Stark Raving Flab

Keeping It Simple But It Ain't Easy

2011-03-09T15:10:00.000-08:00

I'm back (waiting for applause now...) Oh wait, that's right - nobody reads my blog!! That's cool - I am here mostly to blow off steam and talk about my body and weight issues with, uh, myself.

So I am DOING it. I'm not just talking about losing weight or wishing I was losing weight or telling people I am "dieting" while sneaking huge piles of snacks when nobody is looking - I am actually doing it. I am down 26 pounds since my last entry. I am currently 154 lbs., down from 180. I've got 19 more to go to 135 and I am definitely going to get there. It just takes time.

Time and discipline. If I have learned anything in the last several months it is that you have to WANT to lose weight and DECIDE that you're going to do it. I had to make a decision. And that's the key. That's the big secret, everyone, just so you know, and you got it FREE right here on my blog. It really is that simple, but it is not EASY. And that is what people (me, included) want it to be - easy. Well, it's not, so get over it and get real. I did, and it's payin' off!

I didn't say it was fun, either. Hey, I don't like going to bed hungry. I don't like not getting to have a Blizzard at DQ when everyone else does. I don't like eating salad when everyone else is enjoying penne pasta with meat sauce. But I tell you what I do like - I like sliding comfortably into tight, expensive jeans. I like exercising effortlessly and not feeling like a winded elephant clomping around my workout room. I like turning men's heads. Frankly, I love feeling beautiful. And strong and capable of doing whatever the hell I want. It is worth the sacrifices (most of the time!) and the struggle.

And I reassure myself that it will not always be so drastic. I realized that the weight loss phase had to be extremely disciplined - almost militant. Reason is, I already had a lot of healthy eating habits (love vegetables, hummus, lean meats, etc.) but I was not able to lose weight because I was eating too many calories and not getting enough exercise. Another big secret I decided to accept - it really is about calories in, calories out. I know, you had no idea, but it's true - at least for me. And yes, I know, some calories are better than others and some calories will make you feel much better than other calories (for example, chicken breast v. Pop Tart...you decide which one makes you feel better...) but ultimately, it comes down to the caloric content of what I put in my mouth, period.

And another great bit of wisdom I decided to accept recently - Having a strong and healthy (and good looking, let's be real here) body is about 80% what you put in your mouth and 20% what you do physically. Now that's for us normal people, of course, not Olympic athletes (I still hate Michael Phelps for getting to eat 50,000 calories a day or whatever it was). If I want my body to change, I must change what and how much I eat on a daily basis. These are all simple truths that I had to accept but of course, acceptance is one thing and execution is another.

But I'm executing and it's working today, though some days are downright miserable. For example, the last few days I was at a plateau and was feeling ready to throw in the towel and go to 5 Guys Burgers & Fries. Fuck it, I wanted to say, I am EATING. But instead of 5 Guys, I decided to first look at what I was eating (chicken, chicken and more chicken - oh, and cucumbers and peppers!) and then make some changes to try and ward off the boredom. So I went out and bought myself some big ass king crab legs. That's right, you heard me. And I got some shrimp (nice ones, mind you) and a lobster tail to boot. I am worth it, I told myself, and maintaining my sanity (as opposed to obsessing about greasy burgers) became a top priority. I learned something new and learned how to cook something new and what do you know - I did not feel so miserable. And I discovered that the squirting fake butter is pretty damned good when the buckets of drawn butter are not an option.

So the crab legs rocked (and the crab leg meat I had for lunch today was amazing - cold crab is my new passion, I think) and I broke the plateau, losing a pound. Hallelujah, I say - and tonight it's the shrimp and some boiled cabbage, another bizzare thing I've come to adore in my quest for health. I know I will soon tire of the shellfish and then it will be something else, like that frozen buffalo steak I spied in my freezer this morning. I try to just take it one day at a time, instead of thinking about how LONG I have to go on dieting, blah blah blah. Each day is new and I do my best. If we keep it simple, it makes it seem easier.

But it ain't never EASY. Anyone who trys to tell you that losing weight is easy is high on crack.

My New Thing: Precision Nutrition's Lean Eating Program

2010-08-05T17:56:00.001-07:00

Hello - This week I started my new "thing." It's called exactly what I said up there in the title and I'm not typing it again. Basically it is a six month program that promises if I do everything they say, I will lose weight and get in better shape. They even claim that every single person who has followed the program without deviating has either reached or surpassed their fitness goals. Okay, well - I'm game.

This was a big commitment for me. It's not some diet I just signed up for and can give up on in a month or so. It is a daily thing where I log in, do a daily workout, learn new habits and stay accountable. There is also the cool benefit of a discussion forum in which I can chat with people all over the globe who are in my PN Lean Eating group with my same coach. I am really enjoying everything thus far.

This week I am learning two habits - Do my daily work outs and take a multivitamin and fish oil. Uh, that is all they're asking of me thus far. So far, no crazy restrictive eating rules and frankly, from what I already know of Precision Nutrition, that is never going to be the case. I mean, I am not going to get an amazing body by eating mac and cheese and Butterfinger Crisps (those things are like CRACK) but there is room for a few treats every week while building a stronger and healthier body by good nutrition and tough workouts. So I am stoked - God, I am old - who says stoked anymore?

So if you are interested in learning more about the program I am embarking on, you can go to http://www.precisionnutrition.com and check it out for yourself. I will be taking measurements and my "before" photos this weekend - it's all becoming very real! So wish me luck and check back to see if I am continuing on this path - I happily accept all encouragement!

Have a great evening!

Positive Change on the Horizon

2010-07-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

I've no time to discuss it now but things are looking up for me lately. I had a second knee surgery and that was no fun but am recuperating well and PT is going much better this time around.

Anyway, I am super excited about my upcoming plans for taking positive steps forward to improving my life. I will be back to explain more fully and actually will be back to blogging on a regular basis within the next few weeks.

And I finally got a new digital camera so I will be able to do more pics and maybe even a little video or two. I am going to flex my tech skills - see what I'm made of. :-)

Looking forward to a new journey - check back soon!

Falling Apart at the Seams...But Still Kicking!

2010-05-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Hey - Yeah, I am still here. It has been eight weeks since my surgery (and seven since my last post, apparently). Life has been...shall we say... trying. My knee decided that it was not going to straighten, no matter how much physical therapy or pain pills I threw at it. And I threw a lot of pain pills at it, which only brought my insane addict out and got me going on a pill bender (I have since kicked that to the curb, thankyouverymuch - with the help of God and my AA posse and family...) When the addict gets crazy, my whole life is affected. Work slides, stress builds, I get really nasty - oh, and I just stop taking my Prozac. Yeah, my family REALLY likes it when that happens.

In the past week, the knee has suddenly decided to be cooperative, which is likely due in part to the threat of another surgery, new PT exercises aimed at my hip and ankle, of all places, and just...I don't know. I don't understand what changed. Certainly not my shitty attitude. But I'll take the progress because the last thing I want is to have to have another surgery and go back on the f-ing pills and have to pry myself off of them yet again.

Then there is the whole weight loss thing. I am fat. My husband says so and I agree. He is all pissed off at me because I apparently don't make it a priority to make myself attractive to him. Despite the fact that my husband is wonderful and has put up with an immense amount of drama and has willingly allowed himself to be educated about addiction/alcoholism, etc - he still just doesn't GET IT sometimes. And it is probably because I don't really tell him where I AM - I tell him where he wants me to be. Or I just say I'm "fine," and he accepts it. The fact is that I'm not fine and the past 8 weeks have been awful and I've really just been trying to keep my sanity and not drive off out of here or get wasted. I have not been focused on doing Medifast. Sorry. But he doesn't understand that. He says I should be able to do it all at once. It's the same refrain I've been hearing - if you really cared you would just stop - everything. NOW. I want to. But sometimes, choosing to eat something shitty takes the place of stopping off for an 18 pack. Sorry, again. But its the truth.

I am so not looking for sympathy - I know where to find that (between "shit" and "syphllis" in the dictionary, per my grandmother). No - I am just venting. I need to vent. I get tired of pretending that everything is fine when really, everything is fucked up - I am fucked up. I don't like to tell anyone I am fucked up because oh my God, what then? Will my sweet image be disturbed? Will people not trust me? Will I have to admit that I am not perfect? That's part of it - I make myself sick sometimes when I see how self-centered and vain I can be. So much so that I won't help myself be sharing with others about who I really am or what is really going on. So I thought I might start here. Maybe. We'll see.

Alright well I feel a little better. Now I have to go finish some work that I HATE. Then I will ride my new exercise bike and eat an "on plan" meal and try not to feel overwhelmed by the coming week.

Recovery Daze

2010-03-19T18:48:00.001-07:00

It has been a week since my surgery - I had it last Friday afternoon. This has been quite an ordeal, truly. I had been under the misguided assumption that this was going to be a fairly easy surgery and that I would be on my feet again within a couple of days and back to work by Monday. WRONG. This has sucked - I have been in a huge amount of pain, had a lot of nasty swelling and discomfort and I have been out of work for a full week, perched in a giant green rented recliner in my living room with little cooler unit pumping ice water through a tube over my throbbing knee.

We rented this recliner from "Rent-A-Center." Now, I've never rented anything from a place like RAC, but I know a lot of folks do it to basically acquire things that they really can't afford but with low monthly payments can "rent" to own them (translation - pay 5 times the actual cost). So we go into this place and first of all, I notice that the joint is hopping at 10 in the morning - I mean, there are a lot of people in the market to rent shit! I also realize that you can rent just about anything from RAC - it's not just furniture. It's huge flat screen TV's, it's computers, cameras, stereos - all kinds of stuff I'd never imagined you might rent.

So we arrive and find the guy my husband had spoken to by phone. We just wanted to rent a recliner for a few weeks so that I would have somewhere comfortable to sit and sleep while having my knee somewhat elevated. The guy presents us with this form that you would not believe - I mean, you would have thought we were getting a mortgage, they needed so much information. At first it was kind of funny but by the time I got to the part requiring 4 personal references, I was pissed off and started making shit up. I was scheduled to have surgery in an hour - I did not have time for this crap. I could go on and on but let's just say I got my recliner and it is a real beauty... a lovely shade of what my dad would call "calf shit green." Do you know, though, that those freaks actually called my dad in California and asked him if he had seen us recently, how stable he thought we were and if our business was successful? All this for a piece of junk Shopko recliner that I would have in my possession for 3 weeks ($60 bucks plus free delivery - can't beat that, can ya?!). I guess the usual RAC clientele must be a bit questionable...

Yeah, the whole surgery thing has thrown me off a bit. I am one of those people that bounces back fairly quickly from ailments - I am healthy and I usually heal quickly. I am generally NOT a pussy about pain, etc. but this - this has definitely been a different experience. I've never had a major injury or a major surgery (a boob job does not qualify for major surgery) and so this has set me back on my heels a little. It actually makes me more appreciative of being healthy and not having to have gone through this a number of times - and wow, what about people that get in awful accidents or suffer massive tramatic injury? How do they cope? Jeez, all I did was tear a ligament. I realize it could be way worse and I am grateful, truly, for the minimal nature of the problem when compared to others but still - it has been an ordeal for me and I trying to keep myself from feeling depressed. Getting out and about has been helpful - I can't wait to go to an AA meeting tomorrow morning and just hang with the chicks.

Well, my in-laws just pulled up so I need to put away the computer and socialize - I invited them here, after all!

And So I Begin Again...the Downward Trek (as in POUNDS!)

2010-03-08T08:50:00.001-08:00

I started Medifast yesterday. Not so bad - the chicken noodle soup was actually GOOD. The bars were pretty good, albeit very small. But the oatmeal - yeah, Lyn over at Escape From Obesity is right about that crap. Ugh. Soymeal is more like it. Must figure out a way to improve that stuff. Or just eat the pudding instead, because that stuff rocked! Oh, and I lost 3 pounds overnight but I suppose that is to be expected after the first day of a diet, eating about half the calories I usually eat.

In other news, I will be having my surgery for my knee on Friday. I am actually HAPPY about that because I am tired of scuttling around like an injured crab. And also, just knowing that I am going to have to go through all of this shit all over again (another recovery after surgery) is downright annoying. So yes, I am happy that the surgery is sooner rather than later.

This week shouldn't be too bad for me. I finished a gigantic brief last week that was really weighing on my mind but it is filed and done and now I can focus on a few other matters that need my attention. And just prepare myself for surgery and getting my work life and home ready for it, too.

And, I know I don't talk about this very often because OMG, how would I feel if you people (who I don't even KNOW, really) actually knew who I really was, eeek! But I am just going to say it because I can't keep hiding who I am. Today is my seventeenth day of sobriety - I've been struggling for decades but the last year and a half has really been tough for me, not able to put together much more than a week at a time. It's alcohol, it's drugs, it's whatever I can get my damned hands on. Anything that numbs me to reality, really. So - there. Just wanted to share that little tidbit because I want to start chronicling my recovery-related issues here, too. I am happy today, feeling good, and doing the things I need to do for my recovery. Yay!

Now I'd better get to work and stop f-ing off. :-)

Coming Attractions...New Knee, New Diet...

2010-02-25T15:39:00.000-08:00

I found out that my supposed torn meniscus was actually a completely torn ACL so shit, I am having surgery very soon to fix that. I hear that an ACL injury is actually better to have than meniscus injury so - I'm not complaining. I just didn't realize that I had really hurt myself like that. When the NP told me, I actually felt EMOTIONAL. Can you believe it? Crying about a torn ACL? What a sap. I guess I just felt sad that after 40 years of near perfect health (no broken bones, horrid diseases, etc) I had finally truly damaged my body. Funny, I didn't seem bothered when I was swilling vodka and eating pills - no damage in that, right?! Our own perception of reality is so... f-ed up sometimes!!!

So I also just committed myself to a new diet. OMG I have to do something. I am so fat again. How did it happen? Too much food and not enough exercise - same old shit. I am signed up for Medifast - We'll see how it goes. I do pretty well on diets that have very little variety and very few choices to make. I am making a firm commitment to it, though, for at least 12 weeks. My big box of "STUFF" should be here next week from them so I will be starting soon. I will do my best to chronicle my experience here but you know I am kind of lame about that.

Hope everyone is great. I will find out when my surgery is next week - eek! Not looking forward to it but I am looking forward to being able to walk again normally. That would be nice.

Well, I am still here...

2010-02-11T09:38:00.001-08:00

Hi - sorry for the long absence. I've just been a bit, uh, well... depressed? Not into it? Busy? No explanation needed, really, but I just wanted to say that I am still alive and kicking. Had a miscarriage in October that really threw me for a loop - I gained 25 pounds so am now back to my lovely little butterball self. Not going to be hard on myself right now, however.

This past Sunday I fell while skiing and tore my meniscus. I don't know if it is going to require surgery or not - I will find out more next Tuesday when I go back to orthopedic folks. I am on crutches and that, my friends, SUCKS. I am a helpless blob, which I can't stand! But learning to ask for and accept help is good for me - at least that is what counselor says.

I've no time to really get into anything right now (supposed to be working and not doing a very good job of it) but I was just tired of seeing that September 2009 entry... Will be back for some good shit later. :-)

Hope everyone out there is doing okay!

Week 8 Insanity: Taking a Breather

2009-09-23T14:02:00.001-07:00

I am well into week 8 of my Insanity workouts - next week is the LAST WEEK - yay! It's been hard - hard as HELL - but I am so proud of myself, just for getting my ass out of bed every day and doing it. I'm not 20 pounds lighter or anything but my body is definitely changing. I'm wearing a pair of jeans today that I could not wear 6 weeks ago so there.

Today, however, I did NOT get my ass out of bed. I am dog tired lately. My muscles are sore and achy and I just wanted to stay in the bed. For hours after I finally got up, I felt the urge to beat myself up about being lazy and unmotivated and almost ate a giant bowl of cereal without counting the calories...SCREEEEEECH! Stop right there, I said - What is this? Why am I feeling bad for taking ONE slight break, knowing that I am going to do my workout tonight, anyway? That is how married to routine I get - If I break it, I feel, just, wrong. Well, I got over that shit and am feeling happy and, guess what, motivated! Looking forward to tonight's workout and I know that I will feel better having let my muscles rest an additional 12 hours. Seriously, they needed it.

So I received my NEXT workout series - It's called ChaLEAN Extreme. It looks rockin - It is weight training so totally different than what I am doing right now. I am going to be ordering some Selectech weights for the occasion. I am, however, going to take a one week respite in between the end of Insanity and the beginning of CE to just do whatever I want. I will still get up and exercise in the morning but I will do a variety of different stuff - like Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam and maybe even that evil workout queen, Jillian Michaels will get to take a stab at me now that I have done Insanity.

That's all I have. Nothing amazing to report except that life is good and I feel happy. THAT is amazing, actually.

Insanity Week Six: To the Max

2009-09-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

I thought the workouts were hard during the first 5 weeks but I was wrong. They were mere child's play... This week I was welcomed to the world of "max" - 4 new workouts from hell, thanks to Beachbody, the makers of this program they call "Insanity." Right they are! Doing all of this IS insane but for whatever reason, I keep doing it. Probably because my pants keep getting looser.

So today I did "Max Interval Circuit." Get this - I burned 600 calories! 600! The heart rate monitor does not lie... These workouts are longer than the ones in the first 5 weeks so it makes sense that they burn more but I was pretty happy with today's result. I am still frustrated by the scale, though. I think I am just eating too many calories - that's all I can come up with. When I was on WW, doing Hip Hop Abs (a LOT easier than Insanity) I was dropping weight. Here, eating significantly more calories (and burning more, too) I am not dropping much weight at all. Inches, yes. Sleeping better, yes. Looser clothes, yes. Pounds, not so much.

At the beginning of all this, I went and had my body fat tested, as well as a full body sort of scan thing that tells you about your muscle strength in each limb, how much water is in your body, lean body mass and other useless bits of information that I didn't really ask for and wasn't really that concerned about. But now, after working my ass off this hard for 6 weeks and barely losing any weight, I am starting to feel really interested in some of that other stuff. Like, have I actually gained some muscle? By doing this test again in 3 weeks, I will be able to tell that, as well as if I have gained strength. Shit, I know I've gained strength - I can do several REAL pushups now - not girly knee push ups but REAL LIVE push ups. That is a feat in and of itself.

I am already planning my next workout series. I am going to order ChaLEAN Extreme from BeachBody. It is by the same gal that does Turbo Jam (who I actually really like) but it is totally focused on weight training - lifting heavy weight. I will take a recovery week and then jump on that train for 90 days. I really like having a plan for working out - I've got the Insanity calendar on my wall and every day I just look at it and it tells me which workout to do. It takes the choice out of it and frankly, that's what I need. If it were my choice, I'd probably be sitting on the carpet eating Pop Tarts, watching chick flicks. I also like getting to mark each day off and being able to see my progress. So these planned DVD workout series have a lot of great attributes as far as I am concerned. I am a huge cheerleader for working out at home to DVDs. Can you tell?

I hope everyone has a great weekend. My focus is going to be on drinking all of my water (2+ liters per day) and trying to keep the calories around 1700. We'll see - oh, I am praying I make it through tomorrow's Max Plyometrics!

Insanity Week 5 - Recovery, My Ass!

2009-09-04T13:27:00.000-07:00

Well, I am STILL at it. I am just completing week 5 in my Insanity workouts. It is supposed to be my "recovery week" wherein I do the same workout DVD over six days. The workout is supposedly less "hard" on the body. Well, it is certainly easier than the original workouts but it is not EASY by any means. I am happy to report that I still sweat so much that my headband (I have to wear or my eyes turn to sweat pools) is soaked through. Eeew. Next week I begin a long visit to MAX hell... Max intervals, Max Plyometrics, Max whatever. Each workout is about an hour so I am basically looking forward to almost dying every morning (okay, six days a week).

I've been a little pissy about the fact that I have not lost much weight. I have lost, maximum, 5 pounds. Yes, I know, Jenny Craigs of the world, that 1 pound a week is a fine weight loss - don't start that reassuring, back-patting crap with me. I'm just plain annoyed. The thing is, I am working my ASS off and have worked out at much lesser amounts and lost more weight. Part of the issue is this - I can't fuel these workouts on 1200 calories a day. I am eating about 1750 per day, sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. But generally, I keep it under 1900 all the time. Some might say, well, that is way too much to lose weight - but I'm burning 400-500 a day per workout. My basal metabolic rate is 1400-ish. So you do the math. I don't get it.

The BRIGHT SIDE (because there always is one, isn't there, Pollyanna?) is this - my clothes are looser and I have definitely lost some inches. I've had two people tell me that my "shape" is changing. So that's cool. I just wish the scale would register something meaningful. I'd really like to see something in the 150's - that would be LOVELY. So - I commit to work my ass off some more over the next 4 hellacious weeks and will hopefully be able to say that I lost at least 10 pounds in 9 weeks. That would be an accomplishment. Plus, I will be in the best cardiovascular shape of my LIFE. Seriously, I already feel like a machine sometimes... These workouts will at least do THAT for you!

More later - work beckons. Also, I think I hear the coffee pot calling my name...

Still Insane and Loving It

2009-08-22T21:34:00.000-07:00

Just finished week 3 of "Insanity." I am amazed that I have continued this long. Even more amazed that I am actually ENJOYING this abuse, looking forward to the heavy breathing and more sweat than I have ever seen fall from my body. REALLY - it falls off of me onto the carpet. Today, I was working so hard that something actually blew out of my frickin' NOSE and fell to the floor. Let's just say that it's a good thing we will be steam-cleaning these carpets when we move. But I've left more DNA in my workout room lately than I ever have. Anywhere.

Okay, so I know my one reader is dying to know...What are the STATS? Have I lost weight? Do I look different? Well - as of last Sunday I had lost 5 pounds. I measured myself today - I've lost 2 inches from my boobs already (that's fine, they were way too juggy to begin with), 2 inches from my waist, an inch off my arms and a half inch from my hips. I think that is good for three weeks of hard ass work. Of course, I want to have lost ten pounds and ten inches already but you know - patience is a virtue and all that garbage. I took photos at the beginning and actually had my body fat measured so - once I am fabulous and can say, "See how great I look?!" then I will post the before and after photos and body comp stats. Until then, the before photo stays under serious wraps. I can't believe I let my husband take it. I am wearing only a sports bra and a tiny pair of undies.

Still practicing being kind to myself. It's not easy. Sometimes I don't feel very kind toward anyone, including my son, who is 3 and a half and driving me crazy with the "why?" thing. And the interrupting - OMG, the interrupting. Six months ago he could barely talk - now I can't shut him up. It's so wonderful, really, but that doesn't mean I can't get annoyed or want to stuff a few monster trucks in his mouth once in awhile. So I haven't been feeling very kind or patient these last few days. We've just had a lot going on and frankly, I feel the premenstrual crazies, even though I am not PM right now. I guess I am just bitchy.

I have been peeing on those ovulation predictor sticks every morning for a week - still haven't dropped an egg yet. I must have been way off on my cycle. I guess that explains why I am not knocked up yet. Oh well - that leaves more time for me to continue the INSANITY and get in the best shape of my life. I am down with that. It would me nice to have a healthy, happier pregnancy. Speaking of which, my blood pressure today was 115 / 77 - THAT is amazing, folks. I am normal for the first time in a long time. Must have something to do with the exercise and diet.

Imagine that.

HYC - Insanity...One Week Down

2009-08-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

I made it through week one of my "Insanity" workouts. Unbelievable. Frankly, I amazed even myself. And the fact that I got up this morning at 6:15AM to begin week TWO is even more amazing. I am totally motivated right now and can't explain it, other than I am tired of being chubby, unhealthy and uncomfortable with my body.

I suppose my motivation also comes from the fact that I've lost a few pounds, and I can absolutely TELL, yes I can, that I my cardiovascular abilities are already improving. Next Monday, I will do the Insanity "Fit Test," a test involving a series of soul-crushing, life-sucking exercises that make you want to lay down on the floor and scream (if you have the breath available and are not puking). I was not too "fit" on my first attempt, which obviously is expected. But I already know I will see improvement next week. When you work this hard every day, it is inevitable. There is no way around it. I WILL get healthier.

And I've decided that I want to be an EATER, damn it. The way I see it, there are two camps. There are people who exercise so that they can eat. And then there are those who don't want to exercise (or just don't DIG it, I guess) and don't seem to mind depriving themselves of food all the time. The whole deprivation thing is just not healthy for me - mentally. I would rather work my ass off six days a week, sweating and wheezing until I am practically crying, just so that if I want to have a latte and a scone or maybe a big cheeseburger on occasion, I don't have to worry. And I can eat plenty every day - plenty of healthy food that I love. I don't have to do the 1200 calorie a day thing. I don't have to freak out if someone gives me a sandwich with cheese on it. I don't have to "bring my own" gross diet dish while everyone else eats spaghetti and I just end up looking weird. I'm sorry but that is just a misery that I am not willing to bear anymore. Feh! Not going to do it. Done.

