Stark Raving Flab

Week 8 Insanity: Taking a Breather

2009-09-23T14:02:00.001-07:00

I am well into week 8 of my Insanity workouts - next week is the LAST WEEK - yay! It's been hard - hard as HELL - but I am so proud of myself, just for getting my ass out of bed every day and doing it. I'm not 20 pounds lighter or anything but my body is definitely changing. I'm wearing a pair of jeans today that I could not wear 6 weeks ago so there.

Today, however, I did NOT get my ass out of bed. I am dog tired lately. My muscles are sore and achy and I just wanted to stay in the bed. For hours after I finally got up, I felt the urge to beat myself up about being lazy and unmotivated and almost ate a giant bowl of cereal without counting the calories...SCREEEEEECH! Stop right there, I said - What is this? Why am I feeling bad for taking ONE slight break, knowing that I am going to do my workout tonight, anyway? That is how married to routine I get - If I break it, I feel, just, wrong. Well, I got over that shit and am feeling happy and, guess what, motivated! Looking forward to tonight's workout and I know that I will feel better having let my muscles rest an additional 12 hours. Seriously, they needed it.

So I received my NEXT workout series - It's called ChaLEAN Extreme. It looks rockin - It is weight training so totally different than what I am doing right now. I am going to be ordering some Selectech weights for the occasion. I am, however, going to take a one week respite in between the end of Insanity and the beginning of CE to just do whatever I want. I will still get up and exercise in the morning but I will do a variety of different stuff - like Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam and maybe even that evil workout queen, Jillian Michaels will get to take a stab at me now that I have done Insanity.

That's all I have. Nothing amazing to report except that life is good and I feel happy. THAT is amazing, actually.

Insanity Week Six: To the Max

2009-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

I thought the workouts were hard during the first 5 weeks but I was wrong. They were mere child's play... This week I was welcomed to the world of "max" - 4 new workouts from hell, thanks to Beachbody, the makers of this program they call "Insanity." Right they are! Doing all of this IS insane but for whatever reason, I keep doing it. Probably because my pants keep getting looser.

So today I did "Max Interval Circuit." Get this - I burned 600 calories! 600! The heart rate monitor does not lie... These workouts are longer than the ones in the first 5 weeks so it makes sense that they burn more but I was pretty happy with today's result. I am still frustrated by the scale, though. I think I am just eating too many calories - that's all I can come up with. When I was on WW, doing Hip Hop Abs (a LOT easier than Insanity) I was dropping weight. Here, eating significantly more calories (and burning more, too) I am not dropping much weight at all. Inches, yes. Sleeping better, yes. Looser clothes, yes. Pounds, not so much.

At the beginning of all this, I went and had my body fat tested, as well as a full body sort of scan thing that tells you about your muscle strength in each limb, how much water is in your body, lean body mass and other useless bits of information that I didn't really ask for and wasn't really that concerned about. But now, after working my ass off this hard for 6 weeks and barely losing any weight, I am starting to feel really interested in some of that other stuff. Like, have I actually gained some muscle? By doing this test again in 3 weeks, I will be able to tell that, as well as if I have gained strength. Shit, I know I've gained strength - I can do several REAL pushups now - not girly knee push ups but REAL LIVE push ups. That is a feat in and of itself.

I am already planning my next workout series. I am going to order ChaLEAN Extreme from BeachBody. It is by the same gal that does Turbo Jam (who I actually really like) but it is totally focused on weight training - lifting heavy weight. I will take a recovery week and then jump on that train for 90 days. I really like having a plan for working out - I've got the Insanity calendar on my wall and every day I just look at it and it tells me which workout to do. It takes the choice out of it and frankly, that's what I need. If it were my choice, I'd probably be sitting on the carpet eating Pop Tarts, watching chick flicks. I also like getting to mark each day off and being able to see my progress. So these planned DVD workout series have a lot of great attributes as far as I am concerned. I am a huge cheerleader for working out at home to DVDs. Can you tell?

I hope everyone has a great weekend. My focus is going to be on drinking all of my water (2+ liters per day) and trying to keep the calories around 1700. We'll see - oh, I am praying I make it through tomorrow's Max Plyometrics!

Insanity Week 5 - Recovery, My Ass!

2009-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I am STILL at it. I am just completing week 5 in my Insanity workouts. It is supposed to be my "recovery week" wherein I do the same workout DVD over six days. The workout is supposedly less "hard" on the body. Well, it is certainly easier than the original workouts but it is not EASY by any means. I am happy to report that I still sweat so much that my headband (I have to wear or my eyes turn to sweat pools) is soaked through. Eeew. Next week I begin a long visit to MAX hell... Max intervals, Max Plyometrics, Max whatever. Each workout is about an hour so I am basically looking forward to almost dying every morning (okay, six days a week).

I've been a little pissy about the fact that I have not lost much weight. I have lost, maximum, 5 pounds. Yes, I know, Jenny Craigs of the world, that 1 pound a week is a fine weight loss - don't start that reassuring, back-patting crap with me. I'm just plain annoyed. The thing is, I am working my ASS off and have worked out at much lesser amounts and lost more weight. Part of the issue is this - I can't fuel these workouts on 1200 calories a day. I am eating about 1750 per day, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. But generally, I keep it under 1900 all the time. Some might say, well, that is way too much to lose weight - but I'm burning 400-500 a day per workout. My basal metabolic rate is 1400-ish. So you do the math. I don't get it.

The BRIGHT SIDE (because there always is one, isn't there, Pollyanna?) is this - my clothes are looser and I have definitely lost some inches. I've had two people tell me that my "shape" is changing. So that's cool. I just wish the scale would register something meaningful. I'd really like to see something in the 150's - that would be LOVELY. So - I commit to work my ass off some more over the next 4 hellacious weeks and will hopefully be able to say that I lost at least 10 pounds in 9 weeks. That would be an accomplishment. Plus, I will be in the best cardiovascular shape of my LIFE. Seriously, I already feel like a machine sometimes... These workouts will at least do THAT for you!

More later - work beckons. Also, I think I hear the coffee pot calling my name...

Still Insane and Loving It

2009-08-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Just finished week 3 of "Insanity." I am amazed that I have continued this long. Even more amazed that I am actually ENJOYING this abuse, looking forward to the heavy breathing and more sweat than I have ever seen fall from my body. REALLY - it falls off of me onto the carpet. Today, I was working so hard that something actually blew out of my frickin' NOSE and fell to the floor. Let's just say that it's a good thing we will be steam-cleaning these carpets when we move. But I've left more DNA in my workout room lately than I ever have. Anywhere.

