Thursday, February 28, 2008

Taming the Inner...ahem...Slut

I left a post on another blog at (Sorry I have no idea how to do that cute thing where you just say "here" and it takes you to the site) about "Can you be too afraid to lose weight?" I was pretty honest when I said this:

There are reasons for keeping the weight on, definitely. For me (and I speak for myself only), it shields me in some ways from my own dangerous addictions, like sex and men. When I am fat, I don't tend to have the wandering eye and the lustful thoughts - I KNOW nobody is looking. But when I am thin, I still turn heads and that attention, as good as it might feel, can be a powerful pull for me to engage in behaviors or thoughts that are ultimately destructive to me (and my family).

I am ten pounds from my goal now - the attention has officially begun. I just try to keep my mind on my relationship with God, the reasons for my weight loss (health, a new pregnancy) and realize that being fat is no protection - I have to face my sin addictions (alcohol is also one of my demons!) head on without the barriers of fat, denial and self-sabotage.

I got encouragement from others to expand on this line of thought.... as uncouth as it may be to some folks - so I shall delve just a bit deeper here. Maybe you can't relate but I know there are some out there that absolutely can.

I am an alcoholic - a label that tends to say "I can't handle the drink!" But really, the alcoholism is a mere symptom of the actual problem. When I really take a look at the vast array of "addictions" I've struggled with (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, cutting, anorexia, binge-eating... it goes on and on...) it is clear to me that the substance or behavior is not what I am addicted to - it is the self-abuse or self-destruction - the action of hurting myself, over and over.

In relation to the post above about being afraid of losing weight, I have to say that I have had many, many thoughts throughout my weight loss about how "dangerous" it is for me to be thin and attractive - that my evil-side, twin, whatever (my husband and I, in the past, have called this alter-ego "She" - you know, "She" comes out to play, wreak havoc, etc.) is more apt to be active when there are others showing interest in me on a purely physical level. I've never felt "safer" than when I was pregnant - I knew then, without a doubt, that I was safe from having to deal with any of that crap. But the baby comes out, life goes on and the weight is almost gone now. I get very scared to think that in the past two and a half years, I've put together a good life with my husband and son here in Montana - and that all of that could be affected terribly if SHE comes sniffing around again. And I can't deny that She has been knocking on the door lately, with every pound that drops. Male attention is like someone handing me a beer. I say "no thank you" but that doesn't stop me from thinking on it for awhile. And I think the thoughts are just as dangerous as the action - I know so.

And about that She girl knocking on the door - that's SATAN knocking, not some abberant piece of me - Satan, sin, temptation - choose a label. In the past several years I've come to recognize and accept that my sinful actions don't make me an evil person. I make a choice influenced by evil. The bottom line is that I know I'm a sinner and that I make bad choices when I don't rely on God for His strength. I also know that I am a good person with a good heart but when I allow sin (and I consider all of these self-abusive behavior to be a sin) to overtake me, I am without hope and my outlook on life can become very bleak, indeed.

Clearly, I have a lot to work on in my life - and I hope I don't make it sound like my life is awful. It surely is NOT - I am blessed (see post and darling photo below) and things are moving in a positive direction on a variety of fronts. But Carmen's question over at the ELFF site (you can hit the link above or over in my blog roll) really got me thinking about how my weight loss and my addictive nature are joined - and that I really DO have some reservations about being thin. However, as I said above - I've got to face this stuff head on, with God by my side.

And BTW - my weight is 145. Officially in last ten.


Hanlie said...

Okay, first of all, to post a link you click on the 'link' button at the top of your text box. It may ask you to whether you want to allow scripted windows. Allow them, click on "Link" again and it will bring up a popup where you must paste the URL you want to link to. Click okay. You will get the URL encased in code in your text box. Now type the word you want to be clicked on, like "here" directly after that code and then click "/link" after that word to close the link. This is how it works in Wordpress, but I think blogger is the same.

As for HER, I have one too. I was extremely promiscuous in my early twenties and I know that that is one of the reasons I gained weight when I married my first husband. The other was that the marriage was a nightmare right from the start. I realize that a lot of my weight issues stem from a lack of trust - I don't trust myself. And everytime I "cheat" on a diet, I reinforce that. Now I'm happily married and I think that the slut can be laid to rest. She won't bother me anymore. But learning to trust myself in all areas of my life is hard... I'm doing lots of emotional work right now to heal this.

Good luck on your journey. We can do it!

HappyBlogChick said...

I think it's very true that the vast majority of the time, addictions of whatever kind are a symptom. It seems like it's often self-medication ... something that numbs the pain or soothes the mind.

I'm not a mental health professional or addictions specialist, but it seems like there are problems behind all of this that would be difficult to handle without assistance from other people. I respect completely that you've turned to God for help, but have you also considered seeking counseling as well? It seems like what could be behind this could be low self-esteem and/or bipolar disorder and/or a number of other things that someone could help you work through.

As far as how I relate to this post, I think my issues with weight are different from yours. Not that my weight gain was purely physical - it had a mental component for me, but a different one than yours. I think I used food to numb myself at times, and at times I was depressed and didn't have the energy or motivation to try to eat healthfully or exercise.

I don't judge you at all. I've also had promiscuous years, but in my own life the two issues (weight and sex) aren't related. I wish you the best of luck in working through your issues and finding a way to be the person you want to be - healthy both inside and out.

ClaireBoe said...

You hit the nail on the head. The enemy is always lurking, trying to wreak havoc on our good intentions. I am struggling with overeating, after having conquered it this past year! What the heck!? I lost 35 pounds, maintained it for months, and this past few weeks have been horrible. The enemy wants me to be unhealthy and unhappy; I'm not gonna let it happen.

So, thank you so much for this post. Let's pray for each other, put on the "full armor of God" and beat that ol' enemy straight back to hell.

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