My diet this last week was for the most part, very clean. And strange thing is, I enjoyed it. If I am not being all militant about carbs, I am a pretty happy camper. If I can have awesome greek yogurt, berries, tomatoes and spinach, low fat dressing, chicken breasts and quinoa, and my favorite whole wheat english muffins with eggs and turkey, I am DAMNED happy. On Saturday, I made myself a very healthy, super thin crust pizza (two pieces only, mind you) with turkey pepperoni, part skim moz, tomatoes, peppers - it was fab, and less about 5oo calories for those two pieces. I realized that I can eat healthy, and still have most of the stuff that I truly enjoy.

I've been trying very hard to cut down on my artificial sweetener consumption - it was WAY out of control, in my opinion. I've been doing very well - I am using just regular sugar (cubes - I bought CUBES so that I wouldn't do any heaping tablespoons...) and I also bought that "Stevia In the Raw" just to try the bitter root out. Turns out the rumors are true - that stuff has a weird bitter aftertaste. But I soldier through... Or I just do part sugar, and one teaspoon of Splenda, as opposed to 3 teaspoons of Splenda or two packets of Sweet & Low, etc. It's working. And I am finding that things just really don't need to be so damned sweet.

Okay, that is all I know right now. Wish me luck as tomorrow is the "Pure Cardio" Insanity workout. One of the girls in the video actually almost throws up and a few of them lay down. It's a crazy series but don't worry - I am going at my own pace. And I feel GREAT.

Now I am off to buy some liver. Gross, I know, but I love it and I am in desperate need of IRON right now... TOM and all....

Bring the Insanity

2009-08-05T21:21:00.000-07:00

I recently got Beachbody.com's newest workout program, "Insanity." It features Shaun T (of "Hip Hop Abs" fame) yelling and sweating profusely with some of the most amazingly in shape people I've ever seen. (I have an admiring crush on Ariel, the fabulous blonde gal with abs of granite and an ass that you could balance an apple on, as in, it is like a SHELF jutting out from behind her). Shaun T works everyone to death, jumping around, flailing arms, rapid fire push ups, something totally evil called "suicides," the works - Even the people in the video crumple up onto the floor in exhaustion, take breaks, etc. It is mostly high intensity cardio circuits so far. It is a 60 day program. Tomorrow is Day 4. So far, despite the fact that I usually feel like I am dying 5 minutes into it, I am loving it. I just go A LOT slower than those crazy people. Truly, the work outs are INSANE. They named the program appropriately.

I've even been getting up in the morning to do it - that is big news, considering the fact that I hate dragging my ass out of bed for any reason. I've been eating well and taking care of myself, too. Wow - I can't believe I just wrote that. It's pretty rare that I am doing a lot of the right things for myself... I get scared because I am afraid that at any minute, something is going to happen and I am going to go back to feeling depressed and mired in my own self-loathing.

Feeling well (or dare I say "happy"?) always feels a little precarious to me, as if it is just a brief, temporary state that could escape me at any given moment, not to be seen again for years to come. I stand back and quietly admire the serenity inside of me the way an ice sculptor might examine his work - it is beautiful and grand and I am filled with satisfaction, but I am also sad because I know that the melting is inevitable, continuing until there is nothing but a pool of self-pity at my feet.

To help with these feelings, I am just working on the whole "one day at a time" concept. I don't need to worry about whether I will be happy tomorrow - I just need to focus on what I can do today to take care of myself. When I do those things, the happiness and serenity just sort of happen. And if something shitty happens during a day, I can continue to do the right things for myself, instead of getting pissed off and childishly saying to myself, "Well, if that's how it's going to be I might as well be how I've always been. There is no reason to change." I am embarassed to say this, but at 40 years old, I think I can positively say that I am beginning to grow up.

So back to the Insanity thing - I will be checking in here at least once a week with my results and a report on how it is going. I hope to live through the first week - so far the knees are holding up fine and my heart rate is staying under bursting point. If you are at all interested in learning more about any of Beachbody.com's programs, you should go by their website. My husband and I both use their programs (we don't belong to a gym at all - we work out at home) and I can say that we've been totally satisfied with every program - Turbo Jam, Hip Hop Abs, P90X, Slim in 6, and now Insanity. We've both gotten great results when we stick to the program and watch our nutrition. No, Beachbody doesn't pay me to write this - I just think they are a great company (even though they charge WAY too much for shipping...)

Have a great week!

Welcome Back, Stephanie!

2009-06-29T15:03:00.000-07:00

It's true - I've decided to do a post after a long hiatus. I've been busy, you know!

Instead of flogging myself repetitively, let me just say that I was having a pretty bad time of it back in February. I'm on a better path now, feeling better and trying to be a little nicer to myself overall. So no flogging and self-destructive talk right now. See how fucking positive I am?! (God will forgive that little slip up there, I am sure of it - I'm healing my blackened heart, after all...)

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday and it was a blast. We had good food, karaoke, "vintage" candies (I almost died when I discovered that hot tamales were considered a vintage candy) and just a really great time all around. My very best friend of 30 years came out to join in the fun. It was so wonderful to see her and to know that I still have such a great friend in her. I am also thrilled to be on the "recovery path" with her - we are both doing well, despite being off the "candy," as we call it. (Those of you who are my people know what I'm talkin' about).

I hope everyone in my little blog world is doing good. I will stop by to see all of my "girls," (that's you, Missie). As for my weight, well - it's high, but I feel good. I am just working on trying to appreciate my body for what it is and what it can do. So it is a little lumpy - feh, who cares?! I have been doing the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred DVD and so far, I really like it. I also got Jillian's book, Winning By Losing. It is really good so far - very straight forward, just like her.

Well, I have to go prepare for a City Council meeting. The fun never stops here at Stephanie's place. Oh, and here is a new pic of me - Steph at 40. I wish I was wearing lipstick but it's not a bad photo. I am glad to see that I am free of the forehead lines, although those crow's feet could probably pick up and carry a few large tree limbs. Whoops - there I go being negative. What I meant to say was is, "DAMN, I AM ONE HOT MAMA!" Much better...

Evening Madness...Thoughts on Food and Toddlers

2009-02-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

I always get really "munchy" when we get home from work. It doesn't matter if I am not actually hungry - I just have the urge to graze on whatever happens to be on hand. I think it is just the combination of being tired, relieved to be home and comfortable, the stress of a three year old (his latest thing is "I HATE you, Mama...Go 'way!") and just trying to figure out what to do for the next several hours other than eating several pounds of food.

I am reading novels - that is somewhat helpful but I don't like reading until the kid is in bed - I just can't justify ignoring him for the little bit of time I get to see him in the evening. Well, actually, I CAN justify it, at least for 10 or 15 minutes, especially on the nights when I put him to bed and end up spending almost two hours trying to get him to shut his little pie hole and go to sleep.

The issues of disciplining a three year old are so...confusing (now that we're on the subject). I've definitely discovered that trying to yell louder than him or whacking his bottom isn't terribly effective. Sticking my tongue out back at him isn't so helpful, either. I mean, seriously, I do not lie when I say that I have done these things - I get so damned childish sometimes I can't believe I am almost 40!! If anyone has any suggestions for learning good discipline skills, I would love to hear them (c'mon, Missie, my only occasional guest - you must know of SOMETHING I can do). My mother-in-law recommended Dr. Dobson and I've looked a little at a book called Positive Discipline - Man, I need something FAST. Before I lose my mind!

Um, so - back to my original complaint - tonight I budgeted points for a snack and a WW ice cream - that is the best bet, really, to PLAN for the snacking and just eat a little less during the day. I like the new WW deal of using the weekly points first and then moving to the AP's. Ultimately, I will end up using less points because I won't be tempted to "blow" my 35 on a bingey day (like a Saturday, where I eat "what I want" and likely inhale at least 135 points, not 35) and then use the AP's on a daily basis during the week. We'll see how it works.

I am down today to 159.8. It is good to be back in the 150's, despite the fact that it's only by .2. I started at 163.6 so - I guess I've lost my water now! Am going skiing this weekend and hopefully next weekend so yay - those are 1000 calorie burn days so I should lose some pounds over the next couple of weeks, for sure. Good - I need to fit back into all of my pants and throw away these ugly old mom jeans I bought to "hold me over." Straight into the maternity box with you, I say!

HYC Check-In: A Fresh Start...AGAIN!

2009-02-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so - I am starting over again. I got a "little crazy" these last few months. Have not been myself - have been mistreating myself royally. As a result, I've gained back, uh, about 15 pounds. It is unfortunate but a reality I have to just face and then move to change. And I am ready to do it now.

In 17 weeks, I will be 40 years old. I am SO TIRED of being an unhappy mess. For years I have been out of sorts, wandering in and out of addictions that kill off my self-esteem and happiness, finding hope for awhile, and then getting sucked back under by that nasty part of me that wants to off me for good. Really - it's ugly stuff. Things are getting better here slowly lately, mostly because I am finally being HONEST with others about where I am and what I've been up to. I've learned that I will never get better if I am not honest with others and more importantly, myself. It just won't work.

My focus here in the near future is really just going to be overall improvement. Weight is one factor but there are a lot of other ways that I've let myself go, too. So the plan is to make small changes (instead of gigantic ones that overwhelm me) and try to slowly but surely start showing myself the respect that I am so certain others deserve but for whatever reason, I rarely show myself.

The typical dieter in me says "I'm going to be fabulous by my 40th!!" That would be cool, but that is not the ultimate goal. I want to be HAPPY, even if that means that I will still have a little muffin top or a permanent dent of cellulite on my thigh.

Cool stuff going on - Still loving Curves (doing it with my new fun friend, Krista), reading the Twilight series and totally digging it, the firm is doing well enough and despite a lot of spats recently, I am feeling nicer toward my husband. That's always good, you know.

Have a great week, everyone.

I Couldn't Help Myself...

2009-02-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

To all of my friends and family who don't believe that lawyers are funny or truthful:

I got a letter from this stupid collection agency recently trying to collect on a $52 bill from our idiot cable providers, Bresnan. So – I sent them a letter of representation from our firm (on our firm letterhead) telling them that we disputed it. I get a letter back from them telling me that I need to have a signed authorization from Justin establishing that we are allowed to represent him - WE - as in OUR law firm. So I sent them this note, with his signature. SEE BELOW – and don’t miss his signature oath, which is really the best part.

S.P. Brockett
CMI / Credit Management, LP

RE: Justin B. / Bresnan Communications

Dear Mr. Brockett:

This letter is in response to your letter dated January 27, 2009, regarding your need for a signed authorization from Justin B. On behalf of our long-term and trusted client, Justin B. (who also happens to be an OWNER of the firm, along with his long-term and trusted wife, Stephanie, yours truly), we wish to supply you with such signed authorization and assurance that Mr. B. has requested our services.

By the genuine handwritten signature that you will note below, Mr. B. grants his own law firm, K. & B., PC, the exclusive right to represent him in this high stakes case surrounding the alleged non-payment of a cable services bill from the notorious and often-maligned monster cable conglomerate, Bresnan Communications. We certainly hope that you find this authorization to be a shining beacon of staunch authenticity, burgeoning with the hallowed hallmarks of veracity and truth, such as real live blue ink and a notary seal from our long-term and trusted paralegal, Ms. M.

Should you have any further concerns or comments, please feel free to contact us here at the K. & B. law firm.

Sincerely,

Stephanie B.

YEA, I do so solemnly swear and abide that I have granted my own law firm and, in particular, my lovely wife, Stephanie B., permission to represent me in the above-referenced matter. Hear ye, my CMI brothers and sisters, as my voice ringeth forth over the blue waters of truth and fortitude, now and forever after shall your troubled hearts rest in the peaceful, comforting knowledge that even a lawyer tells the truth on occasion.

__________________________________________________
Justin B.

We included a notary seal, too, for good measure.

How's that for some attitude?

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T11:32:00.000-08:00

Well, it finally got here. The last several weeks have been a bit of a blur but I suppose it is that way for a lot of people, right? Several things have been accomplished in the past month or so and here they are:

1. K & B - The Firm: Yes, it's true. I am now the owner of a law firm. My husband and I purchased the firm, effective January 1 and we are now the official honchos (although our paralegal Sally might say otherwise - I call her "Boss.") It has been stressful, getting to this point, and will be even more stressful over the next 4 months as we help the previous owner "transition" his way into retirement.

2. Curves Whore: I am an official Curves whore - I love the place. The gal who runs it is a chatty kathy and we just yack our heads off while I run around and sweat. I go during my work day which totally rocks because then I don't have to stress all day long about getting it done later that night, after I put the kid down because let's face it - I hate working out at night and will look for any excuse not to. And it breaks up my day. I am thrilled to find something I truly enjoy.

3. Dropped an Obligation to Focus on ME: I have had a heavy heart for quite awhile about a church obligation (a ministry, in fact) that I have been leading for about 2.5 years. It is a Christ-centered recovery group. Problem is, my family (as in my husband, his parents and soon, his sister and her family) has left the church and I feel highly inclined to join them. I have been torn for a long time about how to continue the recovery group while joining a new church. Also, my own recovery has suffered over the past year and I've not been able (or maybe "willing" would be a better word) to do what it takes to get my head together. So a change has been made - I told my co-leader last night that I am leaving the church (as in, a full, clean break) and that I will be a participant in the meeting but not a leader. As a result of that discussion, we have decided to make some big changes to the group that will enable the co-leader to continue with it and, hopefully, make it a more fulfilling program for everyone. And me, well - I am going to get a sponsor and do some real work on myself this year.

That's my stuff for now. I have gained over 10 pounds so am around 159-ish. Not happy about that but not being crazy about it, either. It will come off and I move forward in what I hope is a happier and more honest way in 2009. Here are some funny pics to admire...

Here we are, the K & P Team. Below, our fancy professional head shots...

Justin, the sexy beast that he is...

And then me, of course...looking eerily similar to one of my good friends, Santana...

And then here are me and Justin, the cute couple...and our even cuter son, Wyatt!

Happy New Year to Everyone! May 2009 be a great one for all of us - even Barrack Obama!

HYC Check In - Plugging Along

2008-12-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a long while since I've done an entry. I get so caught up in my life stuff. Actually, I've been spending a lot of time doing nothing of any use. Just vegging out, feeling sorry for myself, unfocused. Gaining weight. Bleh.

One good thing I've done for myself in the past week - I joined Curves, and I really enjoy it. I also recently signed up for Weight Watchers again - this time I just did the online thing. I am trying to get my head back on straight. Things are just really stressful right now and I am not making very good choices about taking care of myself.

I hope everyone is doing good out there - I guess the HYC Challenge is almost over, isn't it? Hmmm. I am heavier now than I was when I started. Not so healthy me. Oh well - the new year is coming! I really hope to have another baby this next year. 2009 is going to be a big one, I can tell - lots of challenges and dramas but hopefully, lots of good stuff, too.

HYC Check In - Hanging In There

2008-11-04T11:29:00.000-08:00

Hey all - It's been a crazy week. I've dealt with a puking toddler, a husband with what appears to be a freaking flesh-eating mange of some kind, my own puking sickness - what a mess. And to top it all off, my son woke me at 2AM this morning "mama, mama" and I discovered that he had thrown up all over in his crib. He has been barfing like this on and off for a week now, but has no fever and no other malaise at all. The kid is FINE, except when his "baby" hurts. (My sister-in-law's pregnancy got Wyatt started calling his tummy his "baby" so now he tells me that his baby has an owie).

I just have to say, though, that last night, in the midst of my bleary-eyed vomit-scraping and wiping duties, I fell in love with my son again, like I do over and over. You know, motherhood can be such a struggle - you love them so much, but then they swat you in the face or throw food across the room or just act like a crazy banshee at Costco while waiting in the line at the pharamacy and you want to THROTTLE them. You actually feel pissed off at them, as if they are intentionally being bratty to ruin your day (how mature we are...sigh). When you put them down to bed at night, you sometimes breath a gigantic sigh of relief because whew! what a relief to be done with all drama. But then, so quickly it seems, those feelings of anger or frustration are replaced by love - such an intense love, I can hardly stand it and just want to eat him up, he is so cute.

Last night I had taken all of his clothes off and had him laying on the little couch in his room, naked and tucked under a towel and I sat down next to him. I stroked his face and hair and he just looked up at me with the sweetest, most adorable look in his eyes and I could really see his neediness, his dependence, on me, his mother. He looked at me as if I was a superhero, a superhero that he thought the world of. It was only for a few seconds, that moment, but it just burned that image into my mind.

Later, after I cleaned up all the barf and yuck, I set up camp on the floor next to his crib (yes, we are almost to converting the crib to a bed, any day now as he is almost 3) and he reached through the bars for my hand and said, "I wuh you, Mama." Could you just melt? I didn't care that I had just spent the last hour picking up partially-digested green beans and gummi bears. I didn't care that I was laying on our itchy carpet with an old comforter partially over me and totally uncomfortable. Nothing mattered except making sure that my son was comfortable and that he knew that I loved him more than anything else in the world. And this morning, when he woke up and saw me sleeping there, he said, "Mama? Mama?" I said "Yes" and he said, "I wuh you, Mama." It reassured me and made me believe that the actions I take when he is upset or sick or having a hard time are making an impact and that he feels the love. Sometimes, being a mom is just GRAND.

As for my weight, well - I'm hanging in. Not really dieting, per se, but at least not on full tilt feeding frenzy. Have compiled a list of all of my favorite foods and am currently calculating calories and points for all of them so that when I do begin in earnest, I can eat what I LIKE. Strangely, I had never really taken the time to actually document what I like to eat. You'll be amazed how a lot of healthy things end up on that list! Hope everyone has a great week.

Not So Healthy You - Oh Well...

2008-10-28T20:54:00.000-07:00

I've been not so great this past week. I think I gained, like - at least 5 pounds. Haven't weighed. My husband has been away and of course that means I can EAT whatever I want so uh, I HAVE. I am crazy. Oh well - not beating myself up about it. Forget it. Just get back on the horse, damn it.

I am considering re-joining WW. Am going to look for a meeting that is in the same town I work in. Hope everyone is doing great. I am very excited that my sister-in-law just had a baby - did an entry on my other blog, Breck Family Circus, with pictures. We are so happy for her.

Also, I JUST got a new writing gig for a website called http://www.undercoverlawyer.com. I have an "undercover" name, too. All you have to do to figure out my secret name is determine what name you would call someone if you couldn't remember that their actual name was Stephanie. Seriously, people have called me by this name for AGES. It never fails when they can't remember my real name. Anyway, I am excited to have this writing opportunity. My first article is entitled "Avoiding the Axe, Part 1." All of my articles will be aimed at employees and different workplace situations. If it is helpful for anyone, FABULOUS.

Have a good week. My husband comes home tomorrow, thank God. Must stop the eating frenzy.

Stop the Insanity!! (Isn't that a Diet, too?)

2008-10-13T20:19:00.000-07:00

I've hit a wall of sorts, it seems. In my quest to lose this last bit of weight, I have allowed myself to become, shall we say, COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OVERWHELMED by the absolute glut of diet and exercise information floating around the Internet and elsewhere. I am so confused at this point that I have reached the critical and dangerous state of analysis paralysis. Bottom line, I don't have a clue what to do anymore.

How to eat, how to EAT, for GOD's SAKE?? Do I go low carb? Low fat? Restrict calories? Count points? Combine certain foods? Do a liquid diet? Eat only grapefruits and tabasco sauce? Or was it oranges and maple syrup? Sugar Busters? Low Glycemic? Protein Power? South Beach? Atkins? Jenny? Nutrisystem? Medifast? And then, do I take supplements? Vitamins? Diet pills? Fat melters? Carb blockers? Hoodia? (That word always seems a little dirty to me, as in "keep your hands off my hoodia, bro" or something to that effect). Do I go vegetarian? How about the caveman diet? What about a lacto-ovo vegetarian? Or a vegan? Or (this was a new one for me) a "flexitarian"? (I guess this is someone who eats fish and chicken but still considers themselves to be a member of the vegetarian group - yeah, I don't get it, either). I mean, how does one decide how to eat amidst so many competing theories and lifestyles and, let's face it, DIETS? I can't do it - I am at a loss.

And then what about exercise? Do I do an hour of cardio at medium intensity? Do I do bursts of high intensity work with little bouts of rest in between? Do I jog? Power walk or just regular walk? Lift weights? Do pushups? Do sit ups? Crunches? Taebo? The Firm? Turbo Jam? Hip Hop Abs? P-90 X? Jillian Michaels? Reebok Step? (Who remembers THAT bad ass video with the high stepping aerobic goddesses wearing feathers and puka shells?) Walk Away the Pounds? Richard Simmons? Debbie Siebers? The Ab Blaster? Treadmill or stairmaster? Elliptical or ski machine? Get a trainer or do it myself? Go to the gym or do it at home? ARGH!

My brain has simply reached bursting point - I am SICK of all the f-ing options. Everytime I think, "okay, I think I've found something that will work for me," I get started for a bit, then I read something about how THIS is the way to do it, THIS is the way to eat and I change things up, only to get derailed again in a few weeks by MORE information.

So with all of this complaining, you probably think I don't have a solution. Well, I have some idea of a possible solution. I am going to start at square one, I think, and ask myself - What do I LIKE to eat? What do I LIKE to do for exercise? (Sitting on couch and lifting chips to mouth does not count here). My intentions for this week include making a list of the foods that I really enjoy - and it will include "good" and "bad" foods, but without those labels. I will also make a list of the exercise stuff I enjoy doing. You know, I've found that there actually ARE exercise things I like doing - that's pretty amazing for a lazy chick like me who got F's in P.E. One of my favorite things lately is jumping rope - who knew?

In any event, this is where I am this week. I don't know what I weigh and frankly, I am not worried about it right now. I am going to try to simply make good food choices this week based on the things I like and follow suit with the exercise. It's an experiment for me, and requires that I let go of the outcome. I will report on my findings.

A New Method? Not Really...

2008-10-07T13:58:00.000-07:00

I reached an unacceptable weight this past week (and the pants were just, uh, a little too tight) and decided, "whoa, enough is enough." I decided to try and go back to what worked for me many years ago - a modified low carb. Basically, no sugar, no bread, and no pasta or rice. For a long while. So far, I've lost 3 pounds and feel pretty good. Am exercising (trying to do more interval training instead of long-winded aerobic marathons) and drinking my water. So it's all good right now. I am pretty pressed for time today and so I just wanted to be sure and update this damned blog so nobody is worried or sending me "what's wrong?" emails...(although I love the idea that people out there in cyberworld really care about me!) The other day I wrote a comment so long on someone else's blog I wished I had written it here as an entry. Perhaps another day...Today, I've got to jam. Have a good week, all!

Pressured to Produce...And it Worked

2008-09-16T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sitting here and it is damned late and I was just screwing off on the Internet and HAPPENED to look at my blog and I saw that someone added a comment on my last entry and I see it is MIZFIT who is all, like - "SO?" As in, where is that entry you promised to do...ahem? Thanks, chick...I really was planning to just pack it in and call it a night. My kid is in bed (FINALLY), my husband went out to drink beer with his brother (THANK GOD) and I am sitting here on the couch with the main menu of SpongeBob Squarepants' "Bikini Bottom Adventures" playing over and over and over as I peruse the Internet for some form of entertainment. All's I gotta say is...You Tube is completely overrated, although I am fond of the Ghetto Gumby clip that I have watched repetitively and memorized lines from.

I had a long day. I had a settlement conference with a client - it settled, but it sucked, as far as I'm concerned. And it's not about money, it's about assholes. But I digress...I had an okay week, not so great on the exercise front and I probably ate more than my fair share of everything. My husband and I are driving to Butte, MT tomorrow night to go to the State Bar Convention (yes, it sounds incredibly boring) so I won't really be able to exercise much and I am sure he will be trying to do that special form of "exercise" that all husbands seem to want to do whenever they get near a hotel room, sans child. Mmm hmmm - can't wait for that. I am just feeling a bit blah this week..,. sorry. Good thing I will see the headshrinker tomorrow morning, though I guess I will just be faking my way through that shit, just like I do most things. Eeeew, get off the pity pot, NOW. I command me.

So yesterday on Mizfit's website she talked about the abundance diet concept - you know, if you fill your cupboards with all of your forbidden foods, you will eventually tire of them and relax about it and stop obsessing - I am sure I'm not explaining it nearly as good as her so maybe you should just go to her site. I have no f-ing idea how to do a little "click here" link thing so, uh - good luck finding her. Go into my comments on my last entry and click on her name - how's that for guidance? I never said I was an Internet genius, okay? ANYWAY - it got me to thinkin' about that concept and how if I stocked my cabinets with, say, pop tarts and chocolate chip cookies and whole milk and frozen pizzas and Coke Classic and God only knows what else I would come up with, would I REALLY just eat that for weeks on end or would I eventually return to eating more healthful things? And THAT got me to thinkin' about why I overeat, how I overeat and why I feel there are forbidden foods in the first place.