Okay, so I know my one reader is dying to know...What are the STATS? Have I lost weight? Do I look different? Well - as of last Sunday I had lost 5 pounds. I measured myself today - I've lost 2 inches from my boobs already (that's fine, they were way too juggy to begin with), 2 inches from my waist, an inch off my arms and a half inch from my hips. I think that is good for three weeks of hard ass work. Of course, I want to have lost ten pounds and ten inches already but you know - patience is a virtue and all that garbage. I took photos at the beginning and actually had my body fat measured so - once I am fabulous and can say, "See how great I look?!" then I will post the before and after photos and body comp stats. Until then, the before photo stays under serious wraps. I can't believe I let my husband take it. I am wearing only a sports bra and a tiny pair of undies.

Still practicing being kind to myself. It's not easy. Sometimes I don't feel very kind toward anyone, including my son, who is 3 and a half and driving me crazy with the "why?" thing. And the interrupting - OMG, the interrupting. Six months ago he could barely talk - now I can't shut him up. It's so wonderful, really, but that doesn't mean I can't get annoyed or want to stuff a few monster trucks in his mouth once in awhile. So I haven't been feeling very kind or patient these last few days. We've just had a lot going on and frankly, I feel the premenstrual crazies, even though I am not PM right now. I guess I am just bitchy.

I have been peeing on those ovulation predictor sticks every morning for a week - still haven't dropped an egg yet. I must have been way off on my cycle. I guess that explains why I am not knocked up yet. Oh well - that leaves more time for me to continue the INSANITY and get in the best shape of my life. I am down with that. It would me nice to have a healthy, happier pregnancy. Speaking of which, my blood pressure today was 115 / 77 - THAT is amazing, folks. I am normal for the first time in a long time. Must have something to do with the exercise and diet.

Imagine that.

HYC - Insanity...One Week Down

2009-08-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

I made it through week one of my "Insanity" workouts. Unbelievable. Frankly, I amazed even myself. And the fact that I got up this morning at 6:15AM to begin week TWO is even more amazing. I am totally motivated right now and can't explain it, other than I am tired of being chubby, unhealthy and uncomfortable with my body.

I suppose my motivation also comes from the fact that I've lost a few pounds, and I can absolutely TELL, yes I can, that I my cardiovascular abilities are already improving. Next Monday, I will do the Insanity "Fit Test," a test involving a series of soul-crushing, life-sucking exercises that make you want to lay down on the floor and scream (if you have the breath available and are not puking). I was not too "fit" on my first attempt, which obviously is expected. But I already know I will see improvement next week. When you work this hard every day, it is inevitable. There is no way around it. I WILL get healthier.

And I've decided that I want to be an EATER, damn it. The way I see it, there are two camps. There are people who exercise so that they can eat. And then there are those who don't want to exercise (or just don't DIG it, I guess) and don't seem to mind depriving themselves of food all the time. The whole deprivation thing is just not healthy for me - mentally. I would rather work my ass off six days a week, sweating and wheezing until I am practically crying, just so that if I want to have a latte and a scone or maybe a big cheeseburger on occasion, I don't have to worry. And I can eat plenty every day - plenty of healthy food that I love. I don't have to do the 1200 calorie a day thing. I don't have to freak out if someone gives me a sandwich with cheese on it. I don't have to "bring my own" gross diet dish while everyone else eats spaghetti and I just end up looking weird. I'm sorry but that is just a misery that I am not willing to bear anymore. Feh! Not going to do it. Done.

My diet this last week was for the most part, very clean. And strange thing is, I enjoyed it. If I am not being all militant about carbs, I am a pretty happy camper. If I can have awesome greek yogurt, berries, tomatoes and spinach, low fat dressing, chicken breasts and quinoa, and my favorite whole wheat english muffins with eggs and turkey, I am DAMNED happy. On Saturday, I made myself a very healthy, super thin crust pizza (two pieces only, mind you) with turkey pepperoni, part skim moz, tomatoes, peppers - it was fab, and less about 5oo calories for those two pieces. I realized that I can eat healthy, and still have most of the stuff that I truly enjoy.

I've been trying very hard to cut down on my artificial sweetener consumption - it was WAY out of control, in my opinion. I've been doing very well - I am using just regular sugar (cubes - I bought CUBES so that I wouldn't do any heaping tablespoons...) and I also bought that "Stevia In the Raw" just to try the bitter root out. Turns out the rumors are true - that stuff has a weird bitter aftertaste. But I soldier through... Or I just do part sugar, and one teaspoon of Splenda, as opposed to 3 teaspoons of Splenda or two packets of Sweet & Low, etc. It's working. And I am finding that things just really don't need to be so damned sweet.

Okay, that is all I know right now. Wish me luck as tomorrow is the "Pure Cardio" Insanity workout. One of the girls in the video actually almost throws up and a few of them lay down. It's a crazy series but don't worry - I am going at my own pace. And I feel GREAT.

Now I am off to buy some liver. Gross, I know, but I love it and I am in desperate need of IRON right now... TOM and all....

Bring the Insanity

2009-08-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

I recently got Beachbody.com's newest workout program, "Insanity." It features Shaun T (of "Hip Hop Abs" fame) yelling and sweating profusely with some of the most amazingly in shape people I've ever seen. (I have an admiring crush on Ariel, the fabulous blonde gal with abs of granite and an ass that you could balance an apple on, as in, it is like a SHELF jutting out from behind her). Shaun T works everyone to death, jumping around, flailing arms, rapid fire push ups, something totally evil called "suicides," the works - Even the people in the video crumple up onto the floor in exhaustion, take breaks, etc. It is mostly high intensity cardio circuits so far. It is a 60 day program. Tomorrow is Day 4. So far, despite the fact that I usually feel like I am dying 5 minutes into it, I am loving it. I just go A LOT slower than those crazy people. Truly, the work outs are INSANE. They named the program appropriately.

I've even been getting up in the morning to do it - that is big news, considering the fact that I hate dragging my ass out of bed for any reason. I've been eating well and taking care of myself, too. Wow - I can't believe I just wrote that. It's pretty rare that I am doing a lot of the right things for myself... I get scared because I am afraid that at any minute, something is going to happen and I am going to go back to feeling depressed and mired in my own self-loathing.

Feeling well (or dare I say "happy"?) always feels a little precarious to me, as if it is just a brief, temporary state that could escape me at any given moment, not to be seen again for years to come. I stand back and quietly admire the serenity inside of me the way an ice sculptor might examine his work - it is beautiful and grand and I am filled with satisfaction, but I am also sad because I know that the melting is inevitable, continuing until there is nothing but a pool of self-pity at my feet.

