Wednesday, January 23, 2008

A Udder-ly Unpleasant Experience

So the other day I had my first mammogram - I doubt I even spelled that right and frankly, I don't give a rip. I was so freaked out at the prospect of having my boobs squished that I was actually tearing up on the way to the doctor's office. I had to call my MOMMIE to have her soothe my frazzled nerves and tell me that it was no big deal, especially for a girl with jugs like mine. Hmph, I thought. I am sure it will still be terribly painful and bizarre. The receptionist tried to reassure me but I didn't buy her act for a minute.

Well, the bizarre part is surely right but as for pain, well - it really was like Mom and the receptionist said, No Big Deal. The technician was a stoic, handsome woman - mostly business, little small talk. "Bend over, please" she would say and I would bend at the waist so that she could jiggle and bat my boobs around to get them into a (I guess) proper smashing position. Talk about feeling like a prized heifer! Then (this is the worst) she would have me stand up straight while still clutching my boob with two hands like she was holding a Big Mac, and lead me by the boob over to the Giant Mamo Machine for further humiliation and torture.

Once to the machine, she would deftly wrangle my unruly and uncooperative breast under a large clear plastic flattening device, lowering it until I felt like my nipples might pop off and then walking away, leaving me to the horrendously unflattering view of my flattened boob and totally, hopelessly attached to the Machine with no possible means of escape. "Don't breathe" she would say as the machine took its pictures, as if I could really be breathing while my boob is having the life squeezed out of it - Hell, I was holding my breath the whole time, hoping that my implants wouldn't explode!

Afterward, the stoic one showed me the pictures (well, I asked to see them) and I looked but of course, had no idea what I was looking at. My implants looked like two massive outdoor lightbulbs but the rest of the stuff, well - who knows - I could have been looking at rampant cancerous tumors for all I know. But of course, my natural superiority complex took over and I thought "Well, I sure don't see any cancer." In any event, my boobs looked like two ruby red grapefruits afterward as I stuffed them into my bra and headed out the door with my head down. And now I have to do this once a YEAR? Getting old sucks. What's next, hot flashes?

BTW - I went back up over 150. Oh well, that just means I can make another amazing pronouncement in a few days, right? Just for today I am eating clean, drinking my water (oops, I'd better get on that, stat) and exercising tonight. Yay!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

By God, I've DONE it!

It's official - I've broken the 140's barrier. I'm in a new weight decade, if you will, and I am so excited. This morning the scale said 149.6. So I am BARELY beyond the brink but it was mindblowingly exciting, to say the least.

That's about all I've got for today. Trying to drink all of my water and have a set goal to do my exercise tonight. Keeping in mind, of course, the whole "one day at a time" thing. Just for today, I am eating on plan and exercising - oh, and weighing 149.6!! Whoo hoo!

Monday, January 14, 2008

Starting Over, Again and Again

The starting over thing just happens over and over until you decide that you're going to JUST DO IT. I am not going to rewrite older posts of mine (where I have addressed "the decision" and "just do it") but the point is driven home each time I have to recommit to being committed. Which is like, every week. What we need to be doing, perhaps, is recommitting EVERY DAY. Just like in AA or NA or whatever 12 step program you may be familiar with, taking it "one day at a time" makes anything easier.

So just for today I will stick to my clean eating plan (Lindora being my program of choice currently) and will exercise. See, THIS I can do. Instead of seeing some long, unending stretch of deprivation and greasy sweat & grunt sessions, I can just look at today's goals. That makes it appear easier, anyway!!

Today I weigh 152.2. I've got about 17 to go until my goal of 135. It's in reach, man. And I received some new motivation the other night in a nifty brown box from Nordstrom. I received the designer jeans that my Dad bought me for Christmas. They are now altered for my height and just waiting to caress my curves. I must say, however, that I currently look a bit like a sausage in them. Total muffin-top in the back and a little bit of the mommy crepe-skin belly hangover in the front. A few weeks of cardio and clean eating will have me in these pants in no time, however.

And I'd better get a jump on it, too, because my two girlfriends came over on Saturday in their fancy jeans and I tell you, I felt like the fat girl at a school dance. Now, I am NOT saying that at 152 pounds I am hugely FAT but you know what I mean - when you're standing next to a couple people shaped like pencils, you suddenly realize that the magic-marker body you thought was pretty ok is, perhaps, in need of some work. I would settle for a crayon body, or maybe even sharpie pen. The SMALL one. Oh, I digress, yet again!

So one day at a time. Maybe I will post a picture of a pencil on the refrigerator. In designer jeans.

Friday, January 4, 2008

The Sabotage Monster

What is it about starting a new regime that makes the Sabotage Monster come out? I feel good, I start my day right (eating clean, drinking my water, etc.) and then from out of nowhere, comes this little voice that says "you could eat _____, since you're under stress. It won't really matter" or "you can eat _____ and then just don't eat dinner and that will be just fine" or some other useless statement that is basically sabotaging myself and my efforts for another day.

I don't get it. The same thing happens with regards to drinking (I am an alcoholic - in recovery, thank God). I'll just be going about my business, doing great, feeling positive and FAR from relapse and then suddenly one day, out of the blue, comes that damned voice - "you could drink today." Because of my religious beliefs, I feel that this voice is Satan, of course, trying to lure me away from a life with God, doing what I was created to do. But part of me also believes that I personally am causing some of the problem, not only because I occasionally give in but because I don't find the strength or do the footwork to STOP the voice or avert the impending disaster and as always, it IS a disaster. But there's always tomorrow, and that is what I tell myself, for the food problem and the alcohol problem. With alcohol, unfortunately, there is no guarantee of tomorrow when one considers how I drink or the choices I make.

I am fascinated by this and I see LOTS of other women (usually in posts or comments I read on other blogs) struggling with that same "I can start again tomorrow" mentality surrounding diet and healthly living. If you are starting again tomorrow, something must have caused you to say "fuck it" today - WHAT IS THAT? We are fooling ourselves - we are sabotaging our own good intentions or, if you have similar beliefs to mine, we are allowing Satan to take control without resorting to God's strength to help us through the issue. I am still contemplating this whole thing - It has been apparent to me in the past few days - the issue keeps rearing its ugly head. Any words of wisdom are of course, welcome.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

New Year, New Goal

Well, I am back from all of the holiday / family drama. Not going to write about any of it - screw it, it's over. The one thing I will say is that I did really good on my weight while away. Did I exercise every single day? No - but I did exercise 3 of the days I was there. Did I eat a bunch of crap? I ate some crap, but also made many very good choices. Did I drink all of my water? No - this is where I really fell down. Man it is hard to drink all of that water I am used to drinking when one is away from home. Over all, I maintained m,y damned weight - pretty much. I weighed yesterday at 152.2. Okay, so a pound-ish gain but I think that is pretty f-ing fabulous, all things considered.

Which brings me to the REAL point. It's time to start this weight loss process again. No more dawdling or f-ing off. No more excuses (really, there are NONE available now). I signed up for another 10 week online stint with Lindora - it should start tomorrow. I am eating well today and drinking my water. It's time. My goal is to be at 135 by Friday, February 15. I am going to work my ass off, basically. And I have great motivation - I want to get pregnant, of course, but also, my dad bought me a fabulous pair of designer jeans for Christmas and damn, I want to be able to wear those suckers for a little while before I get knocked up again!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year and that everyone is ready for a big, fat challenge in the New Year! Whoo Hoo!