Turns out I am having my little womanly surgery next Wednesday, May 28. Eeeew! I am not looking forward to it at all but a part of me is relieved to be having it done sooner rather than later. I am wavering between sadness and fear - back and forth, back and forth. Of course I am scared that they might find something awful in there but even more, I am afraid that having the surgery itself may make having another baby a problem.
I've done a lot of reading about these cone biopsies and have certainly read plenty of positive outcomes for people so - I am just focusing on living one day at a time instead of catastrophizing everything and in my mind. If I let myself, I can work myself up into a full-fledged scenario of me, in a hospital bed, fading off into death at a mere 39 years old...I know, I can't keep being so negative but hey, you know what? That shit happens. Until I receive the news after the surgery, however, I will do my best to maintain a postive attitude. Screw you, you nasty little abnormal dysplasia cell a-holes. Go away - we don't need you here!
On the health front... I've gained a few pounds. The jeans are feeling a mite bit tight today... It's only about 3 or 4 pounds but still - I'm disappointed. Of course, I knew I would gain weight because HELLO - I'm doing plenty of emotional eating - but it still sucks to see those numbers on the scale. What I NEED to do is to just make sure I am exercising - I've had a bad attitude about that lately, too. If only I could take care of myself the way that I try to take care of others. I would be so healthy and in fantastic shape!
Signing off now - my husband has some special thing planned for us tonight and will be here any time now. We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are doing it tonight, instead. Of course, I am hoping it is an amazing meal of some kind!! Some things never change.