Thursday, February 28, 2008

Healthy You Challenge

See that big old "50" button on the right? Yep, that means I've lost 50 FRICKIN' POUNDS. Count 'em up, sucka! Dat's right! Okay - enough of that, already. So, I joined on with this group of chicks (click on 50 pound thing and you'll go there, it's true) over at scalejunkie.com or healthyyou.scalejunkie.com (or whatever it says on that damned button) so that I can be a healthier me in 2008. And judging by the entry below that I wrote earlier today, it sounds like I could use some HEALTH, already. Yes, I'm happy to be losing weight and getting a healthier body but what really needs some health is my MIND, my THOUGHTS. Anyway - this is my special introductory blog post - sorry I am not saying much but am feeling a bit spent after my efforts in the earlier post. Also, I need to stop screwing off here and get some work done.

Glad to be a part of the challenge! Thanks, scale junkie!!

Taming the Inner...ahem...Slut

I left a post on another blog at http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/the_elf_diet/ (Sorry I have no idea how to do that cute thing where you just say "here" and it takes you to the site) about "Can you be too afraid to lose weight?" I was pretty honest when I said this:

There are reasons for keeping the weight on, definitely. For me (and I speak for myself only), it shields me in some ways from my own dangerous addictions, like sex and men. When I am fat, I don't tend to have the wandering eye and the lustful thoughts - I KNOW nobody is looking. But when I am thin, I still turn heads and that attention, as good as it might feel, can be a powerful pull for me to engage in behaviors or thoughts that are ultimately destructive to me (and my family).

I am ten pounds from my goal now - the attention has officially begun. I just try to keep my mind on my relationship with God, the reasons for my weight loss (health, a new pregnancy) and realize that being fat is no protection - I have to face my sin addictions (alcohol is also one of my demons!) head on without the barriers of fat, denial and self-sabotage.

I got encouragement from others to expand on this line of thought.... as uncouth as it may be to some folks - so I shall delve just a bit deeper here. Maybe you can't relate but I know there are some out there that absolutely can.

I am an alcoholic - a label that tends to say "I can't handle the drink!" But really, the alcoholism is a mere symptom of the actual problem. When I really take a look at the vast array of "addictions" I've struggled with (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, cutting, anorexia, binge-eating... it goes on and on...) it is clear to me that the substance or behavior is not what I am addicted to - it is the self-abuse or self-destruction - the action of hurting myself, over and over.

In relation to the post above about being afraid of losing weight, I have to say that I have had many, many thoughts throughout my weight loss about how "dangerous" it is for me to be thin and attractive - that my evil-side, twin, whatever (my husband and I, in the past, have called this alter-ego "She" - you know, "She" comes out to play, wreak havoc, etc.) is more apt to be active when there are others showing interest in me on a purely physical level. I've never felt "safer" than when I was pregnant - I knew then, without a doubt, that I was safe from having to deal with any of that crap. But the baby comes out, life goes on and the weight is almost gone now. I get very scared to think that in the past two and a half years, I've put together a good life with my husband and son here in Montana - and that all of that could be affected terribly if SHE comes sniffing around again. And I can't deny that She has been knocking on the door lately, with every pound that drops. Male attention is like someone handing me a beer. I say "no thank you" but that doesn't stop me from thinking on it for awhile. And I think the thoughts are just as dangerous as the action - I know so.

And about that She girl knocking on the door - that's SATAN knocking, not some abberant piece of me - Satan, sin, temptation - choose a label. In the past several years I've come to recognize and accept that my sinful actions don't make me an evil person. I make a choice influenced by evil. The bottom line is that I know I'm a sinner and that I make bad choices when I don't rely on God for His strength. I also know that I am a good person with a good heart but when I allow sin (and I consider all of these self-abusive behavior to be a sin) to overtake me, I am without hope and my outlook on life can become very bleak, indeed.

Clearly, I have a lot to work on in my life - and I hope I don't make it sound like my life is awful. It surely is NOT - I am blessed (see post and darling photo below) and things are moving in a positive direction on a variety of fronts. But Carmen's question over at the ELFF site (you can hit the link above or over in my blog roll) really got me thinking about how my weight loss and my addictive nature are joined - and that I really DO have some reservations about being thin. However, as I said above - I've got to face this stuff head on, with God by my side.


And BTW - my weight is 145. Officially in last ten.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Moving Closer to the "Last Ten"

Today I weighed 146.4. Damn, I'm getting closer to that goal of 135! I can't believe I am almost to the "last 10 pounds." Weight Watchers is working famously - and I really like being able to eat whatever the hell I want, as long as I stay within the points. I had no idea I could eat three pieces of bread in one day (or, uh, all in one meal...) and still lose weight. Who knew?

