Saturday, August 11, 2012

Repeat After Me: I Am Fucking Awesome


  I know.  The title is a bit vulgar.  My mother-in-law and Aunt Patsey would roll their eyes and tut-tut, wondering how an educated, articulate woman (a MOTHER, no less) could use such words - IF they actually read my blog!  I know it's not the most appropriate way to get my point across.  But I use the term "fucking awesome" because, well - I like it.  It fits me.  And it works. 

You see, I am tired of feeling the whole "I'm not good enough" or "I'm not worth it" thing.  Recently, I was considering entering a writing contest and the theme was "the decision you most regret."  Now, there are plenty of bad decisions for me to choose from in my life.  Taking out student loans, getting fake boobs, moving to Los Angeles, flashing said fake boobs at coworkers (uh, YEAH, I was drunk) - I think we all have done stuff that we regret terribly and they all involved a bad decision (or many, in rapid succession).  But after thinking about this topic for over two weeks, I came to the realization that the decision I regret the most was the decision I made, at some point in my life, to BELIEVE the outright lie of "I'm not good enough."   And to continue believing it, for years and years and years. 

I'm done with that crap (see, I said 'crap' instead of 'shit' - isn't that growth?)  I AM good enough.  I AM worth it.  Why? Because I am fucking awesome.  I am a creation of God.  I have been put on this Earth to do something, and I am certain that it's NOT to lay on the couch eating macaroni and cheese, and lamenting about what a shitty hand life has dealt me.  No, I'm here to make a difference.  And I have an amazing tool bag to do it with - talents, skills, gifts galore.  But you can't see any of that when you are bogged down in self-pity.  I have stopped saying "why me?" and am now asking "why NOT me?"  Instead of looking at others and enviously wishing for their life or circumstances, I am changing my own life and circumstances by making one healthy choice at a time.  Some see it as "depriving" myself or being "extreme" or "obsessive" - I call it taking care of myself as if my life depends on it.  Because hey - it DOES. 

I have abandoned myself for long enough.  It is time to take care of ME, not because someone else will be happy but because I will be healthy and happier.  I deserve to feel and be healthy - physically, mentally, spiritually - in all ways.  I am worth the effort.  So when I say I am fucking awesome, I'm not saying how great I am, look at me.  I'm saying hey, I am a pretty wonderful individual with a lot to offer and I need to take care of myself.  When I struggle with this idea, I think about myself as a little girl.  I even look at pictures of myself - Would I choose to hurt that little girl?  Isn't she worth taking care of?  Isn't she fucking awesome?  The answer is yes, and I try to never forget that I am still that same little girl - I'm still that same person, just older.  A child should be cherished, and so we should cherish ourselves, even as adults who have made some bad choices in life.  Look at me - Should this little girl be punished because she hasn't been absolutely perfect as an adult? 


I saw something the other day on Pinterest (if I hear one more person call it "Pin-interest" I'm going to kill someone) and it said "It's never too late to become what you might have been."  I agree wholeheartedly.  Just because I've spent the last 20 years or so trying to destroy myself does not mean I have to stay on that path.  I can stop any time and in fact, I have.  I am building a better me, for me, so that I can be of service to others and help others realize that they, too, are fucking awesome. 

So repeat after me:  I am fucking awesome.  Repeat daily, whenever self-doubt creeps in or you hear that little voice saying, "you should eat that giant piece of cake / not exercise / sleep with that guy / get drunk / because you deserve a break."  If you are fucking awesome, don't you actually deserve something better than that?  Like self-love?  Self-respect? Choices that make you more healthy, not less healthy?  Today, I believe that I do. 

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

GO. GIRL.

Anonymous said...

Hi honey, It's mom! Well I wrote you a really great comment and when I went to read it using that handy Preview button and I lost it! Where does that stuff go anyway?
It was wonderful to talk to you and Wyatt last night. I loved meeting Goldie and new pet fish in the family. Just tell Sally not to worry while you are on vacation because they sell replacement parts at Petco.
I'm sorry I never write comments on your blog but the whole thing about putting comments out there that everyone can read is. . . well it's kind of creepy to me. Hello everyone I'm OLD. You see it makes me feel like everyone is looking up my skirt and I don't even wear skirts anymore because of all the vericose veins in my legs. Oops,TMI - too much information.
I'm not sure if you really want me to make comments on your blog. Everyone will know it's really me that is driving you crazy (oh boy I'm not sure that's the right word to use either). Help I'm just getting deeper. I'm melting, I'm melting... Talk to you soon baby,
Love, Mommie (yes, I know I spelled it wrong. See, I feel I have to justify myself to the gray sea of people out there!!! Help. Oh and the last thing I want to point out to you is I'm sending you this comment Anonymously. Love Mommie

Stephanie said...

Thanks, Mommie. I had no idea it was you until you told me that. :-) And you're not driving me crazy -I'm no longer crazy, see? I'm ****ing awesome. (Just can't say the f-word to my Mommie). Love you, too.

emjcosmetics said...

Love your writing Steph. I agree, you are awesome and so am I. Such a good reminder that we are the same precious little children of God. I have an addiction I'm determined to kick as well. I always have a hard time though realizing that it's not just for the sake of my children, but for me too. I love you sis!

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