I'm an emotional eater. When I am pissed off, I will eat AT something - usually my husband, who is generally always "concerned" for me and my extra 20 pounds. (Never mind the f-ing fact that I've LOST over 50). If I am upset or angry about something, stressed out, tired - whatEVER - I will eat in response. Another bad habit - if there is something "bad" in the house and I have the opportunity (read - he is not there or not watching) I will eat it just...because I have that opportunity. How stupid is that?

But if I actually filled the pantry with stuff I love, would I just blow up like a giant, used-car lot balloon? I don't know, really. It is scary to even contemplate. The thing is, though, even if there is fairly healthy stuff, like decent cereal and skim milk, for example - I will still intentionally overeat that stuff when I am upset. So - I don't know that it really matters WHAT is in the cupboards. It is more like what is in my HEAD. Although I must say that there are currently two Hershey Bars in my pantry and there used to be four - things like that tend to call my name louder than oatmeal or hummus, you know?

I don't know if that was much use to anyone but I wanted to muse about it a bit and so...there you go. Okay, everyone have a good week and I will try to be nicer to myself. And not eat too much crap at the Bar Convention, though I doubt there will be much good shit there. I will try not to die of boredom, surrounded by my endlessly fascinating colleagues. Wish me luck. I may be so bored I do another blog entry. How novel.

HYC Check In - Am Fine...Still Flabby

2008-09-08T21:24:00.000-07:00

Hello, fellow blogsters - let's give a big warm welcome back to ME!!!! And thanks to those of you who have expressed concern as to my brief hiatus from blogging - well, I guess it was more like two months. That's not so brief, now, is it? Well, shit, I've just been BUSY. Busy overeating, busy not working out, busy wasting time - you know, THAT kind of busy. The kind of busy when one just doesn't really feel like doing a lot of self-examination and reflection - the DENIAL kind of busy. The busy that you just keep buzzing away at until one day you pull on your jeans and you realize that your ass has expanded so much that you can't walk comfortably, seeings as the seam of your jeans is digging into your unmentionables.

Yeah, so - anyway, that's where I am at. And not very happy about it but hey - I'm back and at least thinking about taking better care of myself again so... that's progress in my book. Last night I even washed my face. So there - total self-improvement is just inches beyond my grasp, I can tell.

As described above, my pants are tight, which means I've definitely put a few pounds on the old keester. I've not been wanting to wear my fancy jeans (translation: jeans I would have never paid that much money for but since they were a gift from my parents I am fine wearing them) because I get that dreaded sausage-like overhang at the hip (also known as "muffin top" or "bra sausage" when found on the upper body) and feel like I have to wear extremely long shirts to keep those fleshy ledges under wraps. I used to complain about the long length of tee shirts lately but this past weekend I found myself admiring the long tops at Target and appreciating their fat-covering qualities. I knew it then - I was expanding and compensating for it, rather than saying "WTF! Drop the fork!"

I probably weigh about 153, I would venture to guess. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning and confirm the awful truth. Actually, you know, it's not awful - it just is what it is. At least it's not 200 - that is a number I NEVER want to see again, and I am nowhere near it so - phew! Sometimes I think about all of the weight I've lost and I think, "Jeez, it used to be 70 to lose - now I have only 20 to lose - I know I can do it, as I've already done it twice plus 10 so - what's the damned problem?" Commitment. Dedication. Not being a lazy ass or making excuses to eat crap I shouldn't. I am under no illusions. This is my deal - nobody else's. I just need to decide and do it.

Okay, so - Hope everyone has a great week and I promise to be back here next week. I will drink my water and eat my protein and uh, NOT eat crap. Oh - and I will exercise at least 3 times. Sometimes making those mini-goals are all I can manage. Like I said, it's all progress in the right direction - self-care. I'm not very good at that, but I am glad that I can see it now, and acknowledge it, and try to do better.

Alright - I am going to wash my face now. Two days in a row...it's almost a habit.

HYC Check-In / The WHY of Emotional Eating - Do We Really HAVE to Know?

2008-06-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

I read a lot of weight loss blogs and the comments of other readers often, usually on a daily basis. There is a recurrent issue that I see pop up and it has recently begun to bug me - like, make me want to write long comments and risk the wrath of other commenters who think I am being mean and awful and uncaring. Well, damn it, this is MY blog and I am just going to say this stuff because it helps ME - if you don't like what I say, well - it's been nice having you visit.

So here's the issue... Why, if we are here to help each other, do I read so many comments that actually ENABLE destructive eating and inaction toward reaching goals? For example - One blogger that I read often is really having a struggle with "getting back on track." She is intentionally overeating and is gaining back her weight - slowly, but it's happening. She continues to spiral, though she claims to remain positive in the face of her own ruthless self-sabotage. The comments are positive, of course - supportive and loving, to some degree. But nobody says what needs to be said. Instead, people suggest that she should take time to find out WHY she is doing this to herself. Strip your soul bare, figure out what makes you want to overeat, analyze your feelings and somehow, that is going to make this woman completely change her life patterns and stop trashing herself. My question is, does it really matter WHY she is doing it? To me, the answer is to STOP doing it, not become stagnant as you wallow around in the mire of feelings and emotions. Those nasty things will adhere to your ankles and keep pulling you under until you just give up the fight. Taking a stand against yourself is a lot harder than simply giving in and letting the waves of self-pity and doubt drown you.

Now before you start calling me a big ol' bitch, just consider this - Sometimes we really NEED someone to say "Snap out of it and stop feeling sorry for yourself." And sometimes, that someone HAS to be us - because nobody else is going to give us the cold, hard truth - at least not in your blog comments. A really good friend MIGHT do it but even then... usually not. I believe that we don't give that cold truth to people because we don't want to hear it ourselves. We want life to be nice and simple and wow, if only I find out WHY I make such screwed up decisions by reading the right book or getting the right therapist or joining the right group or finding the right religious belief THEN I will have the answer and all will suddenly be RIGHT. I will be FIXED. And then life will be PERFECT. It's just another pipe dream, though - just because you find out WHY you act a certain way is not going to stop you from acting that way.

I know this from experience because I am an alcoholic and have been living with this internal fight for a very long time. WHY I drink or WHY I am an alcoholic, while important, is not what keeps me from drinking. I've known why I am an alcoholic for many, many years but that did not stop me from nearly destroying my entire life and the lives of others around me. I have to actively make choices to take care of myself every single day and that requires work - it requires accountability, responsibility, and discipline. Because I tell you, if I just sat around wondering why I was a lush all the time (and I did, for YEARS) I would just keep getting drunk. Thinking too much is what keeps alcoholics drinking - at least this alcoholic. I KNOW that I drink because of things that happened to me in the past but I can't dwell on those things if I am going to live a good life. I acknowledge those things but I don't waste time hanging out with them. Action (and a lot of prayer) is how I get out of myself and my feelings. Feelings are not facts - that has been a hard lesson for me and one that I have to keep re-digesting.

For me, the weight loss process is very similar to my alcoholism because I am an emotional eater. I eat to escape my feelings, just like I drink to escape feelings. I don't see the two being very different, at least for me. So when I see people advising others to sit and ponder their weight problem or why they are sabotaging themselves or whatever, I just get the urge to scream "Stop now, before your life passes you by!" Don't think about it too long or before you know it, you will be 40, 50, 60, 70, whatever and the best years of your life will have been spent on examining the WHY, without taking action toward the WHY NOT. Don't stagnate - don't be caught in analysis paralysis. Take ACTION. And you just might find, as I have, that a lot of the WHY is actually discovered during action.

Have a great week, everyone.

HYC Check In: Can't Complain!

2008-06-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sure I could come up with something to complain about but my title has to do with the fact that I am just not feeling very disgruntled or unhappy right now - what a shocker! I saw my headshrinker this morning and he said that I appeared to be doing very good. Well hey - thanks! I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that I am being good to myself, eating all kinds of fruits and vegetables and working out to Turbo Jam into the wee hours of the night. Last night it was 9:30PM and all I wanted to do was drag my ass into bed but NO - instead, I dragged my ass downstairs and did 43 minutes of high-intensity cardio. THEN I had a WW ice cream and went to bed. Now that is the way to end a day.

I had lost 2 pounds when I weighed in on Saturday, so I am at 148, officially. I'm trying not to weigh in at all on my own scale and just stick to what I see at WW. I find that I am incredibly disciplined during the week with food and exercise but then, well - Saturday and Sunday get a little hairy and I have not TRACKED during those days for the last two weeks. Still, I've lost 3.2 since getting back to business at WW so - just think of what I could do if I actually kept track of stuff on the weekends! Perhaps that will be a goal this weekend - or perhaps not. Today I am not feeling especially pressured to lose it fast - tomorrow I could feel totally different!

I think we have finally found a new house to rent, as the one that we are currently living in is being sold. We were going to buy but I tell you those lenders are tight as HELL right now and we couldn't get approved for what we want so - we are just going to rent again. Nice thing is, we found a gorgeous, brand new house for rent so - that's fine with me! I really don't mind renting, despite all of the hype about home ownership being the shit and all. I've owned two homes and neither one of them really did me any good! We will buy eventually but for now... it's rent city. And in keeping with my current laid back attitude, that's cool... But this all means I will be having to pack up all my crap within the next month. Ugh.

Hope everyone is doing great at HYC!

HYC Check In - It's All Good

2008-06-09T21:18:00.000-07:00

My test results came back okay - well, I mean, okay as in - I'm not dying of cancer! Apparently it was a good thing that they did this particular type of biopsy because there was some moderate to severe dysplasia that was traveling up my cervix toward the uterus but the biopsy was significant enough to remove it all. There are a few other bits I could share but eew, gross - let's just say I am good for now. I will have another pap in 4 months and see what's up. If the dysplasia cells are not back, I will be in the clear to begin trying to conceive again. Yay! Now I can just concentrate on shrinking my butt instead.

Went to WW on Saturday - lost 1.2 so not too bad but I think it should have been more. That's just my personal thought and all - I don't care what my body thinks, that is what I, my BRAIN, thinks. I have been working my buns off to the Turbo Jam DVDs. Man, that Punch, Kick and Jam one is a KILLER - I mean, I am absolutely dripping the sweat - and I am in pretty good shape! Anyone who says Turbo Jam "didn't work" wasn't doing something right!

I have been perusing the WW chat boards lately and I am always amazed to see some of the comments. Recently someone asked for some DVD recommendations and of course, I recommended Hip Hop Abs and Turbo Jam because both have given me great results. I checked back later to see what other folks had said and at least two people said that Hip Hop Abs "didn't work" for them. One of the women actually said that she'd done it "twice" and it didn't help her abs so she wasn't using it and wouldn't recommend it. OMG, people - it is not an INSTANT life change these videos offer - you actually have to use them consistently for WEEKS and MONTHS to see positive, long term results. It just cracks me up how we are often seeking such instant gratification or satisfaction from things - myself included much of the time! I want to take a pill or read a book and be instantly changed forever for the good - I am looking for the SECRET, you know? But hey - I found out that there is no secret, at least to losing weight. Eat less, move more - that's how it works. Simple, but very difficult at the same time.

Anyway - enough from me. My HYC Check in is EARLY. I can't believe it. Hope everyone is doing great.

HYC Check In - Doing Okay Today

2008-06-04T10:22:00.000-07:00

Well, the surgery went fine. And frankly, it was no big deal. I really have not had any significant pain (tylenol and/or ibuprofen took care of it) and I was out shopping for clothes with my mom the very next day.

I am still waiting to hear if the pathology people Found Anything. It has been 5 business days, guys - Hell-O! Part of me is absolutely certain they are going to tell me everything is fine, come back for another lovely pap smear in 3 months, blah blah blah. Another part of me is certain that I will hear I have cancer and have to have an immediate hysterectomy and chemo. There is no middle ground in my mind! However, I will try to contain my morbid thoughts until I hear the official word which should be any time now. I have a follow up appointment scheduled for next Wednesday so perhaps they are waiting to spread the joy until next week? Hmmm...

In other news, I am "back in the saddle" on the weight loss front. I am back to 148, after a brief visit to 152. Am working out like a mad woman and tracking my WW points religiously. My goal (yes, I have actually set a goal this time - like ON PAPER, even) is to be at goal by July 12. That is six weeks - I know I can do it. I am tired of messing around. PLUS - now that I've had this surgery, I can't get pregnant for at least 4 months, possibly more, so why not use that time to get in the best shape of my life? My husband is talking about going on an amazing vacation to the British Virgin Islands in October so I would like to look amazing for that little event. I've got the time here to do it so - I just need to get off my ass and do it.

Will keep all posted on the cervical drama and my weekly WW weigh in on Saturday. I go at the ungodly hour of 7:30AM on Saturdays - not because it fits my schedule best or is convenient or any of that - I want to be able to weigh right as I get out of bed and before I take in a drop of liquid. I don't know how people can STAND to weigh in in the evening! It would drive me nuts. Anyway - that's what's going on for me today. Living one day at a time....

HYC Check In / Trying to Be SANE Today

2008-05-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

Turns out I am having my little womanly surgery next Wednesday, May 28. Eeeew! I am not looking forward to it at all but a part of me is relieved to be having it done sooner rather than later. I am wavering between sadness and fear - back and forth, back and forth. Of course I am scared that they might find something awful in there but even more, I am afraid that having the surgery itself may make having another baby a problem.

I've done a lot of reading about these cone biopsies and have certainly read plenty of positive outcomes for people so - I am just focusing on living one day at a time instead of catastrophizing everything and in my mind. If I let myself, I can work myself up into a full-fledged scenario of me, in a hospital bed, fading off into death at a mere 39 years old...I know, I can't keep being so negative but hey, you know what? That shit happens. Until I receive the news after the surgery, however, I will do my best to maintain a postive attitude. Screw you, you nasty little abnormal dysplasia cell a-holes. Go away - we don't need you here!

On the health front... I've gained a few pounds. The jeans are feeling a mite bit tight today... It's only about 3 or 4 pounds but still - I'm disappointed. Of course, I knew I would gain weight because HELLO - I'm doing plenty of emotional eating - but it still sucks to see those numbers on the scale. What I NEED to do is to just make sure I am exercising - I've had a bad attitude about that lately, too. If only I could take care of myself the way that I try to take care of others. I would be so healthy and in fantastic shape!

Signing off now - my husband has some special thing planned for us tonight and will be here any time now. We didn't get to celebrate our anniversary 2 weeks ago so we are doing it tonight, instead. Of course, I am hoping it is an amazing meal of some kind!! Some things never change.

The News...Not So Great

2008-05-13T09:27:00.001-07:00

I talked to my GYN this morning - I have to have the cone biopsy AND and D & C. SHIT! I am not happy about this at all, naturally. And it's not really the surgery or even the possibility of having cancer that bugs me - it's more the fact that this might just interfere with my ability to have another child. All this lollygagging around, "waiting" to lose weight - I surely hope I have not lost my chance to have another child.

Okay, so WHOA - we aren't really there yet, are we? I haven't been told I have cancer or that I have to have a hysterectomy or anything. They just want a piece of my cervix and the chance to scrape it out a little. Gross - glad I will be asleep for all of this cutting and scraping business. Anyway - just thought I should write about it instead of just sitting here crying intermittently about it. Bottom line is that I would gladly have all of the womanly parts removed if it meant being alive for my son in the future. So there. The surgery will be in about 4 to 6 weeks. I'm sure I will have plenty to say about it over the next several weeks.

HYC Check-In / Stress Central

2008-05-13T09:27:00.000-07:00

I am feeling quite stressed out this week. Tons of work to do, a hearing next week, finding out about financing on our "almost" new house, finding out if I have to have another nasty GYN procedure - so much fun stuff, I can just hardly stand it. Oh, and my son fell and smashed his nose on our deck so I am also stressing about his potential broken nose and how he is going to look like some crooked-faced boxer for the rest of his life. Right now the skin around his eyes is turning a lovely shade of purply-red-black and he has a gigantic scab on the bridge of his nose. He is so brave, though - he just points to his nose and says stoically - "Owie, Mama, owie." I, on the other hand, am filled with a general sense of fear and dread most hours of the day lately.

I am trying to stay positive and trying to make a few positive choices for myself - for example, today I am making a conscious effort to drink all of my water. And I plan to take a walk/run later this afternoon, provided that the weather holds. It has been raining quite a bit lately but at least it has stopped snowing, for crying out loud! I don't think the weather here realizes that it is ALMOST SUMMER - hello?!! Shorts? Tank tops? Flip-flops? I tried to buck the system the other day and defiantly wore my flip flops - a real mistake when it is 32 degrees outside. I found out quickly that socks and close-toed shoes are a much better choice for spring in Siberia (I mean, Montana).

My health is, according to the recent stats taken at the GYN, pretty damned good, other than my apparently abnormal cervix cells. My BP is fantastic still and my weight is, well - one hell of a lot better than it was two years ago!! It is amazing to think that I weighed 200 pounds when I started this whole weight loss journey. Do I still have some to lose - yeah, but it still feels really good when a nurse or doctor looks at my chart and says "Wow, you've really lost a lot of weight!"

I have a weight loss pattern. I tend to lose some and then stagnate for awhile. My mental state is usually this - I am happy that I've lost (say, for example, 20 pounds) and then stay at that weight for awhile, feeling good about the accomplishment. I am thinking - damn, I look good. Then, inevitably, I start to feel unhappy with where I am - not satisfied, not finished with the journey. So I lose another 10 or 15 pounds. Then - the stagnation kicks in again - I feel good, look better, etc., and then the cycle begins again. So right now, I am at my last point of stagnation - I can really only lose about 10 or 15 more - that would put me right in the healthy and fabulous zone. I am just waiting for Motivation to get here - I wish she would hurry up - I am getting sick of waiting for her ass.

I am not feeling especially bad right now about my weight, though. I am just taking some time to simply exist and get through the next couple of months, which are bound to be stressful. I can just hang out here at this weight for another summer (which wouldn't be the end of the world) or I can take some immediate action and drop the last 10 or so - having such a focus right now might actually help the stress and obsessing about things I cannot control. So I will just consider these options and report back later. Also, when I hear from the GYN (which should be today) I will update with my prognosis. I am hopeful that my cervix will turn out to be perfectly average and normal. For once, I prefer to just be an average chick.

Still Alive, Still Flabby!

2008-05-09T09:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I thought it might be time to do a blog entry since I haven't done one in about SIX WEEKS. What a bum - Actually, I have just been pretty overwhelmed with work and other drama - trying to buy a house, a lovely colposcopy and biopsy at the GYN, eating too many chocolate covered graham crackers, trying to console my seemingly constant-tantruming son - that kind of shit. And well, I just haven't been very good about taking care of ME lately.

It started with slacking off my daily water intake. Then I started letting in a few extra points here and there. Then I stopped tracking my food on WW.com. Then I stopped exercising consistently. Then I started getting depressed and nasty. Funny how that downward spiral can really gain momentum if you let it. In any event, I am on the upswing, although I did not drink my bottle of water this morning. Must do that right away.

So I had to go for this awful procedure with the GYN and should be finding out the results here fairly soon. I am hopeful that it is good news - cuz if it is not, I am going to be freaking OUT. I do not want to proceed to the next most awful-sounding procedure - the dreaded CONE biopsy, where they take a big old chunk from your cervix while you are blissfully under anesthesia. Can you say GROSS, PAINFUL and SCARY, all at once? Man, I would really be pissed off it it ultimately turned out that I had cancer. Chances are very slim but you just never know.

In baby-making news, we did not "get pregnant" last month and now I am thinking that is a good thing since I am having these cervical issues. Once I find out I am okay (see, I am being positive) we will proceed! My periods have been irregular lately, though, complicating a seemingly simple procedure! In fact, I am suffering a nasty period today - being a woman is just so much FUN! Oh well - enough about my vagina, already.

My weight today was 146. I have maintained pretty well through my LAPSE of commitment but I need to get my ass motivated and drop this last 10. And I want to give a shout out to all my girls at HYC who came by and left me comments over the past few weeks - thanks for the support!

HYC Check in / More Baby Talk

2008-03-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

Still talking about the baby issue but now I've got some happy news. Talked with the husband again about it - we have decided to go ahead and start trying. So I've been waiting patiently for my period since last Tuesday but alas - there is no period.

This is very weird because my period has been like clockwork for the last few years. I have already taken a pregnancy test (okay, two) and I am not pregnant so what gives? Of course, I automatically begin thinking that I must have cancer or something - that, or I am beginning the "change" and now I won't be able to have anymore babies. Whatever - maybe I am just incredibly STRESSED OUT. It wouldn't be the first time that my period has stayed away on account of life drama.

So while I wait for the flow, I am going to keep busy losing this last 10. That was part of the deal with the husband - must stay on task while "trying" so that when I find out I am knocked up, I will be fabulously svelte and ready to gain it all back. Not really - I hope not to gain more than 40, which is about what I gained last time (but I STARTED at 180 - that was no good). Also, in other news that doesn't revolve around the size of my ass, my blood pressure is consistently excellent again. That is a big deal, because the BP is what caused me to have to have my son 4 weeks early so I hope to also keep the BP reasonable during any further pregnancies.

As for the weight loss, well - I've been hanging out here at 145. Didn't gain, didn't lose - just hanging. I do a lot exercise so I guess I make up for some of my eating indiscretions but it totally sucks to do that much hard exercise and not really see any result - other than a static number. OH well - I guess it aint going up, and that is good news. So that is all I really have to say today - going to make good choices for the remainder of this week and I am committing to GOING to Weight Watchers because I have skipped the meeting for the last two weeks. How high school - I didn't want to go and see a gain. Okay, so - Go Stephanie! You can do it! I am usually rooting for others so I thought perhaps today I would root for myself. Rah rah!!

HYC Check-In / Weight-ing For Baby

2008-03-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

This week has been, uhhhh, okay, I guess. Last week was a bust for weight loss. On Thursday morning I weighed 143.2 - I was amazed - but then Friday morning and Saturday morning weighed 144.8 - WTF? I ate within my points and exercised my ASS off and for what? So on Saturday I totally did not want to go to WW because I knew I would record a slight gain - which I did, only .2, but STILL. And I just kept obsessing about it all day on Saturday, pissed off and glum that I did not lose anything.

Which brings me to today - I went to see my headshrinker and spilled some stuff to him that I had been keeping back, which felt good. He asked about my goals for pregnancy (because we had been discussing that a few months back) and I told him that I was waiting until I lost some more weight before we started trying. He, like most people, said that I didn't need to lose any weight and that I looked fine. Of course, the guy doesn't see me naked, but at the same time, something clicked in my head. I DO look fine - I am HEALTHY. So why AM I feeling so compelled to get to this particular goal of 135? I'm about 145 - what's wrong with that? Whenever I try to explain it, I feel like an idiot.

It is just the goal I set for myself - it is not an unrealistic goal, at least, I don't think it is. I am 5' 5 inches tall and 38 years old. 135 is a healthy weight for my build, which is "medium" (though I am convinced that my wrists are quite delicate and indicate my body's yearning to be in the "small" frame category). I have weighed 135 in the past - well, it's been quite awhile, really. I weighed 135 for a MINUTE back in 2004 and then promptly ate the 40 pounds I had just lost (in 9 weeks) back onto my body. Then I got pregnant at 180 - then I gave birth at 220 and now, two years later, I am at 145. And wondering two things....

1) Why the goal of 135? and
2) Why, if I want another baby so badly, haven't I done what it takes to lose the rest?

The shrink pointed out that perhaps I am not mentally ready to have another child and I have to agree that this is a high possibility - I've been dragging my feet on the weight loss for a long time, despite my professed desire to have a second child. The goal weight is very close now yet I am in no rush to get there and in fact, have been sabotaging myself for months. I get a little progress, then I back-pedal. Get closer, stop. Get closer, stop again. And I am not really frustrated with myself - I know I can lose it when I decide to finish the job but I still like to think about the WHY part - what is going on in my subconcious? I have no answer today - just musing here - but it is food for thought.

As for the goal itself, well - I am forced to admit that my husband is a big part of what is pushing me toward it. Not in a mean way but in a way that says, "Stephanie, you won't be satisfied if you don't finish the job. I know you - you will be happier if you meet your goal of 135." But I can't help feel sometimes like he is holding some carrot in the air (or maybe a piece of pizza, which is much more desireable to me) saying "I won't give you the pizza until you fit this mold!" and the pizza, is, of course, a BABY. He is withholding my "prize," in essence, until I hit this magic number. Then, of course, I will have permission to gain weight but until then, the game if off. It bothers me, despite the fact that it is all for a good cause (a healthy pregnancy). There is no guarantee that I will immediately become pregnant upon hitting 135. I am filled with "what if's" and hopeful that I will not be saying "if only" at some later date.

Whoa - that's a lot of babble but it's important for me to talk about, write out, whatever. When you put words down in some written form, it gives life and a sense of reality to whatever it is you're feeling and writing about. This struggle is very real for me and for some reason the visit with the shrink made me really think about the WHY of the goal. It doesn't mean that I am going to change everything or anything, for that matter, but at least I am getting closer to knowing just a little bit more about myself and the things that drive me.