To help with these feelings, I am just working on the whole "one day at a time" concept. I don't need to worry about whether I will be happy tomorrow - I just need to focus on what I can do today to take care of myself. When I do those things, the happiness and serenity just sort of happen. And if something shitty happens during a day, I can continue to do the right things for myself, instead of getting pissed off and childishly saying to myself, "Well, if that's how it's going to be I might as well be how I've always been. There is no reason to change." I am embarassed to say this, but at 40 years old, I think I can positively say that I am beginning to grow up.

So back to the Insanity thing - I will be checking in here at least once a week with my results and a report on how it is going. I hope to live through the first week - so far the knees are holding up fine and my heart rate is staying under bursting point. If you are at all interested in learning more about any of Beachbody.com's programs, you should go by their website. My husband and I both use their programs (we don't belong to a gym at all - we work out at home) and I can say that we've been totally satisfied with every program - Turbo Jam, Hip Hop Abs, P90X, Slim in 6, and now Insanity. We've both gotten great results when we stick to the program and watch our nutrition. No, Beachbody doesn't pay me to write this - I just think they are a great company (even though they charge WAY too much for shipping...)

Have a great week!

Welcome Back, Stephanie!

2009-06-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's true - I've decided to do a post after a long hiatus. I've been busy, you know!

Instead of flogging myself repetitively, let me just say that I was having a pretty bad time of it back in February. I'm on a better path now, feeling better and trying to be a little nicer to myself overall. So no flogging and self-destructive talk right now. See how fucking positive I am?! (God will forgive that little slip up there, I am sure of it - I'm healing my blackened heart, after all...)

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday and it was a blast. We had good food, karaoke, "vintage" candies (I almost died when I discovered that hot tamales were considered a vintage candy) and just a really great time all around. My very best friend of 30 years came out to join in the fun. It was so wonderful to see her and to know that I still have such a great friend in her. I am also thrilled to be on the "recovery path" with her - we are both doing well, despite being off the "candy," as we call it. (Those of you who are my people know what I'm talkin' about).

I hope everyone in my little blog world is doing good. I will stop by to see all of my "girls," (that's you, Missie). As for my weight, well - it's high, but I feel good. I am just working on trying to appreciate my body for what it is and what it can do. So it is a little lumpy - feh, who cares?! I have been doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD and so far, I really like it. I also got Jillian's book, Winning By Losing. It is really good so far - very straight forward, just like her.

Well, I have to go prepare for a City Council meeting. The fun never stops here at Stephanie's place. Oh, and here is a new pic of me - Steph at 40. I wish I was wearing lipstick but it's not a bad photo. I am glad to see that I am free of the forehead lines, although those crow's feet could probably pick up and carry a few large tree limbs. Whoops - there I go being negative. What I meant to say was is, "DAMN, I AM ONE HOT MAMA!" Much better...

Evening Madness...Thoughts on Food and Toddlers

2009-02-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

I always get really "munchy" when we get home from work. It doesn't matter if I am not actually hungry - I just have the urge to graze on whatever happens to be on hand. I think it is just the combination of being tired, relieved to be home and comfortable, the stress of a three year old (his latest thing is "I HATE you, Mama...Go 'way!") and just trying to figure out what to do for the next several hours other than eating several pounds of food.

I am reading novels - that is somewhat helpful but I don't like reading until the kid is in bed - I just can't justify ignoring him for the little bit of time I get to see him in the evening. Well, actually, I CAN justify it, at least for 10 or 15 minutes, especially on the nights when I put him to bed and end up spending almost two hours trying to get him to shut his little pie hole and go to sleep.

The issues of disciplining a three year old are so...confusing (now that we're on the subject). I've definitely discovered that trying to yell louder than him or whacking his bottom isn't terribly effective. Sticking my tongue out back at him isn't so helpful, either. I mean, seriously, I do not lie when I say that I have done these things - I get so damned childish sometimes I can't believe I am almost 40!! If anyone has any suggestions for learning good discipline skills, I would love to hear them (c'mon, Missie, my only occasional guest - you must know of SOMETHING I can do). My mother-in-law recommended Dr. Dobson and I've looked a little at a book called Positive Discipline - Man, I need something FAST. Before I lose my mind!

Um, so - back to my original complaint - tonight I budgeted points for a snack and a WW ice cream - that is the best bet, really, to PLAN for the snacking and just eat a little less during the day. I like the new WW deal of using the weekly points first and then moving to the AP's. Ultimately, I will end up using less points because I won't be tempted to "blow" my 35 on a bingey day (like a Saturday, where I eat "what I want" and likely inhale at least 135 points, not 35) and then use the AP's on a daily basis during the week. We'll see how it works.

I am down today to 159.8. It is good to be back in the 150's, despite the fact that it's only by .2. I started at 163.6 so - I guess I've lost my water now! Am going skiing this weekend and hopefully next weekend so yay - those are 1000 calorie burn days so I should lose some pounds over the next couple of weeks, for sure. Good - I need to fit back into all of my pants and throw away these ugly old mom jeans I bought to "hold me over." Straight into the maternity box with you, I say!

HYC Check-In: A Fresh Start...AGAIN!

2009-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so - I am starting over again. I got a "little crazy" these last few months. Have not been myself - have been mistreating myself royally. As a result, I've gained back, uh, about 15 pounds. It is unfortunate but a reality I have to just face and then move to change. And I am ready to do it now.

In 17 weeks, I will be 40 years old. I am SO TIRED of being an unhappy mess. For years I have been out of sorts, wandering in and out of addictions that kill off my self-esteem and happiness, finding hope for awhile, and then getting sucked back under by that nasty part of me that wants to off me for good. Really - it's ugly stuff. Things are getting better here slowly lately, mostly because I am finally being HONEST with others about where I am and what I've been up to. I've learned that I will never get better if I am not honest with others and more importantly, myself. It just won't work.

My focus here in the near future is really just going to be overall improvement. Weight is one factor but there are a lot of other ways that I've let myself go, too. So the plan is to make small changes (instead of gigantic ones that overwhelm me) and try to slowly but surely start showing myself the respect that I am so certain others deserve but for whatever reason, I rarely show myself.

The typical dieter in me says "I'm going to be fabulous by my 40th!!" That would be cool, but that is not the ultimate goal. I want to be HAPPY, even if that means that I will still have a little muffin top or a permanent dent of cellulite on my thigh.

Cool stuff going on - Still loving Curves (doing it with my new fun friend, Krista), reading the Twilight series and totally digging it, the firm is doing well enough and despite a lot of spats recently, I am feeling nicer toward my husband. That's always good, you know.

Have a great week, everyone.

I Couldn't Help Myself...

