 150. Oh well, that just means I can make another amazing pronouncement in a few days, right? Just for today I am eating clean, drinking my water (oops, I'd better get on that, stat) and exercising tonight. Yay!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

By God, I've DONE it!

It's official - I've broken the 140's barrier. I'm in a new weight decade, if you will, and I am so excited. This morning the scale said 149.6. So I am BARELY beyond the brink but it was mindblowingly exciting, to say the least.

That's about all I've got for today. Trying to drink all of my water and have a set goal to do my exercise tonight. Keeping in mind, of course, the whole "one day at a time" thing. Just for today, I am eating on plan and exercising - oh, and weighing 149.6!! Whoo hoo!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Starting Over, Again and Again

The starting over thing just happens over and over until you decide that you're going to JUST DO IT. I am not going to rewrite older posts of mine (where I have addressed "the decision" and "just do it") but the point is driven home each time I have to recommit to being committed. Which is like, every week. What we need to be doing, perhaps, is recommitting EVERY DAY. Just like in AA or NA or whatever 12 step program you may be familiar with, taking it "one day at a time" makes anything easier.

So just for today I will stick to my clean eating plan (Lindora being my program of choice currently) and will exercise. See, THIS I can do. Instead of seeing some long, unending stretch of deprivation and greasy sweat & grunt sessions, I can just look at today's goals. That makes it appear easier, anyway!!

Today I weigh 152.2. I've got about 17 to go until my goal of 135. It's in reach, man. And I received some new motivation the other night in a nifty brown box from Nordstrom. I received the designer jeans that my Dad bought me for Christmas. They are now altered for my height and just waiting to caress my curves. I must say, however, that I currently look a bit like a sausage in them. Total muffin-top in the back and a little bit of the mommy crepe-skin belly hangover in the front. A few weeks of cardio and clean eating will have me in these pants in no time, however.

And I'd better get a jump on it, too, because my two girlfriends came over on Saturday in their fancy jeans and I tell you, I felt like the fat girl at a school dance. Now, I am NOT saying that at 152 pounds I am hugely FAT but you know what I mean - when you're standing next to a couple people shaped like pencils, you suddenly realize that the magic-marker body you thought was pretty ok is, perhaps, in need of some work. I would settle for a crayon body, or maybe even sharpie pen. The SMALL one. Oh, I digress, yet again!

So one day at a time. Maybe I will post a picture of a pencil on the refrigerator. In designer jeans.

Friday, January 4, 2008

The Sabotage Monster

What is it about starting a new regime that makes the Sabotage Monster come out? I feel good, I start my day right (eating clean, drinking my water, etc.) and then from out of nowhere, comes this little voice that says "you could eat _____, since you're under stress. It won't really matter" or "you can eat _____ and then just don't eat dinner and that will be just fine" or some other useless statement that is basically sabotaging myself and my efforts for another day.

I don't get it. The same thing happens with regards to drinking (I am an alcoholic - in recovery, thank God). I'll just be going about my business, doing great, feeling positive and FAR from relapse and then suddenly one day, out of the blue, comes that damned voice - "you could drink today." Because of my religious beliefs, I feel that this voice is Satan, of course, trying to lure me away from a life with God, doing what I was created to do. But part of me also believes that I personally am causing some of the problem, not only because I occasionally give in but because I don't find the strength or do the footwork to STOP the voice or avert the impending disaster and as always, it IS a disaster. But there's always tomorrow, and that is what I tell myself, for the food problem and the alcohol problem. With alcohol, unfortunately, there is no guarantee of tomorrow when one considers how I drink or the choices I make.

I am fascinated by this and I see LOTS of other women (usually in posts or comments I read on other blogs) struggling with that same "I can start again tomorrow" mentality surrounding diet and healthly living. If you are starting again tomorrow, something must have caused you to say "fuck it" today - WHAT IS THAT? We are fooling ourselves - we are sabotaging our own good intentions or, if you have similar beliefs to mine, we are allowing Satan to take control without resorting to God's strength to help us through the issue. I am still contemplating this whole thing - It has been apparent to me in the past few days - the issue keeps rearing its ugly head. Any words of wisdom are of course, welcome.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Year, New Goal

Well, I am back from all of the holiday / family drama. Not going to write about any of it - screw it, it's over. The one thing I will say is that I did really good on my weight while away. Did I exercise every single day? No - but I did exercise 3 of the days I was there. Did I eat a bunch of crap? I ate some crap, but also made many very good choices. Did I drink all of my water? No - this is where I really fell down. Man it is hard to drink all of that water I am used to drinking when one is away from home. Over all, I maintained m,y damned weight - pretty much. I weighed yesterday at 152.2. Okay, so a pound-ish gain but I think that is pretty f-ing fabulous, all things considered.

Which brings me to the REAL point. It's time to start this weight loss process again. No more dawdling or f-ing off. No more excuses (really, there are NONE available now). I signed up for another 10 week online stint with Lindora - it should start tomorrow. I am eating well today and drinking my water. It's time. My goal is to be at 135 by Friday, February 15. I am going to work my ass off, basically. And I have great motivation - I want to get pregnant, of course, but also, my dad bought me a fabulous pair of designer jeans for Christmas and damn, I want to be able to wear those suckers for a little while before I get knocked up again!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year and that everyone is ready for a big, fat challenge in the New Year! Whoo Hoo!