As a final note, I must confess that I ate two donuts today and I am not even mad at myself about it. Sometimes a maple bar is just called for. Thank God for Turbo Jam.

E. E. E. E. - Early Evening Eating Episode

2008-03-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

I'm going through my day, making good choices about food, drinking my water, planning a workout, etc. I get off work, go pick up the kid, drive home and unload from the vehicle. I walk inside, see that the dog has ripped into a bunch of diet powder packets that I stupidly left in a large baggie that he could access and I begin to stress. I'm hollering, shoving the bad, bad beast out the door, ripping the vacuum cleaner from the closet and sighing dramatically as my son stands near the powder explosion on the carpet, pointing and repeating "Ba Ha! Ba Ha!" (That's "Bad Hoss! Bad Hoss!" for those not familiar with two-year-old speak).

So I get it all hoovered up and turn to tending to my Wyatt, who then starts clamoring for "ju eye" and "coo coos." I get his juice with ice and his cookies (which is really Oatmeal Squares Cereal, goldfish crackers - anything that I stick in his snacking container, really) and turn on Sponge Bob Squarepants, because I know that the next words out of his wee maw will be "Ba Bob, Mama." I take a deep breath and throw myself onto the couch, trying to plan what it is I am going to eat for dinner. And suddenly, I am looking at that container of coo coos and thinking, "damn, that cereal looks good."

I start with a few squares - "Oh, what is a point or two, really?" Then I move on to more squares, which I measure out in a 1/2 cup dose, minus the few I ate so that I know for sure I've eaten 2 points worth. Still trying to plot my dinner, I figure out that I will make an english muffin pizza and go downstairs to hang with Wyatt until Justin gets home. And for whatever reason, I just start eating more and more cereal. Then a few chips with hummus. Then some more cereal, then a few goldfish until suddenly I am in full-on snacking mode and just going for it. Ultimately, I ended up just eating a bowl of cereal for dinner, enough to fill me up so that I did not want anything else to eat. But I was so mad at myself for the transgression of the snack attack and for going over my points that I did not do the exercise I had planned to do. I was too "depressed." Whatever, Stephanie!

I am WELL AWARE that this time period, say, from 5:45 to 7:00-ish, is by far the hardest time for me to avoid overeating. I am usually hungry, tired and tense from working all day and then wrangling with my son while we wait for Daddy to get home. It is a STRESS eating event, for sure. Even if I am not hungry, I WANT to eat. And its not like I want to eat garbage foods, necessarily - I just want to eat whatever is available, which is usually cereal, whole-grain chips, hummus, dried apricots, etc. But no matter the quality of the food, it can still cause weight problems when eaten in excess. It occurred to me last night and again, this morning, that I really need to make some sort of plan for myself so that I don't continue to sabotage my weight loss efforts.

Today, I made a point of eating less points for breakfast and my morning snack. I am going to try and move some of my points down into the day so that I CAN eat a snack when I get home and not go over points. It's that deprivation mindset that washes over me like a tidal wave at times... Being on WW has really helped with that but still - it comes back now and again. The baby in me screams "WHY can't I eat 3 cups of cereal? WHY?" And then I have to remind myself - "Oh yeah - I have 9 more pounds to lose... plus, if I eat like that often, I will gain back the weight I've already lost..." It is a battle - not so constant anymore, but still I am forced to fight at least a few times per week.

I have to keep my goal in mind and I have to keep my core reason for getting to that goal crystal clear in my mind - I want to have another baby - SOON. And I want to have a healthy pregnancy this time - I don't want to feel like an over-inflated zepplin who can barely reach her ass when she has to wipe it. I want to feel healthy and happy - because it is likely going to be my last pregnancy and I really want to enjoy it.

So - I am committing to sticking to my points today and also, to do my workout tonight. I get so tired sometimes and that is such an easy excuse for not wanting to workout - for example, tonight I won't even get a chance to workout until at least 9PM. But - I've got to do it and I will do it because it is a decision I've made to be healthy. A DECISION, not an attempt. There is a huge difference between the two.

Healthy You Challenge

2008-02-28T08:54:00.001-08:00

See that big old "50" button on the right? Yep, that means I've lost 50 FRICKIN' POUNDS. Count 'em up, sucka! Dat's right! Okay - enough of that, already. So, I joined on with this group of chicks (click on 50 pound thing and you'll go there, it's true) over at scalejunkie.com or healthyyou.scalejunkie.com (or whatever it says on that damned button) so that I can be a healthier me in 2008. And judging by the entry below that I wrote earlier today, it sounds like I could use some HEALTH, already. Yes, I'm happy to be losing weight and getting a healthier body but what really needs some health is my MIND, my THOUGHTS. Anyway - this is my special introductory blog post - sorry I am not saying much but am feeling a bit spent after my efforts in the earlier post. Also, I need to stop screwing off here and get some work done.

Glad to be a part of the challenge! Thanks, scale junkie!!

Taming the Inner...ahem...Slut

2008-02-28T08:54:00.000-08:00

I left a post on another blog at http://momtothescreamingmasses.typepad.com/the_elf_diet/ (Sorry I have no idea how to do that cute thing where you just say "here" and it takes you to the site) about "Can you be too afraid to lose weight?" I was pretty honest when I said this:

There are reasons for keeping the weight on, definitely. For me (and I speak for myself only), it shields me in some ways from my own dangerous addictions, like sex and men. When I am fat, I don't tend to have the wandering eye and the lustful thoughts - I KNOW nobody is looking. But when I am thin, I still turn heads and that attention, as good as it might feel, can be a powerful pull for me to engage in behaviors or thoughts that are ultimately destructive to me (and my family).

I am ten pounds from my goal now - the attention has officially begun. I just try to keep my mind on my relationship with God, the reasons for my weight loss (health, a new pregnancy) and realize that being fat is no protection - I have to face my sin addictions (alcohol is also one of my demons!) head on without the barriers of fat, denial and self-sabotage.

I got encouragement from others to expand on this line of thought.... as uncouth as it may be to some folks - so I shall delve just a bit deeper here. Maybe you can't relate but I know there are some out there that absolutely can.

I am an alcoholic - a label that tends to say "I can't handle the drink!" But really, the alcoholism is a mere symptom of the actual problem. When I really take a look at the vast array of "addictions" I've struggled with (alcohol, drugs, promiscuity, cutting, anorexia, binge-eating... it goes on and on...) it is clear to me that the substance or behavior is not what I am addicted to - it is the self-abuse or self-destruction - the action of hurting myself, over and over.

In relation to the post above about being afraid of losing weight, I have to say that I have had many, many thoughts throughout my weight loss about how "dangerous" it is for me to be thin and attractive - that my evil-side, twin, whatever (my husband and I, in the past, have called this alter-ego "She" - you know, "She" comes out to play, wreak havoc, etc.) is more apt to be active when there are others showing interest in me on a purely physical level. I've never felt "safer" than when I was pregnant - I knew then, without a doubt, that I was safe from having to deal with any of that crap. But the baby comes out, life goes on and the weight is almost gone now. I get very scared to think that in the past two and a half years, I've put together a good life with my husband and son here in Montana - and that all of that could be affected terribly if SHE comes sniffing around again. And I can't deny that She has been knocking on the door lately, with every pound that drops. Male attention is like someone handing me a beer. I say "no thank you" but that doesn't stop me from thinking on it for awhile. And I think the thoughts are just as dangerous as the action - I know so.

And about that She girl knocking on the door - that's SATAN knocking, not some abberant piece of me - Satan, sin, temptation - choose a label. In the past several years I've come to recognize and accept that my sinful actions don't make me an evil person. I make a choice influenced by evil. The bottom line is that I know I'm a sinner and that I make bad choices when I don't rely on God for His strength. I also know that I am a good person with a good heart but when I allow sin (and I consider all of these self-abusive behavior to be a sin) to overtake me, I am without hope and my outlook on life can become very bleak, indeed.

Clearly, I have a lot to work on in my life - and I hope I don't make it sound like my life is awful. It surely is NOT - I am blessed (see post and darling photo below) and things are moving in a positive direction on a variety of fronts. But Carmen's question over at the ELFF site (you can hit the link above or over in my blog roll) really got me thinking about how my weight loss and my addictive nature are joined - and that I really DO have some reservations about being thin. However, as I said above - I've got to face this stuff head on, with God by my side.

And BTW - my weight is 145. Officially in last ten.

Moving Closer to the "Last Ten"

2008-02-23T09:58:00.000-08:00

Today I weighed 146.4. Damn, I'm getting closer to that goal of 135! I can't believe I am almost to the "last 10 pounds." Weight Watchers is working famously - and I really like being able to eat whatever the hell I want, as long as I stay within the points. I had no idea I could eat three pieces of bread in one day (or, uh, all in one meal...) and still lose weight. Who knew?

I've also been working out a lot - consistently, which I think is the real key to continued weight loss at this point. I am breathlessly awaiting the arrival of "Turbo Jam: Maximum Results." I love Shaun T. and Hip Hop Abs but I need a slight break from all that booty shaking.

Work is crazy busy - I've had a real lesson in procrastination this past week. I need to just STOP with putting things off until the last minute. I am also about to start working one day per week for my husband's law firm, so I will be working 4 at my firm and 1 there. Things are going to get a bit stressful, I think. I just want to keep moving in a positive direction, which means taking care of myself - I think we can all agree that sometimes that is a very hard thing to do.

Well, off to the craziness of my weekend life. Wash car, cut hair, go to Costco - the usual. I love it and I love my family, even if they drive me insane half the time. I am BLESSED. Seeeee? (Don't ask about that white spot in the photo... I've just spent 20 minutes trying to fix it or erase the photo and I can't...

Back to A Bit Under...Again

2008-02-04T15:26:00.001-08:00

I have officially arrived at 149 again - and it was 149.0, not 149.2 or 149.4, 149.0. I'm not even excited, really - just wishing it would go down further. I've been at the WW thing for a week now and it seems to be going well. Had a slight snafu when I made the WW vegetable soup and perhaps added a little too much salt - I held water like an economy-sized sponge, tipping the scale back up to 151.4 but thankfully, after two days of watching salt and sucking down massive amounts of water (including some lemon water), I'm back where I was before the soup fiasco.

The whole points concept is very thought-provoking for me - I see why it works for people. You learn to make better choices in the types of food you're eating because you realize that you can eat more of healthier foods than you can crap foods. Sure, you CAN eat pizza or cheeseburgers or whatever, if that is ALL you want to eat for the entire day. I get 22 points a day and then I can also earn extra points each day for my exercise - I love that feature.

Also, I get 35 "flex" points per week to be used any time I want - all at once on a splurge, or frittered out over the week, as I see fit. This past week, I saved them all up and then had some fun snacks at a party I went to last night. I know I didn't even eat the entire 35 but I felt in control and made choices that were less damaging, such as shrimp instead of heavily frosted chocolate cake, hummus and salsa instead of cream-based dips, etc. I did eat one small sugar cookie that was fantastic - I would have liked to have sat down and eaten, say, about 5 or 6, but I stopped at 1 and moved on. I just like the WW concept because I can eat what I want and I am in control of the choices, not the diet program.

We had a death in the family (my husband's granfather, Harry) and so tons of folks are coming into town this weekend to attend the funeral. "Bestafar" (grandpa in Norwegian?) was 97 and he is well-remembered by so many people in this town - it's amazing. I just got an email from opposing counsel in a case I am working on and he sent his condolences, telling me that he had bought his very first car from Harry when he was a young whip - so funny! Harry was a bigshot car dealer back in the day, apparently. So we wish Harry off to heaven with all of our love and are so happy that he can reconvene with his sweetheart and love of his life, Harriet, who passed away several years ago. Goodbye, Harry and enjoy the afterlife! We will be joining you soon enough.

Watching My Weight - A New Experience

2008-02-04T15:26:00.000-08:00

So I gave into the blatant consumer-hazing message of Weight Watchers and decided to "stop dieting and start living." And you know what? I'm doin' all right with this points business.

I figured what the hell - it's the last 15 (or SO) and I've never tried it and my sister-in-law belongs and she likes it and damn, I was bored as hell with my other diet so why not? And it's cheap - and I don't have to buy any special foods. You can just shop at the regular store, buy regular food and just keep track of points. I did, however, purchase some of their little carrot cake things that are about the size of one of those pink erasers you used in grade school and must say - not bad for a two-bite, one point eraser. Next up - chocolate postage stamp cookies.

This is CRAZY, though - I weighed myself last Thursday morning - 154.4 - wow, girl. I go to WW that evening (who the hell weighs themselves in the EVENING?) and guess what, I weighed 156.4. I was feeling a little hysterical for a minute but now I am okay - after a few days I am now happily back at 149.2 and SO COOL - I can eat whatever I want. I can eat a piece of bread. I can eat a few goldfish crackers. I can have a latte. I just need to count the damned points. I love it. Deprivation, be gone with you.

Seriously - I am happy about this development. Even happier that I finally was able to wear my gorgeous new True Religion jeans and look totally fab. Will look even more fab in about 10 pounds but you know, they look good right now. And I am happy as hell about that! And finally, most happiest as hell thing I can think of to top off this happy list is that I have only consumed about 12 points today (deadline stress can kill an appetite, you know) so I have enough points to have a truly satisfying dinner. Maybe I will even have TWO erasers.

A Udder-ly Unpleasant Experience

2008-01-23T13:09:00.000-08:00

So the other day I had my first mammogram - I doubt I even spelled that right and frankly, I don't give a rip. I was so freaked out at the prospect of having my boobs squished that I was actually tearing up on the way to the doctor's office. I had to call my MOMMIE to have her soothe my frazzled nerves and tell me that it was no big deal, especially for a girl with jugs like mine. Hmph, I thought. I am sure it will still be terribly painful and bizarre. The receptionist tried to reassure me but I didn't buy her act for a minute.

Well, the bizarre part is surely right but as for pain, well - it really was like Mom and the receptionist said, No Big Deal. The technician was a stoic, handsome woman - mostly business, little small talk. "Bend over, please" she would say and I would bend at the waist so that she could jiggle and bat my boobs around to get them into a (I guess) proper smashing position. Talk about feeling like a prized heifer! Then (this is the worst) she would have me stand up straight while still clutching my boob with two hands like she was holding a Big Mac, and lead me by the boob over to the Giant Mamo Machine for further humiliation and torture.

Once to the machine, she would deftly wrangle my unruly and uncooperative breast under a large clear plastic flattening device, lowering it until I felt like my nipples might pop off and then walking away, leaving me to the horrendously unflattering view of my flattened boob and totally, hopelessly attached to the Machine with no possible means of escape. "Don't breathe" she would say as the machine took its pictures, as if I could really be breathing while my boob is having the life squeezed out of it - Hell, I was holding my breath the whole time, hoping that my implants wouldn't explode!

Afterward, the stoic one showed me the pictures (well, I asked to see them) and I looked but of course, had no idea what I was looking at. My implants looked like two massive outdoor lightbulbs but the rest of the stuff, well - who knows - I could have been looking at rampant cancerous tumors for all I know. But of course, my natural superiority complex took over and I thought "Well, I sure don't see any cancer." In any event, my boobs looked like two ruby red grapefruits afterward as I stuffed them into my bra and headed out the door with my head down. And now I have to do this once a YEAR? Getting old sucks. What's next, hot flashes?

BTW - I went back up over 150. Oh well, that just means I can make another amazing pronouncement in a few days, right? Just for today I am eating clean, drinking my water (oops, I'd better get on that, stat) and exercising tonight. Yay!

By God, I've DONE it!

2008-01-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

It's official - I've broken the 140's barrier. I'm in a new weight decade, if you will, and I am so excited. This morning the scale said 149.6. So I am BARELY beyond the brink but it was mindblowingly exciting, to say the least.

That's about all I've got for today. Trying to drink all of my water and have a set goal to do my exercise tonight. Keeping in mind, of course, the whole "one day at a time" thing. Just for today, I am eating on plan and exercising - oh, and weighing 149.6!! Whoo hoo!

Starting Over, Again and Again

2008-01-14T11:34:00.000-08:00

The starting over thing just happens over and over until you decide that you're going to JUST DO IT. I am not going to rewrite older posts of mine (where I have addressed "the decision" and "just do it") but the point is driven home each time I have to recommit to being committed. Which is like, every week. What we need to be doing, perhaps, is recommitting EVERY DAY. Just like in AA or NA or whatever 12 step program you may be familiar with, taking it "one day at a time" makes anything easier.

So just for today I will stick to my clean eating plan (Lindora being my program of choice currently) and will exercise. See, THIS I can do. Instead of seeing some long, unending stretch of deprivation and greasy sweat & grunt sessions, I can just look at today's goals. That makes it appear easier, anyway!!

Today I weigh 152.2. I've got about 17 to go until my goal of 135. It's in reach, man. And I received some new motivation the other night in a nifty brown box from Nordstrom. I received the designer jeans that my Dad bought me for Christmas. They are now altered for my height and just waiting to caress my curves. I must say, however, that I currently look a bit like a sausage in them. Total muffin-top in the back and a little bit of the mommy crepe-skin belly hangover in the front. A few weeks of cardio and clean eating will have me in these pants in no time, however.

And I'd better get a jump on it, too, because my two girlfriends came over on Saturday in their fancy jeans and I tell you, I felt like the fat girl at a school dance. Now, I am NOT saying that at 152 pounds I am hugely FAT but you know what I mean - when you're standing next to a couple people shaped like pencils, you suddenly realize that the magic-marker body you thought was pretty ok is, perhaps, in need of some work. I would settle for a crayon body, or maybe even sharpie pen. The SMALL one. Oh, I digress, yet again!

So one day at a time. Maybe I will post a picture of a pencil on the refrigerator. In designer jeans.

The Sabotage Monster

2008-01-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

What is it about starting a new regime that makes the Sabotage Monster come out? I feel good, I start my day right (eating clean, drinking my water, etc.) and then from out of nowhere, comes this little voice that says "you could eat _____, since you're under stress. It won't really matter" or "you can eat _____ and then just don't eat dinner and that will be just fine" or some other useless statement that is basically sabotaging myself and my efforts for another day.

I don't get it. The same thing happens with regards to drinking (I am an alcoholic - in recovery, thank God). I'll just be going about my business, doing great, feeling positive and FAR from relapse and then suddenly one day, out of the blue, comes that damned voice - "you could drink today." Because of my religious beliefs, I feel that this voice is Satan, of course, trying to lure me away from a life with God, doing what I was created to do. But part of me also believes that I personally am causing some of the problem, not only because I occasionally give in but because I don't find the strength or do the footwork to STOP the voice or avert the impending disaster and as always, it IS a disaster. But there's always tomorrow, and that is what I tell myself, for the food problem and the alcohol problem. With alcohol, unfortunately, there is no guarantee of tomorrow when one considers how I drink or the choices I make.

I am fascinated by this and I see LOTS of other women (usually in posts or comments I read on other blogs) struggling with that same "I can start again tomorrow" mentality surrounding diet and healthly living. If you are starting again tomorrow, something must have caused you to say "fuck it" today - WHAT IS THAT? We are fooling ourselves - we are sabotaging our own good intentions or, if you have similar beliefs to mine, we are allowing Satan to take control without resorting to God's strength to help us through the issue. I am still contemplating this whole thing - It has been apparent to me in the past few days - the issue keeps rearing its ugly head. Any words of wisdom are of course, welcome.

New Year, New Goal

2008-01-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I am back from all of the holiday / family drama. Not going to write about any of it - screw it, it's over. The one thing I will say is that I did really good on my weight while away. Did I exercise every single day? No - but I did exercise 3 of the days I was there. Did I eat a bunch of crap? I ate some crap, but also made many very good choices. Did I drink all of my water? No - this is where I really fell down. Man it is hard to drink all of that water I am used to drinking when one is away from home. Over all, I maintained m,y damned weight - pretty much. I weighed yesterday at 152.2. Okay, so a pound-ish gain but I think that is pretty f-ing fabulous, all things considered.

Which brings me to the REAL point. It's time to start this weight loss process again. No more dawdling or f-ing off. No more excuses (really, there are NONE available now). I signed up for another 10 week online stint with Lindora - it should start tomorrow. I am eating well today and drinking my water. It's time. My goal is to be at 135 by Friday, February 15. I am going to work my ass off, basically. And I have great motivation - I want to get pregnant, of course, but also, my dad bought me a fabulous pair of designer jeans for Christmas and damn, I want to be able to wear those suckers for a little while before I get knocked up again!

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year and that everyone is ready for a big, fat challenge in the New Year! Whoo Hoo!

Home Pressure Cooker is ON

2007-12-17T10:32:00.000-08:00

I just can't seem to get myself fully back on the diet and exercise bandwagon. Blah! I've been remiss but instead of just lamenting about it here I will just say that I am going to focus over the next two weeks on exercising every day, making healthy food choices and drinking all of my water. COULD I get crazy disciplined and try to lose a few while I am in California visiting family? Yes, I know I could. Do I want that pressure on top of the insanity of dealing with my husband while traveling (a condition, really - HWT is not pretty), my mom and dad, and my screaming, kicking toddler who shouts "NO MAMA" 5o times a day? Not really, but thanks.

My guiding principles for the next two weeks are just going to be encouraging and healthy. No stress, no pressure, at least from myself. It is hard, because my husband has been putting a lot of pressure on me lately. See, I am holding around 150 and have been for around 4 weeks now and so he is preoccupied with my body, my diet and those last 15 pounds that I haven't lost yet. Never mind that I used to weight 200 pounds - no, the important thing is that I lose the last 15 on his timetable. I get so annoyed. Don't get me wrong - I love my husband and most of the time he is just very supportive and helpful and doesn't give me overt pressure about losing weight but recently, he has stepped it up. I know why - he is afraid that I am going to stop here and not lose the rest of the weight. He is afraid that he is always going to have a fat wife. I can't believe I just typed that - I am NOT fat. I wear a size 10 right now. But I am just not where HE wants me to be right this moment.

The bottom line is that I am not even going to contemplate getting pregnant again until I do lose the last 15 so really, he could just rest easy. And I plan start trying to get pregnant in March so - do the math, dude. I can lose 15 pounds pretty quickly when I set my mind to it but having someone pressure me doesn't help AT ALL. It just makes me angry and rebellious and not like I am doing something good for myself. When he pressures me, I just want to cram handfuls of cookies or chips or whatever into my mouth and glare at him with defiance - "Just you TRY to keep the fat from growing now, jerk!!" As if that would really solve anything - but you know, sometimes it DOES make me feel better to eat something when I feel pressured and THAT is the danger of the pressure, unfortunately.

If I were to tell him all of this, he would think that I was just looking for an excuse to pig out or not work toward my goals. Sometimes I think that my husband thinks I am just a lazy cow. That I have no discipline and that I can't control myself. Maybe it is my fault that he has that perception - after all, I have not been a beacon of self-control in the past. But it hurts my feelings when he exerts the pressure - I feel like he doesn't believe me when I say that I am committed but that I just need a bit of a break. We are winding up for this trip to California, getting ready to leave on Wednesday and I am excited but at the same time I am dreading the trip - all of it. The travel, the food, the people, the interaction with my husband and child. I feel overwhelmed and like I can't handle it. God I wish I had a giant bottle of Xanax, but it would probably just make me hungry.

Will post again before we go and will definitely post while I am in Cali - try to keep the sanity, even if just a little shred.

The Importance of Liking What You Do

2007-12-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

I have been giving a lot of thought to my profession lately. I spent all of last week either preparing for or conducting depositions in a case I am handling for two clients who were fired from a hospital. By Friday afternoon, I was so DONE. And I had a lot of time this weekend to think about what the hell I am doing with my life. I am just not very sure that I LIKE being a lawyer - still, after all of these years. Of course, I spent several years doing HR but the past two and a half years have been pretty much lawyer-focused and I just don't know if I want to continue down this path for the next 20 years. Call me crazy, but I think it is very important for a person to take pleasure or at least pride in what they do. I think it is important to LIKE what you do. And lately, I just don't like the lawyer thing.

I would prefer to have more free time - free time to spend with my son, free time to spend cleaning my house or doing laundry or whatever it is I want to focus on. More free time to write, be it on this blog or in my journals or wherever. I would also like to make more money - don't laugh. Despite the belief that all lawyers make loads of money, I am here to tell you that they don't - especially lawyers who live in Montana and have gigantic student loan payments. I make a dismal salary in comparison to the salaries I used to pull in Oregon or California. Am I happier here? Yes. Is my time more flexible? Yes. But do I experience any more satisfaction from my work? No - not really. Some might say that I am being unrealistic in my expectations - I should be happy to have the education I have, I have the potential to make the big bucks, blah blah blah. The bottom line is that I don't WANT to spend the rest of my life slaving away to make money by solving other people's problems. I desire something creative, fulfilling and inspirational. And if I could make enough money to earn a living doing it, that would be great, too.