2009-02-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

To all of my friends and family who don't believe that lawyers are funny or truthful:

I got a letter from this stupid collection agency recently trying to collect on a $52 bill from our idiot cable providers, Bresnan. So – I sent them a letter of representation from our firm (on our firm letterhead) telling them that we disputed it. I get a letter back from them telling me that I need to have a signed authorization from Justin establishing that we are allowed to represent him - WE - as in OUR law firm. So I sent them this note, with his signature. SEE BELOW – and don’t miss his signature oath, which is really the best part.

S.P. Brockett
CMI / Credit Management, LP

RE: Justin B. / Bresnan Communications

Dear Mr. Brockett:

This letter is in response to your letter dated January 27, 2009, regarding your need for a signed authorization from Justin B. On behalf of our long-term and trusted client, Justin B. (who also happens to be an OWNER of the firm, along with his long-term and trusted wife, Stephanie, yours truly), we wish to supply you with such signed authorization and assurance that Mr. B. has requested our services.

By the genuine handwritten signature that you will note below, Mr. B. grants his own law firm, K. & B., PC, the exclusive right to represent him in this high stakes case surrounding the alleged non-payment of a cable services bill from the notorious and often-maligned monster cable conglomerate, Bresnan Communications. We certainly hope that you find this authorization to be a shining beacon of staunch authenticity, burgeoning with the hallowed hallmarks of veracity and truth, such as real live blue ink and a notary seal from our long-term and trusted paralegal, Ms. M.

Should you have any further concerns or comments, please feel free to contact us here at the K. & B. law firm.

Sincerely,

Stephanie B.

YEA, I do so solemnly swear and abide that I have granted my own law firm and, in particular, my lovely wife, Stephanie B., permission to represent me in the above-referenced matter. Hear ye, my CMI brothers and sisters, as my voice ringeth forth over the blue waters of truth and fortitude, now and forever after shall your troubled hearts rest in the peaceful, comforting knowledge that even a lawyer tells the truth on occasion.

__________________________________________________
Justin B.

We included a notary seal, too, for good measure.

How's that for some attitude?

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it finally got here. The last several weeks have been a bit of a blur but I suppose it is that way for a lot of people, right? Several things have been accomplished in the past month or so and here they are:

1. K & B - The Firm: Yes, it's true. I am now the owner of a law firm. My husband and I purchased the firm, effective January 1 and we are now the official honchos (although our paralegal Sally might say otherwise - I call her "Boss.") It has been stressful, getting to this point, and will be even more stressful over the next 4 months as we help the previous owner "transition" his way into retirement.

2. Curves Whore: I am an official Curves whore - I love the place. The gal who runs it is a chatty kathy and we just yack our heads off while I run around and sweat. I go during my work day which totally rocks because then I don't have to stress all day long about getting it done later that night, after I put the kid down because let's face it - I hate working out at night and will look for any excuse not to. And it breaks up my day. I am thrilled to find something I truly enjoy.

3. Dropped an Obligation to Focus on ME: I have had a heavy heart for quite awhile about a church obligation (a ministry, in fact) that I have been leading for about 2.5 years. It is a Christ-centered recovery group. Problem is, my family (as in my husband, his parents and soon, his sister and her family) has left the church and I feel highly inclined to join them. I have been torn for a long time about how to continue the recovery group while joining a new church. Also, my own recovery has suffered over the past year and I've not been able (or maybe "willing" would be a better word) to do what it takes to get my head together. So a change has been made - I told my co-leader last night that I am leaving the church (as in, a full, clean break) and that I will be a participant in the meeting but not a leader. As a result of that discussion, we have decided to make some big changes to the group that will enable the co-leader to continue with it and, hopefully, make it a more fulfilling program for everyone. And me, well - I am going to get a sponsor and do some real work on myself this year.

That's my stuff for now. I have gained over 10 pounds so am around 159-ish. Not happy about that but not being crazy about it, either. It will come off and I move forward in what I hope is a happier and more honest way in 2009. Here are some funny pics to admire...

Here we are, the K & P Team. Below, our fancy professional head shots...

Justin, the sexy beast that he is...

And then me, of course...looking eerily similar to one of my good friends, Santana...

And then here are me and Justin, the cute couple...and our even cuter son, Wyatt!

Happy New Year to Everyone! May 2009 be a great one for all of us - even Barrack Obama!

HYC Check In - Plugging Along

2008-12-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a long while since I've done an entry. I get so caught up in my life stuff. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing of any use. Just vegging out, feeling sorry for myself, unfocused. Gaining weight. Bleh.

One good thing I've done for myself in the past week - I joined Curves, and I really enjoy it. I also recently signed up for Weight Watchers again - this time I just did the online thing. I am trying to get my head back on straight. Things are just really stressful right now and I am not making very good choices about taking care of myself.

I hope everyone is doing good out there - I guess the HYC Challenge is almost over, isn't it? Hmmm. I am heavier now than I was when I started. Not so healthy me. Oh well - the new year is coming! I really hope to have another baby this next year. 2009 is going to be a big one, I can tell - lots of challenges and dramas but hopefully, lots of good stuff, too.

HYC Check In - Hanging In There

2008-11-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hey all - It's been a crazy week. I've dealt with a puking toddler, a husband with what appears to be a freaking flesh-eating mange of some kind, my own puking sickness - what a mess. And to top it all off, my son woke me at 2AM this morning "mama, mama" and I discovered that he had thrown up all over in his crib. He has been barfing like this on and off for a week now, but has no fever and no other malaise at all. The kid is FINE, except when his "baby" hurts. (My sister-in-law's pregnancy got Wyatt started calling his tummy his "baby" so now he tells me that his baby has an owie).

I just have to say, though, that last night, in the midst of my bleary-eyed vomit-scraping and wiping duties, I fell in love with my son again, like I do over and over. You know, motherhood can be such a struggle - you love them so much, but then they swat you in the face or throw food across the room or just act like a crazy banshee at Costco while waiting in the line at the pharamacy and you want to THROTTLE them. You actually feel pissed off at them, as if they are intentionally being bratty to ruin your day (how mature we are...sigh). When you put them down to bed at night, you sometimes breath a gigantic sigh of relief because whew! what a relief to be done with all drama. But then, so quickly it seems, those feelings of anger or frustration are replaced by love - such an intense love, I can hardly stand it and just want to eat him up, he is so cute.

Last night I had taken all of his clothes off and had him laying on the little couch in his room, naked and tucked under a towel and I sat down next to him. I stroked his face and hair and he just looked up at me with the sweetest, most adorable look in his eyes and I could really see his neediness, his dependence, on me, his mother. He looked at me as if I was a superhero, a superhero that he thought the world of. It was only for a few seconds, that moment, but it just burned that image into my mind.

