I left a post on another blog at http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/the_elf_diet/ (Sorry I have no idea how to do that cute thing where you just say "here" and it takes you to the site) about "Can you be too afraid to lose weight?" I was pretty honest when I said this:
There are reasons for keeping the weight on, definitely. For me (and I speak for myself only), it shields me in some ways from my own dangerous addictions, like sex and men. When I am fat, I don't tend to have the wandering eye and the lustful thoughts - I KNOW nobody is looking. But when I am thin, I still turn heads and that attention, as good as it might feel, can be a powerful pull for me to engage in behaviors or thoughts that are ultimately destructive to me (and my family).
I am ten pounds from my goal now - the attention has officially begun. I just try to keep my mind on my relationship with God, the reasons for my weight loss (health, a new pregnancy) and realize that being fat is no protection - I have to face my sin addictions (alcohol is also one of my demons!) head on without the barriers of fat, denial and self-sabotage.
I got encouragement from others to expand on this line of thought.... as uncouth as it may be to some folks - so I shall delve just a bit deeper here. Maybe you can't relate but I know there are some out there that absolutely can.
I am an alcoholic - a label that tends to say "I can't handle the drink!" But really, the alcoholism is a mere symptom of the actual problem. When I really take a look at the vast array of "addictions" I've struggled with (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, cutting, anorexia, binge-eating... it goes on and on...) it is clear to me that the substance or behavior is not what I am addicted to - it is the self-abuse or self-destruction - the action of hurting myself, over and over.
In relation to the post above about being afraid of losing weight, I have to say that I have had many, many thoughts throughout my weight loss about how "dangerous" it is for me to be thin and attractive - that my evil-side, twin, whatever (my husband and I, in the past, have called this alter-ego "She" - you know, "She" comes out to play, wreak havoc, etc.) is more apt to be active when there are others showing interest in me on a purely physical level. I've never felt "safer" than when I was pregnant - I knew then, without a doubt, that I was safe from having to deal with any of that crap. But the baby comes out, life goes on and the weight is almost gone now. I get very scared to think that in the past two and a half years, I've put together a good life with my husband and son here in Montana - and that all of that could be affected terribly if SHE comes sniffing around again. And I can't deny that She has been knocking on the door lately, with every pound that drops. Male attention is like someone handing me a beer. I say "no thank you" but that doesn't stop me from thinking on it for awhile. And I think the thoughts are just as dangerous as the action - I know so.
And about that She girl knocking on the door - that's SATAN knocking, not some abberant piece of me - Satan, sin, temptation - choose a label. In the past several years I've come to recognize and accept that my sinful actions don't make me an evil person. I make a choice influenced by evil. The bottom line is that I know I'm a sinner and that I make bad choices when I don't rely on God for His strength. I also know that I am a good person with a good heart but when I allow sin (and I consider all of these self-abusive behavior to be a sin) to overtake me, I am without hope and my outlook on life can become very bleak, indeed.
Clearly, I have a lot to work on in my life - and I hope I don't make it sound like my life is awful. It surely is NOT - I am blessed (see post and darling photo below) and things are moving in a positive direction on a variety of fronts. But Carmen's question over at the ELFF site (you can hit the link above or over in my blog roll) really got me thinking about how my weight loss and my addictive nature are joined - and that I really DO have some reservations about being thin. However, as I said above - I've got to face this stuff head on, with God by my side.
And BTW - my weight is 145. Officially in last ten.