I am feeling quite stressed out this week. Tons of work to do, a hearing next week, finding out about financing on our "almost" new house, finding out if I have to have another nasty GYN procedure - so much fun stuff, I can just hardly stand it. Oh, and my son fell and smashed his nose on our deck so I am also stressing about his potential broken nose and how he is going to look like some crooked-faced boxer for the rest of his life. Right now the skin around his eyes is turning a lovely shade of purply-red-black and he has a gigantic scab on the bridge of his nose. He is so brave, though - he just points to his nose and says stoically - "Owie, Mama, owie." I, on the other hand, am filled with a general sense of fear and dread most hours of the day lately.
I am trying to stay positive and trying to make a few positive choices for myself - for example, today I am making a conscious effort to drink all of my water. And I plan to take a walk/run later this afternoon, provided that the weather holds. It has been raining quite a bit lately but at least it has stopped snowing, for crying out loud! I don't think the weather here realizes that it is ALMOST SUMMER - hello?!! Shorts? Tank tops? Flip-flops? I tried to buck the system the other day and defiantly wore my flip flops - a real mistake when it is 32 degrees outside. I found out quickly that socks and close-toed shoes are a much better choice for spring in Siberia (I mean, Montana).
My health is, according to the recent stats taken at the GYN, pretty damned good, other than my apparently abnormal cervix cells. My BP is fantastic still and my weight is, well - one hell of a lot better than it was two years ago!! It is amazing to think that I weighed 200 pounds when I started this whole weight loss journey. Do I still have some to lose - yeah, but it still feels really good when a nurse or doctor looks at my chart and says "Wow, you've really lost a lot of weight!"
I have a weight loss pattern. I tend to lose some and then stagnate for awhile. My mental state is usually this - I am happy that I've lost (say, for example, 20 pounds) and then stay at that weight for awhile, feeling good about the accomplishment. I am thinking - damn, I look good. Then, inevitably, I start to feel unhappy with where I am - not satisfied, not finished with the journey. So I lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then - the stagnation kicks in again - I feel good, look better, etc., and then the cycle begins again. So right now, I am at my last point of stagnation - I can really only lose about 10 or 15 more - that would put me right in the healthy and fabulous zone. I am just waiting for Motivation to get here - I wish she would hurry up - I am getting sick of waiting for her ass.
I am not feeling especially bad right now about my weight, though. I am just taking some time to simply exist and get through the next couple of months, which are bound to be stressful. I can just hang out here at this weight for another summer (which wouldn't be the end of the world) or I can take some immediate action and drop the last 10 or so - having such a focus right now might actually help the stress and obsessing about things I cannot control. So I will just consider these options and report back later. Also, when I hear from the GYN (which should be today) I will update with my prognosis. I am hopeful that my cervix will turn out to be perfectly average and normal. For once, I prefer to just be an average chick.