Later, after I cleaned up all the barf and yuck, I set up camp on the floor next to his crib (yes, we are almost to converting the crib to a bed, any day now as he is almost 3) and he reached through the bars for my hand and said, "I wuh you, Mama." Could you just melt? I didn't care that I had just spent the last hour picking up partially-digested green beans and gummi bears. I didn't care that I was laying on our itchy carpet with an old comforter partially over me and totally uncomfortable. Nothing mattered except making sure that my son was comfortable and that he knew that I loved him more than anything else in the world. And this morning, when he woke up and saw me sleeping there, he said, "Mama? Mama?" I said "Yes" and he said, "I wuh you, Mama." It reassured me and made me believe that the actions I take when he is upset or sick or having a hard time are making an impact and that he feels the love. Sometimes, being a mom is just GRAND.

As for my weight, well - I'm hanging in. Not really dieting, per se, but at least not on full tilt feeding frenzy. Have compiled a list of all of my favorite foods and am currently calculating calories and points for all of them so that when I do begin in earnest, I can eat what I LIKE. Strangely, I had never really taken the time to actually document what I like to eat. You'll be amazed how a lot of healthy things end up on that list! Hope everyone has a great week.

Not So Healthy You - Oh Well...

2008-10-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've been not so great this past week. I think I gained, like - at least 5 pounds. Haven't weighed. My husband has been away and of course that means I can EAT whatever I want so uh, I HAVE. I am crazy. Oh well - not beating myself up about it. Forget it. Just get back on the horse, damn it.

I am considering re-joining WW. Am going to look for a meeting that is in the same town I work in. Hope everyone is doing great. I am very excited that my sister-in-law just had a baby - did an entry on my other blog, Breck Family Circus, with pictures. We are so happy for her.

Also, I JUST got a new writing gig for a website called http://www.undercoverlawyer.com. I have an "undercover" name, too. All you have to do to figure out my secret name is determine what name you would call someone if you couldn't remember that their actual name was Stephanie. Seriously, people have called me by this name for AGES. It never fails when they can't remember my real name. Anyway, I am excited to have this writing opportunity. My first article is entitled "Avoiding the Axe, Part 1." All of my articles will be aimed at employees and different workplace situations. If it is helpful for anyone, FABULOUS.

Have a good week. My husband comes home tomorrow, thank God. Must stop the eating frenzy.

Stop the Insanity!! (Isn't that a Diet, too?)

2008-10-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

I've hit a wall of sorts, it seems. In my quest to lose this last bit of weight, I have allowed myself to become, shall we say, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OVERWHELMED by the absolute glut of diet and exercise information floating around the Internet and elsewhere. I am so confused at this point that I have reached the critical and dangerous state of analysis paralysis. Bottom line, I don't have a clue what to do anymore.

How to eat, how to EAT, for GOD's SAKE?? Do I go low carb? Low fat? Restrict calories? Count points? Combine certain foods? Do a liquid diet? Eat only grapefruits and tabasco sauce? Or was it oranges and maple syrup? Sugar Busters? Low Glycemic? Protein Power? South Beach? Atkins? Jenny? Nutrisystem? Medifast? And then, do I take supplements? Vitamins? Diet pills? Fat melters? Carb blockers? Hoodia? (That word always seems a little dirty to me, as in "keep your hands off my hoodia, bro" or something to that effect). Do I go vegetarian? How about the caveman diet? What about a lacto-ovo vegetarian? Or a vegan? Or (this was a new one for me) a "flexitarian"? (I guess this is someone who eats fish and chicken but still considers themselves to be a member of the vegetarian group - yeah, I don't get it, either). I mean, how does one decide how to eat amidst so many competing theories and lifestyles and, let's face it, DIETS? I can't do it - I am at a loss.

And then what about exercise? Do I do an hour of cardio at medium intensity? Do I do bursts of high intensity work with little bouts of rest in between? Do I jog? Power walk or just regular walk? Lift weights? Do pushups? Do sit ups? Crunches? Taebo? The Firm? Turbo Jam? Hip Hop Abs? P-90 X? Jillian Michaels? Reebok Step? (Who remembers THAT bad ass video with the high stepping aerobic goddesses wearing feathers and puka shells?) Walk Away the Pounds? Richard Simmons? Debbie Siebers? The Ab Blaster? Treadmill or stairmaster? Elliptical or ski machine? Get a trainer or do it myself? Go to the gym or do it at home? ARGH!

My brain has simply reached bursting point - I am SICK of all the f-ing options. Everytime I think, "okay, I think I've found something that will work for me," I get started for a bit, then I read something about how THIS is the way to do it, THIS is the way to eat and I change things up, only to get derailed again in a few weeks by MORE information.

So with all of this complaining, you probably think I don't have a solution. Well, I have some idea of a possible solution. I am going to start at square one, I think, and ask myself - What do I LIKE to eat? What do I LIKE to do for exercise? (Sitting on couch and lifting chips to mouth does not count here). My intentions for this week include making a list of the foods that I really enjoy - and it will include "good" and "bad" foods, but without those labels. I will also make a list of the exercise stuff I enjoy doing. You know, I've found that there actually ARE exercise things I like doing - that's pretty amazing for a lazy chick like me who got F's in P.E. One of my favorite things lately is jumping rope - who knew?

In any event, this is where I am this week. I don't know what I weigh and frankly, I am not worried about it right now. I am going to try to simply make good food choices this week based on the things I like and follow suit with the exercise. It's an experiment for me, and requires that I let go of the outcome. I will report on my findings.

A New Method? Not Really...

2008-10-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

I reached an unacceptable weight this past week (and the pants were just, uh, a little too tight) and decided, "whoa, enough is enough." I decided to try and go back to what worked for me many years ago - a modified low carb. Basically, no sugar, no bread, and no pasta or rice. For a long while. So far, I've lost 3 pounds and feel pretty good. Am exercising (trying to do more interval training instead of long-winded aerobic marathons) and drinking my water. So it's all good right now. I am pretty pressed for time today and so I just wanted to be sure and update this damned blog so nobody is worried or sending me "what's wrong?" emails...(although I love the idea that people out there in cyberworld really care about me!) The other day I wrote a comment so long on someone else's blog I wished I had written it here as an entry. Perhaps another day...Today, I've got to jam. Have a good week, all!

Pressured to Produce...And it Worked

2008-09-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sitting here and it is damned late and I was just screwing off on the Internet and HAPPENED to look at my blog and I saw that someone added a comment on my last entry and I see it is MIZFIT who is all, like - "SO?" As in, where is that entry you promised to do...ahem? Thanks, chick...I really was planning to just pack it in and call it a night. My kid is in bed (FINALLY), my husband went out to drink beer with his brother (THANK GOD) and I am sitting here on the couch with the main menu of SpongeBob Squarepants' "Bikini Bottom Adventures" playing over and over and over as I peruse the Internet for some form of entertainment. All's I gotta say is...You Tube is completely overrated, although I am fond of the Ghetto Gumby clip that I have watched repetitively and memorized lines from.