So I am assessing my options, but discreetly. I don't want anyone thinking that I am ready to jump ship immediately. I am willing to continue practicing law for several years but just don't want to do it forever. I need to have another option, another dream, if you will, out there on the horizon. As I explore these options, I will share about them here. Sometimes just writing stuff down helps me to realize my own wants and needs - it makes things more concrete and REAL. I just need to start focusing on this issue now - I can't wait any more. I'm OLD, for God's sake - and not getting any younger! I will be 40 in 2 years (well, really, 1.5 years, but I like to think of that as 2 years) and can't keep stalling and just hanging in, hoping for something to change. I need to change, is the bottom line. Hmph - food for thought, in any event.

In weight loss news, I am extremely close to dropping into the 140's - a whole new weight decade. YAY!!! I was reading backwards through my older posts and happened upon this one (http://starkravingflab.blogspot.com/2007/04/flabbster-at-law-flabby-esquire.html) discussing my Trying On of the Pants Ritual, also known as my "fashion show." Wow - reading through that helped me really see how far I have come - I have moved through most of the pants listed in the first wave and have moved into (and almost out of) a number of the pants listed in second wave, such as the hot Nordstrom khakis - almost too big now! Not quite to the black Ann Kleins but hey - I've got 15 to go still.

And last but not least, I weighed in this morning at 150.4. I hope tomorrow will show me 149 point something - anything!

Surfacing

2007-12-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

I have been gone for too long - really. Caught up in life, work, and personal drama. It is like coming up from the depths of some really deep water - I feel like I am just under the surface, pushing toward the daylight, moving up slowly, slowly. Well, without going into a long and sordid account of the past, what, TEN or TWELVE days, let me just say that I am back, returning to feeling somewhat normal, and ready to continue my weight loss.

I weighed in this morning at 150.8. I am amazed that with all of the crap I pulled in the past two weeks or so that my weight is anywhere near 150 pounds but alas, it IS. I'm telling you - it's the exercise. I also found that despite some poor choices around food, I still made some very good choices (sandwich without cheese or mayo, 80+ oz of water a day, only eating when hungry) and I am sure that had something to do with the minimized damage. It gives me hope that once I lose the rest of the weight (only 15 to go, I can't believe it), I will actually be able to STAY there and continue to maintain a mostly healthy lifestyle.

Thanks to the folks who have been dropping by and leaving comments. Isn't it funny how seeing that someone else is reading your shit actually makes you want to do good? It is like having a little rah-rah injection when I see that someone actually took a moment to give me a comment. So thanks - I drop by a lot of other blogs and try to comment on them (perhaps comment too much on some of them!!). I find that it really helps me stay connected, although I have been BAD BAD the past few weeks about doing anything on the internet, other than blazing through my inbox when I got five minutes. So the gist of this highly random paragraph was just to say thank you and I appreciate your kind words, all of ya.

We are leaving for vacation next week - or should I say, we are leaving to stay with my parents next week for the Christmas holiday. It is rare that I feel I am on "vacation" when at my parents house because the stress quotient is so high. And it isn't always my parents causing the problem - my husband becomes the main source of stress for me. I just need to chill - see, I am already worried about it and it is still over a week away. My goal will be to try and be calm and not eat everything that is not nailed down. No - my goal will be to just relax and maintain. I am trying to drop 1 or 2 pounds before we go and then want to make sure I exercise each day that I am home. At least I can bring the Hip Hop Abs along - yay! I am sure my 72 year old Dad is going to love listening to Shaun T tell us all to "smack dat." Better yet, I am sure my Dad will try to DO the smack dat. He is such an overachiever, he is.

I hope we all have a great week - viva la weight loss!!

Feeling Grabby

2007-11-29T09:31:00.000-08:00

I've been neglectful of my blogging duties the past several days. Well, actually, I think it's been a whole week. Wow - It started with Thanksgiving Day and just sort of unrolled from there. I ate a TON on Thanksgiving Day and then struggled to get back on plan for several days afterward. I went from 152.0 on Thanksgiving morning to 156.4 the next morning and then slowly dipped back down to 150.8 by this Tuesday morning. How's that for some water weight? It just goes to show that when you indulge, your weight will soar temporarily but ultimately, if you keep exercising and get back to healthy eating, it will return to its original place or, as in my case, continue to go down. I still struggled mightily, though, to get myself back on track food-wise.

And today, I am still struggling. Last night I had a bit of a food freak-out. I have discovered that the absolutely WORST time for me, stress-eating wise, is the time between 5PM and 7PM. I am rushing home from work, picking up my son, arriving home and trying to feed myself and the kid, waiting on my husband to get home, worrying about when I will get to work out - the list goes on. By the time Wyatt is put down to bed at around 7:30PM, I am just starting to feel some relief. I know it is a tough time for me and it doesn't help that we have a bunch of crap food left over from the weekend - chips, pretzels, and these really nasty pink sugar cookies that I kept thinking would be marvelous with chocolate ice cream stuffed between two of them... (Note to self - rid house of all ice cream NOW).

So this morning I weighed 151.6. Big deal - I will take care of it in a few days time and will be in the 140's - a weight decade that I have not seen in at least 3 years. But I am still worried for myself - I don't like my frame of mind. I am letting stress get to me - making me feel the need to reach out and stuff myself with food. Last night, I obsessively looked through one of my favorite books called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp because there was a sentence or paragraph in there that explained exactly how I am feeling right now. After about an hour, I found it - Knapp called this feeling "grabbiness" - A desperate feeling of needing mixed with the fear of not getting enough. Seeking something external to fix something internal. Well, she says it much more eloquently, of course, but that word "grabbiness" had come into my head and I could not stop thinking about it. I feel WANT.

I have a lot of fear right now about money and security. I have MOUNTAINS of student debt (both my husband and I, actually) and a gigantic payment is coming due in December that we have never had to deal with before. I am fretting, worrying and stressing about this thing and it makes me crazy. What it really makes me want to do is eat pizza or the absolute worst thing in the world that I could do - drink. I know neither of these options is going to help matters but man, sometimes it just helps to be numb, if only for a little while. I have to just keep in mind that numbing myself (not to mention sabotaging and abusing myself) is not the answer. I just have to keep moving forward, praying for God's guidance and asking that the desperate, grabby feeling of fear be removed from me. I have to trust that God will take care of us.

Shedding

2007-11-21T09:16:00.001-08:00

As I have been shedding weight over this past month or so, I've noticed that I am also "shedding" in other areas of my life. It is as if by losing the pounds from my body, a weight has been lifted from my heart as well and I feel ready to begin delving into other projects that involve getting rid of things - things that are weighing me down, emotionally, spiritually and even physically.

There is my nightstand drawer, for example. I have ignored my nightstand drawer for, say, at least a year. Probably more, actually, because when we moved, we just wrapped plastic wrap around it and I left everything intact - "everything" being a bunch of CRAP. My top drawer is filled with old receipts, random pills and keys, pens, scraps of useless paper, magazine articles I am "saving," pieces of used dental floss - the list goes on and on. (Recently, my husband had to go into the drawer to find a nail clipper and wanted to know why I had a ramekin of peanut butter in there - well, I was just too lazy to take it downstairs, of course). Among all of this crap, there are a few meaningful things, too - my son's dried up little belly button (yes, it is in a wee baggie, not floating around collecting lint), pictures to go in his baby album (he is turning two tomorrow and I still haven't finished the damned album), cards from my husband, and other mementos I want to keep around but just haven't done anything with - in YEARS. The only thing that is kept in that drawer that I use on a daily basis is a Burt's Bees lip balm. Other than that, I would probably never open the drawer, unless it was to just add more CRAP.

A couple of weeks ago, after one of my weekly "fashion shows," (this is when I take out several pair of pants that are too small for me and try them all on to gauge my progress) I was especially thrilled because a pair of jeans I've been trying to get over my hips finally went over my hips and I was able to button them. After peeling them off and vowing to wear them by Thanksgiving (WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG POST FOR AN IMPORTANT BULLETIN - TODAY IS THE DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING AND I AM WEARING THE JEANS) , I was sitting on my bed and was suddenly gripped by a need to clear out that nightstand drawer. I threw it open and of course, was immediately overwhelmed by the prospect of "going through" everything. And then it hit me - save for the few mementos I mentioned above, I didn't need to "go through" anything. I was just going to let go of all that crap I'd been storing like a greedy squirrel and just throw it out - clearly, I wasn't in need of any of these things, as I had not looked at any of it in ages. I resolutely trashed a vast majority of the CRAP without even examining it. I stuffed a gallon baggie FULL of stuff before dropping it with a satisfying 'plop' into the garbage can. And you know what? I haven't missed a damned thing.

Now the drawer is not perfect just yet, but the liberating feeling I derived from clearing the crap out was extremely exhilarating. I felt freed, like my life was actually changing, and that I wasn't just this stagnant, middle-aged person waiting to get old and die. I know it sounds weird that I should have such deep and meaningful feelings from throwing away old receipts but I really did. After thinking about it, I believe that it was because the act of cleansing was change in my life and an affirmation to myself that I was ready to move on from this complacent resting point I have been at in my life for the past year or so. I was, in fact, changing.

And it didn't stop there - I have begun cleaning out other drawers, like my clothing drawers that are filled with shirts with stains and holes, pants that are too big, and bras that haven't fit these melons in decades. As my pants grow too big, I chuck them - I've never felt better than the day that I took an awful pair of Levi's that made me look like a beachball from the waist down and tossed them into the garbage - I further relished putting more stinky kitchen garbage on top of them, as if doing so made the hideous mom jeans even more gone. Again, the feeling of letting go of clothes that remind me of my past (parts of which were truly heinous) is so freeing - I am letting go of my past and am ready to move forward creating the life I want, instead of the one I used to feel I was stuck in.

I don' t know if that makes sense to anyone but me but I am still enjoying the feeling of "shedding" on a daily basis. I don't have to hang on to the old anymore - I feel free to move ahead into uncharted waters, pushing myself toward true satisfaction by tossing more little bits of crap each day. Try it - you'll be amazed.

Quickie Update and a Weekend Cheer

2007-11-16T09:11:00.000-08:00

I lost another pound, putting me at 153 today - that rocks. More bloat water releasing? Perhaps, but I like to think it is due to my amazing mastery of eating well. The weekend is upon me yet again (man, time goes fast!) and I promise that my next post will be about something other than my personal weight loss of the day - a diatribe of annoyances, maybe? I am thinking more along the lines of the motivations that I am currently having for cleaning up other areas of my life, now that I am taking care of myself better. Please come back Monday (or maybe Sunday) for that little nugget of insight. Otherwise, have a fabulous and well-managed weekend. That is, try to keep your shit together diet and exercise-wise, but if you should falter a little and eat something not on plan, don't stress, do your exercise and do not say, "well, I already screwed up so I might as well blow it all weekend." Stay the course! We can do it! Rah Rah Rah! (Shake pom poms, perform high kick in skirt so short I show my cash and prizes to the world). I'm sorry - was I fantasizing again about being a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? Forgive me. It's that show on CMT.

There May Be Something to That Period Excuse

2007-11-15T19:59:00.000-08:00

So I got my period this morning (this shouldn't be a TMI moment for anyone who read yesterday's entry, okay?) and what do you know - I lost 1.4 this morning and weighed 154.0. Yesterday was a lower calorie day, of course, but still - I think maybe I was retaining a little bit of water. Certainly not 5 or 6 pounds worth, though. My theory on that weight gain excuse still pretty much stands, give or take one or two pounds that should disappear as soon as you begin to flow, ladies. And on a completely unrelated note, I discovered today that I am the only member of my all-female office that still has a period. Not an important fact at all, but I felt special. And young, even at 38.

Tonight I am exhausted. I have get up early to give a friend a ride to work and then on to my own work, but at least it is Friday and hey, next week is a short week, only three days! My husband is going to start pouting in a minute for sure because I am going to tell him that I am going to bed. No exercise tonight - I work out 6 days a week but I leave that "off" day kind of up in the air and take it when I actually feel like I need to. Tonight is that night.

Let's Just STOP With the Excuses

2007-11-14T11:11:00.000-08:00

I am stalled out at 155.4, it seems. Now, I s'pose I could use the old "my period is due" excuse, but I hate it when I hear women using that as an excuse for weight gain or even weight stall, as if just because your period is imminent, you've suddenly blown up into one of those giant balloon creatures (usually an ape or a loaf of bread, in these parts) you see flying from the roofs of used car lots. I hate it when I read comments on other weight loss blogs that say things like, "I gained five pounds this week...it must be because my period is coming," or "I weighed six pounds more than I did yesterday - it must be that my period is coming." Whatever, ladies.

I get so frustrated by reading other people's excuses for their inability to lose weight, depsite the fact that I've probably used every one of those excuses myself at some point or another. One of my favorites is "I just don't have time to exercise." Really? Do you have time to DIE? Because that is what is going to happen to you if you don't lose some damned weight and get healthy. You know, I don't really "have time," either, if I am not willing to haul my lazy ass out of bed in the morning before the kid wakes up or pry myself from the television in the evening when the babe has gone to bed. Or wait - "Obesity just runs in my family." Yeah, why not break the cycle? What are they saying really? Fat people create little fat people that become adult fat people? Okay, so - stop being fat! DO something about it - stop talking about it, for God's sake and change it.

I'm not saying it is EASY to change or that it is a simple process to go from fat to healthy. It takes hard work, planning ahead, and above all, discipline. I've been watching "The Biggest Loser" lately and man, I just love that show. Those people work their asses off to lose that weight and yes, they are in a special situation and have special food and doctors and all that but you know what? They are still the ones doing the work amazingly, when someone gets kicked off and they show them several months later, they have all kept up their quest to lose weight and become healthy. They realized how UNhappy they were and how it was affecting their lives and they decided to change their lives, not just their weight. It's incredible, really.

On a final note, I hate it when I hear an obese person say, "I am happy this way," or "I accept that this is who I am." I do not believe they are happy and that if they were truly introspective and examined their lives and relationships, they would realize that they are not happy at all. It is one thing to accept your current state and learn to be patient as you make healthy changes but it is another thing entirely to say that you accept that the fat you is "who you are." Your body is not who you are - what is inside is who you are. But your body is an extension of you and a billboard to the world that says, "this is what I think of myself - I am not worth anything more."

I just wish more people thought better of themselves and knew that they deserve so much more than living in a fat, unhealthy body that makes them hate themselves even more. It is such a nasty cycle. However, once you decide that you deserve better and that you're not going to do this to yourself anymore, it is amazingly liberating. Through my decision to change, I realized that I don't have to hate myself anymore and that I don't have to do hateful things to myself anymore (like intentionally overeat garbage foods to make myself fat, abuse drugs and alcohol, and other self-abusive behaviors). I have a choice - it is not just "something I do." And that knowledge is helping me reach my goals, little by little.

A New Look...

2007-11-13T13:38:00.001-08:00

Not that anybody actually reads my blog other than me and my mom, but I thought I might change it up a bit, spread out the words so nobody is having to read these long, skinny entries that go on for miles. Now, my entries will be much fatter, spreading across the page. And they will be backed up by a hot red and pink theme. I love red and pink.

After all of my glowing statements in my last entry, it turns out that I gained a bit yesterday but truly - only a bit. From 155.2 to 155.4. I might just have to gain a little to get my metabolism back into the flow of things but oh well - my pants are still loose, so there. And frankly, if I gain a half pound because I am eating more vegetables and protein, I am not too worried about it. Eventually, by abstaining from pizza, pasta and cinnamon bears and by working my ass off while working out, my body will be FORCED to drop pounds. It will just have to happen, no question.

I don't have much else to share about today. I've been thinking of some cool topics to write about here so that every entry is not just about what I ate yesterday and how much I weigh. That might be a nice change and would get me actually doing some real writing, instead of wasting all of my amazing insight and words of wisdom commenting on other people's blogs. So I am working on my list of topics - that is the extent of my writing for now. Check back later for further details - I'm sure you are just breathless with anticipation.

These Mysteries...

2007-11-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

I had another weird thing happen with this whole weight loss gig. Okay, remember when I ate all the candy on Halloween and then the next morning I had LOST a half pound? Well, on Saturday I had another experience like that. I went to dinner with girlfriends, ate a filet mignon, a spinach salad with bacon dressing and half of a chocolate decadence dessert, plus cream in coffee, etc. Now granted, I had eaten extremely well all day and had exercised earlier in the day, too, but when I weighed the next morning, I lost almost an entire pound. .8! Totally bizarre, in my book, but more confirmation for me that my theory of "not eating enough calories" is more than likely right.

So I did a bunch of research today about metabolism, basal metabolic rate and caloric needs. I've determined (after putting my stats into several calculators) that my BMR is about 1450 calories, meaning that just for my body to live and breath, in a resting state, it needs 1450 calories. I burn about 300 calories when I exercise (discovered by working with several other calculators) for 35 minutes and I expend about 350-ish just moving about during the day (found by other calculations I performed). SO - what all this means is that if I wanted to just maintain where I am, I would need about 2100 calories coming in. If I want to lose weight, I need to reduce that amount.

It is up to me to determine how much to reduce it. A pound of fat equals 3500 calories. If I reduce my caloric intake for the week by 3500, I will lose one pound. 7000, 2 pounds, etc. The other side of this is, though, that if I drop below my BMR of 1450, my body will slow the metabolism because it senses impending deprivation and begins to hold on to the fat its got stored. So - the diet I've been following has easily been keeping me below my BMR but I've had some weight loss success, clearly (I was at 155.0 today). But I think that I am going to step away from the strictness of the diet and begin to supplement with significantly more protein, fruit and vegetables to increase my calories to 1400 some days, 1200 other days to keep the body guessing. This will mean that the loss may slow even more at first and it will also mean that I will come out of ketosis, the fat burning state that arises when a person eats very few carbohydrates. But I think I am okay with this - this past week or so I've added quite a few more protein snacks and veggies and have still lost weight.

I learned a lot today and will continue to research these things. I think it is important to educate yourself about health and diet and I have to admit, I've never taken the time to actually learn the formulas related to metabolism that could help me determine the proper amounts of food to eat for maintenance or weight loss. And you know what else? I am really enjoying eating all of these damned vegetables and finding interesting ways to add them to my diet. Really. I never in a million years thought I would say something like that!!

Ten Pounds of Blubber GONE

2007-11-09T11:34:00.000-08:00

Today I weighed in at 155.8. So, since my most recent spurt of weight loss (or my decision about monumental proportions - see Oct 30 post) I have lost 10.2 pounds - Yay! It has been about a month - that is a pretty good loss for a month, though I think the few pounds were water weight! Oh well - I am feeling good and still losing and that is what is important, right?

Going into another weekend - will try not to lose mind with stress. Tomorrow I am going to go shopping and out to dinner with a group of women - all lawyers. It will be a blast - my friend Santana is coming and she is such a fun person. I stopped by her office this week to visit with her and we were like two school girls acting silly and giggling. Even though I am 38, I still enjoy acting like a child A LOT. So I should have a good time with the chicks tomorrow night, though I will have to be careful when they bring the dessert tray at dinner, lest I spring at it and shovel all of the sweet bits into my gaping maw.

Last night we went to a social event in the town where my husband works, Columbia Falls. It was really fun and I enjoyed socializing with a bunch of people I don't know at all. I particularly enjoyed visiting with my husband's boss, Eric and his wife, Mary. They are very nice people and Eric is a real character. The food was somewhat lackluster, but I did managed to snag a bunch of ham and turkey pieces - and (gasp!) I ate a piece of cheese. Also had a bite of a lemon bar and a bite of an awful eggroll that I suspect was filled with long shoots of dry grass. Oh - it was so NOT worth the calories. Anyway - we met a lot of cool people - a few really weird ones.

There were a number of drunks wandering around, clutching their free wine and beer, sweating and slurring, and just being downright LOUD. Justin said he didn't notice but it's just because he is not a drunk. Whenever we meet a drunk or I scope one out I tell Justin - "He/she is one of my people." Drunks always recognize other drunks - I recognize them wherever I go. Like gay people can always pick each other out. We drunks just seem to send out a signal to all other drunks - actually, I think we just easily recognize and relate to the silent desperation emanating from an active drunk. It is highly depressing for me to see that and just reminds me of what is sleeping inside of me and how it can still wake up on occasion and make me feel (and look) like a complete idiot loser. Wow - did I just say all of that? Hmmm - reflections.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately. Succeeding in my weight loss and feeling good about myself has brought a lot of other issues and feelings to the surface that I was not expecting. But that is going to have to be for another day, another post. I must go eat my chicken and spinach now. Spinach is wonderful, you know - Popeye had it right, although my forearms have not expanded into gigantic pillow-like balloons just yet.

What a Slacker - But Getting Results!

2007-11-07T20:23:00.000-08:00

It has been several days since my last entry. Work has been a little crazy and I've just not taken the time to do my thing (waste time by creating blog posts) for the last couple of days. As a result, though, I've gotten a little off and have been having a lot of cravings and urges to stuff my face with nasty foods that will not help my weight loss goals.

The good news is that I have been at 156.4 for the past two days and so I lost about a pound over the weekend. I've been working out like mad and shaking it to the HHA. But I feel weird and like I just want to EAT, overeat, and eat more. Today I tried eating several small doses of protein (more than the usual) trying to keep my metabolism up and my hunger and cravings in check. It didn't really help but we'll see how my loss is tomorrow.

I am not going to work out tonight and I am not going to feel guilty about it. I had some crazy asthma-type attack thing as I was leaving my friend's house tonight. I called Justin as I driving home to tell him to get my inhaler and have it ready - I wheezed all the way home. That is a bizarre and scary feeling, when your breathing is just not right and it feels labored. I started having this problem about a year ago and a doctor prescribed an inhaler to use prior to exercise, which is generally when it happens. However, when I am in the presence of certain irritants (it was fertilizer at Home Depot once, tonight it was a vanilla-scented candle, I think), I just get all restricted and my chest gets tight and I get scared. So - I shall not labor my lungs anymore tonight...and besides, I am tired as hell.

Hopefully tomorrow I will see another drop... especially if I avoid eating that stupid mini-Hershey bar that is hidden in my bathroom drawer and calling my name every hour on the hour.

Another Drop, Another Weekend Upon Me

2007-11-02T10:08:00.000-07:00

It's Friday and damn, I am happy about that. Not that work has been a drama lately - it hasn't been too bad. Busy, but not AWFUL. Busy is actually good - it makes the time go by much faster, getting me home and into my bed faster, which is really where I would like to just stay most of the time. That sounds depressing, but really, I am not depressed. Just lazy.

So I am now at 157.6. Yay - got beyond that dreaded 158.4 - for days and days it was 158.4. I'm not sure why the bod is being so resistant to dropping but I read a few things last night that made me think that perhaps I am not eating enough food, which is causing my body to resist losing. On Lindora, you eat less than 1,000 calories per day - and some days, I would say I end up around 750 or 800, which I know is not especially healthy but man, the diet usually works. However, with such resistance to loss, I am thinking I need more. For instance - was it totally bizarre that I finally broke that plateau of 158.4 when I ate a bunch of candy the night before? Or that I lost again by adding more protein snacks yesterday? I am going to try adding a bit more protein to my meals, trying to get myself to at least 1,000. We'll see how that works this weekend and if it is no good, I can always go back. Something tells me this will work, though. I am doing a lot of working out and that increases the caloric need so - even at 1200 - 1400, I should still be losing weight. It's an experiment...results TBA.

Tomorrow is Justin's b. day (36th) and we are all going out to dinner, which should be fun but somehow, all family "fun" events have a certain amount of stress involved. I am going to try and be relaxed, despite the fact that I will have to watch everyone else indulge in pizza and other outrageously fattening pub food. We are going to Tamarack Brewery in Lakeside, which is a new joint. I've been there for lunch and it is fabulous - even the chicken breast and side salad were delightful so - it is totally do-able, diet-wise. Now if only I can manage my stress around handling the toddler at a restaurant, I will survive easily. Nobody ever told me that when you have kids, you will probably not want to eat at restaurants anymore. Oh, the calamity.

A fabulous weekend to all.

Chocolate Detour and An Unexpected Result

2007-11-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

Last night we took Wyatt trick-or-treating. He was so damned cute as a little fireman. He can't say "trick or treat" but he was too adorable as he would take candy from people's hands and then say "byyye." It was a joy to watch him be such a big boy. I can't believe he will be two years old this month. My baby is a little boy, it seems!

So I was downright militant about my eating all day and made sure I brought a healthy dinner with me to my sister-in-law's place where I had heard a rumor that pizza would be available. But once we got there, the call of the m & m's became deafening and so I had a mini pack of them. Over the course of the evening, I also had a few other mini-bars and a half a twizzler (which really wasn't worth the calories, I might add).

When we got home, I had that dumb thought "Well, since I've already had some crap I might as well have..." WHOA, NELLIE! Wait - I haven't worked this hard for the past several weeks to blow it now. So you know what I did? I put on my workout clothes and went downstairs and shook my ass to a little HHA. I completed my workout and drank a bunch of water and guess what?

