Tuesday, March 25, 2008

HYC Check in / More Baby Talk

Still talking about the baby issue but now I've got some happy news. Talked with the husband again about it - we have decided to go ahead and start trying. So I've been waiting patiently for my period since last Tuesday but alas - there is no period.

This is very weird because my period has been like clockwork for the last few years. I have already taken a pregnancy test (okay, two) and I am not pregnant so what gives? Of course, I automatically begin thinking that I must have cancer or something - that, or I am beginning the "change" and now I won't be able to have anymore babies. Whatever - maybe I am just incredibly STRESSED OUT. It wouldn't be the first time that my period has stayed away on account of life drama.

So while I wait for the flow, I am going to keep busy losing this last 10. That was part of the deal with the husband - must stay on task while "trying" so that when I find out I am knocked up, I will be fabulously svelte and ready to gain it all back. Not really - I hope not to gain more than 40, which is about what I gained last time (but I STARTED at 180 - that was no good). Also, in other news that doesn't revolve around the size of my ass, my blood pressure is consistently excellent again. That is a big deal, because the BP is what caused me to have to have my son 4 weeks early so I hope to also keep the BP reasonable during any further pregnancies.

As for the weight loss, well - I've been hanging out here at 145. Didn't gain, didn't lose - just hanging. I do a lot exercise so I guess I make up for some of my eating indiscretions but it totally sucks to do that much hard exercise and not really see any result - other than a static number. OH well - I guess it aint going up, and that is good news. So that is all I really have to say today - going to make good choices for the remainder of this week and I am committing to GOING to Weight Watchers because I have skipped the meeting for the last two weeks. How high school - I didn't want to go and see a gain. Okay, so - Go Stephanie! You can do it! I am usually rooting for others so I thought perhaps today I would root for myself. Rah rah!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

HYC Check-In / Weight-ing For Baby

This week has been, uhhhh, okay, I guess. Last week was a bust for weight loss. On Thursday morning I weighed 143.2 - I was amazed - but then Friday morning and Saturday morning weighed 144.8 - WTF? I ate within my points and exercised my ASS off and for what? So on Saturday I totally did not want to go to WW because I knew I would record a slight gain - which I did, only .2, but STILL. And I just kept obsessing about it all day on Saturday, pissed off and glum that I did not lose anything.

Which brings me to today - I went to see my headshrinker and spilled some stuff to him that I had been keeping back, which felt good. He asked about my goals for pregnancy (because we had been discussing that a few months back) and I told him that I was waiting until I lost some more weight before we started trying. He, like most people, said that I didn't need to lose any weight and that I looked fine. Of course, the guy doesn't see me naked, but at the same time, something clicked in my head. I DO look fine - I am HEALTHY. So why AM I feeling so compelled to get to this particular goal of 135? I'm about 145 - what's wrong with that? Whenever I try to explain it, I feel like an idiot.

It is just the goal I set for myself - it is not an unrealistic goal, at least, I don't think it is. I am 5' 5 inches tall and 38 years old. 135 is a healthy weight for my build, which is "medium" (though I am convinced that my wrists are quite delicate and indicate my body's yearning to be in the "small" frame category). I have weighed 135 in the past - well, it's been quite awhile, really. I weighed 135 for a MINUTE back in 2004 and then promptly ate the 40 pounds I had just lost (in 9 weeks) back onto my body. Then I got pregnant at 180 - then I gave birth at 220 and now, two years later, I am at 145. And wondering two things....

1) Why the goal of 135? and
2) Why, if I want another baby so badly, haven't I done what it takes to lose the rest?

The shrink pointed out that perhaps I am not mentally ready to have another child and I have to agree that this is a high possibility - I've been dragging my feet on the weight loss for a long time, despite my professed desire to have a second child. The goal weight is very close now yet I am in no rush to get there and in fact, have been sabotaging myself for months. I get a little progress, then I back-pedal. Get closer, stop. Get closer, stop again. And I am not really frustrated with myself - I know I can lose it when I decide to finish the job but I still like to think about the WHY part - what is going on in my subconcious? I have no answer today - just musing here - but it is food for thought.

As for the goal itself, well - I am forced to admit that my husband is a big part of what is pushing me toward it. Not in a mean way but in a way that says, "Stephanie, you won't be satisfied if you don't finish the job. I know you - you will be happier if you meet your goal of 135." But I can't help feel sometimes like he is holding some carrot in the air (or maybe a piece of pizza, which is much more desireable to me) saying "I won't give you the pizza until you fit this mold!" and the pizza, is, of course, a BABY. He is withholding my "prize," in essence, until I hit this magic number. Then, of course, I will have permission to gain weight but until then, the game if off. It bothers me, despite the fact that it is all for a good cause (a healthy pregnancy). There is no guarantee that I will immediately become pregnant upon hitting 135. I am filled with "what if's" and hopeful that I will not be saying "if only" at some later date.