I had a long day. I had a settlement conference with a client - it settled, but it sucked, as far as I'm concerned. And it's not about money, it's about assholes. But I digress...I had an okay week, not so great on the exercise front and I probably ate more than my fair share of everything. My husband and I are driving to Butte, MT tomorrow night to go to the State Bar Convention (yes, it sounds incredibly boring) so I won't really be able to exercise much and I am sure he will be trying to do that special form of "exercise" that all husbands seem to want to do whenever they get near a hotel room, sans child. Mmm hmmm - can't wait for that. I am just feeling a bit blah this week..,. sorry. Good thing I will see the headshrinker tomorrow morning, though I guess I will just be faking my way through that shit, just like I do most things. Eeeew, get off the pity pot, NOW. I command me.

So yesterday on Mizfit's website she talked about the abundance diet concept - you know, if you fill your cupboards with all of your forbidden foods, you will eventually tire of them and relax about it and stop obsessing - I am sure I'm not explaining it nearly as good as her so maybe you should just go to her site. I have no f-ing idea how to do a little "click here" link thing so, uh - good luck finding her. Go into my comments on my last entry and click on her name - how's that for guidance? I never said I was an Internet genius, okay? ANYWAY - it got me to thinkin' about that concept and how if I stocked my cabinets with, say, pop tarts and chocolate chip cookies and whole milk and frozen pizzas and Coke Classic and God only knows what else I would come up with, would I REALLY just eat that for weeks on end or would I eventually return to eating more healthful things? And THAT got me to thinkin' about why I overeat, how I overeat and why I feel there are forbidden foods in the first place.

I'm an emotional eater. When I am pissed off, I will eat AT something - usually my husband, who is generally always "concerned" for me and my extra 20 pounds. (Never mind the f-ing fact that I've LOST over 50). If I am upset or angry about something, stressed out, tired - whatEVER - I will eat in response. Another bad habit - if there is something "bad" in the house and I have the opportunity (read - he is not there or not watching) I will eat it just...because I have that opportunity. How stupid is that?

But if I actually filled the pantry with stuff I love, would I just blow up like a giant, used-car lot balloon? I don't know, really. It is scary to even contemplate. The thing is, though, even if there is fairly healthy stuff, like decent cereal and skim milk, for example - I will still intentionally overeat that stuff when I am upset. So - I don't know that it really matters WHAT is in the cupboards. It is more like what is in my HEAD. Although I must say that there are currently two Hershey Bars in my pantry and there used to be four - things like that tend to call my name louder than oatmeal or hummus, you know?

I don't know if that was much use to anyone but I wanted to muse about it a bit and so...there you go. Okay, everyone have a good week and I will try to be nicer to myself. And not eat too much crap at the Bar Convention, though I doubt there will be much good shit there. I will try not to die of boredom, surrounded by my endlessly fascinating colleagues. Wish me luck. I may be so bored I do another blog entry. How novel.

HYC Check In - Am Fine...Still Flabby

2008-09-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hello, fellow blogsters - let's give a big warm welcome back to ME!!!! And thanks to those of you who have expressed concern as to my brief hiatus from blogging - well, I guess it was more like two months. That's not so brief, now, is it? Well, shit, I've just been BUSY. Busy overeating, busy not working out, busy wasting time - you know, THAT kind of busy. The kind of busy when one just doesn't really feel like doing a lot of self-examination and reflection - the DENIAL kind of busy. The busy that you just keep buzzing away at until one day you pull on your jeans and you realize that your ass has expanded so much that you can't walk comfortably, seeings as the seam of your jeans is digging into your unmentionables.

Yeah, so - anyway, that's where I am at. And not very happy about it but hey - I'm back and at least thinking about taking better care of myself again so... that's progress in my book. Last night I even washed my face. So there - total self-improvement is just inches beyond my grasp, I can tell.

As described above, my pants are tight, which means I've definitely put a few pounds on the old keester. I've not been wanting to wear my fancy jeans (translation: jeans I would have never paid that much money for but since they were a gift from my parents I am fine wearing them) because I get that dreaded sausage-like overhang at the hip (also known as "muffin top" or "bra sausage" when found on the upper body) and feel like I have to wear extremely long shirts to keep those fleshy ledges under wraps. I used to complain about the long length of tee shirts lately but this past weekend I found myself admiring the long tops at Target and appreciating their fat-covering qualities. I knew it then - I was expanding and compensating for it, rather than saying "WTF! Drop the fork!"

I probably weigh about 153, I would venture to guess. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and confirm the awful truth. Actually, you know, it's not awful - it just is what it is. At least it's not 200 - that is a number I NEVER want to see again, and I am nowhere near it so - phew! Sometimes I think about all of the weight I've lost and I think, "Jeez, it used to be 70 to lose - now I have only 20 to lose - I know I can do it, as I've already done it twice plus 10 so - what's the damned problem?" Commitment. Dedication. Not being a lazy ass or making excuses to eat crap I shouldn't. I am under no illusions. This is my deal - nobody else's. I just need to decide and do it.

Okay, so - Hope everyone has a great week and I promise to be back here next week. I will drink my water and eat my protein and uh, NOT eat crap. Oh - and I will exercise at least 3 times. Sometimes making those mini-goals are all I can manage. Like I said, it's all progress in the right direction - self-care. I'm not very good at that, but I am glad that I can see it now, and acknowledge it, and try to do better.

Alright - I am going to wash my face now. Two days in a row...it's almost a habit.

HYC Check-In / The WHY of Emotional Eating - Do We Really HAVE to Know?

2008-06-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and the comments of other readers often, usually on a daily basis. There is a recurrent issue that I see pop up and it has recently begun to bug me - like, make me want to write long comments and risk the wrath of other commenters who think I am being mean and awful and uncaring. Well, damn it, this is MY blog and I am just going to say this stuff because it helps ME - if you don't like what I say, well - it's been nice having you visit.

So here's the issue... Why, if we are here to help each other, do I read so many comments that actually ENABLE destructive eating and inaction toward reaching goals? For example - One blogger that I read often is really having a struggle with "getting back on track." She is intentionally overeating and is gaining back her weight - slowly, but it's happening. She continues to spiral, though she claims to remain positive in the face of her own ruthless self-sabotage. The comments are positive, of course - supportive and loving, to some degree. But nobody says what needs to be said. Instead, people suggest that she should take time to find out WHY she is doing this to herself. Strip your soul bare, figure out what makes you want to overeat, analyze your feelings and somehow, that is going to make this woman completely change her life patterns and stop trashing herself. My question is, does it really matter WHY she is doing it? To me, the answer is to STOP doing it, not become stagnant as you wallow around in the mire of feelings and emotions. Those nasty things will adhere to your ankles and keep pulling you under until you just give up the fight. Taking a stand against yourself is a lot harder than simply giving in and letting the waves of self-pity and doubt drown you.