This morning, the scale finally moved. DOWN - only a half pound, but still... that was highly unexpected. I thought for sure it would go UP. So I feel good - I am not beating myself up about last night's little detour and I am not lost in a binge mindset, thank goodness. So I had a treat - big deal. Now it's back on the weight loss train, which apparently is moving right along. Happy Thursday and November 1 to me - it's a new day!

Frustrated Again But Hopeful

2007-10-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

I STILL weigh the same I did yesterday. I have basically weighed the same since Saturday. I have no idea what is going on. I mean, I am happy, of course, that I am still the same and not gaining but hell, there is no way I could be gaining considering how well I've been eating and exercising.

Trying not to be too discouraged. My blood pressure was incredible this morning - 107/78. AMAZING, I tell you - a definite improvement. And I've lost an inch off my boobs and waist since 10 days ago. These measures tell me that I am doing well, even though the scale seems to hate me. I imagine that by tomorrow or Friday, I will notice a significant drop in weight and then it will stay the same again for days and days. This is becoming a pattern, beloved body.

A Decision ABOUT Monumental Proportions

2007-10-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a lot of other weight loss blogs - their links are at the bottom of my page. I read those and others that I find through clicking on links on other folks' pages. I really enjoy reading the main blogs and I also take the time (mostly) to read many of the comments. The last couple of days I read a lot of comments about how people tend to eat out of control, do good all day and then blow it at night, struggling with binges, etc. I've been there - all of those things happen to me repeatedly for sure. But in the last two and half-weeks, I've been stoically marching toward my weight loss goals with nary an interruption yet - other than my own bowels, who seem to be intent on clinging to every calorie or fat molecule that I attempt to expel. Damned intestines.

ANYWAY, I started wondering why things were different for me THIS time - like, why am I not falling off the diet wagon and inhaling animal crackers? Why am I not sabotaging myself as usual? I am the first to admit that I struggle mightily with food as comfort, food as drug and coping mechanism, etc., and that I fail all the time at dieting or health-improvement initiatives I kick off now and again. But for some reason, I am doing well this time and I think I know why.

I made a decision this time. I didn't just say "I'll try" or "I'll do my best." I said, "I'm going to do this, damn it, if it kills me," and "I'm not giving up - this is it." I stopped making excuses - "I'm too tired," "I have a toddler," "I work so hard all day," "I deserve a treat," and all that bullshit that we tell ourselves to get out of working out or eating well. Exercise is something that is happening 6 days a week now - and even when I start distracting myself with chores or T.V. or whatever, I still make myself go downstairs and sweat for at least 30 minutes every night (except one, which I allow myself and don't feel guilty about). I've relieved myself of making a choice - the decision has already been made. Now all I have to do is follow the rules.

The comments of all of the women that I read every day are filled with the same excuses I've always made (and will probably make again, who knows). It starts to make me sad because I know we all want to look good and feel good about ourselves but we don't make the choice to just do what it takes. Why? Do we think we don't deserve it? Do we think it won't be worth it? Do we have fears about being attractive, healthy women? Do we avoid it because we assume we will just gain it back anyway? Or are we just lazy?

Sometimes, I have to say that the last reason is the main reason - for me, anyway. And selfishness. I just don't want to be uncomfortable. I don't want to be hungry. I don't want to be deprived. I don't want to have to miss any good T.V. Whatever. We can focus all we want on these deep, inner-soul reasons for why but in the end, I think most of my resistance is due to laziness and self-centered, childish feelings. And that sucks - because it is hard to get motivated when your inner child is screaming for cookies and a blankie so that it can cozy up on the couch to watch T.V. It is so much easier to give in to the child (my own selfish/lazy tendencies) than to say "enough of this bullshit - I am sick of being fat and unhealthy!" However, once I made the decision that I was going to do this, the child was easier to ignore.

The child is not gone, however - just in a time-out, really. I don't think our self-centered and lazy ways ever really disappear but we get better control of them when we are resolute about how we are going to deal with life. I am so glad that I've been able to be so resolute as of late. Now that I've written this, I will probably struggle mightly with my lazy inner child but that is the risk I take, I guess, for acknowledging that this can, in fact, be done - by making a simple decision. And note what I just said - simple decision. The decision is simple - the execution of your plan or resolution, well - that takes hard work and discipline.

Today I was 158.4. It's working, I tell you. And I am wearing my goal jeans from my last weight loss (when I went from 185 to 165) and they are loosening every day. Today is a good day.

Up and Down - Like My Moods...

2007-10-29T11:20:00.000-07:00

All was great on Saturday when I woke up to find I'd lost another pound and was at 158.4. It was even fine on Sunday morning when I woke up at 158.4 (because really, how could I expect to lose weight when I ate CHEESE the night before?) But after a long and extremely stressful day yesterday during which I ate very well and even ignored a stack of potato chips, I got up this morning and weighed 159.0. WTF? Again, I am convinced it is a poop that is causing this unsettling movement in the wrong direction. SO - once I got over my childish anger, I drank down my liquid fiber and hopefully by tomorrow, I will be free of this thing that is blocking my way to a svelte and fabulous body.

Yesterday was not too fun - My husband decided we were going on a "drive" with his family. That usually entails me and his mom crammed in the backseat of our truck with my son's carseat in the middle while Justin and his Dad get to ride in the front, oblivious to our plight and randomly rolling their eyes or clucking their tongues at our occasional comments about slowing down or asking if we are "almost there." That's pretty much how it was yesterday, except my husband also had the bright idea of putting the portable DVD player on the back of the passenger seat so my son could watch the Wiggles to his heart's content. Now, it did make my son happier, but imagine having the Wiggles all up in your grill for well over 5 hours in the car. Yeah, I was not feeling to happy about that. I love his parents and do not have one of those testy relationships with my MIL, but these road trip things are going to be left to the boys in the future. I STILL have a headache. My MIL agrees that we are letting them all go next time and we will stay home. I told her I would have rather been home cleaning for God's sake. You know I am unhappy when I say something like that.

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully I will have some better news on my weight but hey, I did wear some pants I haven't worn in eons to church yesterday. They were tight but dammit, if I can get them on, I am wearing them. Be gone, ugly Target mom jeans!

Whoo Hoo!

2007-10-26T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well, my body finally gave in and lost a pound. I am now, officially, at 159.4. It is about damned time. I am happy - I feel much better about my progress. Isn't that kind of stupid, how big a difference one dumb pound makes? But it does - and I am like a little kid who finally got the ice cream he has been screaming for - satisified for the moment!

The weekend is upon me - I seem to struggle more on the weekends, I guess because there is more free time and more family-type stress, the kind of stress that makes me want to eat large quantities of salty foods. Hmmm - must avoid that at all costs. We are going to a Halloween party on Saturday night so I must be sure to eat a good meal before we go - and exercise.

I have been very good about the exercise. Even though I totally don't want to do it, I am doing it. And I generally have fun while dancing around, shaking my butt and giving some diva attitude (Sean T, the instructor of HHA, encourages such behavior) and before I know it, the DVD is over and I am free to go do what I want, which is usually to reward myself with some diet pudding. I am still on the food reward system but this particular treat is helping me, not hindering me! I hope to see more weight loss by Monday - I know I can do it.

Body, Get OVER It...NOW

2007-10-25T10:32:00.000-07:00

I am officially pissed off at my body. It has been days, I tell you, DAYS - and my body still refused to drop below 160. It's 160.5, then it's 160.6 and today it was 160.4. This is getting ridiculous - I am working out every night, dieting (and actually being GOOD and not cheating) and drinking a fantastic amount of water. My reward? Nada. Okay, a little bit looser pants. BFD - I want more.

The frustration gets tough, but I have been very good about saying to myself, "just keep going - it can't hang on forever, it will eventually drop" but the childish baby part of me screams, "Damn it, I am so deprived and I get NO payoff at all - I want to eat animal crackers in massive quantities!" But I don't. It's diet pudding or diet hot chocolate - that's my treat nowadays. I have to admit - it is not that bad. I look forward to it, really.

Anyway - I continue the quest. Tomorrow is Friday - another work week completed. By next Monday it will be two weeks. I've lost approximately 6 pounds. That's not bad, I suppose. But I want to be a size 6 tomorrow, damn it.

Edging Closer

2007-10-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Today the scale said 160.4 - yay! I am getting so close to being in the 150's, I can almost taste it. I hope it tastes really good - and salty, because God knows I am craving the SALT. Last night I ate two green olives stuffed with jalapenos just to appease the salt urge. I actually wanted to just drink the olive juice/brine in the jar but I abstained lest I blow up into a sodium-filled blimp.

Last night's HHA was great - I am an official booty shaker. I am a little sore lately - mostly my hamstrings and abs. It feels good, though - I swear I can feel myself getting more in shape. I am not getting out of breath anymore when I climb the stairs to my office, anyway.

So not too much to report today. And isn't that a cutie picture of me and my baby? I love my boy - I have to remember that I am doing this for him, too - and the child I hope to have by late next year. I want to be an active and fit mama. And hot, too, of course.

Weekend Food Crazies

2007-10-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

I'm back. I just can't seem to find the time to do a blog entry on the weekends. I can barely find time to even make my Lindora food plan each day on the weekend! I had a fairly uneventful weekend as far as major outings or experiences go. Costco, grocery store, Target, church, home - the usual rounds. I find, though, that it is much harder for me to stay "on plan" (as they say at Lindora) on the weekends. I just can't stop hearing those f-ing goldfish crackers calling my name from the top of the refrigerator.

I am really being shown that food is my emotional salve for the majority of feelings I have. Happy? Eat something...you deserve it. Sad? EAT...you'll feel better. STRESSED? (That's the big one for me). Eat to calm your nerves. It's unbelievable how often the thought of "food as band-aid" comes charging into my head. I have to literally make myself walk out of the kitchen. Before Justin was finished cooking dinner last night, I went upstairs and just sat in the bathroom reading a magazine. It was warm and cozy in there, plus there is no food available for me to salivate over. (It didn't really help that Justin was snacking on chips and salsa while he cooked dinner). Once I had dinner I was okay but man, that is stressful just having to figure out a way to deal with my feelings.

Also, I have seen that I am an opportunistic eater. Whenever I have the chance to shove something in my mouth without someone seeing, I pretty much take it (well, not right now - that is what I am learning NOT to do). Usually, if I am alone, I will use that opportunity to eat something, anything, without having others see me. Am I crazy? Even if I am not hungry, my mind tells me "you'd better eat that while you have the chance," as if somehow I might lose the ability to eat it later when my husband is home. It is HIDING eating. SNEAKING eating. I didn't realize how much I did that until I stopped doing it. But the urge still hits me often.

I am up and down with my enthusiasm about losing weight - I get discouraged so easily and then have to build myself back up. One thing that totally helps a shitty mood is my Hip Hop Abs. I did "Booty Shakin'" the other night and OMG, what a blast. I am so glad I ordered this collection. It makes exercise fun and makes me feel like I am a great dancer, which I am not, but it is fun to pretend to be J-Lo or Janet Jackson every once in awhile.

I was 161.0 today. My body is just not very happy to leave the 160's and is holding on for dear life. Sorry, Chubs, you're going DOWN.

WTF?

2007-10-18T09:29:00.000-07:00

My weight went up overnight. It is a mystery. Well, maybe not. I didn't eat very "on program" last night, I didn't drink all of my water and my workout was more abdominal exercise than aerobic. I was still incredibly bummed out when the scale said 162.2. I sat there on the toilet (not going, just pondering) bashing myself over the head and of course having these ridiculous "I should just give up" and "this is never going to work" thoughts.

WHY am I so black and white? WHY do I get so distressed by a truly minor increase in my weight? Maybe I am just retaining a little water - Maybe I am constipated (which could be true because, um, like I said, I was not going and never did, come to think of it) or MAYBE I just need to forget it and be very disciplined today about my food and water intake and just KEEP MOVING FORWARD. Eventually, the weight is coming off. And I am not stopping until it is GONE. YEAH!

There were good news things this morning, too - My brown pants fit loosely, I am still in ketosis (trace, but still it's THERE) and my skin is looking clearer. So I just need to loosen up and realize that I may not see loss every day, although sometimes I feel as if I deserve to see loss every day because I am so deprived. Whatever - God, I look at my thoughts as I write them down and I am often blown away by the shallowness of them! Oh well - there is much work to be done in this crazy-making place that is my mind.

Another Pound Down

2007-10-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

Today started well - I lost another pound. I am at 161.8 today and feeling good. I fit comfortably into a pair of pants that I was not so comfortable in a few weeks ago so that was nice. I can't wait to lose more because I have a ton of clothes that are all too small for me. It will be like getting a whole new wardrobe, almost!! Justin and I have barely bought any clothes for ourselves over the past two years, other than my maternity clothes. We need new everything, especially socks and underwear. All of my outerwear, though, especially pants, will be totally taken care of.

That all I really have for today. Work is a bit stressful but I am getting through it all okay. I did HHA again last night - I still love it. It goes by so fast because you're actually doing dance routines as opposed to feeling like you are just exercising. It 's fun, even if the ditzy asian chick on the right annoys the living shit out of me. I try to focus on Sean T. and the tall black girl, Justis, who I adore. These are my new best friends, you know.

Hurrah For Water Weight!

2007-10-16T08:39:00.001-07:00

I was so totally stoked (I am so 80's - who says 'stoked' anymore?) this morning when I got on the scale and it said 162.8. I mean, I'm sure it helps that I started my period yesterday morning (read: felt and weighed in like a bloated corpse) so now that I am, ahem, flowing freely, I believe that my water is disappearing. Of course, I am drinking enough water to supply a small African village and peeing it out on a constant 20 minute cycle but hey - I never really understood the whole "drink more water, lose more water" thing, anyway. Perhaps I should move my office into the bathroom for the next ten weeks and just use the toilet as my chair. I can just see my clients coming in - Jill will tell them, "Yes, Ms. Breck will see you - if you'll just step across the hall into the loo, that would be great."

So I did my "Hip Hop Abs" last night - Total Cardio something or other. I got like 6 or 7 workouts in my package deal - maybe more, I'm not even sure. Anyway, I loved it. I've never done a DVD workout (or any workout, for that matter) where I was smiling and laughing the whole time. Now, I was smiling and laughing because it was fun but it was also funny trying to do all of these crazy hip hop street dancer moves. I thoroughly enjoyed it though and as Sean T told me, I am going to be very cute in no time. Sean T. is the instructor of HHA and he is pretty charming - much more appealing to me than Billy Blanks, who always scared me with that lazy eye and his U.S. Male-style man-o-tards. Even if Sean T. were a freak, I am still actually looking forward to doing my workout tonight - that is unbelievable in and of itself.

Must work now. Must concentrate - do not eat the carmels in the candy dish. Do not eat the carmels in the candy dish. Do not think about pop-tarts or cinnamon bears or animal cookies. Enjoy peach mango powder protein drink. Mmm, mmm, good.

Back From the Almost Two Month Eating Party

2007-10-15T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I had to come back eventually. I mean, what can a girl do when she runs out of pants to wear? It hasn't been that bad, really - I have just been obsessed with a multitude of different things as of late (food and excessive snacking included) and have been absolutely horrible about my blogging obligations. So sue me.

Without any further adieu (or bullshit), I am here to say that I have gone back on my diet of diets, my fail safe, Lindora. You can read all about it at lindora.com. I am not going into long-winded explanation except to say that I know this diet WORKS if I follow it and don't allow myself to be influenced the the evil pull of emotional eating. It is very simple diet and I know exactly how to do it so - I have no real excuses this time. The first time I did Lindora I lost about 40 pounds, but gained it back very quickly. Stress eating is no way to follow up a rapid weight loss, okay? The next time I did it, I had just had Wyatt and I lost about 20 pounds, which I have since kept off. I am now bouncing back and forth between 160 and 165, a place that my body seems immensely comfortable. I just can't stay here anymore.

I look around and I see so many moms who have just let themselves go. But I also see some moms who look fabulous, and it is not because they have trainers and cooks or incredibly high metabolisms or just happen to have gotten that "skinny" gene we all wish we had (well, maybe ONE of my girlfriends qualifies there). They look good because they work at it. They don't sit on the couch stuffing animal crackers in their mouths. They don't eat mountains of pasta and then complain that they are too tired to work out. They don't try to find every excuse in the book to avoid sweating. They eat well and they exercise. No matter what. I don't harbor ill feelings toward moms who look good - they deserve it because they DO it. It doesn't just happen to them.

So clearly my goal is to be one of these moms. I want to be a hot mama. Actually, what I really want is to be comfortable in my skin, which I am currently not and have not been for a long time. Thirty pounds is all that stands between me and hot mom status. Then, I am going to get pregnant and have to lose it all again but starting 45 pounds lighter than I did last time will definitely help me get back in shape faster. Yay - of course I feel cheerful today - I just started. There will be bummer days I am sure but I am committing to do this. What is ten weeks, anyway? If I am not happy at the end I can always go back to being a slovenly fat ass.

Oooh and BTW - I got Hip Hop Abs - it's a DVD workout series, for those who are not in the know. I can't wait to try it. Of course I am trying it tonight for the first time. It looks fun and like the time will go by quickly. I will post tomorrow and give a full report.

Feeling Blah and Not Much Like Writing

2007-08-27T12:44:00.000-07:00

The title pretty much says it all. I have been just exhausted the past couple of days. My husband and I began doing some intense workouts last week and I must have overdone it, though it didn't feel like it at the time, because I am just dog tired. Today I feel somewhat better but my butt was dragging all weekend long.

I feel fat and gross. I had to shop for a new bra yesterday (my old ones are disintegrating more and more each day) and I was in tears TWICE. I almost wished I had never gotten these stupid breast implants. I have no idea what size bra I wear but I was not about to have some anonymous saleswoman measure my melons, tut-tutting the entire time about the fact that I have implants, oh my God. Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that YES, they ARE double D's, though they don't appear to be on visual inspection. They are amazingly full - let's just say I can fill a cup with no puckers. I'm really not sorry I got the implants because it made my breasts look much better but being heavier AND having implants (and having a baby) makes them quite large and unwieldy and definitely hard to fit into anything - a bra, a bathing suit, even shirts. I can't wear anything that buttons - I am a prisoner to knits at this time. Anyway, I finally made it out of the store with a single bra - and I can tell from wearing it for a few hours that it is too big around and the little wires that come up under my arm are sticking into me. That's nice - being jabbed in the armpit all day is so pleasant.

Back to fat and gross - I am trying to remedy that. I started a modified fast this morning and will end it Friday night. Liquids only - I decided I cannot do the no caffeine thing right now. I've added back a cup or so a day and frankly, I don't think that is too bad. I just need to get back to how I felt when I finished my last fast - my thinking around food was much improved and I didn't feel like I needed to eat outrageous things or sneak cookies or anything like that. Vacation right after my last fast didn't help matters. And I meant to start a fast yesterday but was overcome by the drama of the day and the sight of iced ginger cookies in the bakery department at the grocery. When stressed, I am a food sucker for sure.

Well, alright, I wrote quite a bit. I am just feeling sad and blah - not totally sure why. Fatness may have something to do with it but I know that's not all there is to it. My husband is going to want to work out tonight. I guess I will have to since I skipped on Saturday and last night. I need to want to but I am STILL sore from my workout last Thursday. Me and pull-ups are just not right for each other. At least right now.

The Countdown Begins...

2007-08-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

So we are back from vacation and I think my weight is still okay but I am sure I must have gained a pound or two. Oh well - I am now on my quest to look as fabulous as possible by September 15 - my 20 year class reunion. Oh shit - that is only about 3.5 weeks. Since I can't possibly lose 20 pounds, I guess my goal will just be to look and feel as great as I can. BTW - a comment asked how much weight I lost on my juice fast - I lost about 8 pounds in 10 days. The nice thing was - I felt great most of the time. I am going to do another one here shortly but probably only a 7 day. The 10 days was a stretch for me, at least right now.

Vacation was good - stressful, but good. My husband is such a stress case - honestly, we had some difficult times while we were away and much of it was due to his timetables and "plans" on how things were going to go. I was nearly driven to the brink of insanity a few times - we had "words" several times as well. Despite all of his nervous nellie tendencies, we were able to show Wyatt an amazing time - the ocean, a discovery musuem, Sonoma's Train Town, the Oakland Zoo - it was a very full vacation. And hey - he won't remember any of it! We had a lot of fun, though, just watching him have fun.

I will have to post some new photos soon. My fans have been asking for them. :-) Tonight Justin and I are starting the whole "P-90X" workout series again. Perhaps I will allow him to take some new pics of me for the website. I will try to wear something flattering and hope that my gut is not puffing out due to my womanly times. I am sure I will look lovely. We got a video camera and I have had the great pleasure of seeing my fat ass on tape. Here I think I am looking okay and then I see myself and OMG - yuck. I've got work to do. If you want motivation to lose weight, watch yourself (in an outfit that you think you look great in) on video. You will be inspired, I promise.

Feeling and Feeding - Finally!

2007-08-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

I am eating again - the fast has ended. I actually ended up breaking the fast on Friday evening. It is difficult to explain, well, I guess it really isn't - I got angry and stressed about something and that caused me to shove a handful of cheerios into my mouth and instead of spitting them out (see Day 8 entry - how gross) I just swallowed those suckers. And then a few more.

I felt momentarily guilty but I KNEW in my heart that it was time to end the fast. I was and thinking a little crazy. In fact, I probably should have ended it when I was chewing and spitting the food, days earlier, but I pushed it another few days. In any event, I am damned proud to say that I made it 10 days and feel no worse for the wear. I am, however, glad to be back in the world of the eating. Oh and by the way for all you who may be concerned that I might have offended God by breaking the fast like that - I checked in with Him about 2 seconds after the last cheerio went in and guess what - He forgave me. I had a sense of well-being, even after the cheerio (and okay, a couple of animal crackers) frenzy that I had accomplished some of what I'd set out to do. I plan to do another fast in the near future - probably in about 2 or 3 weeks but I am only going to do it for a week this time.

It is amazing how taking your mind OFF of food can make you so much more aware of your hang ups and habits surrounding food. Or how much mindless eating we do. I am a total SNEAK eater - I try to hide what I eat from my husband and family (well, his family - my family all we do is eat and quite openly, at that).

So the other day, you know, that woman who looked at me and said "I wish I looked like that!" well, her mom, Glenda (who is my childcare provider) relayed that Stephanie (the "I wish" speaker) wanted me to help her with a diet. Stephanie just had a baby - about 8 weeks ago, I believe. She is ready to start taking the weight off - she is not planning on having any more kids. She is in her twenties and just had her third - I have great hope for Stephanie - she is so young, there is no reason she cannot get her body back. Anyway, I am working on a list of tips to get her started while I am on vacation and then I really do want to sit down with her and work out an eating and exercise plan for her (and myself, for that matter).

I don't know that I will be posting while away in California but who knows, I may have some internet access and some amazing story to tell so - stay tuned.

Day 10: The End Is In Sight...Thank God!

2007-08-10T12:26:00.001-07:00

Today I am very hungry. The juice isn't doing much to calm the roar. Neither is the water. I am still able to focus and work but jeez, I am ready to eat something soon. I am going to hold out until Sunday evening, as planned. I know I can do it - every day I think I can't go on another day and then I do. It is amazing how that works. Thanks, God!!

Last night I was feeling pretty hungry and so I juiced a bunch of tomatoes and heated it up. I added a little spice (and some garlic salt - sorry, militant hippie juicers) and man, that was excellent. I love tomato soup in general (Campbell's with milk, of course) but this was pretty different. Anyway - I did that a week or so ago and added two little cucumbers - that was good, too. I think tonight I will drink some miso broth that I bought at the health food store last weekend. I strain it, of course, so as not to actually ingest one of those crusty little dried onion things. It is a fast from solid food, after all. Whatever. I am almost done with all this craziness.

No brilliant observations today - I am too busy at work. I am going to motor through the weekend and will post upon the breaking of the fast on Sunday night. Until then - juice on.

Day 9: Getting Pretty Hungry

2007-08-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

The hunger is coming more consistently now. It had pretty much gone away for about a week but then decided to start coming around again. I know I can make it a few more days, though. With God's help and all. And a steel will not to indulge in the lasagna that I have to bring to church tomorrow night. Thing is, if I ate something like that right now, I would be in some serious pain. The hippies say that your digestive system is "sleeping" and has to be woken up gently.

I've decided to wake my system up a little earlier than intended. Now, it is not because I am a wimp or because God isn't helping, or that I am just starving my ass off. No - I'm trying to have some common sense. We are leaving for California on Wednesday, Aug 15. If I go off the fast on Monday night, I don't leave myself much time to "awaken" the beast and could end up having lots of issues on vacation. I am going to begin the awakening process on Sunday night - most likely with a smoothie of some sort.