Whoa - that's a lot of babble but it's important for me to talk about, write out, whatever. When you put words down in some written form, it gives life and a sense of reality to whatever it is you're feeling and writing about. This struggle is very real for me and for some reason the visit with the shrink made me really think about the WHY of the goal. It doesn't mean that I am going to change everything or anything, for that matter, but at least I am getting closer to knowing just a little bit more about myself and the things that drive me.

As a final note, I must confess that I ate two donuts today and I am not even mad at myself about it. Sometimes a maple bar is just called for. Thank God for Turbo Jam.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

E. E. E. E. - Early Evening Eating Episode

I'm going through my day, making good choices about food, drinking my water, planning a workout, etc. I get off work, go pick up the kid, drive home and unload from the vehicle. I walk inside, see that the dog has ripped into a bunch of diet powder packets that I stupidly left in a large baggie that he could access and I begin to stress. I'm hollering, shoving the bad, bad beast out the door, ripping the vacuum cleaner from the closet and sighing dramatically as my son stands near the powder explosion on the carpet, pointing and repeating "Ba Ha! Ba Ha!" (That's "Bad Hoss! Bad Hoss!" for those not familiar with two-year-old speak).

So I get it all hoovered up and turn to tending to my Wyatt, who then starts clamoring for "ju eye" and "coo coos." I get his juice with ice and his cookies (which is really Oatmeal Squares Cereal, goldfish crackers - anything that I stick in his snacking container, really) and turn on Sponge Bob Squarepants, because I know that the next words out of his wee maw will be "Ba Bob, Mama." I take a deep breath and throw myself onto the couch, trying to plan what it is I am going to eat for dinner. And suddenly, I am looking at that container of coo coos and thinking, "damn, that cereal looks good."

I start with a few squares - "Oh, what is a point or two, really?" Then I move on to more squares, which I measure out in a 1/2 cup dose, minus the few I ate so that I know for sure I've eaten 2 points worth. Still trying to plot my dinner, I figure out that I will make an english muffin pizza and go downstairs to hang with Wyatt until Justin gets home. And for whatever reason, I just start eating more and more cereal. Then a few chips with hummus. Then some more cereal, then a few goldfish until suddenly I am in full-on snacking mode and just going for it. Ultimately, I ended up just eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, enough to fill me up so that I did not want anything else to eat. But I was so mad at myself for the transgression of the snack attack and for going over my points that I did not do the exercise I had planned to do. I was too "depressed." Whatever, Stephanie!

I am WELL AWARE that this time period, say, from 5:45 to 7:00-ish, is by far the hardest time for me to avoid overeating. I am usually hungry, tired and tense from working all day and then wrangling with my son while we wait for Daddy to get home. It is a STRESS eating event, for sure. Even if I am not hungry, I WANT to eat. And its not like I want to eat garbage foods, necessarily - I just want to eat whatever is available, which is usually cereal, whole-grain chips, hummus, dried apricots, etc. But no matter the quality of the food, it can still cause weight problems when eaten in excess. It occurred to me last night and again, this morning, that I really need to make some sort of plan for myself so that I don't continue to sabotage my weight loss efforts.

Today, I made a point of eating less points for breakfast and my morning snack. I am going to try and move some of my points down into the day so that I CAN eat a snack when I get home and not go over points. It's that deprivation mindset that washes over me like a tidal wave at times... Being on WW has really helped with that but still - it comes back now and again. The baby in me screams "WHY can't I eat 3 cups of cereal? WHY?" And then I have to remind myself - "Oh yeah - I have 9 more pounds to lose... plus, if I eat like that often, I will gain back the weight I've already lost..." It is a battle - not so constant anymore, but still I am forced to fight at least a few times per week.

I have to keep my goal in mind and I have to keep my core reason for getting to that goal crystal clear in my mind - I want to have another baby - SOON. And I want to have a healthy pregnancy this time - I don't want to feel like an over-inflated zepplin who can barely reach her ass when she has to wipe it. I want to feel healthy and happy - because it is likely going to be my last pregnancy and I really want to enjoy it.

So - I am committing to sticking to my points today and also, to do my workout tonight. I get so tired sometimes and that is such an easy excuse for not wanting to workout - for example, tonight I won't even get a chance to workout until at least 9PM. But - I've got to do it and I will do it because it is a decision I've made to be healthy. A DECISION, not an attempt. There is a huge difference between the two.