Now before you start calling me a big ol' bitch, just consider this - Sometimes we really NEED someone to say "Snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself." And sometimes, that someone HAS to be us - because nobody else is going to give us the cold, hard truth - at least not in your blog comments. A really good friend MIGHT do it but even then... usually not. I believe that we don't give that cold truth to people because we don't want to hear it ourselves. We want life to be nice and simple and wow, if only I find out WHY I make such screwed up decisions by reading the right book or getting the right therapist or joining the right group or finding the right religious belief THEN I will have the answer and all will suddenly be RIGHT. I will be FIXED. And then life will be PERFECT. It's just another pipe dream, though - just because you find out WHY you act a certain way is not going to stop you from acting that way.

I know this from experience because I am an alcoholic and have been living with this internal fight for a very long time. WHY I drink or WHY I am an alcoholic, while important, is not what keeps me from drinking. I've known why I am an alcoholic for many, many years but that did not stop me from nearly destroying my entire life and the lives of others around me. I have to actively make choices to take care of myself every single day and that requires work - it requires accountability, responsibility, and discipline. Because I tell you, if I just sat around wondering why I was a lush all the time (and I did, for YEARS) I would just keep getting drunk. Thinking too much is what keeps alcoholics drinking - at least this alcoholic. I KNOW that I drink because of things that happened to me in the past but I can't dwell on those things if I am going to live a good life. I acknowledge those things but I don't waste time hanging out with them. Action (and a lot of prayer) is how I get out of myself and my feelings. Feelings are not facts - that has been a hard lesson for me and one that I have to keep re-digesting.

For me, the weight loss process is very similar to my alcoholism because I am an emotional eater. I eat to escape my feelings, just like I drink to escape feelings. I don't see the two being very different, at least for me. So when I see people advising others to sit and ponder their weight problem or why they are sabotaging themselves or whatever, I just get the urge to scream "Stop now, before your life passes you by!" Don't think about it too long or before you know it, you will be 40, 50, 60, 70, whatever and the best years of your life will have been spent on examining the WHY, without taking action toward the WHY NOT. Don't stagnate - don't be caught in analysis paralysis. Take ACTION. And you just might find, as I have, that a lot of the WHY is actually discovered during action.

Have a great week, everyone.

HYC Check In: Can't Complain!

2008-06-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sure I could come up with something to complain about but my title has to do with the fact that I am just not feeling very disgruntled or unhappy right now - what a shocker! I saw my headshrinker this morning and he said that I appeared to be doing very good. Well hey - thanks! I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I am being good to myself, eating all kinds of fruits and vegetables and working out to Turbo Jam into the wee hours of the night. Last night it was 9:30PM and all I wanted to do was drag my ass into bed but NO - instead, I dragged my ass downstairs and did 43 minutes of high-intensity cardio. THEN I had a WW ice cream and went to bed. Now that is the way to end a day.

I had lost 2 pounds when I weighed in on Saturday, so I am at 148, officially. I'm trying not to weigh in at all on my own scale and just stick to what I see at WW. I find that I am incredibly disciplined during the week with food and exercise but then, well - Saturday and Sunday get a little hairy and I have not TRACKED during those days for the last two weeks. Still, I've lost 3.2 since getting back to business at WW so - just think of what I could do if I actually kept track of stuff on the weekends! Perhaps that will be a goal this weekend - or perhaps not. Today I am not feeling especially pressured to lose it fast - tomorrow I could feel totally different!

I think we have finally found a new house to rent, as the one that we are currently living in is being sold. We were going to buy but I tell you those lenders are tight as HELL right now and we couldn't get approved for what we want so - we are just going to rent again. Nice thing is, we found a gorgeous, brand new house for rent so - that's fine with me! I really don't mind renting, despite all of the hype about home ownership being the shit and all. I've owned two homes and neither one of them really did me any good! We will buy eventually but for now... it's rent city. And in keeping with my current laid back attitude, that's cool... But this all means I will be having to pack up all my crap within the next month. Ugh.

Hope everyone is doing great at HYC!

HYC Check In - It's All Good

2008-06-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

My test results came back okay - well, I mean, okay as in - I'm not dying of cancer! Apparently it was a good thing that they did this particular type of biopsy because there was some moderate to severe dysplasia that was traveling up my cervix toward the uterus but the biopsy was significant enough to remove it all. There are a few other bits I could share but eew, gross - let's just say I am good for now. I will have another pap in 4 months and see what's up. If the dysplasia cells are not back, I will be in the clear to begin trying to conceive again. Yay! Now I can just concentrate on shrinking my butt instead.

Went to WW on Saturday - lost 1.2 so not too bad but I think it should have been more. That's just my personal thought and all - I don't care what my body thinks, that is what I, my BRAIN, thinks. I have been working my buns off to the Turbo Jam DVDs. Man, that Punch, Kick and Jam one is a KILLER - I mean, I am absolutely dripping the sweat - and I am in pretty good shape! Anyone who says Turbo Jam "didn't work" wasn't doing something right!

I have been perusing the WW chat boards lately and I am always amazed to see some of the comments. Recently someone asked for some DVD recommendations and of course, I recommended Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam because both have given me great results. I checked back later to see what other folks had said and at least two people said that Hip Hop Abs "didn't work" for them. One of the women actually said that she'd done it "twice" and it didn't help her abs so she wasn't using it and wouldn't recommend it. OMG, people - it is not an INSTANT life change these videos offer - you actually have to use them consistently for WEEKS and MONTHS to see positive, long term results. It just cracks me up how we are often seeking such instant gratification or satisfaction from things - myself included much of the time! I want to take a pill or read a book and be instantly changed forever for the good - I am looking for the SECRET, you know? But hey - I found out that there is no secret, at least to losing weight. Eat less, move more - that's how it works. Simple, but very difficult at the same time.

Anyway - enough from me. My HYC Check in is EARLY. I can't believe it. Hope everyone is doing great.

HYC Check In - Doing Okay Today

2008-06-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well, the surgery went fine. And frankly, it was no big deal. I really have not had any significant pain (tylenol and/or ibuprofen took care of it) and I was out shopping for clothes with my mom the very next day.