I have had a few more observations. Like the fact that I can do this and feel good but if I try and just drink coffees and barely eat all day, I normally feel like crap. I haven't had a single blood sugar or hypoglycemic issue - nothing. I haven't had an ounce of protein and I don't feel like I am dying. I am still surprised by how good I actually feel. I am TIRED lately but you know - I expected to feel some fatigue. More than I am feeling, really. I will continue to juice, I think, even when I am off the fast. Why the hell not - it tastes so good. I don't know if I will go right back to caffeine, though. That is a tough addiction to break - physically - it hurt. I don't have a problem, really, with decaf. We'll see about this later when I am standing in line at Starbucks and contemplating a decaf. Hmmm.

A woman today asked me if I had lost weight and I said yes, a little. Her daughter said, "I sure wished I looked like that" - um, are you talking to ME? Wow - that made my day.

Day 8: First Bump In the Road

2007-08-08T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, last night I had a problem. I was thinking, oh well, I won't say anything about it, it wasn't that big a deal, etc. (total denial), I'm fine, life is great, and down down down the rabbit trail of FINE I go. I am a total ostrich about how I am really doing and always say and think that I am just FINE. Told some friends recently (other people who are also FINE) that I am going to get myself a hat that says FINE on it so I can try to fool myself even more.

Okay so this is what happened. I got home and was alone with Wyatt. First of all, I was having a big hunger attack going on. It comes and goes, according to the juicing hippies. So there I am, just walked in the door, and I realize that the owner of my house (I rent) has been in my house without my permission (he left a little note - "Thanks, Will.") I felt completely invaded and violated. Plus I have a cat and am not supposed to have a cat and now the owner knows. So I am upset about that and thinking of all the ensuing drama that will inevitably unfold.

Wyatt is being good but of course, he only wants to eat animal crackers for dinner. I decide to make him a little cheese sandwich with some hummus. I take it down to him (we were watching the Wiggles - I have no idea why my son loves them but he does) and, suprise, he doesn't want what I have made for him. Just the cookies, please. I start crying for some bizarre reason and all of a sudden, I am just gripped by the smell of the sandwich and the hummus. And I thought "F-it" and I shoved a piece of the sandwich right in my mouth.

I immediately regretted it and spit it out. But here is the gross part. After I spit it out, I was even more childishly mad that I "couldn't have" it and was feeling deprived and so I chewed and spit out about 4 more bites. How gross is that? Chew and Spit? Like the bulimics and anorectics do? WTF? I stopped myself at that point and drank a huge cup of apple/grape juice but that wild, kind of out of control feeling stayed with me for awhile. I prayed up a storm but I just had to sit in it for a few hours. I hate that.

I felt better after Justin got home and I had put Wyatt down to bed. The routine of normal things soothed my frayed nerve endings. I read about not giving up from my Christian-based fasting book and that helped. Going to sleep was probably the very best thing I did. And I feel better this morning but I have to look at that behavior and think about why I did it, if only for a moment.

I forgot that I was doing this fast for the glory of God - listening for God's will. I was more focused on my own deprivation and hunger - I was focused on the things of this world that get in the way of my relationship with God. If anything, this fast has made me realize that I don't just suffer from alcoholism - I have some crazy food issues, too. Basically, I USE food at times just like when I drink - to escape. This isn't exactly a new revelation for me but it has certainly become more clear. When I consider my behavior from last night, I also think that I could easily work myself into an eating disorder. So I need to be careful with all of this fasting business.

I refuse to beat myself up over the glitch, and that is all I am calling that little event from last night. I am not going to blow it out of proportion - yeah, so I screwed up, big deal. Move forward. It is over and I am on Day 8 of my fast and praying for further guidance from God.

Oh - and I am wearing my thin jeans today. Yay! Praise Jesus. :-)

Day Seven: Still Feeling Pretty Damned Good

2007-08-07T14:41:00.000-07:00

I finally did some exercise last night. Twenty-five minutes on the treadmill - not bad for a chick who is basically burning negative calories. I have more energy than I would have ever suspected that one might have on a fast. Granted, I am drinking fresh fruit and veggie juices but come on - that is not much in the way of calories, no matter how you slice it. See, I can't even keep food-isms out of my language.

Uh, I am starting to think more about food. Probably because my one of my girlfriends told me that she, too, shares a Taco Bell obsession, and that got me thinking about Nachos Bell Grande and Double-Decker Tacos with Sour Cream and Tomatoes. I don't know, though - I have become a very big Taco John's fan since moving here and seeing how absolutely gross the Taco Bell is. I mean, they don't clean anything in there. Whoa - okay, stop talking about the FOOD, already. I still have 6 days to go.

Yeah, I have decided to break the fast on the evening of Monday, August 13th. My reasoning is this - my stomach is likely going to freak when it receives some solid food. I don't want to break the fast on Tuesday and then end up with a bad stomach problem (nice way of saying diarrhea) while traveling by plane with a toddler for the first time on Wednesday morning. Let's just say I am giving myself some adjustment time before we leave for our trip. And I certainly don't plan on running out and getting Taco John's or anything - I plan to keep to a fairly natural diet for a few weeks after and then hey - I might do another fast. We'll see.

Okay, so although this is about God and all, I have to say a little bit about the weight loss. I've lost 6 pounds so far. Frankly, I thought I would lose more than that - at least a little faster in the beginning. But, 6 pounds is 6 pounds. I am thrilled to finally be in the 150's, even though it is only 159. I realize that I may gain some of the weight back when I start eating but I hope to keep the majority of it off with dietary changes and lots of exercise. It can be done. The hippies say so!!

I plan to exercise a bit tonight. I am still drinking the watermelon juice - there is so damned much of it. My husband said, "Hence the name WATER melon." Yes, thank you, dear. Now kindly shove one of those watermelon popsicles I made into your special place.

Day Six: FINE, Haven't Written DAILY

2007-08-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well, man, if you'd had the weekend I'd had you wouldn't have written either. Now that I see that sentence written out, however, I am thinking, "What was so bad or busy about my weekend?" Not too much, really. I think the stress of the fast just makes everything SEEM worse.

Despite my use of the word "stress," I would have to say that not eating any solid food is NOT particularly stressful or even awful. Mostly, I just MISS it. And the weekend was especially difficult. First, I have to watch my son and husband eat and that isn't very fun, but was bearable. They both eat fairly healthy and I could just sort of look at the food and think, "hmmph."

THEN, however, came our visit to the swim park. Here, I had to watch skads of people shoveling in pizza, nachos (the kind with that awful plastic-like cheese from a can that I LOVE), giant pretzels, candy, soda, sandwiches - it was a nightmare. The only thing that kept me from reaching across the towels to strangle a nearby eleven-year-old boy who was inhaling a bag of salt & vinegar chips was the fact that the majority of the people eating the food (minus the kids - well, minus the un-fat kids) were LARGE and not looking too great in their swim apparel. I reminded myself that part of the reason for my fast was to break the stronghold that certain foods have over me (like all of that crap listed above). Yes, the fast is about growing closer to God but I am also asking for release from my self-destructive eating habits. I want to have a baby, dammit, and I want to get knocked up soon! So the overweight eaters really just inspired me to keep at it, despite my wanting to eat whatever item they happened to be indulging in.

Whoo - I digress. My mind is still pretty clear (for someone who hasn't eaten in six days) but I have these strange moments where I will be talking and all of the sudden I am conscious of the fact that a) I have been talking a LONG time; b) the person I am speaking with is beginning to look comatose and c) my breath smells like an old molding can of refried beans left in the fridge too long. (If you have smelled this particular smell before, you know what I am sayin). I have had a few "senior moments" where I've completely lost what I was saying but I don't know that that is the effect of the fast - probably more that I was distracted by the sight of Sonic's new spicy breakfast burrito on TV.

And really, I don't sit around thinking about food very much at all. I DO really enjoy coming up with new juice concoctions. Why, just today I juiced almost an entire watermelon. I just cut off the green skin (you leave the rind, which is where all of the vitamins are, according to the long-armpit-haired hippies that write these juicing books). Hippies be damned - they are so right about watermelon juice. It rocks. And you get SO much from one watermelon. My other new faves - tomato (who knew?), cantaloupe and grapes. All of it is amazing. I was not so hot on the sweet potato/apple combo. You could just taste that weird, chalky thing that you can taste when you bite a raw potato. I drank it but uh, I won't be juicing any more sweet potatoes.

I am praying and doing some reading in the evenings. When I feel insane like I can't keep doing this, I just tell myself that I can, with the strength of Jesus - and I get through another day. Truth be told, it is not that bad. I look forward to eating, of course, but I am not feeling crazy desperate or anything - YET. Just don't get near me with any sort of snack food. You might lose it, along with your arm.

Day Two of Juice Fast: Still Feeling Good

2007-08-02T09:03:00.001-07:00

I went to bed last night pretty hungry (and mad at my husband who was being nasty for no good reason at all). I decided not to drink a bunch of juice before I went to bed as I knew that would cause me to have to get up and pee several times in the night or even worse, do that thing where you wake up, know you have to pee really bad, but try to ignore it and end up awake half the night when really, you should have just gotten your lazy ass out of bed and peed so you could sleep peacefully. I do it all the time and don't recommend it.

This morning I juiced 4 apples and two carrots - drank it down and also had a small water bottle (you know, the 16.9 oz basic). Again, a lot of pee. Then, I juiced two grapefruit and an apple for my sustenance throughout the day. I brought two travel mugs filled with my concoction. They are currently stowed away in the fridge and hopefully not "oxidizing" which is apparently a bad thing in the world of juicing. Me, I don't care so much if the juice turns brown. It still tastes good - I guess it is just not "alive" as the die hard wacko hippie juicers say. Whatever, man.

Otherwise, I feel alright. I DO have a terrible headache but I still think that is due to my caffeine withdrawals - I am on day 3 of no caffeine. Frankly, I am pretty proud of that.

I have noticed how hard it is to keep my fingers out of my mouth when I am preparing food for my son. Last night was a true exercise in watching myself and I STILL ended up sticking a refried-bean covered finger in my mouth - whoops! Habit, but wow - I never realized how much I do that. Also, the smell of food is hard on me but I just try to get away from it and think about something else. And pray. Been doing a lot of that.

Tomorrow I may have some awful news as my body enters "detoxification." The hippies say this is a bad time where you might feel awful, have headaches, nausea, backaches, etc. Sounds thrilling, doesn't it? I 'll keep everyone posted.

In the Beginning...There was Juice

2007-08-01T10:47:00.001-07:00

It is Day One of my juice fast. It is noon - I feel fine. I've had two glasses of juice - made with my fabulous new Breville juicer. OMG - I love that thing. So easy to use and clean.

So this morning I just threw a pear, a nectarine, a few random pieces of apple and nectarine that I had sitting around, and maybe a carrot? I can't even remember - I was so enthralled by the Breville. Brought some of my juice in a dark, chilled thermos to work. Word to the un-wise here - don't fill the thermos to the top because the juice separates and gets all thick and weird at the top so I couldn't even shake the thermos to mix it up. Had to pour a little of bottom liquid out, shake it, then put the liquid back in. Weird. I'm sure I'll be learning a lot about juicing here over the next weeks.

I plan to break the fast on the evening of Tuesday, August 14. We are leaving for a vacation that next morning so it would be hard to fast but I am going to make all efforts to maintain a healthy diet for the majority of my vacation. BALANCE. BALANCE. BALANCE.

I drove to work without the radio or a CD this morning. I am trying to make solitude part of my fast. I mean, if I am trying to hear God, I guess I'd better turn all the noise in my life off. That probably includes keeping my own mouth shut as much as possible. And no TV - that will be hard but I almost feel relieved at not having to watch.

I have to go see the nose doctor again today for my final nose sucking. Ugh. When I write tomorrow, I will have made it through a whole day of my fast. Yay!

Preparations Are Underway for the FAST...

2007-07-28T22:28:00.000-07:00

Well, I've definitely decided to do a fast - a juice fast, which I have now learned is actually referred to as a liquetarian diet or "modified" fast but you know, not the REAL, hard core you will most likely die kind of fast that Ghandi embarked on. I think I'll start a little lighter than that. I'm going with the fresh juice fast that will detox my bod. That whole detoxification thing scares me a bit. Dude, am I just going to have massive diarrhea for two weeks for what? Ugh.

So - I've got two great books I've been reading AND I finally broke down and bought a juicer off of Amazon that should be here by Tuesday or Wednesday. I bought a Breville, which I hear is a pretty good one. I am currently winding myself down into a sort of pre-fast thing. Over the next few days I am eliminating coffee, sugar, and as we get closer to Tuesday/Wednesday - the beloved bread. I am only slightly bummed about missing some of these things but a part of me would love to be free of my total dependence on them. And I have really been enjoying the fruit lately - good thing, since that is about all I will be ingesting here shortly - in its most fiberless form, no less.

I don't know exactly how long I will be on my juice fast. Certainly longer than 3 days but probably not more than 10 to 15 days. We are leaving for vacation on August 15 and though I think I can stick to a post-fast diet of smoothies and veggies and broths, I don't think I will be dragging my juicer along with me. Nice thing is, I can do another one later if I want to.

I haven't told anyone about this (other than my husband and my mom) because I don't want a bunch of negative pressure and bullshit from people. My motivation - to get closer to God and hear His plan for me - is very pure and simple. I don't need people trying to throw me off course with all their fears and worries and naysaying.

I will keep a log here of each day of my fast - I know I will need somewhere to write what I am going through. Parts of this are going to be hard but I truly believe that God will speak to me if I can just get quiet enough. Away from the distractions of this world! I won't be watching TV during this time, either! Must quiet the mind!

Returning to the Land of the Living...Finally

2007-07-20T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a little over two weeks now since the surgery and I am finally feeling better. I mean, I am not actually enjoying squirting salty water up my nose four or five times a day, but at least I am no longer in constant aching pain and no longer on the pain meds that make me a little confused and cranky.

I am actually looking forward to being a healthy individual again - I did some P90X workout with my husband last night - Kenpo, which is really just Taebo or cardio kickboxing, whatever you want to call it.

Now don't call me crazy, but I have seriously been considering doing a religious fast - a Christian Fast, if you will. I've been doing a lot of research on it and just seem to have it on my heart that I need to get closer to God - to really hear what it is that He is trying to say to me. I can hear these brief whispers but so many earthly distractions get in the way that I cannot understand what I am supposed to be doing. Truthfully, I feel a little lost lately and far from God. I hate that feeling and it is very easy to get comfortable with it, like - "Oh, I'll work on that later." Yeah, not a good attitude. That's when Mr. Evil starts creeping around saying things like "you could just have a couple of beers" or "you should eat that entire pizza" or "you should just ignore the issues and/or pain in your life." And he has been creeping around, for sure. For awhile. However, amazingly enough, the only real compulsion I've had is to eat but that can be just as damaging as some of my other obsessions.

I feel open and ready to do this but I also need to pray and take the time to know that I am doing it all for the right reasons. It is not about losing weight - although that is a side effect that I won't, uh, mind AT ALL. The true focus is getting closer to God and determining through prayer and mediation His will for my life. And I can't do that when my thoughts are constantly focused on what I am going to eat next. Honestly - I wake up thinking about what I get to eat next - I am giggling right now - that is so pathetic, but so human - so ME.

Anyway - I will continue my research this weekend and will hopefully be obtaining a juicer by Monday so that I begin to prep for this event. I will do a juice fast, not a water fast, because I have some blood sugar issues that I don't care to struggle with while I am trying to fast. My choice is to abstain from solid food, not all calories!! For me, that would not be a wise choice. Besides, you can go a lot longer on a juice fast. I haven't decided how long I will do the fast but will read more about it and plan accordingly.

Okay - back to work now. It is Friday and I am glad for that. I feel happy today for the first time in several weeks.

What the F*CK Was I Thinking?

2007-07-12T20:42:00.000-07:00

OMG - WHY did I have this stupid ass surgery? It has been about 9 days and all I can say is - this SUCKS and I wish I had not done it.

The actually surgery was fine - hell, that little shot of valium and then wheee! I woke up just fine from the anesthesia and was fairly happy and comfortable until the Demerol drip was turned off and I was switched over to Norco pills. Then the pain began and kept on and on for days. The first Awful Incident was the day after the surgery when the doctor (bless his heart, he really is a nice guy) removed the "packing" from my nose. Basically he reached in there and ripped out these giant, blood-filled tampon-ish things that had crusted up and dried to my sinuse cavities. Yeah, that was awesome. I was crying and beginning to hyperventilate and was just a total mess. However, I made it, and also made it through the next follow up appt a couple of days later when the other tampon was removed. It was so bad but still - having all that crap up your nose while it is all raw and bloody is just... digusting and vomit-making.

I made my way through the first few days, though, and really thought that I would be just fine when they removed the giant splint they left in there to support my devastated septum. I was so wrong - WAY wrong. Removal of the splint and then the follow up suctioning of the sinuses was some of the worst pain I've ever had to deal with. And the doctor tried to be gentle but he actually had to stop the procedure because I was moving too much and you know, it is not good to be moving around while someone has a 7 or 8 inch scope up your nose, along with a giant suctioning device meant to suck out the "crusty stuff" (that is a medical term,apparently) left from the surgery. And can I just let off a little bit of steam about the nurse? I mean, she was okay, I guess, but talk about cold and clinical. Here I am crying and writhing around in pain and actually APOLOGIZING to them for crying and she just stands there - no "it's okay," no "you're going to be fine, just relax," just a cold silence, as if I was being the biggest wimp ever and she couldn't believe my lack of pain tolerance. I could feel a weird hostility, really.

Anyway - we are giving it another week to see if my pain subsides but if not, they will likely have to put me under again to do the cleaning, which would really suck. I have already lost a lot of time from work - I don't need to feel anymore inadequate or useless, really - thanks, anyway.

I will write more later - My battery is about to go and I still have loads to bitch about. And by the way, I am in no way concerned about my waistline right now!!!! I'll get back to that when I am feeling better, which will hopefully happen this year. NO SINUS SURGERY FOR ANYONE EVER!!

Oh Goody, Surgery!

2007-07-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my big deviated septum surgery. Thank GOD I will be asleep while various people shove long and torturous instruments up my schnozz, breaking it and moving the middle part around into perfect alignment. THEN comes the real fun - I am also having a "Maxillary Antrostomy" and an "Anterior Ethmoidectomy." Yeah, basically that means scraping a bunch of crusty crap from my sinus passages. I am not looking forward to this AT ALL. However, there is one bright light of hope shining through the terror and misery... I won't have to do those dreadful P90X workout DVD's for a few days.

Last night we did the Legs & Back DVD, as well as "Ab Ripper." Again, I almost fainted dead away. I felt totally barfy. BUT - get this - I was able to do a few of the abdominal exercises that I was not able to do last week. I must be doing something right. Anyway - I am taking a brief break from exercise until my doctor says I can do it. Then - I have really got to get serious about this shit. My reunion is in two months for God's sake. I cannot show up looking like a bloated water buffalo. And that is about what I feel like these days.

Wish me luck as I endeavor to have my proboscis probed. I will write later this week - maybe with a photo of my nose, which will be stuffed with "packing" that one person described to me as having two giant tampons up your nose. OMG - I am feeling faint again.

That Good Ol' Barfy Feeling

2007-06-26T15:53:00.000-07:00

So last night Justin and I did the first DVD in our new workout series, P90X. Actually, we did 2 of them because the instructions said to do Chest & Back and also do the Ab Ripper X. We did. And we almost died.

Our asses were totally kicked and our arms and abs gave out several times. I almost threw up at one time, I felt so overwhelmed. I really tried not to overdo it but for me, that doesn't take much, ya know? So tonight we are supposed to do the Plyometrics DVD. I am very afraid. I am not good at jumping around for long periods of time and my boobs are really not up to the task because I still have not found a great sports bra. Edit - I have not LOOKED FOR or PURCHASED a new sports bra. I'm sure I've found plenty but was too cheap or too broke to purchase. So I will likely be jumping around tonight holding the rack in my hands.

Hopefully I will complete the week in one piece. I will probably be glad when I get to go have my nose operated on next week because it will mean a slight break in my workout schedule. Justin said "no way - I expect you to work out as soon as you get back from the hospital." He was kidding, of course. Gotta run now. Get home and eat so I can barf it out later when I do "plyometrics."

Happy Birthday To Me - Thirteen Pounds of Success

2007-06-18T08:06:00.000-07:00

It's been eons since I posted last... Well, only about a month but it seems like eons. The deadline for my weight loss transformation has come and alas, I am only thirteen pounds lighter than when I started.

Some might say this is not a great deal of weight, I should have lost more in 3 months, etc. Others would say it is a great acheivement and root me on to continue losing more over the next few months. I think I will go with the latter - I'm feeling positive today. After all, it IS my birthday.

I am frustrated with my weight loss diet - I have discovered that I just don't want some big meal at night. What would truly make me happy and satisfy me totally is a bowl of cereal. That is all I want. But since I have been low-carbing it, I haven't really been able to freely have a bowl of cereal in the evening. And I am not talking about wanting a giant punch bowl of cereal covered with sugar - I just want a midsize ramekin with some Splenda, please. Justin wants to eat pasta, meats, vegetables, salads - he really goes for it at night. Me, I'd take the cereal over all of that stuff.

I think I am going to try doing that - eating low carby all day and then just HAVING that bowl of cereal at night. With milk I doubt I am going to go over 400 calories and probably 50 or 60 carbs. If I keep it under 100 carbs a day, that is pretty damned good. Plus - PLUS - we will be working out at night. Justin doesn't know it yet but I got him an awesome workout DVD series that is going to kick his butt and mine. And we are going to do it together. My progress is going to be interrupted in a couple of weeks, unfortunately, because I am having that dreadful surgery on my nose but we can go for it in the meantime and he can keep doing it when I am down with the surgery.

I must recommit now to this weight loss thing - yet again. Turns out I've got a class reunion in September so - I am truly inspired now. Gotta look good for all those people who don't give a rat's ass about me - that's important! You would think I would be movitated to lose by my own health or the urge to play with my son or wear a bikini - No, I just need to think of myself at my class reunion with chubby arms and a size 12 dress and hey - I am motivated! I will be posting new photos soon - Let me get started again after my birthday cake, cinnamon rolls, etc. and then I will post some gorgeous photos for comparison....

Incidentally, my sister-in-law Emily gave me some new jeans for my birthday. These jeans are very hot but incredibly small. Now I have something new to try and cram my ass into. Thank you, Emily!

Stable But Oh, the Stress Cravings!

2007-05-22T09:39:00.001-07:00

Turns out I really didn't gain any weight at all. I weighed 162 this morning. Pretty good considering some of the things I ingested in the past two weeks but when I really look at what I was eating overall I was still eating a lot of protein because for some odd reason I am completely obsesssed with chicken lately. No boring ass boneless, skinless steamed breast - I want chicken strips, chicken sandwiches, chicken salads. I want chicken (even if it IS breaded and deep fried) pretty much all the time. I have also been munching some fine cuts of beef - mostly some beef tenderloin thingy I got at Costco that my husband cooked up perfect for me (pretty much not cooked and bleeding) and an occasional burger. Oh - and the shrimp! Shrimp quesadilla (on a tiny low carb tortilla, of course), grilled shrimp, etc. I guess the lack of weight gain can be attributed to mucho protein and minimal cinnamon bear and pizza intake.

Today, however - I am being chased around the office by thoughts of donuts and cookies and chicken strips. I realized recently (I don't know why it took so long to figure it out, duh) that I have an overwhelming urge to eat when I am under pressure at work and stressed out. If I am on a tight deadline trying to crank something out by 5PM, you can bet that I am working on a bag or two of the cinnamon bears. Today I came into the office ready to eat just about anything (even Kitty's hardboiled egg was momentarily appealing) after a hurricane-like morning of filing something with the court, dropping the kid off, dropping off a CD for a friend and meeting some guys from church for a meeting. Once I got here I realized that I had to run down to the market because I needed some milk for coffee and some feminine products. As I drove down to the store I was thinking about all the food possibilities. Once I got there, I went straight to the milk and the fem aisle but then moseyed over to "look" at the cookies and donuts. BUT - I left with my box of OB's and a pint of milk. I came back here, made a cup o' joe and ate one of my bars. Now I feel okay and not ready to inhale a pepperoni pizza or run to Buns By the Lake for a behemoth brownie. I wish I was not so food-focused. It really has become a salve of sorts for me.

I plan to work out tonight - I did so on Sunday night and discovered that I can jump rope in my home gym. Love to jump rope, even if I can only sustain it for about 34 seconds. I lifted weights and did the 'step' and kept it all up for around 35 minutes. Yay - of course I was so sore yesterday from the weights and the lunges, I had to gingerly lower myself into bed last night, cursing myself but also being secretly happy that I was sore. I bragged a little to Justin. He wasn't especially impressed.

Still Bad and Definitely NOT Thinner!