I've also been working out a lot - consistently, which I think is the real key to continued weight loss at this point. I am breathlessly awaiting the arrival of "Turbo Jam: Maximum Results." I love Shaun T. and Hip Hop Abs but I need a slight break from all that booty shaking.

Work is crazy busy - I've had a real lesson in procrastination this past week. I need to just STOP with putting things off until the last minute. I am also about to start working one day per week for my husband's law firm, so I will be working 4 at my firm and 1 there. Things are going to get a bit stressful, I think. I just want to keep moving in a positive direction, which means taking care of myself - I think we can all agree that sometimes that is a very hard thing to do.

Well, off to the craziness of my weekend life. Wash car, cut hair, go to Costco - the usual. I love it and I love my family, even if they drive me insane half the time. I am BLESSED. Seeeee? (Don't ask about that white spot in the photo... I've just spent 20 minutes trying to fix it or erase the photo and I can't...

Monday, February 4, 2008

Back to A Bit Under...Again

I have officially arrived at 149 again - and it was 149.0, not 149.2 or 149.4, 149.0. I'm not even excited, really - just wishing it would go down further. I've been at the WW thing for a week now and it seems to be going well. Had a slight snafu when I made the WW vegetable soup and perhaps added a little too much salt - I held water like an economy-sized sponge, tipping the scale back up to 151.4 but thankfully, after two days of watching salt and sucking down massive amounts of water (including some lemon water), I'm back where I was before the soup fiasco.

The whole points concept is very thought-provoking for me - I see why it works for people. You learn to make better choices in the types of food you're eating because you realize that you can eat more of healthier foods than you can crap foods. Sure, you CAN eat pizza or cheeseburgers or whatever, if that is ALL you want to eat for the entire day. I get 22 points a day and then I can also earn extra points each day for my exercise - I love that feature.

Also, I get 35 "flex" points per week to be used any time I want - all at once on a splurge, or frittered out over the week, as I see fit. This past week, I saved them all up and then had some fun snacks at a party I went to last night. I know I didn't even eat the entire 35 but I felt in control and made choices that were less damaging, such as shrimp instead of heavily frosted chocolate cake, hummus and salsa instead of cream-based dips, etc. I did eat one small sugar cookie that was fantastic - I would have liked to have sat down and eaten, say, about 5 or 6, but I stopped at 1 and moved on. I just like the WW concept because I can eat what I want and I am in control of the choices, not the diet program.

We had a death in the family (my husband's granfather, Harry) and so tons of folks are coming into town this weekend to attend the funeral. "Bestafar" (grandpa in Norwegian?) was 97 and he is well-remembered by so many people in this town - it's amazing. I just got an email from opposing counsel in a case I am working on and he sent his condolences, telling me that he had bought his very first car from Harry when he was a young whip - so funny! Harry was a bigshot car dealer back in the day, apparently. So we wish Harry off to heaven with all of our love and are so happy that he can reconvene with his sweetheart and love of his life, Harriet, who passed away several years ago. Goodbye, Harry and enjoy the afterlife! We will be joining you soon enough.

Watching My Weight - A New Experience

So I gave into the blatant consumer-hazing message of Weight Watchers and decided to "stop dieting and start living." And you know what? I'm doin' all right with this points business.

I figured what the hell - it's the last 15 (or SO) and I've never tried it and my sister-in-law belongs and she likes it and damn, I was bored as hell with my other diet so why not? And it's cheap - and I don't have to buy any special foods. You can just shop at the regular store, buy regular food and just keep track of points. I did, however, purchase some of their little carrot cake things that are about the size of one of those pink erasers you used in grade school and must say - not bad for a two-bite, one point eraser. Next up - chocolate postage stamp cookies.

This is CRAZY, though - I weighed myself last Thursday morning - 154.4 - wow, girl. I go to WW that evening (who the hell weighs themselves in the EVENING?) and guess what, I weighed 156.4. I was feeling a little hysterical for a minute but now I am okay - after a few days I am now happily back at 149.2 and SO COOL - I can eat whatever I want. I can eat a piece of bread. I can eat a few goldfish crackers. I can have a latte. I just need to count the damned points. I love it. Deprivation, be gone with you.

Seriously - I am happy about this development. Even happier that I finally was able to wear my gorgeous new True Religion jeans and look totally fab. Will look even more fab in about 10 pounds but you know, they look good right now. And I am happy as hell about that! And finally, most happiest as hell thing I can think of to top off this happy list is that I have only consumed about 12 points today (deadline stress can kill an appetite, you know) so I have enough points to have a truly satisfying dinner. Maybe I will even have TWO erasers.