I am still waiting to hear if the pathology people Found Anything. It has been 5 business days, guys - Hell-O! Part of me is absolutely certain they are going to tell me everything is fine, come back for another lovely pap smear in 3 months, blah blah blah. Another part of me is certain that I will hear I have cancer and have to have an immediate hysterectomy and chemo. There is no middle ground in my mind! However, I will try to contain my morbid thoughts until I hear the official word which should be any time now. I have a follow up appointment scheduled for next Wednesday so perhaps they are waiting to spread the joy until next week? Hmmm...

In other news, I am "back in the saddle" on the weight loss front. I am back to 148, after a brief visit to 152. Am working out like a mad woman and tracking my WW points religiously. My goal (yes, I have actually set a goal this time - like ON PAPER, even) is to be at goal by July 12. That is six weeks - I know I can do it. I am tired of messing around. PLUS - now that I've had this surgery, I can't get pregnant for at least 4 months, possibly more, so why not use that time to get in the best shape of my life? My husband is talking about going on an amazing vacation to the British Virgin Islands in October so I would like to look amazing for that little event. I've got the time here to do it so - I just need to get off my ass and do it.

Will keep all posted on the cervical drama and my weekly WW weigh in on Saturday. I go at the ungodly hour of 7:30AM on Saturdays - not because it fits my schedule best or is convenient or any of that - I want to be able to weigh right as I get out of bed and before I take in a drop of liquid. I don't know how people can STAND to weigh in in the evening! It would drive me nuts. Anyway - that's what's going on for me today. Living one day at a time....

HYC Check In / Trying to Be SANE Today

2008-05-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Turns out I am having my little womanly surgery next Wednesday, May 28. Eeeew! I am not looking forward to it at all but a part of me is relieved to be having it done sooner rather than later. I am wavering between sadness and fear - back and forth, back and forth. Of course I am scared that they might find something awful in there but even more, I am afraid that having the surgery itself may make having another baby a problem.

I've done a lot of reading about these cone biopsies and have certainly read plenty of positive outcomes for people so - I am just focusing on living one day at a time instead of catastrophizing everything and in my mind. If I let myself, I can work myself up into a full-fledged scenario of me, in a hospital bed, fading off into death at a mere 39 years old...I know, I can't keep being so negative but hey, you know what? That shit happens. Until I receive the news after the surgery, however, I will do my best to maintain a postive attitude. Screw you, you nasty little abnormal dysplasia cell a-holes. Go away - we don't need you here!

On the health front... I've gained a few pounds. The jeans are feeling a mite bit tight today... It's only about 3 or 4 pounds but still - I'm disappointed. Of course, I knew I would gain weight because HELLO - I'm doing plenty of emotional eating - but it still sucks to see those numbers on the scale. What I NEED to do is to just make sure I am exercising - I've had a bad attitude about that lately, too. If only I could take care of myself the way that I try to take care of others. I would be so healthy and in fantastic shape!

Signing off now - my husband has some special thing planned for us tonight and will be here any time now. We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are doing it tonight, instead. Of course, I am hoping it is an amazing meal of some kind!! Some things never change.

The News...Not So Great

2008-05-13T09:27:00.001-07:00

I talked to my GYN this morning - I have to have the cone biopsy AND and D & C. SHIT! I am not happy about this at all, naturally. And it's not really the surgery or even the possibility of having cancer that bugs me - it's more the fact that this might just interfere with my ability to have another child. All this lollygagging around, "waiting" to lose weight - I surely hope I have not lost my chance to have another child.

Okay, so WHOA - we aren't really there yet, are we? I haven't been told I have cancer or that I have to have a hysterectomy or anything. They just want a piece of my cervix and the chance to scrape it out a little. Gross - glad I will be asleep for all of this cutting and scraping business. Anyway - just thought I should write about it instead of just sitting here crying intermittently about it. Bottom line is that I would gladly have all of the womanly parts removed if it meant being alive for my son in the future. So there. The surgery will be in about 4 to 6 weeks. I'm sure I will have plenty to say about it over the next several weeks.

HYC Check-In / Stress Central

2008-05-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am feeling quite stressed out this week. Tons of work to do, a hearing next week, finding out about financing on our "almost" new house, finding out if I have to have another nasty GYN procedure - so much fun stuff, I can just hardly stand it. Oh, and my son fell and smashed his nose on our deck so I am also stressing about his potential broken nose and how he is going to look like some crooked-faced boxer for the rest of his life. Right now the skin around his eyes is turning a lovely shade of purply-red-black and he has a gigantic scab on the bridge of his nose. He is so brave, though - he just points to his nose and says stoically - "Owie, Mama, owie." I, on the other hand, am filled with a general sense of fear and dread most hours of the day lately.

I am trying to stay positive and trying to make a few positive choices for myself - for example, today I am making a conscious effort to drink all of my water. And I plan to take a walk/run later this afternoon, provided that the weather holds. It has been raining quite a bit lately but at least it has stopped snowing, for crying out loud! I don't think the weather here realizes that it is ALMOST SUMMER - hello?!! Shorts? Tank tops? Flip-flops? I tried to buck the system the other day and defiantly wore my flip flops - a real mistake when it is 32 degrees outside. I found out quickly that socks and close-toed shoes are a much better choice for spring in Siberia (I mean, Montana).

My health is, according to the recent stats taken at the GYN, pretty damned good, other than my apparently abnormal cervix cells. My BP is fantastic still and my weight is, well - one hell of a lot better than it was two years ago!! It is amazing to think that I weighed 200 pounds when I started this whole weight loss journey. Do I still have some to lose - yeah, but it still feels really good when a nurse or doctor looks at my chart and says "Wow, you've really lost a lot of weight!"

I have a weight loss pattern. I tend to lose some and then stagnate for awhile. My mental state is usually this - I am happy that I've lost (say, for example, 20 pounds) and then stay at that weight for awhile, feeling good about the accomplishment. I am thinking - damn, I look good. Then, inevitably, I start to feel unhappy with where I am - not satisfied, not finished with the journey. So I lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then - the stagnation kicks in again - I feel good, look better, etc., and then the cycle begins again. So right now, I am at my last point of stagnation - I can really only lose about 10 or 15 more - that would put me right in the healthy and fabulous zone. I am just waiting for Motivation to get here - I wish she would hurry up - I am getting sick of waiting for her ass.

I am not feeling especially bad right now about my weight, though. I am just taking some time to simply exist and get through the next couple of months, which are bound to be stressful. I can just hang out here at this weight for another summer (which wouldn't be the end of the world) or I can take some immediate action and drop the last 10 or so - having such a focus right now might actually help the stress and obsessing about things I cannot control. So I will just consider these options and report back later. Also, when I hear from the GYN (which should be today) I will update with my prognosis. I am hopeful that my cervix will turn out to be perfectly average and normal. For once, I prefer to just be an average chick.