2007-05-18T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am not as cheery as the last time I posted. I've had a rough couple of weeks and of course I used food to soothe myself through... I have no idea how much I weigh and I refuse to look until at least Monday (maybe I can starve a few off by then so the upset is not quite as great). I always seem to sabotage my own successes. However, I am committed to climbing "back on the horse" this weekend and at least start jogging again!

In other news, my father (not to be confused with my dad) bought Justin, Wyatt and I airline tickets to come to California in August for a whole week. We are very excited. Mostly I am excited because Wyatt has his own seat and neither Justin or I will be forced to try and wrestle with that kid on our laps for hours on end. Oh my goodness - cannot even imagine that battle. Our travel date is August 15... I HAVE to be in my skinny jeans by then, I MUST! I guess I shouldn't base my weight loss efforts on dates - that is kind of stupid but at least it gives me a goal. Although my "goal" of my birthday for losing "as much weight as possible" has not really motivated me too terribly much...

You know what I thought of today that was pretty motivating? SUMMER. HOT. WEARING SHORTS. BEING COMFORTABLE. BATHING SUIT. Eeeek! Last summer sucked and every picture I see of myself from that time you can tell that I am terribly uncomfortable with my body and my clothing. Oh, and I look really fat, too. Nice. I really don't want my summer to be like that again. Must grasp onto this wisp of inspiration and give an internal shout out to myself:

"Onward, my lazy, snack-loving lass! Stop feeling sorry for self - stop feeding face of self - start taking care of self!" Take showers, remove makeup and wash face at night, file nails, get waxed, pedicure yourself, wear clean socks, hang up clothes, eat well and exercise! TODAY!" It sounds so easy but oh, do I struggle with the easy stuff...

Will give a report Monday on how this whole self-love thing works out.

I AM SO BAD - BUT THINNER!

2007-05-04T15:17:00.000-07:00

Hello - I'm back. I've been away too long... I had a minor freak out last week. Remember I was so happy because I was down to, like, 162.5 right after I was sick? Well, of course the weight came back once I actually hydrated myself so I was back at 164-ish which wasn't so bad but then something awful happened that threw me off track for a few days. Yes - I was overcome by TEMPTATION. I was tempted by the evil snacks - the cheddar flavored Quaker snack bag that includes pretzels, rice chex and those little brown squares that I love love love. I was traveling to Idaho with some guys from church. It started innocently enough with me eating a piece of jerky (it's protein, man) and then a couple of nuts but then - hello! Bob brought out this giant Quaker Snack Pack and it was all over. Not only did he have that bag - he had TWO, I tell you. I completely lost myself and was obsessed for the rest of the night with eating as many snacks as I could. It didn't help that the other guy, Ernie, was also having a snack attack. We really went for it - well, at least I had fun with Ernie. And he introduced me to the amazing Doritos jalepeno cheese crackers. Thanks A LOT, Ernie. Now I have something new to crave!

So - I weighed 165 again by Sunday but you know what? I am back to 162 (legitimately this time) and I feel pretty darned good. So - below are my pictures from last week as well as ones from this week. Last week I am wearing the awful grey velour cozy pants and feeling really fat and gross. The newer pictures are better and hey! I am wearing my Citizen jeans - now, they are certainly too tight to actually wear around just yet (I get the famous "muffin top" still) but in about ten pounds I am going to be fabulous in my jeans! And yes, I realize how gigantic my boobs look - how gigantic my boobs ARE - but they too will shrink as I continue to lose. It seems to be the last place I lose - there, and my chubby arms. Oh well - at least I don't look like THIS anymore (see below). This was pre-Stark Raving Flab. Post baby by about 3 months - I was still around 200, I think. My advice to all - try not to be totally obese when you become knocked up - it is no fun. But seeing this picture really makes it obvious to me how far I have progressed. Okay - don't be scared...

Now - here are my newer pics. Not perfect, but not THAT, thank God.

Definitely on my way to being WAY cuter! Have a fab weekend...

A "Devil Wears Prada" Moment

2007-04-23T14:25:00.000-07:00

Remember in the movie "The Devil Wears Prada" when the snooty assistant, Emily, tells Andi that she is "just one stomach flu away from her goal weight"? I know it is sick but I loved that line and this weekend, I actually got to live it. Turns out that there are some positive effects from the stomach flu - I am down to 162.5. Not that I am anywhere near my goal weight but I am certainly closer. Frankly, it was worth the barfing and other unmentionables.

I will post new photos - really, I am not lying, just lazy. Other updates - my blood pressure was 117 / 75 this morning so I am apparently on the BP mend. Diet and exercise always seems to do that - who knew? (Yes, I am being very sarcastic). And I still have my sinus infection so I have made arrangements to see yet another doctor in hopes that he will figure out what is wrong and help a girl out. I can't stand it.

That is all I have for today - work has been insane and I must return to it, pronto.

Today's weight: 162.5
Today's exercise: Nordic track, most likely
Song of the Day: Too tired for music today

Flabbster at Law - Flabby, Esquire - Flabbister

2007-04-20T12:12:00.000-07:00

The Good News arrived on Wednesday - we have been in a daze since then. No, I still haven't done my pictures but damn, we are very excited to be lawyers! I am so glad that stupid exam is behind me - never again! Just so you know, Mom and Dad - I am NOT moving again and if I do, I will not be a lawyer because I am never subjecting myself to that sort of torture again.

Now that we are through with the Long Wait, I just don't know what to do with myself! One thing I am not doing is eating mindlessly. Oh and another thing - not gaining weight. In fact - I am down to 165.2 today. I love Lindora - I generally have a loss every day, even if just a bit, and that is extremely motivating for an instant gratification type like me (like most people).

I keep an eye on the scale but I also have a sacred weekly ritual to keep myself motivated - it is the weekly Trying On of the Pants Ritual - I do so love it. I generally always start with my Docker Khakis, then move into the Citizen Jeans (the ultimate goal post). Last night I ventured into some uncharted territory - the Black Old Navy Slacks, the Grey Pinstriped Nortstrom Slacks, the Herberger Dark Wash Jeans, and the Absolutely Favorite Gap Khakis... Now, most were still a little too (gasp!) tight to actually wear but many of them I could get on and button which is a far cry from a few weeks ago. I will be staying with this group for awhile - once I am able to actually wear most of these, I will move into the next Ritual grouping - Killer Nordstrom Sexy Khakis, Darling Tan Levis, etc., until I reach the Final Nirvana Group - Black Ann Taylor Slacks, Linen Ann Taylor Slacks, and some unknown size 6 pant that I have yet to even purchase. I know - I shouldn't get ahead of myself - but I feel really good right now and very set on what I am doing. The positive outlook feels good so - I'll take it! Stay tuned for future updates of the Trying On of the Pants Ritual. I imagine that this next week I am actually going to wear the Docker Khakis and perhaps, if feeling adventurous and sexy, the Herberger Dark Wash Jeans.

The blood pressure is doing better - getting lower with each passing day of a better diet and a bit of exercise. This morning I think it was 139 / 87, which is not perfect, of course, but surely an improvement over last week's most unfortunate and highly alarming 165/104.

When people ask me what I am doing to lose weight, I make sure not to simply say "Lindora." I think that is misleading because although the online stuff with Lindora is helpful and I like their protein bars and shakes better than those I buy in the store, I still think that all I am doing is eating less and moving more. There is no "gimmick" angle to Lindora. It is simply eating small portions of healthy foods that you buy at the grocery (basics - turkey, broccoli, lettuce, tomato, chicken, shrimp, asparagus, etc), doing moderate exercise (walking, jogging, ski machine - 30 to 45 minutes 5 days a week) and keeping track of it all either on paper or in my online Lindora journal. Oh - and drinking 80 oz of water. There is really no magic to it - it's really about discipline and learning other positive ways to help yourself without resorting to overeating. Lindora gives you the stuff to learn, but ultimately, it comes down to YOU - what do you want, a donut right now or a smaller ass in a couple of months? Sometimes it is tough but when I put all those pants on and find them buttoning and zipping, there is something that keeps me from choosing the donut (or potatoes, or pizza or cinnamon bears).

Some people are put off by the whole water intake thing - "Eighty ounces - Oh my God, I can't possibly do that - I'd have to put my office in the bathroom because I would always be in there, blah blah blah..." I can understand some of that because I seem to have a bladder the size of a peanut. When I am doing the water thing, I pee a lot. However, there are some creative ways to deal with all the peeing, one of which I will share with you right now, because I know you are DYING to have my amazing and endlessly interesting insight.

Upon waking up in the morning, I almost always feel fuzzy-headed and my eyelids are so heavy sometimes I need to physically lift them with my fingers to see my way to the bathroom. I stagger down the hall (even my balance is impaired by my semi-comatose state) and feel my way into the bathroom, turning on the shower, my only hope for true consciousness. Before getting in, however, I fill a 34 ounce water bottle with tepid, not cold, water. I bring that bottle into the shower with me and take a long drink - several big gulps. Set it down, wash my hair, rinse. Another big long drink. Set it down, wash my face. Another big long drink. Set it down, wash the body, rinse. Another big long drink. Done with shower, done with almost half of my water intake for the day. I only need drink one more of those over the course of the day and a twelve ounce diet soda and I am SO done.

The benefits of this Water In the Shower Ritual (I am all about rituals today, aren't I?): First of all, I am having a major accomplishment only moments after waking - does it get more positive than that? Second, I will have at least an hour or more in my house to begin the pee release but for some reason, the peeing isn't too terribly bad - perhaps because of the all night drought. (I kind of imagine the water entering my body and my body seeping it up like a big sponge). In any event, peeing in the comfort of my home is always nice and I generally get to work having to pee but then I am not running back and forth to the bathroom as much as I would if I drank all that water that quickly AT work later in the day. Finally, the very best benefit of Water In the Shower - it totally wakes you up. It's better than coffee in that way. Betcha didn't know that, did ya? Mmm hmm. My eyelids are fully lifted by the time I exit my bathroom and begin my day.

Today's weight: 165.2
Today's exercise: Nordic track most likely - it's too cold to take the baby in the jogger!
Song of the Day: Would Not Come - Alanis Morrisette (Where is she now?)

The Good News and the Bad News

2007-04-17T15:32:00.000-07:00

Which do you prefer to hear first? I prefer to hear bad news first because then you have a chance to be slightly uplifted after hearing something hideous. But I suppose hearing the good news first can also be a plus because you'll be so happy you don't give a shit about the bad news. Oh, who cares - here is my news today:

Item 1: I HAVE NOT received word as to whether we passed the bar exam. I am PISSED that we have not received such notice yet. It appears that notice was sent by pony express and should be here before fall.

Item 2: I HAVE NOT taken new photos yet but that is only because I've been a bit busy and not because I am hiding. In fact, I can't wait to take new photos because......

Item 3: I am losing weight!! Today I weighed 166. Well it is about time, man. So, I am down 9 pounds and only one pound away from my pre-bar-exam-study-period weight gain. This is good. Nothing is as motivating as seeing that scale move downward. I have been SO dedicated.

Back on the Lindora wagon - Lindora is a great weight loss program if you can get through the first three days. They are the hardest but once you've gotten through it, your body is generally in ketosis and is burning fat for energy. The benefit is, of course, less hunger and faster weight loss. The diet includes protein, fat and carbs and frankly, I don't feel too deprived when I get to eat one of their peanut butter crunch bars. I only buy the bars and the powdered drinks, like hot chocolate and cream of chicken soup. Otherwise I am all on my own eating Lindora "approved" foods in miniscule amounts that, for the moment, satisfy me.

Talk to me in a few weeks - I doubt I will be so cheery after eating turkey breast and broccoli for 40 meals. Its not that the diet doesn't offer variety - I am just a terrible creature of habit and tend to make the same choices over and over. Somehow that makes it all easier for me - takes the choice right out of it. I like predictability and routine, just like an old trail horse. Sleep, oat bag, poop, sleep, oat bag, poop, sleep. My kind of world.

In other news, my sinus infection seems to be improving. Of course I had to pay for another round of antibiotics ($77 dollars, I might add) but I was willing to pay just about anything to be able to breathe again. Oh, and the tooth I thought I might have to have pulled is safe for now. It is the tooth in front of that one that is giving me problems. What do I need? OH, just another root canal and two more crowns. I told the dentist he was insane and we would have to wait until January when my dental insurance coverage for that kind of stuff kicks in. Like he cares - he just moves on to the next mouth full of dollars. Dentists make $$$, but I would expect to make good money, too, if I had to stare into the stinking abyss of a stranger's maw all day.

My blood pressure is apparently off the charts recently - I wonder if it has anything to do with being FAT and under a lot of stress? Ya think? I have been taking it twice a day and it seems to be coming down with each passing day but - eek, it is scary. My mom is all freaked out and warning me about it which is kind of funny considering that I have been badgering her for about, um, 20 years, to worry about / do something about hers. :-) She just loves me, I know - and hey, I don't want to live my life on blood pressure medication worrying about when the big stroke is going to hit, so I am definitely focused on making the proper changes. Don't worry, Mommie.

I will get Justin to take my photos tonight and will post tomorrow. Hopefully we will get the GOOD NEWS tomorrow evening. Maybe I will weigh even less tomorrow.

A Long and Nervous Weekend is Upon Us

2007-04-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

This is the last Friday before we find out our bar exam results. They should be arriving by mail early next week. It is going to be a tense weekend in the Breck household! Thankfully we have lots of stuff to do around the house (cleaning, laundry, yard clean up) and a very cranky and physically able toddler to keep our minds distracted.

I have lowered my food intake - actually, I've gone back to the weight loss program that has worked for me in the past - Lindora. I did Lindora when I lived in Southern California and I lost around 40 pounds in 3 months. It was quick - and then I got a new boss I hated (actually I think she hated me more) and I promptly let the stress of my life allow me to gain it all back plus a few extra. Then I got pregnant at my max weight. Yes, my pregnancy was just a blast. I don't know how obese people get through life - it was really uncomfortable.

Once I had the kid, I took a few weeks to enjoy my son and indulge in holiday foods and then I did Lindora online for 10 weeks. I lost 20-25 pounds. Then I applied the same principles and lost another 15 on my own. I could have done that again this time but for some reason my motivation level has just not been very strong. So - I decided to sign up for another Lindora session. I know, I know I said no "gimmicks" when I started this blog but I really don't consider Lindora to be a gimmick at all. The diet is low calorie, low fat and low carb (basically, low food) but it works like a charm. Once I reach my goal weight, I will go back to the whole touchy feely getting in touch with my inner child crap but for now I just want to get the weight off so that I can enjoy summer and then promptly get knocked up.

I plan to weigh on Sunday morning so I will do a post then and put up more photos. Perhaps I will have managed to obtain a new sports bra by then... perhaps not. Check back to see my amazing progress.

As a side note - but it is actually very important for me to document - today I overcame a serious urge to self-sabotage. Without getting into all of the dramatic details of my life long history of addiction and self-abusive behaviors, I am proud to say that I was hit with a heavy duty urge today and thought about it for hours but through prayer, some distracting and inspirational reading, and by reaching out to another and admitting what what going on, I managed to move past it. Thanks for giving me the strength, God. It has been a long time since I've struggled and actually come out on top.

More Pictures of the Same Bod

2007-04-10T19:53:00.000-07:00

My body is not looking too different but hey, I am wearing the new pants and I threw in a side shot this time so that you can see the reality that is my chest - in all its bodacious splendor. Seriously, you can now better understand my sports bra dilemma.

I don't have much to report today at all. I am committing to not weighing myself again until Sunday (and I will really do it this time) so there will be no news in that department for awhile.

In other news, I have been suffering from a sinus infection - went to the doctor yesterday and finally got some antibiotics so perhaps I will be able to breathe through my nose again someday soon. I didn't see my regular doctor but saw his new young protege, who I have only seen one other time. Unfortunately, the last time I saw him I was being seen for an intense gastrointestinal drama I was having and um - I had to have an exam. So you can imagine how delighted I was to get to see him again, the guy who had to put his finger in a place that I can't even mention. As soon as he walked in he said, "I saw you one other time - you were in for a gastrointestinal..." and I just cut him off right there, saying "we really don't need to revisit that moment, okay?" Yuck. Anyway, he confirmed what I thought was the problem for about the last month - sinus infection. I am getting a referral from him to an ear/nose/throat guy because I am seriously considering getting nose surgery for my deviated septum so that this hideous cycle of sinus infections might come to an end.

I am also considering having a molar pulled in the very near future. Dental work is so expensive and I just cannot DO a dental implant right now. The tooth is starting to give me a lot of trouble and it just cannot be filled anymore. So I say screw it, it's coming out. I plan to get an implant at a later date but for now I will just have to gum things. I sure hope my children inherit their father's teeth.

That's enough babbling. Oh and my song of the day is definitely "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor. I listened to that a couple of times today. That song still rocks! Oops - and here are my pictures before I forget to post them. Maaaahvelous!!!

New Pants and Supporting the Girls

2007-04-09T14:17:00.000-07:00

I am so bad - all this talk about being so committed to my entries on the blog and here I go and miss several days AND failed to post my photos for last week. Shame on me. Oh well - I have a happy attitude today despite my failings as a weight-losing member of society.

I went and weighed myself last Thursday despite my um, promise, not to. Lo and behold, I had still not lost any weight and was still stuck at 169 ish (leaning very close to 170, let's say). I was SO pissed off. I promptly ate something forbidden, just as any reasonable woman would - I mean really, I might as well have been eating pizza all week. Maybe that is going a little far but you know what I mean.

So I am just going to forget all that and just put my nose to the grindstone yet again. Move more, eat less, move more, eat less. I did happen to buy myself a new pair of workout pants so that I don't have to feel like some skanky schlub out jogging the streets of my beautiful neighborhood in my nasty old velour cozy pants. One pair I have is too big (baggy butt), one pair has a hole on the right cheek (air vent butt) and the last pair is so damned old and thin that when I had my baby and was wearing them in the hospital, my parents felt so sorry for me that they went out and bought me a giant velour jogging suit (preggers-style), jammies and a robe. SO - the new workout pants are not velour, thank God, and they are quite sassy with a white stripe down the leg. Now I just need to put them on and do something.

What I really need is a new sports bra. I was looking at these poor excuses for sports bras at Target. Are they serious? The term "sports BRA" clearly indicates that the person wearing it will have BREASTS they want to keep from flopping around when jogging, jumping, etc. These wee wisps of fabric that are masquerading as "sports bras" are certainly not capable of strapping down these cantaloupes - no way. The tags say that the sports bras have a "shelf bra" in them to offer extra support. Baby, I don't need a shelf, I need a damned iron-reinforced overpass, complete with earthquake retrofitting to accommodate even the most severe techtonic forces. I mean, I've got RACK. So I've been checking out the internet - a website called Title 9 has some awesome contraptions that are guaranteed to hold the girls in place but they want some serious cash. I guess I can understand, considering the amount of reinforcement, advanced top secret government-issue fabric and extra sewing that is sure to be involved. Anyway - I'm sure I will have to bend to the pressure and buy one soon as I cannot continue to jog along holding my boobs in hopes that I will notice any on-coming cars or neighbors in their yards before they seem me gripping myself. Really - I do it.

I will post new photos tomorrow, though they are not going to be any different, really. Well, you might notice something different. How about this - I will wear my new workout pants. Unfortunately, I will still be wearing the old sports bra. Here's the tip that it is OLD - It is a size small but so stretched out by years and years of use that even as a 38DD I can still wear it. That's probably why I am able to still use it for support - it is stretched to full capacity and about to explode.

Smooth Sailing So Far This Week

2007-04-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

This week has gone fairly well on the food front, meaning that I haven't had too many awful cravings or temptations. I have no idea if any of it is doing any good since I haven't weighed myself but last night I tried on the infamous Seven Jeans (I discovered that they are actually NOT Seven jeans but are Citizens of Humanity or some stupid hyped up name like that) and I could just barely get them buttoned but I got them over my hips and closed and that's definitely progress. I think my big ol' gut is looking a little smaller, too.

I am really not just totally obsessed with my body - there are other things going on in my life besides my weight loss goals but I focus on that because that is what this whole blog is supposed to be about. For example - Right now Justin and I are sweating it out and waiting for our bar exam results. We should get them around April 16 or 17. Waiting sucks!! For me, it is especially crucial that I pass, not only because I failed half of the exam last time but because my boss and I have a pretty full case load right now and it would be great to actually be able to a) sign documents that I have worked so hard on and b) charge more $ for my time. However, I would give up passing if it meant that Justin would absolutely pass. We both feel pretty good about the exam, though, so I am hopeful that we will both be getting the small envelopes (you only get the big one if you fail and last time, I got the big one - shiiiiiit). I will not be happy if only one of us gets the small one, no matter who it is. Okay, I can't think about this anymore because there is nothing I can do at this point to influence the outcome. I just don't ever want to take another bar exam again. One in 1999 (Oregon), one in 2006, one in 2007 (both Montana) - that is enough!

Justin is sitting next to me and eyeing the computer as if he has some big pressing thing he needs to do and I am keeping him from it. He didn't make a move toward it or say he needed to work on it UNTIL I picked it up and then suddenly he has a critical assignment to complete for his Aunt that has an immediate deadline. Hmmm - men.

Today's Weight: Still not looking but my pee stick is purple (burning fat for energy!)
Today's Exercise: 30 minutes on the Nordic Track (rainy and coooold outside)
Song of the Day: U Can't Touch This - I love MC Hammer and his puffy pants - remember the video?

I'm Still Here!

2007-04-03T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well, my weekend was a little hectic and then yesterday I just didn't get to my blog. SO SORRY. Over the weekend I had another pant ripping crisis. There we were, shopping in Costco - I was wearing an older pair of jeans that were finally starting to loosen up a little. I squatted down to put a flat of water bottles under the cart and yep, sure enough, the fabric covering my left butt cheek gave way with a bizarre ripping tickle-y feeling. That was just great. I didn't have a sweatshirt to tie around my waist or anything. So I just went with it but promptly made a beeline for the Levi table where I picked out a replacement pair.

Okay so they didn't rip because I am so fat - they just gave up the fight. C'mon, they were $20 jeans from Target, all soft and super thin from constant wearing because no other pants really have been fitting. I am actually glad they are in the trash. I never really liked them that much, anyway.

I decided that I am not going to weigh myself at all this week and hold out until Sunday. The last time I weighed myself I was disappointed. I've been pretty disappointed all along this journey so far because my weight has not really changed that much and I have made a lot of changes in my eating and exercise habits. So instead of being crushed every morning, I 've decided to only check once a week and thereby be happy for whatever loss actually occurs.

I have really been enjoying my walk/jogs lately. I am almost to the point of being able to say I am "running" again - I'm almost there. It has been very pleasant. I have found that I really enjoy listening to my praise music while working out. I never thought that would be the case because I usually listen to some crazy techno dance or heavy metal music when I am exercising but lately the God music has truly been fabulous and inspirational. Who knew?

Well, it's down into the gym I go to do 30 minutes on the ski machine - I did the same last night. I seem to have developed an ingrown toenail irritation so I have not been out "running" in the last couple of days. That's okay - I think I burn just as many calories on the Nordic Track, actually.

Today's Weight - not gonna do it
Today's Exercise - ski machine and watch "Sideways" while doing it
Song of the Day - Love listening to "Agnus Dei" of which there are about a million different versions on ITunes. I like Michael's Smith's.

The Sausage Pants Are Loosening Their Death Grip

2007-03-29T08:50:00.000-07:00

For months my pants have all fit me like a brutal cloth vise of some kind, squeezing me in all the wrong and somewhat unmentionable places. Finally, I am breathing a littl easier. I can actually wear underwear under my jeans instead of having to eliminate any layer of fabric that may add to my crotch bondage.

The scale, of course, is being incredibly obstinate. Today it said 168.8 or some nonsense like that. I have been downright angelic about my food intake and my exercise. I busted my ass pushing that stroller and squawking kid up those mountains last night and all the thanks I get is 4 lousy tenths of a pound? Hmph. Thank goodness I can feel my pants fitting better or I might throw myself into the comforting embrace of lots of pepperoni pizza (are you sensing a pattern here?) or my newest addiction, cinnamon bears.

Justin is being very supportive and nice, as is everyone else in my life. I appreciate the support but of course I can't help but wonder if they have all been secretly thinking what a fat cow I am and oh thank GOD she has decided to lose some weight, we didn't know if it would ever happen, she has such a pretty face and a great personality, etc. Actually many of my girlfriends and my sister-in-law Em are joining me in the quest for a flatter stomach so - I guess I am not the focal point of all attention as I may like to think that I am. Even Justin is working out every night lately although he still consumes massive mounds of pasta, much to my chagrin (and envy).

So here are my pics for this week. Same outfit, same flabby middle. We figured out a more flattering lighting, though, don't you think? Hopefully by next week we will perhaps see a hint of change!

Today's Weight: 168.8 (Bah!)

Today's Exercise: Walk/Jog in Lakeside

Song of the Day: Higher Ground (Red Hot Chili Peppers)