Tuesday, May 20, 2008

HYC Check In / Trying to Be SANE Today

Turns out I am having my little womanly surgery next Wednesday, May 28. Eeeew! I am not looking forward to it at all but a part of me is relieved to be having it done sooner rather than later. I am wavering between sadness and fear - back and forth, back and forth. Of course I am scared that they might find something awful in there but even more, I am afraid that having the surgery itself may make having another baby a problem.

I've done a lot of reading about these cone biopsies and have certainly read plenty of positive outcomes for people so - I am just focusing on living one day at a time instead of catastrophizing everything and in my mind. If I let myself, I can work myself up into a full-fledged scenario of me, in a hospital bed, fading off into death at a mere 39 years old...I know, I can't keep being so negative but hey, you know what? That shit happens. Until I receive the news after the surgery, however, I will do my best to maintain a postive attitude. Screw you, you nasty little abnormal dysplasia cell a-holes. Go away - we don't need you here!

On the health front... I've gained a few pounds. The jeans are feeling a mite bit tight today... It's only about 3 or 4 pounds but still - I'm disappointed. Of course, I knew I would gain weight because HELLO - I'm doing plenty of emotional eating - but it still sucks to see those numbers on the scale. What I NEED to do is to just make sure I am exercising - I've had a bad attitude about that lately, too. If only I could take care of myself the way that I try to take care of others. I would be so healthy and in fantastic shape!

Signing off now - my husband has some special thing planned for us tonight and will be here any time now. We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are doing it tonight, instead. Of course, I am hoping it is an amazing meal of some kind!! Some things never change.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

The News...Not So Great

I talked to my GYN this morning - I have to have the cone biopsy AND and D & C. SHIT! I am not happy about this at all, naturally. And it's not really the surgery or even the possibility of having cancer that bugs me - it's more the fact that this might just interfere with my ability to have another child. All this lollygagging around, "waiting" to lose weight - I surely hope I have not lost my chance to have another child.

Okay, so WHOA - we aren't really there yet, are we? I haven't been told I have cancer or that I have to have a hysterectomy or anything. They just want a piece of my cervix and the chance to scrape it out a little. Gross - glad I will be asleep for all of this cutting and scraping business. Anyway - just thought I should write about it instead of just sitting here crying intermittently about it. Bottom line is that I would gladly have all of the womanly parts removed if it meant being alive for my son in the future. So there. The surgery will be in about 4 to 6 weeks. I'm sure I will have plenty to say about it over the next several weeks.

HYC Check-In / Stress Central

I am feeling quite stressed out this week. Tons of work to do, a hearing next week, finding out about financing on our "almost" new house, finding out if I have to have another nasty GYN procedure - so much fun stuff, I can just hardly stand it. Oh, and my son fell and smashed his nose on our deck so I am also stressing about his potential broken nose and how he is going to look like some crooked-faced boxer for the rest of his life. Right now the skin around his eyes is turning a lovely shade of purply-red-black and he has a gigantic scab on the bridge of his nose. He is so brave, though - he just points to his nose and says stoically - "Owie, Mama, owie." I, on the other hand, am filled with a general sense of fear and dread most hours of the day lately.

I am trying to stay positive and trying to make a few positive choices for myself - for example, today I am making a conscious effort to drink all of my water. And I plan to take a walk/run later this afternoon, provided that the weather holds. It has been raining quite a bit lately but at least it has stopped snowing, for crying out loud! I don't think the weather here realizes that it is ALMOST SUMMER - hello?!! Shorts? Tank tops? Flip-flops? I tried to buck the system the other day and defiantly wore my flip flops - a real mistake when it is 32 degrees outside. I found out quickly that socks and close-toed shoes are a much better choice for spring in Siberia (I mean, Montana).

My health is, according to the recent stats taken at the GYN, pretty damned good, other than my apparently abnormal cervix cells. My BP is fantastic still and my weight is, well - one hell of a lot better than it was two years ago!! It is amazing to think that I weighed 200 pounds when I started this whole weight loss journey. Do I still have some to lose - yeah, but it still feels really good when a nurse or doctor looks at my chart and says "Wow, you've really lost a lot of weight!"

I have a weight loss pattern. I tend to lose some and then stagnate for awhile. My mental state is usually this - I am happy that I've lost (say, for example, 20 pounds) and then stay at that weight for awhile, feeling good about the accomplishment. I am thinking - damn, I look good. Then, inevitably, I start to feel unhappy with where I am - not satisfied, not finished with the journey. So I lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then - the stagnation kicks in again - I feel good, look better, etc., and then the cycle begins again. So right now, I am at my last point of stagnation - I can really only lose about 10 or 15 more - that would put me right in the healthy and fabulous zone. I am just waiting for Motivation to get here - I wish she would hurry up - I am getting sick of waiting for her ass.

I am not feeling especially bad right now about my weight, though. I am just taking some time to simply exist and get through the next couple of months, which are bound to be stressful. I can just hang out here at this weight for another summer (which wouldn't be the end of the world) or I can take some immediate action and drop the last 10 or so - having such a focus right now might actually help the stress and obsessing about things I cannot control. So I will just consider these options and report back later. Also, when I hear from the GYN (which should be today) I will update with my prognosis. I am hopeful that my cervix will turn out to be perfectly average and normal. For once, I prefer to just be an average chick.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Still Alive, Still Flabby!

Well, I thought it might be time to do a blog entry since I haven't done one in about SIX WEEKS. What a bum - Actually, I have just been pretty overwhelmed with work and other drama - trying to buy a house, a lovely colposcopy and biopsy at the GYN, eating too many chocolate covered graham crackers, trying to console my seemingly constant-tantruming son - that kind of shit. And well, I just haven't been very good about taking care of ME lately.

It started with slacking off my daily water intake. Then I started letting in a few extra points here and there. Then I stopped tracking my food on WW.com. Then I stopped exercising consistently. Then I started getting depressed and nasty. Funny how that downward spiral can really gain momentum if you let it. In any event, I am on the upswing, although I did not drink my bottle of water this morning. Must do that right away.

So I had to go for this awful procedure with the GYN and should be finding out the results here fairly soon. I am hopeful that it is good news - cuz if it is not, I am going to be freaking OUT. I do not want to proceed to the next most awful-sounding procedure - the dreaded CONE biopsy, where they take a big old chunk from your cervix while you are blissfully under anesthesia. Can you say GROSS, PAINFUL and SCARY, all at once? Man, I would really be pissed off it it ultimately turned out that I had cancer. Chances are very slim but you just never know.

In baby-making news, we did not "get pregnant" last month and now I am thinking that is a good thing since I am having these cervical issues. Once I find out I am okay (see, I am being positive) we will proceed! My periods have been irregular lately, though, complicating a seemingly simple procedure! In fact, I am suffering a nasty period today - being a woman is just so much FUN! Oh well - enough about my vagina, already.

My weight today was 146. I have maintained pretty well through my LAPSE of commitment but I need to get my ass motivated and drop this last 10. And I want to give a shout out to all my girls at HYC who came by and left me comments over the past few weeks - thanks for the support!