Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Pressured to Produce...And it Worked

Well, I am sitting here and it is damned late and I was just screwing off on the Internet and HAPPENED to look at my blog and I saw that someone added a comment on my last entry and I see it is MIZFIT who is all, like - "SO?" As in, where is that entry you promised to do...ahem? Thanks, chick...I really was planning to just pack it in and call it a night. My kid is in bed (FINALLY), my husband went out to drink beer with his brother (THANK GOD) and I am sitting here on the couch with the main menu of SpongeBob Squarepants' "Bikini Bottom Adventures" playing over and over and over as I peruse the Internet for some form of entertainment. All's I gotta say is...You Tube is completely overrated, although I am fond of the Ghetto Gumby clip that I have watched repetitively and memorized lines from.

I had a long day. I had a settlement conference with a client - it settled, but it sucked, as far as I'm concerned. And it's not about money, it's about assholes. But I digress...I had an okay week, not so great on the exercise front and I probably ate more than my fair share of everything. My husband and I are driving to Butte, MT tomorrow night to go to the State Bar Convention (yes, it sounds incredibly boring) so I won't really be able to exercise much and I am sure he will be trying to do that special form of "exercise" that all husbands seem to want to do whenever they get near a hotel room, sans child. Mmm hmmm - can't wait for that. I am just feeling a bit blah this week..,. sorry. Good thing I will see the headshrinker tomorrow morning, though I guess I will just be faking my way through that shit, just like I do most things. Eeeew, get off the pity pot, NOW. I command me.

So yesterday on Mizfit's website she talked about the abundance diet concept - you know, if you fill your cupboards with all of your forbidden foods, you will eventually tire of them and relax about it and stop obsessing - I am sure I'm not explaining it nearly as good as her so maybe you should just go to her site. I have no f-ing idea how to do a little "click here" link thing so, uh - good luck finding her. Go into my comments on my last entry and click on her name - how's that for guidance? I never said I was an Internet genius, okay? ANYWAY - it got me to thinkin' about that concept and how if I stocked my cabinets with, say, pop tarts and chocolate chip cookies and whole milk and frozen pizzas and Coke Classic and God only knows what else I would come up with, would I REALLY just eat that for weeks on end or would I eventually return to eating more healthful things? And THAT got me to thinkin' about why I overeat, how I overeat and why I feel there are forbidden foods in the first place.

I'm an emotional eater. When I am pissed off, I will eat AT something - usually my husband, who is generally always "concerned" for me and my extra 20 pounds. (Never mind the f-ing fact that I've LOST over 50). If I am upset or angry about something, stressed out, tired - whatEVER - I will eat in response. Another bad habit - if there is something "bad" in the house and I have the opportunity (read - he is not there or not watching) I will eat it just...because I have that opportunity. How stupid is that?

But if I actually filled the pantry with stuff I love, would I just blow up like a giant, used-car lot balloon? I don't know, really. It is scary to even contemplate. The thing is, though, even if there is fairly healthy stuff, like decent cereal and skim milk, for example - I will still intentionally overeat that stuff when I am upset. So - I don't know that it really matters WHAT is in the cupboards. It is more like what is in my HEAD. Although I must say that there are currently two Hershey Bars in my pantry and there used to be four - things like that tend to call my name louder than oatmeal or hummus, you know?

I don't know if that was much use to anyone but I wanted to muse about it a bit and so...there you go. Okay, everyone have a good week and I will try to be nicer to myself. And not eat too much crap at the Bar Convention, though I doubt there will be much good shit there. I will try not to die of boredom, surrounded by my endlessly fascinating colleagues. Wish me luck. I may be so bored I do another blog entry. How novel.

Monday, September 8, 2008

HYC Check In - Am Fine...Still Flabby

Hello, fellow blogsters - let's give a big warm welcome back to ME!!!! And thanks to those of you who have expressed concern as to my brief hiatus from blogging - well, I guess it was more like two months. That's not so brief, now, is it? Well, shit, I've just been BUSY. Busy overeating, busy not working out, busy wasting time - you know, THAT kind of busy. The kind of busy when one just doesn't really feel like doing a lot of self-examination and reflection - the DENIAL kind of busy. The busy that you just keep buzzing away at until one day you pull on your jeans and you realize that your ass has expanded so much that you can't walk comfortably, seeings as the seam of your jeans is digging into your unmentionables.

Yeah, so - anyway, that's where I am at. And not very happy about it but hey - I'm back and at least thinking about taking better care of myself again so... that's progress in my book. Last night I even washed my face. So there - total self-improvement is just inches beyond my grasp, I can tell.

As described above, my pants are tight, which means I've definitely put a few pounds on the old keester. I've not been wanting to wear my fancy jeans (translation: jeans I would have never paid that much money for but since they were a gift from my parents I am fine wearing them) because I get that dreaded sausage-like overhang at the hip (also known as "muffin top" or "bra sausage" when found on the upper body) and feel like I have to wear extremely long shirts to keep those fleshy ledges under wraps. I used to complain about the long length of tee shirts lately but this past weekend I found myself admiring the long tops at Target and appreciating their fat-covering qualities. I knew it then - I was expanding and compensating for it, rather than saying "WTF! Drop the fork!"

I probably weigh about 153, I would venture to guess. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and confirm the awful truth. Actually, you know, it's not awful - it just is what it is. At least it's not 200 - that is a number I NEVER want to see again, and I am nowhere near it so - phew! Sometimes I think about all of the weight I've lost and I think, "Jeez, it used to be 70 to lose - now I have only 20 to lose - I know I can do it, as I've already done it twice plus 10 so - what's the damned problem?" Commitment. Dedication. Not being a lazy ass or making excuses to eat crap I shouldn't. I am under no illusions. This is my deal - nobody else's. I just need to decide and do it.

Okay, so - Hope everyone has a great week and I promise to be back here next week. I will drink my water and eat my protein and uh, NOT eat crap. Oh - and I will exercise at least 3 times. Sometimes making those mini-goals are all I can manage. Like I said, it's all progress in the right direction - self-care. I'm not very good at that, but I am glad that I can see it now, and acknowledge it, and try to do better.

Alright - I am going to wash my face now. Two days in a row...it's almost a habit.